"Howl" (2015) d/Paul Hyett

Tonight's review is a quaint little British number from the bloke who gave you the make up effects in such recent horror fare as The Descent (2005) and The Woman in Black (2012). It hasn't got any snakes and there are no planes, hell, Samuel L. is nowhere to found, while we're at it. Werewolves on a train, on the other hand,  it does have, in droves. It's also got the son of the third incarnation of Doctor Who, Sean Pertwee, who's no stranger to lycanthropes himself, having gone head to head with the hairy howlers in Neal Marshall's Dog Soldiers (2002), in a Neeson-esque blink-and-you'll-miss-him turn. Before we draw any conclusions, let's familiarize ourselves with the story, which goes like this...


"I'm the recurring 'oblivious fat guy in the loo' gag."
Joe (Ed Speelers) is a luckless cunt having a pretty shit day, by any accounts, having been passed over for a promotion and browbeaten into taking an extra shift as a guard by his new superior at British Rail, and all in front of a female co-worker he's been unsuccessfully trying to make some time with. On his latest late night ride, there's all sorts of characters to make his trip more unpleasant: a kindly, elderly couple, a ruthless and cocky alpha male prick (Elliott Cowan), stereotypical Paki nerd (Amit Shah), an oblivious young airhead chick, a rotund footie yob with an overactive digestive system, you get the picture. Even a job so effortless as collecting fare tickets seems like breaking big rocks into little ones in a Texas quarry under the noon day sun. Then, the train mysteriously stops. The conductor (Sean Pertwee) steps out into the mist-enshrouded darkness to locate the source, and gets ate all up (great having you on the show, Sean) by something snarling from the surrounding woods. This is a signal that Joe's evening is about to get progressively worse.


" Though I hold them in very high esteem, I do NOT worship cows!"
The passengers soon find themselves under waves of intensifying attack by this stealthy killer, and Joe is suddenly forced to take charge to preserve these travelers' lives, though still visibly under the thumb of the swarthy posh prick that's out for himself, even (especially) in this time of great, harrowing danger. And his would be bird, also on shift,  is still looking. Even though the train car has been fortified and barricaded against the aforementioned attacks and a few gruesome deaths, the beast manages to break in and catch a hearty beating at the hands of the Hindu, who suddenly grows a Herculean set of balls, and kills it. Upon closer inspection, the (somewhat) lifeless corpse reveals itself to be some type of homicidal hybrid between man and wolf. It's a bloody good thing there aren't any more of these chappies out there in the for-...oh yeah, there are. About three of them, all with the same murderous blood lust. Can anyone escape their claws und fangs? Will Joe hold up under pressure, and get the girl? Will the footie yob ever get off the toilet? All of these questions and more will be answered once you've secured a copy of tonight's review, for yourselves, which I suggest you do.


"We were told there would be sheep entrails hors d'oeuvres."
Ed Speelers, who you may recall from Eragorn (2006) and/or A Lonely Place To Die (2011), is an effective lead, while Elliot Cowan, who you've seen in things like DaVinci's Demons (2013-5) and The Frankenstein Chronicles (2015), is a right bastard in an antagonistic role. Shauna Macdonald, on the other hand, you'll recall from The Descent (2005) and The Descent: Part 2 (2009). Though there's nothing here you'd mistake for an original concept or an unseen twist, Howl manages to handle its genre cliche's with creative innovation, providing a less-trodden path to campy thrills for jaded werewolf enthusiasts, and thus, a highly enjoyable ride for any horror hounds that happen to be sniffing around for some new material to watch. It certainly has more going for it than your average ten bean genre time-killer off the shelf at Walmart, to be sure. On the scale, I've got to lay three big ones down, with this one in mind, and send it off with my recommendation, as well.


"First he liked all my FB posts, now he's following me home at night..."

