"Diary of the Dead"(2007)d/George A. Romero

Let me start off by saying that I think it's great to see Romero back in action,directing genre films.The guy's a legend,and a great director of our time.Anyone who doubts it,needs to check out "Martin"(1976) and/or "Dawn of the Dead"(1978) before opening their scrapplehole.Truthfully,I wasn't too amped awaiting Romero's latest venture into zombieland,although I was one of the guys who loved "Land of the Dead"(2006)(since I waited patiently for the director's cut,and totally avoided the neutered theatrical release).I just thought another zombie flick from Romero was tantamount to beating the proverbial dead horse with an aluminum tee ball bat.Then,as the release grew nearer,I sat through ham-fisted zombie crapfests like "Flight of the Living Dead" and "Night of the Living Dead in 3D" and came to a realization.If zombies were going to enjoy a resurgence in the cinema,it may as well be Georgie in the director's chair.Afterall,who knows zombies better than him?

Zombie or average Pennsylvanian,hard to tell.
A group of students who orignally set out to make a low budget horror movie find themselves thrust into what seems to be a zombie epidemic.What follows is a video record of what happens to them as they struggle to reach loved ones,and ultimately,survive the gut-chomping onslaught of the living dead.Through a variety of cameras,cell phone cams,security cameras,and news footage,their finished product is a documenary called "The Death of Death",they document their trip from Pittsburgh to Scranton(!),and finally to the state capital,Harrisburg to drop off friends.Besides the fact that a road trip from Western Pa to Scranton,then back to Harrisburg(for college kids that base their lives in the informational age of the internet and YouTube,you'd think they could have MapQuested their journey more efficiently?)makes very little sense,they have plenty of reanimated cadavers looking to feast upon their living flesh along the way.

That's what you get for going to Scranton.
Besides the ample amounts of social commentary you'd expect in a Romero flick,there are a few tributes to his earlier entries for those who pay attention to such things,and even a cameo from the man himself,as a cop trying to cover up the outbreak at a press conference.The characters themselves,although decent representatives of this generation,aren't exactly people who I'd be sympathetic with,but then I'm not exactly the easiest guy to get along with,so I'm told anyways...The gore is sparsely distributed this time around,and the zombies themselves dress the background for most of the running time,focus being the protagonists' bickering among each other,and fighting to get their footage on the net(!) before they all become ghoul buffet.We've got the obligatory militaristic black survivors with the cache of weaponry and stockpiled goods(explains the innercity riots we get here every so often,doesn't it?Just prepping for the zombie epidemic,officer...)and the moral issues of offing your family member-turned-zombie,but it just feels like leftovers at this point in the game.

Take this intervenous pole and call me in the morning.
So it isn't the flesh-eating ghoul epic of our time,but it stands as a totally watchable and enjoyable piece of genre cinema.FX master Greg Nicotero may use CGI as a crutch a bit too much this time around,but he still manages to create some original pieces of grue for the viewer.The video camera as a seperate inanimate character was interesting enough,if not a popular twist these days,thanks to films like "Cloverfield",but there are some jumpy tense moments and a good deal of atmosphere throughout.I'll always enjoy whatever Romero serves me up,and this flick was no exception.I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that he takes on something else the next time around.The zombie well is pretty dry these days,for ANYBODY.That said,I'm giving Diary:

Pout,baby,pout!I'm not believing you wanting to eat me here...

One Takes:Beedubelhue's Been Busy

Bet you never thought you'd see the dark lord and master inhaling one of these here martinezes.Image courtesy of Tony "Trouble" Traglia
I know,I know.I haven't posted any new reviews for you ravenous recipients of sanguinary cinema in over a month.I promise I'll be once again circumnavigating the exploitation globe for rarely-seen classics very shortly.I've been competing in a weight-loss competition(20 lbs. in four weeks thus far,be envious)and up for a new promotion at work,spending oodles of quality time with The Mel,my precious,and screening a plethora of films to be picked apart here at a later date.Don't fret,chums,I don't want you to feel second-best or anything,even though you kind of are.I also wanted to thank everyone who's been hitting the site regularly,keep it up,and maybe even leave some COMMENTS,ye old frog-bags.Anyway,here are a few one-takes to hold you over for now.Enjoy,and stay tuned!

"Final Exam"(1980)
Anyone who thinks this is the scariest thing to come out of North Carolina never met its bald commie jackass population.There's only about a teaspoon and a half of the red stuff in this snorer,a boob and a half,lots of off-screen snuffs(which mostly take place in the last half hour),and the killer is an eighties-tastic Michael Myers clone with an army jacket and a flowbee haircut.Frat houses in community colleges?That explains the total lack of hot broads falling under the Ginsu here.Avoid at all costs.

