"Vampire Circus"(1972)d/Robert Young

I'd like to take a moment to thank the frequent visitors here at our wretched rectory of reviews,as you,my fiendish friends,are what keeps the haunted boat afloat in the moat!Ever gaining in popularity, and with this past week,the site enjoyed its most successful yet,and shows no signs of slowing down in the near future.Bravo.You keep reading,I'll keep writing,trying to keep the movies diverse and interesting enough along the way,and keeping the lull in entries to a bare minimum.And don't hate me 'cuz I'm beautiful,just hate me all the more.
Tonight's entry is both a rare treat,and one of the finer examples of Hammer vampire films, despite the downward spiral the studio was suffering in the 1970's.A highly enjoyable and original romp through the familiar bloodsucker fare of the day,packed full of the stuff Hammer movies are made of:red vino on tap,bountiful bare bobblers,and susperstitious peasants a' plenty,but what sends this flick acrobatically flipping over its competition is a surprisingly complex script,a fresh take that reinvents some of the nosferatu's supernatural abilities,and a menacingly good antagonist in Robert Tayman's Count Mitterhaus,who's been frequently argued,makes for a better villain than even Christopher Lee's Count Dracula himself!Strong words,indeed.Regardless of who your favorite Hammer vampire might be, Circus is a delightfully strange ride you'll want to take over and over again.

What the fuck are you laughing at,Shorty?
The people of Schettel,led by the schoolteacher,Mueller(Laurence Payne),barge into Mitterhaus Castle,to find the Count has not only sucked one of their children drier than a sandbox,but has also exchanged lust for lust with Mueller's wife who's hanging out knickerless,fangs for phallus.Kill the townspeople's kids,Mitterhouse,if you will,but never turn one of the men into a cuckold!They manage to stake the womanizing wurdulak,but not before the fiesty blooddrinker eighty-sixes several of them,in swashbuckling fashion,spitting a curse upon Schettel's children from his dying lips.The men take their belts off and teach Mrs. Mueller a lengthy leather-based lesson, burning the castle to the ground,and leaving her to drag the staked Count to the safety of the catacombs below.And all this before the credits even roll,hot damn!Fifteen years later,the sleepy little town isn't faring much better,what with the plague and all.The local doctor bravely rides off into the forest in search of medicine,past the armed men who guard against any potential carriers escaping the infected city limits,certain that the superstitions of vampires and their folklore are just that.Like any town beset with plague buboes and corpses by the wheelbarrowful,the people look for happiness that only a small travelling circus full of gypsy vampires can provide.Wouldn't you know it!

Cat Scratch Fever was never like this!
While the people marvel at erotic dance acts,and creepy midget clowns yukking it up with mute strongmen(David "Darth Vader" Prowse),never stopping to wonder how their jungle animals transform into flamboyant gypsies in pink shirts while in mid-air,or how the twin aerial acrobats change from human to bat back to human during their act(I might ponder the possibility these people are not what they seem,at least for a second!),their children are systematically targeted for blood revenge,with teen bobblers tumbling out,blood spurting every which way,and entire families torn to pieces by were-panthers in the forest!It seems the gypsy woman(Adrienne Corri) who heads the carnal carnival is really Mueller's wife(!),and her pink-shirted shapeshifting gypo partner,Emil,is blood-related to Mitterhaus!The townsfolk, enraged by the missing children, do the sensible thing:shoot the chimpanzee and tiger,and smash the creepy little midget clown's oversized head into a wall repeatedly(!!Hey,that's what I'd do,too.)!It all leads to a bloody and satisfying fight to the finish in Mitterhaus' catacombs,where Mueller unstakes the Count to stake Emil as he himself is bitten and killed,and his daughter's boyfriend uses a crossbow string to behead the awakened vampire(!!!)and save the day,amidst a floor full of bloody victims.Now that's entertainment.

"Use your imagination,Mitterhaus!Cross...crossbow...don't split hairs!"
Corri was the rape victim in A Clockwork Orange the year before,moving on to act in Madhouse(1974) and appear in a few Doctor Who episodes later on down the road.Corlan/Higgins did Flavia the Heretic,a host of movies, and a great deal of telly work for the BBC,while Tayman was last seen in The Stud(1978) opposite Joan Collins.Director Young did the excellent "Charlie Boy" episode of Hammer House of Horror,and continues to direct today.Hard to find in America for a number of years,in any format,if a copy of Circus materializes in your presence,reach for it immediately,as it'll become an instant favorite of yours.Personally,between this entry and Captain Kronos,I'm not sure which is my favorite Hammer vampire flick,as they're surely one and two,one way or the other.As the organ grinder comes to a halt and the torches are extinguished,I tip my top(Wop)hat three times for this carnival of coagulants,and bid you adieu for now.

Emil(Anthony Corlan),a flamboyant gypsy were-panther/vampire, overemoting as he feeds.

