"Revenge of the Creature" (1955) d/ Jack Arnold

Tonight, we'll cover the 1955 3D sequel to the 1954 3D original (Revenge was also the only 3D feature released that year, coincidentally), the only time in cinema history that's ever occurred, and the first of two sequels spawned by the frenetic enthusiasm that audiences displayed for the Gill-Man at the box office. Jack Arnold returned to the director's chair here, and B-movie hero, Mr. Shirley Temple, John Agar himself, takes the lead, with cerebral blonde, Lori Nelson, appearing as his romantic interest/ Gill-Man bait. Ricou Browning also returns as the Creature, who's undergone a few noticeable cosmetic alterations, but remains ever ready to face palm the nearest unlucky devil with webbed authority.


"You feel lucky enough to light that Bunsen burner...well, do ya...punk?"
Despite the previous year's expedition to the Amazon ending in tragic failure, Lucas (Nestor Paiva) is back in the Green Inferno with a new boat, and a new crew of scientists determined to capture the fabled amphibious monster that dwells in the Black Lagoon, for obvious research purposes, but more so, for lucrative ticket sales at Ocean Harbor, an early Sea World-esque water park, where tourists will pay long green to gawk at the fishy fella from behind protective aquarium glass. The capture in question, takes all of fifteen minutes, thanks to an environmentally sound technique called "dynamite fishing", that leaves the titular Creature in a comatose dead man's float amid hundreds of belly up fish, ready to be exploited, errr, studied in far off,  sunny Florida. Once the experts have walked him back to consciousness, shark-style, with only one meathead casualty (John Bromfield), it's chains and shackle, feeder fish out of metal cages, and Pavlovian conditioning with a nifty cattle prod to the midsection for the new specimen. Ah, those early days of science...


"I hope you've brought your snorkel tonight, darling...", quips Clete (John Agar).
Tired of being labonza-prodded with 'behave yourself' voltage, and being chained to the bottom of the fish tank like an amphibious Kunta Kinte, Gill-Man finally busts the fuck loose like Richard Pryor, amid screaming, terrified tourists, tipping over cars, and generally exacting rampaging Devonian era revenge, before diving into the ocean and swimming home...well, not exactly. Instead, the scaly fiend swims towards St. Augustine, where he does some peep-tomming on Helen Dobson (Lori Nelson) in the shower, but respectfully waits until she's decently clothed again (laying the whack on her improbably-named dog, Chris(!), in the meantime) at a nearby Lobster House bandstand party, before carrying her off, screaming, into the night. Helen's colleague/beau, Professor Clete Ferguson (John Agar), is totes jelly(fish) at the notion of an inter-species interloper, filling him full of lead, and forcing him to repeat his half-dead float from the original picture, in the end.


The Gill-Man(Ricou Browning) can totally see you in your new underthings. And he doesn't much hate it.
Look for the first screen appearance of Clint Eastwood in a cameo as a scatterbrained lab assistant with mice in his pockets. I vividly recall New York station WPIX broadcasting this one in 3D in the early eighties, and being front row and center of the big floor model tv in our parlor, in red and blue glasses, with one hand on the pause button of my Panasonic top loader, to remove the commercials in between. Like many sequels before and since, Revenge doesn't nearly hold up in comparison with it's groundbreaking predecessor, but remains packed with enough nostalgic 50's B-movie monster mayhem to stay entertainingly buoyant on a cinematic ocean of also-ran's. A recommended cult classic that amasses an impressive three Wops, in review, and demands a spot on the shelves of every self-respecting horror dvd/BR enthusiast.


"Only youuuuuu...can make this world seem riiiiight..."

