Bet you never thought you'd see the dark lord and master inhaling one of these here martinezes.Image courtesy of Tony "Trouble" Traglia
I know,I know.I haven't posted any new reviews for you ravenous recipients of sanguinary cinema in over a month.I promise I'll be once again circumnavigating the exploitation globe for rarely-seen classics very shortly.I've been competing in a weight-loss competition(20 lbs. in four weeks thus far,be envious)and up for a new promotion at work,spending oodles of quality time with The Mel,my precious,and screening a plethora of films to be picked apart here at a later date.Don't fret,chums,I don't want you to feel second-best or anything,even though you kind of are.I also wanted to thank everyone who's been hitting the site regularly,keep it up,and maybe even leave some COMMENTS,ye old frog-bags.Anyway,here are a few one-takes to hold you over for now.Enjoy,and stay tuned!
"Final Exam"(1980)
Anyone who thinks this is the scariest thing to come out of North Carolina never met its bald commie jackass population.There's only about a teaspoon and a half of the red stuff in this snorer,a boob and a half,lots of off-screen snuffs(which mostly take place in the last half hour),and the killer is an eighties-tastic Michael Myers clone with an army jacket and a flowbee haircut.Frat houses in community colleges?That explains the total lack of hot broads falling under the Ginsu here.Avoid at all costs.
"Hell Night"(1981)
Linda "Exorcist" Blair spends the night in a creepy old mansion for a college hazing(and I thought the most horrible thing about college was the number of douchebags who wanted the whole experience to be like 13th grade...),haunted by a killer mongoloid,and protected by tv staples Vincent Van Patten and Peter Barton(who both thankfully eat it before the end titles roll).Linder wears her game face here,but never breaks out her pillowy pin-up pals,as she's looking more than a little puffy throughout this lackluster release.The gore effects are skrimped upon,and characters creep around the dark sets spending endless minutes trying to build suspense without the benefit of a decent script.Worth a look if you're one of those Blair completists,but even then,try "Chained Heat"(1984) for a freeze-worthy look at Linda's perky gashingas.
"Island Claws"(1980)
You might remember Robert Lansing from tv shows like The Equalizer,or the the ever-popular Automan(???),or maybe not,but here he's up against a sidestepping twenty foot plate of crab meat delight.A slew of unsuspecting tourists fall prey to pesky pincers before ol' Rob climbs atop the kill-crazy crustacean and dispatches it in one of the flattest final sequences I've ever been embarrassed enough to sit through.To be honest,your humble narrator passed the fuck out twice trying to screen this bore-fest.You'll find scarier crabs in north Philly crack ho pubes,methinks.
That's it for now,tune in next time!
Yours Cruelly,
B.W.