"The Deadly Breaking Sword"(1979)d/Sun Chung

Dust off your Tiger Fork,practice your internal breath control,and meditate upon another Saturday of wild and wooly wushu here,you pious bastards!There'll be time enough for girls later.This afternoon the high-kicking hijinks come from the superior cinematic skills of director Sun Chung,of Avenging Eagle fame,working with the legendary Shaws,and focusing his lens upon the boxing and dramatic skills of none less than the regal Ti Lung(Drunken Master 2,Five Shaolin Masters,Ten Tigers of Kwantung), and the impish favorite Fu Sheng(Heroes Shed No Tears,Heaven and Hell,Chinatown Kid),unfurling a tapestry of traditional wushu styles,long-awaited revenge,and noble martial heroes who befriend gambling vagabonds.Fix yourself a plate of sesame chicken,pour yourself a cup of tea,and read on.This one's gonna be good.

Thrust and a miss!Lian-san's throat-piercing halberd misses its mark.
Tuen Cheng-Tsin(Ti Lung)is the titular "Deadly Breaking Sword",a fighter who's honed his pugilistic skills to a level of perfection so potent,that he brings along coffins to each martial duel for his opponents,who to this point,die with an inch of famous sword broken off somewhere between their shoulder blades.His latest challenger,Lian-san(Chan-wai man) has a rep all his own,as "The Throat-Piercing Halberd"(I've pierced a few throats in my heyday with my own personal halberd,but I'll save those stories for another time)a man responsible for more than a hundred deaths.Both men injure each other,with Lian-san taking the obligatory inch of the breaking sword in the chest,but rather than dramatically slumping into the coffin that Tuen has prepared for him,he rides off,mortally injured,to call upon the skills of "The Killer Doctor"(Ku Feng),who with dazzling acupuncture technique,cheats death of another victim.Enter Xiao Dao(Fu Sheng),the "Little Dagger"(does everybody have a crazy nickname in this movie or what?)who has foolishly gambled himself away at the gambling house,in a half-baked attempt to clear his debts,now forced into living there permanently,serving the owner and his niece,who secretly has the hots for him.When Tuen majestically rides into town,a talented prostitute(aren't they all?)also appears on the scene,looking to hire the breaking sword to add the Killer Doctor to his list of vanquished opponents as revenge for letting her brother rot in a stinking cell in a neighboring town.

Xiao Dao's not lucky in dominos OR dames.
The hooker hires Xiao to try and lure Tuen to the brothel to hear her sobbiest of stories,but when Tuen proves too haughty("What a snobbish bitch!" he says),she turns to the Little Dagger to do her dirty work instead,her silver tails as a means of the young fool buying himself out of his debt.The niece does her best to keep Xiao grounded at the gambling house,eventually getting herself chucked down a well(!)when she burns his greenbacks!That'll teach ya,woman!Tuen and Xiao square off in the street with the Breaking Sword warning that the young man's martial skills aren't on par with the job he's agreed to do,and after offering to double Dagger's money if he doesn't fight the doctor,the two men become friends.Tuen breaks the call girl's brother out of the pokey,and then has the inmate finger his doublecrosser,leading the Killer Doctor to kill the poor bastard with accupuncture pins,signalling the showdown between Tuen,and newly revitalized Lian-san,whose hair has turned white and red,due to the side effects of the doctor's treatments.During their fight,the two men injure each other again,but when Tuen's sword breaks off in Lian's chest,the Doctor abruptly shoves accupuncture needles in the pugilist's back,giving him the martial power to finish the fight!Xiao Dao shows up,despite his friend's warnings,mocks Tuen AND Lian,and with his short dagger bests the zany-haired assassin until, in a moment of carelessness,is shanked in the labonza with his Throat-Piercing Halberd.Tuen takes this opportunity to bear hug the bastard from behind,pulling the needles out of his back with his teeth(!),and sending him off to meet his maker.He then takes the dead man's halberd and throws it fifty feet directly into the back of the diabolical doctor,killing him too.Xiao,mortally wounded,asks for nice clothes to wear in his coffin,and when Tuen reaches for his hand,misses,as his young friend dies on the street.

Tuen uses his martial skill to teach Xiao a lesson in money management.
All the elements of a Kung Fu classic are in place here.The breathtaking cinematography we've come to expect from Chung,the dazzling traditional fight choreography of Wong Pau Gei(not much wire fu going on here,Jet Li fans,you'll have to go elsewhere for your kung phoniness),and stalwart performances from both leads and both villains,respectively.Ti Lung was losing popularity prior to this picture,and I can't help scratching my head over that fact.The guy's fighting skills are superb,his acting is top tier,and his screen presence is undeniable,as always.Fu Sheng,on the other hand,was at the height of his own popularity,and showcases exactly why that was the case here,his slapstick and physical comedy on par with Jacky Chan,his lovable personality translating well once again on camera,and his fighting,top notch as well.All in all,if you're a proponent of the chop socky period piece,or simply a fan of great Shaw Brothers movies,you'll do well to pick up the region 3 disc and give it a chance.On the Deadly Rating Scale,this classic earns all four Wops,and is recommended viewing.

