Draw the brakes on your flood of virtuous arrogance, noble causes, and bluenosery. You're just jockeying for more Christmas presents, and Santa knows it.

 is Purgatory-bent for denim.

 Writings attributed to the legendary medical pioneer Hippocrates circa 400 B.C. proposed that hysteria in women was caused by a lack of semen. Sounds feasible to me...

 "Don't do it, jagoff!" That was to the Shirley draping months' worth of paychecks in the form of ice around some broad's neck.

 You make it with some of these chicks, they think you gotta dance with them.

 
Fumbled a critical webinar this morning when I came on dressed in Garanimals, speaking Ubbi-Dubbi. In my defense, I thought we were gonna zooma-zooma-zooma-Zoom the conference call.

 There, there, all ye alienated sex kittehs of the world, your costumes may be too slutty for the moral majority, but you can always trick and treat, judgment-free, from the warm safety of my lap.

 My digs is a no-fly zone for hags, even on Halloween. Any witches resembling Cynthia from D.C.'s Witching Hour horror anthology series (1969-78) are strongly encouraged to disregard that last statement.

 David Lynch's ability to direct a movie and sing a song are inversely proportional.

 Jordan Peele: I just made the dumbest movie of the year.

M. Night Shyamalan: Hold my cocktail.

 What the hell is 'mansplaining'? As a man, I do what I do, and it is what it is. No explanations necessary, and none offered.

Games impossible w/o a paddle:

 "Super Breakout" and "Who's been a recalcitrant little slut, then?"

 Abolire il mio cazzo.

 #ColumbusDay

Getting my mind to wind down for the evening is like wrestling a pissed off two hundred fifty-pound halibut onboard a flimsy canoe with one's own bare hands. Rarely uneventful, is what I'm saying... 

Tonight, a Wop-o-vision exclusive:

 Ten Times Down, Nine Times Up: The Natalie Wood Story

 My first goatee, in 1974, was made of orange drink and cookies.

 Chuck Norris only lost ten matches in tournament competition, his other thirty-eight losses came while attempting to deliver scripted dialogue in films.

 Joys, delights, laughter and sports, and sorrows, griefs, despondency, and lamentations. Hippocrates said it'd be like this.

In case you're wondering ...

 ...my birthday is on the 5th. If you can't find me some authentic Lemmon 714's, there's a "Tight Spot" at the Bip screaming for THIS like the feedback from a '58 Gibson Byrdland.

 You: "Gonna take a lot to take me awaaaaay from youuuuu, there's nothing that a hundred men or more could eveeeeer doooo..."

Your wife's boyfriend (from the bedroom): "Keep the noise down in there, pussy!"

It's like the Yanomamo always say:

 "wãro-n shama shyra-wei ware-ma"

 Despite having Lite Brite in the mid-seventies, I have to confess I never made a goddamned thing with li-i-ight, in the end.

Tantissimi auguroni di buon compleanno

 

Giovanni Lombardo Radice 23 September 1954

I'm higher than the nuts on a Shaolin White Brow priest.

 Schizophrenics are just extroverts with no healthy outlets.

Tantissimi auguroni di buon compleanno

                  Joan Jett 22 September 1958

"Describe yourself in three fictional characters":

 

Too easy.

Joe Ferrone (Tony Musante) in "The Incident" (1967)

Joe Curran (Peter Boyle) in "Joe" (1970)

Clarence "God" Hilliard (Tim Carey) in "The World's Greatest Sinner" (1962)

Play along at home, if you feel so inclined.

 Inside every lump of unshapen clay, there's the potential for a museum-worthy masterpiece.

Tantissimi auguroni di buon compleanno

 

Bill Murray 21 September 1950

 First I rip Blogspot's clothes off, then Blogspot rips MY clothes off, then we rip Lindsay's clothes off. Yeah, I think I got it.

 More fantastic sensations to experience lie outside the comfort of your periphery. Experience them. Unless it's too weird, then, you know, fuck all that.

Tantissimi auguroni di buon compleanno

 

Sophia Loren  20 September 1934 

Things you'll never hear #145,348:

 "...and Woody Allen as Tyr, the god of war..."

