Wopsploitation

"Prometheus"(2012)d/Ridley Scott

Since my Mediterranean ass got dragged yesterday afternoon from a glass slider full o' berry-scented Sativage to an IMAX 3D screening of the much-anticipated prequel to Ridley Scott's 1979 sci-fi/horror cult classic, Alien, by my roommate, Doc, the resident sci-fi guy, I thought I'd offer a few, brief opinions on the film for you Woprophiles considering throwing down twenty-plus samoleans to bear witness to the late spring blockbuster yourselves in the near future.After donning the enormous RealD 3D goggles(Dub ain't shittin' ya, folks, these puppies wouldn't look out of place on George A. or Darryl Mac.) necessary to view the damned thing and a brief 3D re-boot delay, my official tallies for the two and a half hour long spectacle began.Just beneath the breathtakingly composed space and planet exteriors lurks a storyline holier than Saints Abreha and Atzbeha combined, a lunkheaded script full of unnecessary exposition(Having a character lifelessly explain plot points I'd understood...Hell, predicted outright, an hour earlier isn't a tribute to mine own intellect less than it is to your laziness, Hollywood.) as delivered by a cast of characters that ranges from forgettable-at-best(any number of motherfuckers decked out in Planet of the Vampires-esque gear and taking up frame space while not looking scared by any of the sleek cg horrors unfolding before their very eyes, to say the least) to instantly despisable(interstellar research jagoff seeking to tame formerly unknown species of transparent alien cobra/eel that rises out of black muck puddle by extending a friggin' hand to it?).Though the effects are admittedly pretty groove-worthy(especially if you've just ripped on some nugs), whether removing a troublesome Cthulhu-ish tentacled beastie from a birth canal by laser or watching a statuesque alien architect crumble like so much coffee cake as he plummets into cascading falls, I was overcome by the feeling that I've seen all of it before in other movies that tied it in more effectively, without having to explain it away in cliche'd dialogue to the cheap seat mannekins with the popped collared pink polos and orange-hued hair pig hussies on their arms.Regardless of Scott's obvious talents in the medium, the resources for this franchise were pretty exhausted two movies in, resulting in the mindless exercise(and to hang the promise of yet another movie on the end of this mess is pretty ballsy...what you guys gonna call that one? A pre-sequel or a fucking se-prequel?) that most of the civilized world will end up going to see, if the opening weekend receipts are any prognosticative measure.To be honest, I wasn't expecting too much, just the light IMAX fluff that I received, and the accompanying promo poster was a tits bonus that lightened the sting, certainly, but scalewise, Prometheus is a pretty pedestrian two Wops, all the way.

Trust me, sister, I was yawning, too.