The "finger game" I know involves the back seat of a vintage muscle car,a luscious concubine,and of course, yours truly.

"Watership Down"(1978)d/Martin Rosen

Animated features on Wednesdays it is then, blame my sleep schedule.The weekly "bonfire of irresponsibility/BBQ" at Casa Smith-tips drained me this week for some unknown reason,causing me to retire ridiculously early last night.Even the best of 'em have off days, I guess.Once a week we'll be examining apropos animated features,which is to say,that which is NOT Bambi,although I've always had a soft spot in my heart for characters like Maleficent.They don't make broads like that anymore,boys.Tonight's entry is the big-screen adaption of a Richard Adams book,and was a box office smash in dear old Blighty.Hard mugs:mafiosi,skinheads,bikers,gangbangers,prison inmates...add bunnies to that list.That's right.Bunnies.After this cartoon,you might wanna think twice about getting your girlfriend a fluffy,cuddly little companion as an Easter present.It could be an Owsla-officer,or worse yet,General Woundwort himself.Eegads.

Doom,blood,and death.Another cheerful prophecy from Fiver.
Fiver is a meek little bunny who has premonitions of death,so when he passes the info on to his brother Hazel,the two rabbits gather as many of their kin as will listen and flee their warren,which happens to be on land scheduled for development, in search of greener pastures.The bunnies that stay behind eat steam-powered bulldozer death.While stopped to rest in a nearby field,Violet,the only female,is killed by swooping Hawk talons of retribution.And then there were seven.After narrowly escaping motorcars on a road made by man-things,a hunting dog,and an ossuary full of pissed-off rats,they meet up with a friendly bunny named Cowslip who invites them to enjoy food and shelter in his warren,which unbeknownst to them,is kept by a farmer who occasionally snares a bunny or two out of it,for digestive purposes.Fiver senses the danger,of course,and Bigwig,the burly officer rabbit of the group(!) mocks him before getting snagged in a snare,himself,which Hazel and cohorts free him from in the nick of time,just as he bleeds,froths from the mouth,and is surrounded by buzzing flies(You might wanna hold off on letting your younger kiddies viddy,obviously).Serves you right,clever trousers.

Bigwig shows Hazel his first road pizza.
The rabbits then plot to free a hutch of female rabbits from a nearby farm,outwitting a formidable dog/cat team who also take up residence there.They nurse an injured-but-chatty seagull named Kehaar back to health,and as a reciprocated good deed,the annoying bird agrees to search for female rabbits for their warren,returning with news of a militaristic warren named Efrafa,ruled by a chief rabbit named Woundwort,a miserable,bellicose bastard of a bunny with one blind eye.Bigwig infiltrates the warren's ranks,recruiting willing escapees,and through an insidious plot and with the help of the squawking seagull,the Watership rabbits manage to escape Woundwort and hop off to a pasture called Watership Down,a veritable bunny heaven.That is,until Woundwort finds them,bringing forth a bloody,foamy,death-ridden,fur-clawing,slashing incisor,bunny vs bunny,bunny vs cat,bunny vs mad dog fight to the finish.Does Woundwort punish the rogue bunnies for mutinizing his rabbit reich? Does Fiver see him dream warren come to fruition?Will El-ahrairah,prince of rabbits,be forever punished by lord Frith for his cockiness?Or does the black bunny of doom as prophesized in the genesis of life as passed down from bunny to bunny come for his due payment?You'll have to screen this one yourself to find out the answers to all these burning questions,and never look at Bugs Bunny in quite the same way ever again...

General Woundwort,showing why he's a perennial favorite of kids everywhere.
Though it might be a bit much for younger children to take,with a surprising amount of bunny-induced violence on board,this will most definitely make it to your list of favorite animated titles,if it isn't already.The afro-half of Simon and Garfunkel scored a hit with "Bright Eyes" from the film soundtrack,and the film spurred on a moderately successful animated television series,airing 39 episodes in Canada and the UK from 1999-2001,featuring vocal work from the likes of Rik(Young Ones)Mayall,Dawn(Saunders and French)French,Stephen(Young Ones)Fry and John(Alien,I Claudius,Elephant Man)Hurt reprising his role from the film.Next week we'll be looking at bleaker territory still,The Plague Dogs,in detail.As for the Watership warren,I find it best to bestow upon these bunnies a Wopsploitation score of the highest caliber,four wops,as I plan a Woundwort tattoo for myself,sometime in the future...

When bunnies go bananas.