"I.D." (1995) d/ Philip Davis

We'll leave beach towels and wrestling rings behind for the terraces of British football, where turf is staked, war is waged, and lives are sometimes lost in the fanatical melee. Tonight's review, is loosely based on Scotland Yard's attempt to infiltrate the I.C.F., official hooligans for West Ham Utd., though the film's club, Shadwell, is a fictitious nod to Millwall. The incediary lead, Reece Dinsdale, you'll probably remember from the recent Coronation Street series, though you may recall him from his earlier work in Threads (1984). Also along for aggro are Warren Clarke, no stranger to laying a boot in, himself, having portrayed Dim in A Clockwork Orange (1971), Sean Pertwee, in a crazy pair of two-tone jeans, and director Philip "Chalky" Davis of Quadrophenia (1979) fame even has a nice cameo here. Got your tool ready? It's jumpin' off...


"We know this is Rick Astley's tour bus then, send 'im out or we'll tip the bloody thing over!!!"
In 1980's Britain, four police officers are given an undercover mission to blend into Shadwell Town's firm of violent hooligans, affectionately nicknamed the "dogs", after the last group was sniffed out and nearly murdered, to try and i.d. the secret leaders behind the mindless weekend thugs. John (Reece Dinsdale) throws on a burgundy bomber and immerses himself in the role, portraying a functionally illiterate working class yob right down to the pint a'. His bespectacled superior, Trev (Richard Graham), isn't nearly as convincing, even when he's on the piss, running away from rucks, blurting useless Shadwell trivia, or groping the bartender, Lynda (Saskia Reeves), at the Dogs' headquarters, The Rock. Though all four are clearly enjoying their assignment, John's growing affinity for going for the gusto leaves him in hot water with his co-workers and girlfriend, Marie (Claire Skinner) (he drunkenly punches Trevor in the face and roughly screws Marie up against a wall), but he's the dog's bollocks to his new football mates, like the burly bat-wielding Bob (Warren Clarke), Martin (Sean Pertwee), and a dirty, toothless, quivering wretch named Gumbo (Lee Ross) who's barely competent enough to put the lids on pickles since he electrocuted himself.


"Bloody fake-looking tattoos?? Who's having you on, Dim!"
The deeper his obsession with football, he's filmed by police cameras during a bloody ruck and gets the team shield tattooed on his arse, the less he's able to cope with regular day-to-day existence, as his relationship with Marie dissolves when he's too busy listening to footie on the radio to pay attention to her on a beach getaway, and he comes to look at the old bill he's increasingly at odds with at the matches, with the same disdain that his rowdy peers do. He pays a drunken booty call to Lynda, and gives hilarious orgasm-face. Just as he gains the trust of higher ups in the firm, that deal in real crime and drugs beyond football punch ups, the entire operation is dismantled, with The Rock being shut down, and several minor arrests made. John, unable to cope with losing the adrenaline thrill of hooligan life, destroys his apartment, setting his things on fire in the street, destroys his locker at work, tearing the uniform he can no longer stand to see himelf in, and drunkenly confronts Marie's parents, before sitting down to a dirty, bloody bowl of dry corn flakes and cocaine and some smashed telly. After Trev is surprised to see Gumbo in an interrogation room for stealing a jar of pickles(!), he later spots John, heiling and marching with the National Front, with shaved head, Harrington, and scarlet downturned braces. He shoves Trevor away, claiming to be undercover on assignment, but we all know better than that.


"...aaaaaaand ker-splooosh goes the frosting from the squeeze-bag!"
Though Davis hasn't directed all that many features to date, he's acted in everything from Pink Floyd's The Wall (1982) and Howling V: The Rebirth (1989), to Alien 3(1992) and Doctor Who and Tales From the Crypt on television, where's he's been quite busy, indeed. Claire Skinner would turn up in Sleepy Hollow (1999), while Saskia Reeves worked with Lars von Trier on his controversial 2013 release, Nymphomaniac: Vol. I. Warren Clarke was seen most recently on the Chuggington series that ran four seasons, and Sean Pertwee is signed on to face more U.K. full moon-based horrors in Howl, scheduled for release some time next year. When it comes to movies about football hooliganism, some folks prefer Alan Clarke's The Firm (1989), which starred Gary Oldman, but as far as your pal, Wop, is concerned, this is the slightly better movie, more focused on the psychology of the mob mentality, and the allure it holds for people, than the sport itself. Three wops, and a strong recommendation.


"Did any of you lot see Kyle? He's about this tall..."

