Friday, December 17, 2010

X-mas Wop Shopping List for Dummies 2010

While you're out scrambling and clawing your way through the twisted mass of human lemmings this Christmas season,shopping for trinkets and doodads to appease your Emperor,you may repeatedly ask yourself:What do I buy for the guy who has EVERYTHING?And you wouldn't be unjustified in pondering this to yourself,or even to a crack team of researchers either.But honestly,no one knows a one-of-a-kind helluva guy like B.W. like this two-thumbed rascal right here.So,return that fifty-pack of horror dvds you hurriedly picked up at the local truck stop,and let Wopifex Maximus show you how to bring the devilish smile upon the face you've come to know and love,here during this most glorious time of year.
Though I'm not opposed to a nifty Italian sports car fresh off the assembly line,a fully restored and customized Mercury Cougar 1967-1970(Eliminator or XR-7 package is a plus)in black or red would most definitely trump that Atari 2600 I got from Santer back in 1980.
II:Choice Taxidermy
Nothing says,"Ti adoro,Stefano..."like a rad dangerous animal's decapitated dome mounted on wood and screwed to the wall above my waterbed.I love this thing,and frankly,it just may come in handy during rough sex if those teeth are as sharp as they look,I could simply leave the straight razor on the nightstand.Kodiak bear and adult male lion are also good options.
III:Roman/Italian Busts n' Statues
Though I obviously share a deep spiritual bond with Emperor Gaius and Benito Mussolini,you'd still be looked upon favorably if you hooked up,say,Tiberius or Nero,or Gabriele D'Annunzio.I'm easy like a Sunday morning over here.
IV:Electric Chair
Always wanted one of these.At this point it doesn't really matter if the thing is,or ever has been functional,I just think I could do some serious brainstorming with my ass parked in one.
V: Clothing
Brutus,Levi's,Ben Sherman,Three Stroke,Pit Bull,Fred Perry,Doc Marten,Lonsdale,and Rotten Cotton pretty much makes up the majority of my vast wardrobe,so stick within those guidelines and you'll be right as dodgers by me.I've been eyeing up custom Detroit Red Wings jerseys too.Just sayin'.
VI:Retro Coolness
Any genre-related 70's merch I'm especially fond of,as a guy who regularly strolls down Memory Lane,since it's not only great tasting,it's also good for you.Of course,if your two foot high Bandai 1995 Burning Godzilla Super Premium Final Form is taking up too much space in your pagoda,ship it on off to the kid over here.I'll give it the TLC it so desperately needs.
Like every red-blooded male on the planet,I derive great pleasure from shooting and blowing things up,and though forty grand for an MP5 might be just outside your price range(donating plasma might help you get to where you need to be,just sayin'),I'm always happy to wield a Mac 10 or 11,or a post-ban AK-47,in compliance with the state's fine gun laws.You've got a friend in Pennsylvania,Pennsylvania.
VIII:Skull-themed Brassies
I'm big on skulls and err,ummm...paperweights,so you can imagine how rad I would think you are if one of these puppies turned up under the X-Mas Tree/Festivus Pole(whatever Doc decides on throwing up,I stand behind).
IX:A Good Woman
Hahaha,good luck findin' one of these elusive beasts anywhere.I had to end the list with one totally unrealistic wish,just for the sake of comedy.
Well,that just about covers it.And if you get pinched trying to lift the Caligula bust from the museum in Leeds,do us both a favor,and keep my name out of it,for fuck's sake.Happy Hunting!

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