"The Beguiled"(1971)d/Don Siegel

I'm not gonna sit here and blow chocolate kush smoke up Eastwood's turd cutter.He's had a lifetime's worth of praise from tough guys n' skirt-wearing Sallys alike.He's gotta be sick of hearing it.As much as I like to bask in positive acknowledgement for my work,when the compliments start creepily multiplyin' and I find myself standing alone on the main drag in Uncomfortable City,the only feasible remedy is to start throwing bombs like a younger,heavily tatted up,better looking Philo Bedoe until my ears are once again filled with the sweet whimper-music of the broken and conquered.Clint's always been one of my favourite actors.That's all you get,Eastwood.I don't wanna bake you a cherry pie,get a headache listening to that awful jazz you seem to like,or ever see Firefox again.You got a problem with that,you old punk,I'll gladly hold the door for you,showing respect for my elders,before I feed you a mouth fulla Wop knuckles and check your eighty year old ass into Hotel Zzzzzzzzzz.
Now if you asked me about my favourite Eastwood vehicle,you might be surprised to find that it wasn't a Leone western concerning a mysterious gunman or a Siegel drama centered around a cop that marches to the beat of his own drum.My favorite Eastwood movie is tonight's review,a dark,moody period piece about deception and what happens when you scorn those of the fairer sex,a mostly unsuccessful film whose promotion was thoroughly fumbled by Universal Studios who had less idea on how to market its release than Rod Marinelli had on how to coach a professional American football team in 2008.They tried passing it off as tempest in a teapot fare,played out in a conservatoire,even misleadingly posing the action star with a gun in the one sheet(above).They even tried rewriting the ending,but director Siegel and Eastwood both balked at the idea,preferring to remain truer to the 1966 novel,"A Painted Devil" by Thomas Cullinan,on which the screenplay is based.The film comes with my highest recommendation,of course,but be forewarned,this isn't the typical punch 'em up/shoot 'em up Eastwood you've come to know and love.This is an amazingly sombre film,brilliantly executed by all involved,and a must see for all lovers of great cinema.You'll have a hard time driving it from your mind after the final credits roll.

Amy(Pamelyn Ferdin),who's not too young for kisses,saves the life of Union Corporal McBurney(Eastwood),who's not too wounded for treachery.
Towards the end of the American Civil War,Union Corporal John McBurney(Clint Eastwood)is seriously wounded while fighting on the wrong side of the Mason/Dixon line.He is rescued by 12 year old Amy(Pamela Ferdin),a young student at an all-girl academy in Louisiana,while she picks wild mushrooms in the forest.Back at the school,the girls unanimously agree to nurse him until he's healthy enough for the passing confederate soldiers to pick up and haul off to jail.As he slowly recovers his physical prowess he also wins the trust and subsequent lust of the schoolmistress(Gerladine Page),who's brother(brother-plus,these two are a little more than siblings.Blech.) is off fighting for the stars and bars.It isn't long before the silver-tongued Yank is weaving a tapestry of flattery and deceit around everything with a petticoat(or even a hanky wrapped around her head).He resists the headmistress's carnal advances in favor of the mousy,younger schoolmarm(Elizabeth Hartman),sparking the brother-fucker's jealous wrath.The younger,sexually experienced Carol(a deliciously sexy Jo Ann Harris)soon takes on the persona of an alley cat in heat,ultimately sneaking off to McB's room for that he might break himself off a piece,igniting the scorn of the wallflower/teacher.Hell,he even introduces the pre-teen Amy to the world of lip fu,after which she confides to her pet turtle that he loves her.McB,yer a dog,spelled d-a-dubya-g.

McB fancies the alluring young siren,Carol(Jo Ann Harris).East would,and so would I.
He even manages to get flirty with the negro servant while she shaves his face and pines for her slave husband,but horny confederate enemies passing through make his games of the heart seem almost tolerable to the lonely southern belles,until the schoolmaster's jealous rage sends the corporal tumbling down the steps towards a compound fractured leg,which the vengeful femme amputates at the dining room table with a hacksaw(!).Awaking to life as a cripple sends the salacious soldier into a drunken,vitriol-laced bender,where McBurnley holds the school at bay with a pistol,announcing that he'll have any woman that wants him with no more resistance from them,his life now mirrored by a blackbird the girls have tied to an upstairs window railing by a string.As a final act of intoxicated aggression,he hurls the twelve year old's pet turtle to the ground,effectively destroying the last semblance of feelings any of the women might have had for him.A more reasonable clear and sober head at the dinner table finds the corporal apologizing for his earlier actions,announcing plans to quietly marry the young Edwina and start a meager life together,but alas,it is too late to extinguish the fires of hatred he's ignited in the hearts of his captors.His rapidly blurring vision and the girls aversion to the bowl of wild mushrooms during the meal suggests that innocent little Amy may have indeed mistakenly picked the wrong type of mushrooms earlier that day,leading to the grimmest of downbeat finales imaginable.Bravo.