 'Tis a lonely fate, to be the last man standing when the hour is late.

 To clarify, I won't be going to see Cheap Trick tonight. I went to see them yesterday, but the orderlies told me they were too pooped for visitors after rice pudding dessert and a lengthy Bingo sesh.

 You're never late for the party when you're the one starting it.

 When a pet chimpanzee reaches puberty, schizes out, attacks humans, and ultimately gets dispatched by the authorities, does it go to Chimpanzee Hell, where it's forced to wear bib overalls, sneakers, and a bowler for all eternity? Just a thought.

 I try not to take advice from my rotten side, but the bastard's just as handsome, witty, and well gifted as I am.

Two Types of Horror Fans, corrected:

 

 Seize the day, and by 'day', I mean 'breasts'.

 Remember when gin blossoms were cool busted blood vessels on your nose from drinking, and not some fruit salad band that play crap music for losers?

 To this day, if you say "Yanomamo blow gun" within earshot of Stevie Nicks, she gets a little moist.

 Rob Petrie, Jack Tripper... Same thing, really.

 Our safe word during rough sex was "hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia". I'm gonna miss her...

Live look inside the Funk Bunker @ Chez Bippy

 If I spot corny shit in your man cave, I instantly disregard your opinions about everything. #sorrynotsorry

Inside the palace of patriarchy, platitudinous pieces are proscribed.

Genre flicks a' plenty, with a Mediterranean focus ...

Hey, that's a ruggedly handsome screensaver.

 Do Arrow have any plans to release the 1833 "woman hitting man on head" phenakistoscope as a restored, remastered Ultra HD 4K Blu in the future?

 Gonna get all banged out on some fizzy lifting drinks. Don't ask me to burp, I'm never coming down.

I was abruptly removed from the University of St. Andrews Sign Language for Chimps squad after teaching the boys the gesture for "Sto cazzo!".

Steckler-Heckler

 "Only 220 Bucks?!!? Does it come with The Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters (1968)?"

 Between the terrorist attack and the mediocre morning sex I had an hour beforehand, I'll never forget the events of this day, twenty-one years ago.

 I'll never forget or forgive what you bastards and your helicopters did to King Kong atop the WTC, forty-six years ago.

Both books still on my shelves, the groovy outfit, on the other hand, is long gone.

 

If you're excited...

 for Halloween Ends, there's really no hope for you.

In Russia...

 Bigfoot collects YOUR footprint.

 When feeling sexish, I've never once hesitated to make fuck.

You hipsters don't know what you're missing. I always demand extra gluten. 

Happy 82nd birthday Raquel Welch.

There'd have been significantly more from me if you were still in your twenties. #NoGerontophilia

 I'm mildly offended when unfortunate looking dames have the audacity to flirt with me.

Do you think ...

  Albert DeSalvo's girlfriend ever asked for a choker on her birthday?
 

Take a mulligan on Milligan...

 A hundred twenty-five clams??...Not even for a dollar twenty-five, buddy.

 If I don't hit the next Powerball jackpot, I'll fucking hate God with a black heart 'til eternity rots the world into a festering, noxious puddle of nothing. Click like if you agree!

 Good things come in three's, unless you happen to be in the middle of a ménage à quatre.

We're goin' on a ...

 When the leaves of summer turn red and gold

And the football games bring a hint of the cold
Time to get away...

We'll pack the car with escape in mind

Forgetting our classes leaving books behind
Time to get away...

 I never claimed to pioneer whatever the hell it is I do, but I'm obviously good at it.

Stunning Top-Secret Wop-A-Lago Evidence revealed:

 

 The higher your pedestal, the more obdurate your nosebleed.

If Bill Murray hadn't rejected my script, "Spaghetti", back in '77, we'd be having a different conversation right now. 

Once is plenty enough.

 Captain could've 'done that' to Tennille ten more times, for all I care, so long as they wrote songs about it one less time.

 She asked if there was anthracite coal in the valley. I nodded, inviting her to explore mein shaft.

Doompity Doo.

 If I'm correct, the Oompah Loompahs' sing-songy moral lessons didn't extend to wanton carnality with brunettes or indulging in hallucinogens. Have a lick of THAT snozberry, Wonka.