"Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor" (1990) d/ Glenn Takakjian

If you're nearly as old as ol' Dubya, you might remember seeing gimmick VHS boxes on the shelf at your local video store towards the end of the eighties... You know, the ones with impressive protruding 3D graphics, flashing LED eyes, and even greeting card sound modules lent to the packaging to boost the appeal for B-movie fare, titles like 1989's The Dead Pit, and tonight's review, a movie that started out as the sequel to 1983's cult classic, Return of the Aliens- The Deadly Spawn, that's heavy on practical special effects and laughs, some of which I believe to be intentional. Laughs of the other variety are born mainly out of the acting performances of the cast, whose collective on-screen wood must have been some subconscious tribute to the logging industry of sorts.


 Allen Rickman. You'll never mistake him for Alan Rickman.
In a New Jersey research facility overseen by the Talos Corporation, Dr. Foster, while experimenting with alien forms of  DNA and lab animals, is bitten on the hand by one of his mutations, and despite having the good sense to let his co-worker Nancy douse it with hydrochloric acid, he still eventually morphs into a giant uncircumsized cock-with-teeth that lands it's meals with whip-like tentacles and spits living venomous mouths out of it's midsection, while pulling itself around the darkened hallways on some uneven-looking Thing-ish legs, after sending Dr. Stein (Allen Rickman) and the shift security guard to meet their respective makers. Nancy is still convinced that Foster's not all bad, while her chain-smoking, dialog-croaking superior, Vialini (Marcus Powell), has already contracted the hit out to a pair of  subordinate bullies with machine guns.


Hey, I remember you from Topps Ugly Stickers...
Only, the aforementioned bloody security guard casualty was father to a pair of inquisitive mall pigs named Kim and Sherri, all agog to discover his current whereabouts, and with the help of Brian, who's a poor man's Kirk Cameron with (slightly)less acting and more painfully ineffective slapstick, the sisters manage to gain entry to the facility, which is quickly becoming littered with body parts torn asunder and splattered grue and who's hallways the girls are seemingly always jogging up and down at a leisurely pace. Still, more than fast enough to avoid being lassoo'ed for lunch by the uneven-legged denizen from deep space, though it does manage to toss Nancy around like a stop motion salad, and pop Vialini's top off before the girls somehow trap it in the building's full sized state-of-the-art particle accelerator. You know, the kind that people can stand mere feet away from, while running, without fear of radioactive repercussions. I love those. It all wraps up much like it's 1983 predecessor, with an enormous, belligerent whatzit breaking through the roof, all threatening-like.


"Which of you puny earthlings is driving me to Woodbridge Center ?!!?"
Takakjian takes the director's chair here, after being a part of the special effects crew on Deadly Spawn, and he's not bad. Speaking of special effects, they're the only reason you're ever gonna want to see this one, with  Jersey's own uber-talented Vincent Guastini tackling the creatures and makeup and Don Taylor handling the visuals. I did vaguely mention the stop motion sequences already, yes? Also very choice. If you go into Metamorphosis as a fan of old fashioned sci-fi and monster movies, you'll come out satisfied on a nostalgic level, and for that, I'd have to bestow a deuce upon it on the rating scale. Give it a look.


"I'm warnin' you, if I missed Father Dowling Mysteries tonight...."

"Return of the Aliens:Deadly Spawn"(1983)d/Douglas McKeown

When I first saw this low budget independent classic,I was skipping off school to smoke cigarettes,listen to Adam and the Ants records,and sneak a few quality hours in of screening my old man's unlabelled VHS porn collection with my buddies.It takes me back to the era of Flowbee feathered haircuts,big combs in your back pocket(I won't say what we used to call them in the spirit of good taste...),jean jackets,flannel shirts and work boots.Just take a drive through present day Manville,NJ to see what I'm talking about.Anyway,the big box release of this flick on Continental Video was what movies were all about back then.You could rent "Tuff Turf",to see what the little girl from "Escape from Witch Mountain" grew up into,or you could grab this one,with a snarling multi-headed alien beast with various bloody severed body parts strewn around it on the huge video box.Kim Richards usually lost to John Dods at my place(no offense to teenaged Kim,looking all cute in her Fashion Bug '80s new wave threads).

Nothing wrong with a little head for breakfast.
At the outset of our story,in a paen to "The Blob"(1957),two campers investigate the impact site of a large meteorite.While one ducks into the tent for a flashlight,the other is rended limb from limb in the shadows by whatever it was that crawled out of the meteorite.Then the second camper becomes a meal himself.The following morning,a suburban couple prepare to embark on a journey to a relative's house when the man notices the pipes are on the fritz.Unbeknownst to him,one of the cellar windows was left open during the night,giving easy access to he and his family for the being from the skies.When he doesn't return from the basement,his wife soon follows him to an untimely demise.

Alien tadpoles make short work of some poor bastard's face.
Hours later,the remaining members of the household beign to rouse from their slumber.Peter(who's having friends over to study...on a Saturday...nerd alert) and Charles(the obligatory young monster-loving horror freak),their sons,visiting Aunt Millie(who's planning a veggie luncheon date for her circle of stuffy old biddies/friends) and Uncle Herb(a child psychologist who's promised to give Charles a once over to see if the boy's bloody interests are normal or not..and YES,of course they are...),and an electrician is scheduled for a visit.For those keeping score at home,the body count possibilities are staggering at this point.Ellen and Frankie,two of Peter's friends show up for their Saturday study session(blech) with the promise of Kathy's arrival later on.Millie bails, but leaves a note for the electrician to let himself in through the cellar door.

Headless nerd chick's corpse in the front lawn.News at eleven.
Charles,young prankster that he is,decides to throw on a latex mask and costume and pop down into the cellar to scare the pants off the unsuspecting electrician.He stumbles onto the alpha alien,chowing down on the technician instead.The hulking beast lurches towards the boy,but when he freezes in the darkness,the thing and its multiple larvae swimming about in puddles on the cellar floor,lose track of him,as they are led by sound rather than sight,being eyeless. "Holy Saint Xenobius!" moment:The monstrosity then upchucks the boy's mother's head to the concrete below,where its tadpoles abruptly rip the face off the bloody thing,frozen in a death scream.Where anyone else would lose it having just seen psychologically destructive shit like that,this kid remains one cool motherfucker,still frozen in place.He throws a flashlight against a far wall,causing the creatures to follow the sound.He sees some of the flesh-crazed larva sidewinding out an open cellar window into the storm outside.

Let's see Uwe Boll create this kind of tension for 27,000 bucks.
The titular aliens kick into high gear,spoiling Aunt Millie's dusty get-together,burrowing into Uncle Herb's eye sockets(!),and the apex beast traps the studious nerds in an upstairs bedroom(chomping Ellen's nerdy head off in the process,and causing the headless dork to fall out a window to the lawn below),across from the bedroom with a phone.Oh sweet irony.In the end,it's up to Charles,Frankie,Peter,and Kathy to take on the ravenous otherworldly menace,which they manage to do,in a way that would make Richard Dean Anderson's MacGyver green with envy.By the time the authorities arrive,dispatching stray tadpoles and returning the rural area to normalcy,the mountain in the background begins to rumble...It can't be!Oh,yes it can.

You're gonna need a bigger boat...