"Hell Night"(1981)
Linda "Exorcist" Blair spends the night in a creepy old mansion for a college hazing(and I thought the most horrible thing about college was the number of douchebags who wanted the whole experience to be like 13th grade...),haunted by a killer mongoloid,and protected by tv staples Vincent Van Patten and Peter Barton(who both thankfully eat it before the end titles roll).Linder wears her game face here,but never breaks out her pillowy pin-up pals,as she's looking more than a little puffy throughout this lackluster release.The gore effects are skrimped upon,and characters creep around the dark sets spending endless minutes trying to build suspense without the benefit of a decent script.Worth a look if you're one of those Blair completists,but even then,try "Chained Heat"(1984) for a freeze-worthy look at Linda's perky gashingas.

"Island Claws"(1980)
You might remember Robert Lansing from tv shows like The Equalizer,or the the ever-popular Automan(???),or maybe not,but here he's up against a sidestepping twenty foot plate of crab meat delight.A slew of unsuspecting tourists fall prey to pesky pincers before ol' Rob climbs atop the kill-crazy crustacean and dispatches it in one of the flattest final sequences I've ever been embarrassed enough to sit through.To be honest,your humble narrator passed the fuck out twice trying to screen this bore-fest.You'll find scarier crabs in north Philly crack ho pubes,methinks.
That's it for now,tune in next time!
Yours Cruelly,
B.W.

"The Mutilator"(1985)d/Buddy Cooper

Pretty choice poster,eh?Always dug this one.
Although this movie exists purely as a vehicle for Mark Shostrom's grisly gore effects(two big thumbs up for Mark,as always),I like the damned thing for some reason.It isn't the plot,which is sub-standard even in the slasher subgenre.Hell,I've seen amateur s.o.v. stuff that had a better developed storyline and script than this.It isn't the non-actors whose performances in this heavy-handed affair make Keanu Reeves look like Sir Laurence Olivier.Let's not even touch upon the corny 80's pop-drenched title puke-tune that John Tesh and Yanni could outmacho on a bad day.In fact,let's not even investigate the why's or the how's here,and just accept that somehow,this piece of crap manages to entertain me to this day.

I'm pretty sure that's Ben Moore's headless torso.Score one for the Wop.
Ed Jr. wants to surprise his pop by cleaning his gun collection for him on his birthday.In between polishing his hunting rifles,the boy empty-headedly blasts his own mother in the back,severing her spine,laying waste to her dorsal aorta,and effectively killing her,with a rifle he assumes isn't loaded.Oops.Hap-py birthday,Ed Sr.,Hap-py birthday to...yeah,Big Ed doesn't much appreciate his impromptu birthday gift.By the time the cops arrive,Big Ed is pouring a whiskey shot down his lifeless wife's yap.Sanity,it was nice knowing ya.I bet Ed's dad is gonna cause him some major grief over this later on in the story.....

Is that a 19/0 freshwater hook skewered through this chick's vadge?Score another one for Wop A. Licious.
An undistinguishable amount of years later,Ed Jr. is lamenting a lack of rad fall break plans with his semi-homely girlfriend and his small gaggle of talentless actors/chums/victims at the bar,when the bartender informs him he's got a call.On the phone Big Ed himself tells his boy he's gotta re-route the gang to their beach house,so he can clean up his father's drunken mess.Hmmm,beach house,fall break,party?Sounds like our cue for a flaccid road trip montage with obligatory banal 80's pop title track.Roll those generic opening credits,boys.

An outboard motor and the human midsection,strange bedfellows indeed.
Ed Jr. tells his pals all about his father who seems to be missing, and his obsessions with hunting/fishing/killing at the beach house,and how "he's hunted everything except man".He also fills them in on his dad's perpetual state of mental crackers since his wife's death years ago,and that pop never really forgave him for the tragic accident.Hmmm,Big Ed isn't around,he's fucking bonkers,he's a master hunter,and he's got a mile-wide chip on his shoulder towards his son who just dragged his buddies to a beach house during the off-season when one(that's right...one.)cop(Ben Moore,of H.G. Lewis' "2,000 Maniacs!" fame) walks the sandy beat.I'm gonna go ahead and assume that bad things will start to happen immediately to Ed Jr. and his friends,and it's a safe bet that his psychopathic,homicidal dad might be the culprit behind them.Well that,and his father's authentic medieval battle axe is missing from its display hooks on the wall.I'm gonna go ahead and say somebody's gonna end up eating that thing before too long.

What did this film's producers have against Ben Moore?I thought he was great in "2,000 Maniacs!" ferchrissakes.
Surprise!Big Ed springs into bloody action after sleeping off a major hangover and dreaming about 86ing his own son,killing any and everybody in unusually gruesome fashion(despite some poor lighting),with the director bunging logic into the bin in some cases just to up the movie's body count.That's admirable,really.Pitchforks,outboard motors,battleaxes,and even really effin' huge fish hooks become implements of death in Big Ed's hands,until the only couple left to thwart the bloodthirsty killer,is ironically(not really),his own son and semi-homely girlfriend.Big Ed gets bisected at the waist,but a fatal injury just isn't enough to stop the guy from hacking a leg off with his favorite battle axe,just for good measure.He's laughing,I'm laughing,we're all laughing.

Big Ed(Jack Chatham) gets the last laugh.Kinda sorta.