"It Happened at Lakewood Manor" (1977) d/ Robert Scheerer

Even if you missed tonight's review when it was first broadcast back in 1977 (I didn't, so nyah nyah, motherfuckers. You never missed cool shit like this back then, it was forbidden.), you were probably drawn in years later by the USA Home Video big box vhs with Suzanne Somers' ant-engulfed milk wagons depicted on the sleeve, and really, who'd blame you for that? I picked it up myself, back then, for that very reason, only to be reminded that, for heavy on names it was, with the likes of Robert Foxworth, Lynda Day George, Brian Dennehy, and even Suzanne Somers, in a brief cameo capacity, though she receives top billing for it, all on board, it was pretty light on delivery of the genre goods, though it remains a nostalgic stroll back to a time when television networks created their own quickie cash ins on silver screen trends, and with movies like Kingdom of the Spiders (1977), Grizzly (1976), Day of the Animals (1977) all cashing in at the box office, eco-horror proved too lucrative to ignore for their small screen competitors.


Come n' die on the floor (come n' die on the floor) meet the ants and you're through (meet the ants and you're through)...(sung to the tune of "Three's Company"main theme)
Two construction workers stumble into a swarm of ultra-aggressive ants with a toxic bite in a closed section of the Lakewood Hotel, during an extensive renovation, but before they can warn anyone of the impending poison picnic, they get buried alive. Oops. Now, like a hundred minute episode of Love Boat, we get the main cast of characters; there's the elderly proprietor, Mrs. Adams (Myrna Loy) and her sultry daughter, Valerie (Lynda Day George), who's having flesh-pleasure with the foreman, Mike (Robert Foxworth), who discovers the workers' corpses with his buddy Vince (Bernie Casey! Hot damn, that's outta sight.), and then there's real estate mogul Fleming (Gerald Gordon) actively pursuing his dream of turning the place into a casino, and his busty piece of side trim, Gloria (Suzanne Somers), along for the ride, to sit around in next to nothing and look really fucking good, doing it. Meanwhile, the aggro army of ants assaults a young boy, then kills a cook, and nearly adds Vince to its growing list of fatalities, which Mike has a hunch that they just might be responsible for...


"You little bastards! BAAAAAAAAASTARDS!"
Enter two workers from the Board of Health (Anita Gillette, Bruce French) who make the investigative scene, determining that these ants are not only poisonous, but highly resistant to insecticides. A recipe for disaster if ever I've heard one. Meanwhile, Gloria's slumped dead on the floor, with ant-engulfed titties, another health board bloke bites the dust, and a rag tag group of survivors is being driven upstairs to safety by the ants, who've overtaken the hotel from their massive nest in the pit, and number in the millions. The authorities dig a trench to hold the deadly army back, using water and gasoline to fuel their rescue of the trapped patrons and employees inside. Finally, only Mike, Valerie, and Fleming remain, cornered by ants. Fleming miserably fails his attempt at a triple Lindy to safety out the window, and the two trapped lovers are forced to breathe through tubes as they're rescued by workers in white suits who smoke the little bastards out. But could it all happen again? It could've, but thankfully, it didn't.


"Ahhhhh!!! Somebody loose-topped the pepper shaker on me!"
Super soul brother Bernie Casey was still riding a wave of popularity at the time of this tv movie, one that started with 1969's Guns of the Magnificent Seven, and included genre classics like Gargoyles (1972), Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde (1976), and Cleopatra Jones (1973), while Foxworth showed up in Damien :Omen II (1978) and Prophecy (1979). Somers appeared in Bullitt (1968), American Graffiti (1973), Magnum Force (1973), and even Billy Jack Goes to Washington (1977) before scoring the familiar role of Chrissy Snow, really the only reason you'd ever be caught dead watching Three's Company, besides splitting a side at whatever getup Furley has on, and Stanley Roper's zingers at his horny, homely old wife, but you get where I'm coming from. Myrna Loy was an actress who was huge in the twenties and thirties. Like I was getting to earlier, you may want to revisit this one for nostalgia's sake, and truthfully,  seeing it takes me back to grade school, where I was much like the Wop you see before you now, but with more hair, and less tattoos. Still, I've gotta cite it's overall weakness in the delivery of quality seventies eco-horror like many of it's counterparts managed to achieve. On the scale, Manor merits a measly single Wop, worth a look for hardcore horror addicts, perhaps.