"Dog Soldiers"(2002)d/Neil Marshall

The best modern werewolf movie since "The Howling"(1980).There,I've said it. Neil Marshall,one of my favorite new directors, packs a solid cast,great dialogue,engaging plotline,action,suspense,gore,and good old fashioned chills into a solid hour and a half here,and the result is edge-of-the-seat entertainment.Definitely one of my top horror films for the decade.

Don't scare Sgt.(Sean Pertwee) Wells'lads.
A couple is camping out in the Scottish countryside.Before the man,a writer,can thank his bird for the sterling silver letter opener she's just given him,something pulls her out of the tent and rends her limb from limb.Then it comes back for him.Elsewhere,Pvt. Cooper(Kevin McKidd) has nearly completed an exercise to get into Special Ops,when he is asked to complete the training by shooting a dog by his superior officer,Capt. Ryan(Liam Cunningham).Cooper cannot bring himself to do it,so Ryan obliges.Cooper has failed.Some time later,we join a British infantry unit,led by Sgt. Harry G. Wells(get it?H.G. Wells?)dropped in the same Scottish forest for a routine wargames exercise.Unknown to Wells and his lads,they are being tracked by Ryan's Special Ops team.But for what?That night in the dark woods,the soldiers tell each other jokes and stories by the fire,interrupted by a mutilated cow which drops from the sky in front of their very eyes.While scouting the next day,Wells' men stumble upon what's left of Ryan's squad,busted equipment,visceral goo on the forest floor,no soldiers.The Captain,slashed across the chest,comes out of hiding,hysterical and close to death,begging for help.The infantry pick up the Special Ops weapons,never fired,and make off into the woods as the sun sets.They are descended upon by strange creatures,howling into the night sky,and it's a race to safety.One of Wells' men is impaled on a tree branch while fleeing the hairy menace,and Wells himself is gutted before Cooper rescues him.

...Not all wolf,nor all man.
As the soldiers elude the beasts,they run into Megan,a zoologist who seems to know exactly what they're up against,and who drives them to the safety of a desolate cabin in the woods where they hole up.With Megan's help,Cooper knocks out the sarge and superglues his midsection back together.Downstairs,the plot thickens.Ryan seems to be healing at an astounding rate,so the soldiers tie him up.Cooper questions him concerning why Special Ops was there in the woods in the first place,but Ryan divulges little.Megan tells the men they're up against werewolves that she has been studying.Every so often,the welewolves outside make a play to get into the cabin,taking another one of the soldiers each time they attack.The men realize they are trapped inside the werewolves' home,as it is the only house for miles.It becomes known that Ryan is familiar with Megan,and that his squad was present to capture what they thought was a single werewolf,and not an entire pack.Wells and his men were supposed to be the bait.As Cooper beats on Ryan for his treachery,the Captain becomes a werewolf himself,escaping out a window.

A soldier should have dry glassies,Cooper(Kevin McKidd),ya big girl's blouse!
Once Wells regains consciousness,he and his remaining soldiers attempt a last-ditch effort to escape,but when the werewolves seem aware of their plans before they act,it becomes known that Megan is one of them.They shoot her in the head as she transforms,but not before the cabin is crawling with werewolves.Wells,knowing he will also become a werewolf,sends Cooper to the safety of the basement before blowing the entire cabin up with an exposed gas line and lighter,killing all the beasts and himself with them.In the basement,Cooper realizes he is not alone.Ryan,the werewolf,has been hiding there,and the man and monster fight it out amidst the junk the pack has collected from its victims over the years,including a sterling silver letter opener...

Come and have a go if you think yer 'ard enough!

I hope I give yer the shits,you creep!
When it seemed the European horror throne was empty after the Italians vacated it in the early nineties,the Brits have been at the forefront of the challenge for the title since,producing solid horror fare for a number of years now(28 Days Later,The Descent,Wilderness,Sean of the Dead,etc.).If you don't thoroughly enjoy this film,you owe it to yourself to get cat scanned,as there mustn't be many firing neurons left in your loaf.And that's totally bone.Knackered,naft.Not...good...at all.

Neil Marshall rules,O.K.?