Tuesday, June 14, 2016

"Gamera vs Gyaos" (1967) d/ Noriyaki Yuasa

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We've covered some weird flicks here at the Wop over the past nine years, from beds that hungrily eat random hippies, to murderous pro black afro-penises that grow with hatred for the oppressive Caucasian race of honky pigs, and everything you can imagine in between, by cracky. Tonight, the Kai-June thruway passes through some serious weird hairpin curves, mix in some laughable ineptitude, poverty-level special effects, and the pioneer example of "abrasively whiny Japanese fatso kid in ill-fitting shorts who ignores the wisdom of all nearby adults for a terrifying-but-fun Gamera-based adventure" in the Daiei series. That's gotta account for something, right?

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If you should run and you trip and you fall...in the laaaand of Eiichi (Naoyuki Abe) the Latch Key.
Sudden volcanic eruptions attract Gamera, who's spotted by an annoying runt named Eiichi (Naoyuki Abe), who mistakes the massive monster for the pet turtle that he's been forced to abandon by his family, hereafter throwing all caution to the winds where the bellicose behemoth is concerned, certain that he wont be harmed in any way. A lot of this happens throughout. A lot. Gamera climbs into the volcano for his flame-enriched diet's sake, while a team of researchers on their way to the site inexplicably has its helicopter hilariously shorn in half by a sonic beam of mysterious origin. Eiichi and a reporter named Okabe find themselves trapped in a cave investigating the beam, and when a cave in occurs, Okabe leaves the high pitched brat behind, only to swallowed up by Gyaos, a bird-bat monster bested in realism by any old Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float, with a triangular phony head full of deadly weapons at it's disposal. The boy manages to escape only to end up in one of Gyaos' claws, and would be up shit's creek, were it not for the timely arrival of everyone's favorite tusked flying mega-turtle.

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Who's setting who on fire here? It's not obvious.
Gamera rescues Eichii, but receives a painful-looking sonic beam ouchie for his troubles, cueing his obligatory lengthy recuperative sequence, and signalling an equally long segment detailing mankind's futile attempts to thwart the triangular terror, whose devastating attacks have been determined to be curtailed to the pm hours because hokey science. Another titanic tangle between the monsters sees Gamera nearly close the chapter on Gyaos, forcing it to tear its own toes off to escape the turtle's grip and the Sun's paralyzing rays. Despite regenerating his lost tootsies, on which scientists have discovered the fact that they shrink under the scrutiny of intense ultraviolet rays, Gyaos proves as formidable foe as he is fake-looking, dodging a crazy giant spinning platform, with a bird feeder that shoots gallons upon gallons of synthetic blood into the atmosphere to lure the beast in, and ultimately, make him too dizzy to fly off as the sun rises. That's right. The government paid to have that constructed, with kaiju dizziness in mind. Gamera comes back for round three, and though I'm not gonna detail the final scrap here, you can pretty much figure out what happens by now, can't you?

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"Blast you, giant, spinning platform and synthetic blood spraying bird feeder!"
If you've also got a copy of Gamera: Defender of the Universe(1995), then you've seen what a miraculous makeover Gamera's favorite foe, Gyaos,  underwent nearly thirty years later, though ingeniously retaining a slight touch of goofiness in the form of extra googly eyes. Compared to that particular film, tonight's review is like a child's crayon scribbles against the Sistine Chapel ceiling. They only get more outrageous from here, believe me folks, as you'll find out as Kai-June motors further down the sprawling asphalt in search of Cult kicks. On the scale, Gyaos manages to secure itself a telling single Wop, if only for the unintentional laughter packed throughout. If bad movies are your bag, this one's Louis Vuitton.

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"Aiiiiieeeee! If the sun's rays touch me, I'll turn back into a chunk of Yokohama rubber!"
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