Save me a wing,girls.
16 years after the production was released,two of the female stars,Geraldine Page and Elizabeth Hartman died within three days of each other,Page by heart attack,Hartman,a suicide.Also on board here is a very young Melody Thomas,who would later find genre success in Pirahna,before snaring a long-running part on soap opera,Young and the Restless.Though Siegel and Eastwood were eluded by deserved kudos from fans and critics alike for tonight's entry,they would find enormous success working together on their next motion picture,involving a hot dog devouring character named Callahan with a large handgun and a propensity to fire it before asking questions,the following year.For my money though,this review solidified Eastwood's place among the top actors of the day,and even,all-time,for that matter.You really owe it to yourselves to hunt down a print of this one and give it a shot,you'll be pleasantly surprised,especially if you enjoy dark,creepy atmosphere in movies the way I do.Oh by the way,I was,indeed,smiling as I wrote that bit in the top paragraph,Blondie.Keep those hands outta the poncho,where I can see 'em.Four wops,and your humble N's highest recommendation.

"Great Caesar's ghost!I've just overdosed on tragic mushrooms..."

Tarantula(1955)d/Jack Arnold

Horror of the fifties,thy name is big ass bugs.In the Atom Age,all sorts of denizens of the insect world grew to size "Holy Shit!" and terrorized mankind.From ants in Them! to mantids in The Deadly Mantis,most of natures nasties exacted multi-legged retribution for man's scientific curiosity on the silver screen.Perfect drive in fodder if you think about it...you and your chick in a roadster,chicks naturally hate bugs,giant cinematic bug creeps chick out and into your lap,where,inevitably,much necking and heavy petting will commence.I'm all about that sort of thing myself.Hell,I've even used the "blue ball" excuse that probably pre-dates the drive in era by fifty years or so.This entry is one of my personal favorites of the sub-genre for obvious reasons...

You know,I'll bet that thing is gonna get outta there later on...
The good professor Deemer(Leo G. Carroll)has been working on solving the world's hunger problems by developing a nutrient formula that causes giantism in animals out in his southwestern desert laboratory.You'd think he'd be more concerned with making communists smaller instead,but we continue...He's succeeded in growing guinea pigs,rats...tarantulas(insert incidental theremin here)...but failed in administering his serum to two of his assistants.Doesn't have the same effect on humans,apparently.One of which turns up very deformed and very dead,baffling authorities,but the other,he's deformed and PISSED OFF.He pays Deemer a social call,going knuckle up with the prof,injecting him with his own serum,smashing valuable equipment,starting a raging lab fire,and freeing a giant tarantula who legs it the hell outta there into the scalding sand.Dr.Hastings(50's journeyman John Agar)has a two-fold problem:figuring out the weirdness going on out in the desert and getting into Deemer's new assistant Stephanie Clayton's(Mara Corday)big cotton fifties britches.

The monstrous mygalamorph sets its eight eyes on some horses to chow down on.
When some horses turn up as bone dry skeletons with strange white puddles nearby,Hastings deducts that perhaps not all of Deemer's lab animals died in the fire.In the meantime,the professor's physical appearance is steadily gaining in whacked-out zaniness,due to his involuntary nutrient injection,much to his dismay and our chagrin.The escaped spider,now over 100 feet,has focused its venom-dripping chelicerae on human prey,dining on some hobos,truck drivers,and state troopers who learn the hard way that the beast is impervious to shotgun blasts and even dynamite!The boisterous beast even returns to the scene of the crime,pulverizing Deemer's pad,taking down the gruesomely deformed professor with it.Things look bleak for the small town as the tarantula converges upon them,until it learns a valuable lesson about humanity:If you piss us off,we'll call in Clint Eastwood in a jet fighter armed with napalm.

The town trembles in terror as the towering tarantula traipses towards them.
Along with Earth vs. The Spider,always my favorite among the many atom age fifties nature gone awry flicks.The film's producers used air jets to get the live action tarantula to move in the directions they wanted it to over the miniature set,which probably stressed her the fuck out in the process,as blasts of air from above do not occur in nature.Yeah,sorry,I've always been a hopeless arachnophile,if you hadn't already guessed from earlier posts.Anyway,to all my readers,I wish you a happy holiday today with friends,family,and loved ones,but know this:if the tryptophan in your turkey dinner caused you to doze off around me,I'd probably take a Sharpie marker to your face.I'm a lot of fun like that.Tarantula rates:

Feeling lucky,spider?!!Well,are ya?