Another late night,low budget gem in the "dweeb-gets-his-or-her-revenge" sweepstakes so popular in the 1970s,"Kiss" is an effective little yarn that plays upon people's
inborn fear of large,hairy mygalamorphs,or tarantulas,if you will,for all non-arachnophiles out there.Of course,as you might have guessed by now,your humble narrator loves the bejeezus out of all lil' bastards hairy and venemous,so I probably wasn't the target scare audience here.Still an oft-played dvd in my collection,so read on.
Our loveable little heroine busy playing with her spiders,bless her heart.
Susan Bradley(Suzanne Ling)likes spiders a lot.This doesn't seem to bother her mortician dad very much,as he's too busy dolling up corpses all day,much to the chagrin of his wife,who not only hates their daughter and her hairy eight legged pals,but also plans to off her partner to free herself for a torrid love affair with Uncle Walter(Eric Mason).When Susan hears of mom's plan to snuff dad for his own brother(blech),she intervenes by putting one of her fanged lovelies in bed with her,causing the scheming bitch to have a heart attack.Time passes,and Susan matures from a quirky little oddball into a teenaged weirdo,with a basement full of cages(?)full of Mexican Orange Knee Tarantulas(they're harmless...sssshhhhh!).When her dad finally shuffles off the mortal coil,it's Susan and her spider army vs. her meanspirited classmates,and even good ole Uncle Walter,who's stuck around all these years for a shot at the beaver pelt of his dead brother's daughter(double blech!).
Brainless high schoolers in their thirties will never understand you,Susan.
When a gaggle of schoolmates(who don't look a day over thirty) accidentally kills one of her pets in a harmless prank at the family mortuary,Susan decides enough is enough and sends her minions to do her vengeful bidding,offing them in cars at the drive-in,in claustrophobic air vents,it's a veritable tarantula a go-go over there.Uncle Walt,a detective,ignores the writing on the wall about his niece and her murderous extracurricular activities in the name of trying to score an honest piece of family pussy.He even goes so far as to strangle a potential eye-witness to keep his kin's spidery secret safe.When he relates the lengths he's gone to get a glimpse of her vertical smile,Susan's a bit creeped out.A struggle ensues,Walty tumbles down the steps,and....you'll have to score yourself a copy of this little ditty to see the outrageous ending.
Get that fingernail outta my abdomen,or I'll flick urticating hairs in your eyes,bitch.And that won't be any picnic for you.
A fantastic drive in entry that used to play on late night television all the time,I always had a soft spot in my heart for Sue.It's not often you find a dame who plays with Brachypelma Smithi in a mortuary,which is wicked hot,although she wasn't exactly Rosie Holotik lookswise,but what the hell.Viddy well,droogies,and you'll see exactly what I mean.
Two out of four B.W.'s
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