Sunday, November 4, 2007

"Blood Freak"(1972)d/Brad Grinter

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There's probably no other movie like this one anywhere in the world.Not even the Turks,as laughingly inept as THEY are at committing films to celluloid(see:Dunyayl Kurtaran Adam,or "Turkish Star Wars"),could dream up anything this unintentionally hilarious.I'm only scratching the surface here.If Andy Milligan,Ed Wood,Uwe Boll,and Roberta Findlay had an Ex-Lax party in Hell and took a collective hot steamy poop on a sterling silver serving platter a la "Salo':120 Days of Sodom",while being filmed by Turks,the end result wouldn't smell this bad.This might in fact be the Holy Grail of bad/good horror movies,respect due to "Creeping Terror" and "Plan 9 From Outer Space".If this be error,and upon me prov'd,then I've never Wop'd,and no man ever lov'd.
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Herschell(Steve Hawkes)tokes a poolside spleefie in the name of peer pressure,and is hopelessly hooked on dope thereafter.
Herschell,a muscular Elvis lookalike with an Eastern Bloc accent and horrible burn scars,hits the Florida highways on a chopper he's about a hundred pounds too big for when he comes upon Angel,a damsel in distress having car trouble.He gives her a lift to her house,where a groovy drug party is going down,hosted by her sister Ann,a seventies-tastic young thing with Sharpied-on eyebrows and a room full of fifty year old friends.Herschell soon learns that Angel is a bible-quoting do-goodnik, and her sister Ann,who seems to have invited country crooner/Chapstick snorter George Jones to her outta sight get-together,is a party girl.Though Herschell is more interested in the scripture-quoting christian(!),Ann sneakily wins his affections by conning him into toking a doobie by the pool.Only the joint in question turns Herschell into a simpering junkie in the span of ten minutes or so.Meanwhile the girls' father gets Herschell a job at a nearby turkey farm as a human guinea pig,where two turkey scientists feed our hero chemically-altered turkey meat.They even offer him some drugs as an added perk.Score.
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Junkie dies from loss of blood,spurting from her groovy blouse.News at eleven.
After consuming an entire drug-laden turkey wrapped in tin foil(with no side dishes or drink to wash it all down),Herschell collapses in the grass,in a dope induced twitching spasm,and blacks out.When he comes to,he finds that some wise guy has replaced his normal head with an oversized papier mache' turkey head with fangs and ping pong ball eyes.Now a terrifying titular blood freak,he sets out to hang dope-loving hippies from a ladder,sloppily drinking their blood(which spurts from a hose under their shirt) in cupped hands as a stock terror shriek is played repeatedly,even when the hippie in question has her mouth closed.In a mire of despondency and gorged on drug-blood,Herschell lumbers back to Ann in hopes she can save him from his current low state.Despite his horrifying feathery appearance,Ann turns the lights off and fucks the turkey monster(..."Oooh,Herschell,oooh"..."gobblegobble")before gathering her long-haired buddies to collectively drum up a plan to save Herschell's life.
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Oh Lord,please remove this assininely hokey plaster mask,and I'll swear off ganja for life,I promise!
The blood freak escapes to murder a drug dealer,circular sawing off the poor bastard's prosthetic leg,leaving him to drown in stage blood,clutching the plastic stump and screaming for a minute straight before finally joining the choir invisible.He then kills another junkie broad and an elderly onlooker before incurring the wrath of an enraged overweight redneck,who hops a fence and plunges an ice pick into one of the fiend's ping pong eyes.The goofy turkey head shows up on a dinner table next to a real cooked turkey,which is savaged bare-handedly by chattery off-camera poultry aficionados.The audience is then revisited by chain-smoking on-screen narrator,Brad Grinter,who rambles incoherently from a script on the table before nearly choking to death in delivering the film's apparently christian message.We cut back to Herschell at the turkey farm unconscious from his drug spaz,and find that the whole turkey nightmare was merely a badly filmed psychotic hallucination,spurred on from a reaction of the turkey drugs and marijuana.At the close,Herschell and Ann find a better life through Christ,our lord.Amen.Cue the groovy acid rock guitar score.
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"So when you eat or take into your body any chemical... or drugs... you take a chance on reactions that are untested. Unpredictable."
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"And yet there are far too [coughing] far too many of us, who go right on taking the good way of life for granted. Ignoring the warnings. So [cough] let's give a little thought to making our own story [cough] have a happy ending![uncontrollable hacking cough,smile,wave cigarette at camera,fade out]"
Do I really have to say any more about this movie?You owe yourself and your buddies repeated hilarious viewings(when I first saw this years ago at my friend Chris' place,we both laughed so hard we very nearly needed adult disposable diapers by the boffo finish),so if you don't own this in your collection,you had better get your hands on a copy pronto.Something Weird offers the definitive print on dvd,with a slew of extras,and even an easter egg.My god,buy it now.
Zero out of four B.W.'s


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