Monday, August 16, 2010

"La Horripilante bestia humana"(1969)d/Rene' Cardona

Tonight's review goes out to my boy,Dre and also to Betty Crocker,whose confectionary delights have had me zooted for the past week straight.A little different than my last few cake-based excursions turned out,a bit more cerebral and focused this time around.Still cranially delicious,by God.My benders know no limitations,as you might have figured out by now.Two nights in a row I've sit down to churn this bastard out,and two nights in a row,I've been left staring blankly into the monitor screen with Japanese noiseabilly blaring in my headphones.Get it together,you sexy motherfucker.Anyways,on to our feature presentation...
Without Mexico,the world might never have known the fusion of horror elements and wrestling in film.Of course,why anybody would take such a project seriously is beyond me,at this point,but the Mexicans sure did,by the droves.Tonight's review is such a movie,essentially a remake of sorts of director Cardona's earlier 1962 work,"Las Luchadoras contra el medico asesino",or "The Wrestling Women vs. The Murderous Doctor",as I guess he must have run out of Aztec Mummies and Robots for the chicks to battle in the squared circle.Luckily for the viewer this time around,we're not subjected to masked female wrasslers squaring off against bloody apes,as the english release title suggests,but instead an ultra corny,low budget horror movie with some great open heart surgery footage inserts,a homicidal papier-mache' faced apeman,and a masked female wrassler subplot.We'll cover some of the other...ahem...classics of the subgenre at a later date,and answer the eternal question:When a vampire,Frankenstein's Monster,the Mummy,the Wolfman,and a Cyclops are terrorizing the town,how long before Santo and the Blue Demon get called in to wrassle these bastards in a best of three falls match?You probably think I'm kidding,right?I wish I was.
Does she wear the mask when they're playing "hide the beef burrito"? That's the question.
Lucy(Norma Lazareno)is an average,everyday luchadora who wears a red devil mask and costume in the wrasslin' ring,or at least her stunt double who has thirty pounds on her and a serious case of shelf ass does.During an extremely colorful chick-off,she accidentally chucks her opponent out of the ring,inflicting some serious fractured skullage to her green-garbed foe,and when she shows concern for the comatose senorita afterwards,she's met with disbelief from her girlfriend as well as detective/beau,Arthur(Armando Silvestre).So what if you've turned this girl into a perma-veggie,you need to get on with your life,baby.Meanwhile,Dr. Krallman's son Julio(pronounced Jew-lee-o,apparently,if we're to believe the dubbers,excellent as always)is dying of leukemia.With the gimp-legged assistance of Goyo,he plans to test his theory that the heart of a wild animal transplanted into his bed-ridden boy is the only thing that'll save his life.Sounds feasible enough.A trip to the zoo yields a sedated guy-in-a-monkey-suit after setting their sights on some stock footage of an orangutan in a cage.Cue the stock footage inserts of open heart surgery that bought tonight's movie a place on the U.K. "Nasty" list,and the operation seems to have been a success,if Krallman wasn't shooting for not turning his son into a musclebound rapist/murderer with cheezy latex half-face appliances on,looking like a psychotic Charles Bronson in pajama bottoms.Cuz,yeah,that's what happens,via 1940's style "Wolfman" time lapse photography.Only it looked a lot better in the forties.
They were gonna use my heart for this scene,but microsurgery hadn't been invented yet.
So,Julio,now driven by the inner Orang voice spurring him on to rape and murder,tears some bloody latex appliances off of random gents,and bras off of some screaming floppy-titted Spanish broads before settling in to feel their cones.Errr,kill them.Lucy,on the other hand,keeps on a-wrasslin',though something seems to be missing from her victories.Pssst,Luce,maybe it's the fact you crippled that chick at the outset of the picture.Arthur spends many lockerroom scenes trying to boost his dame's morale,usually while she's sprawled out nude.Hey it beats searching for an animalistic rapist-killer on the dark streets.Ellena,the vedge-in-question,gets herself kidnapped from the hospital by Goyo,who lucks out with the catatonic cutie's bed being on the first floor and having a chair under the open window.Gimp-accessible for your convenience.Later,during a conference about the girl's disappearance,the hospital's officials slag it off as a sleepwalking incident.You know those crazy comatose broads with life-threatening brain injuries.Can't sit still for one minute.Krallman decides that maybe transplanting an animal's heart into his son's chest probably wasn't the greatest idea he ever had,and switches the monkey heart for the coma-chick's bloodpumper.Anything for Julio,really.Cue some more surgery footage.Lucy berates Arthur for selfishly wasting time tracking the killer instead of spending quality time looking at her bare ass bouncing on a lockerroom bench,so he invites her down to the park to join he and the boys on their dangerous manhunt.You've got a date,mister!Julio gets trapped on a rooftop,holding a little girl hostage while surrounded by cops and his sympathetic father,who's unconcerned that his son has just ripped his manservant's head off earlier that night.The doctor convinces his ape-boy to release the girl,in a last vestige of humanity,which is rewarded by a rain of police bullets and instant death.As we're treated to more piss-poor time lapse transformation footage of Julio's dead grillpiece from monkey back into spaniard,Arthur and Lucy philosophize over what could have driven the doc to allow so many to suffer just to prolong his son's fleeting life.You're a luchadora,baby,not Sigmond Freud.Now get in that ring and get to suplexin'!
Eat your heart out,Rick Baker.
Something Weird has released the ultimate cut of the film on one of their signature jam-packed two-fer' dvds,which you'll want to hunt down if z-grade crap like this is your cup o'tea.Hey,it's mine,too,I ain't breaking your balls over here.I'm looking for a new file-hosting site for movie screenshots,as PhotoBucket has gotten a little too puritanical for your humble N's tastes.Any suggestions would be pearly,folks.Also,I've noticed a lot of requests from filmmakers and websites in my e-mail concerning the Wop,and I'll get to you this week sometime.Partying bogs you down when it comes to business matters,it seems(in my case anyway).On the scale,Apes draws one wop,but remains some ridiculously cheap fun under the proper circumstances.
Though this expression is worth a laugh or two,it just doesn't measure up to the screenshot of boobs I was gonna post that violated Photobucket's policies before I could get the review up.Come into the new millenium already,you censor-crazy dorks.


Cyberschizoid said...

Ha! This truly is one crazy movie!

Very interesting blog by the way! Cool!

beedubelhue said...



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