Friday, February 15, 2008

Pre-Sleep Rant of the Day #1:MORIA sucks.

I'm not one to slag off anybody who enjoys horror the way I do.By accident I surfed across "Moria:The Science Fiction Horror Fantasy Film Review" site this morning after work,and hoping to be entertained,I checked out their horror reviews.I was not entertained.
Those who know not their own asses from common applebutter.
Though I agreed with their ratings on many films,I post one inexcusable discrepancy that has forever tainted their backasswards opinion on the horror genre that puts a spirited spring in my step and twinkle in my eye(second only to my Mel).
The Exorcist(1973)-Three and a half stars.
Okay,not EVERYBODY is as entertained by Regan's flow of blasphemous obscenities or her propensity to rape the nearest crucifix,but let's just put the films that scored HIGHER than Friedkin's demonic opus under the microscope,shall we?
The Films that received a FOUR STAR rating(or,in some cases,higher):
Q The Winged Serpent
Ted Bundy
28 Weeks Later
American Psycho
Mr. Brooks
Natural Born Killers
The People Under the Stairs
Dead Ringers
Blade 2
Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula
The Brood
Bubba Ho Tep
Company of Wolves
The Crow
Evil of Frankenstein
Interview with a Vampire
It's Alive
Jeepers Creepers 2
and finally,drumroll,please...The Exorcist 3!!!!Now,I dig a lot of the aforementioned movies,some of them are truly great in their own right,I'm not arguing there.But the day that "Jeepers Creepers 2","Scream","Blade 2",or fucking "Q The Winged Serpent"(or any of the listed titles for that matter) outshine "The Exorcist" on ANY level,I'll poop on a silver platter at a nationally televised event while sporting a fetish chicken suit(with velcro tearaway ass,of course).I could find you a hundred retards who shelled out money to go see garbage like Rob Zombie's Halloween,or one of the TCM remake/ripoffs,but I'd be very fucking hard-pressed to turn up one waterhead that thought Exorcist 3 was a better movie than The fucking original Exorcist!Only in New Zealand could you find wankers of this magnitude.And possibly somewhere in a depressed,socially retarded area of some god-forsaken eastern bloc country.Just stop for a second and try to fit this logic into a normal dialogue between two individuals.
Guy #1:Dude,The Exorcist was the scariest movie I've ever seen,it's like Billy Friedkin captured the essence of true evil personified on celluloid with that work....
MORIA reviewer:Tom Cruise with oversized dental implants in "Interview with a Vampire" was scarier.So was Bruce Campbell made up as a geryatric Elvis in a nursing home combatting pimp/mummies with black JFK in "Bubba Ho Tep".
(Guy #1 throws thai boxing elbow to reviewer's left temporal lobe,causing instant unconsciousness)
Okay I'm done now.MORIA sucks,I'm going to sleep,I'll return with reviews that have a stronger basis in reality than that ridiculous site over the weekend.Cheers.

Yours Cruelly,

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