"You mean we're smoking dog shit, man?" 

"The Devil's Daughter" (1973) d/ Jeannot Szwarc

By 1973, devils, demons, and diabolical dealings had become all the rage in Hollywood, thanks in part, to the success of Roman Polanski's occult shocker, Rosemary's Baby (1968). Of course, I was three years old when they first broadcast tonight's review, so Sesame Street, Electric Company, and Let's All Sing with Tony Saletan all had my minimal attention span on lockdown back then. It's a shame, too, because only a year or so later I'd have grooved on such a made-for-tv effort, starring Canadian brunette Belinda Montgomery, who was no stranger to the genre, having appeared in Ritual of Evil for the networks three years earlier. Of course, Shelley Winters is at the top of her early seventies hamminess here, and you've also got to factor in a cast of supporting names like Joseph Cotten, Robert Foxworth, Dianne Ladd, Lucille Benson, Abe "Fish" Vigoda, and a post-Dark Shadows Barnabus Collins himself, Jonathan Frid.


"Marry a demon? I'd sooner play the mother of a licensed fourteen year old doctor...for ninety-seven episodes."
Diane's (Belinda Montgomery) mom prearranges a marriage between her daughter and the son of Satan in exchange for some folding money, eventually backing out on the deal when she tries to assassinate the Devil with a bullet, fatally shooting herself in the process, like the foolish mortal that she is. When Diane comes out of her sheltered existence of private schools and convents to attend her mother's funeral, she's approached by an obnoxious redheaded Satanist named Lilith (Shelley Winters) and her mute chauffeur, Mr. Howard (Jonathan Frid), and asked to be a guest at her luxurious mansion, where a strange seal bearing intersected crosses seems to be everywhere.


"Before any Satanic orgies commence, I always like to consult my painting of Hugh Jackman."
Creeped out by Lilith's Pan-born pushiness, Diane breaks out like viral conjunctivitis and scores herself an apartment of her own, makes new less-black arts inclined acquaintances in a girl named Alice Shaw (Dianne Ladd), but Lilith and her associates are as resourceful as they are diligent, and the theft of a small glass horse figurine spells a deadly horse riding accident for Alice. Naturally, Diane hooks up with her newly deceased pal's boyfriend, Steve (Robert Foxworth). There's a big party at Lilith's pad, where Diane drinks a little too much, shakes it loose, and is hailed as the "Princess of Darkness" by a guest list that includes Abe Vigoda, ferchrissakes. She later meets with a judge (Joseph Cotten) who informs her of a trust fund she's entitled to, as set up by her father, and even volunteers to give the bride away at her upcoming spur-of-the-moment wedding to Steve. Cue: Trick ending, and one worthy of the pages of a seventies D.C. horror anthology.


"Have you seen me in 'A Double Life'? Errrr... I've got an Academy Award I can show you, too..."
If the director's name sounds familiar to you, it's probably because he was responsible for genre fodder like the made-for-tv Night of Terror (1972), Bug (1975), and Jaws 2 (1978), as well as no less than nineteen episodes of the excellent television horror anthology, Night Gallery. We'll try to erase his credits on Supergirl (1984) and Santa Claus (1985) from our collective memory if we can. Jonathan Frid would turn up the following year in Ollie Stone's feature-length debut, Seizure, his only role thereafter, save for in a cameo in Tim Burton's Dark Shadows (2012) the same year he passed away. On the scale, Daughter ties the infernal knot with a couple of cloven Wops, a devilishly enjoyable time to be had, for sure. Hunt it down!


"....set my Little Orphan Annie decoder ring to B2 to find out the secret message..."