"Bluebeard" (1972) d/ Edward Dmytryk, Luciano Sacripanti

 Sometimes, when an actor has truly "made it", as legendary British star Richard Burton certainly had by 1972, having snagged five Oscar nominations for 'Best Actor', and one for 'Best Supporting Actor' by 1970, he gets the opportunity to perform in as grandiose a chunk of seventies Eurosleaze as tonight's review, while surrounded by no less than eight of the most beautiful women in the world at the time. You've got Marilu Tolo, who'd appeared in Mio caro assassino(1972), Virna Lisi, who'd go on to appear in Lucio Fulci's Zanna bianca (1973), Karin Schubert, who'd turned up in Enzo Castellari's Gli occhi freddi della paura (1971),  Agostina Belli, who also show up in Giorgio Ferroni's La notte dei diavoli (1972),  and topping it all  off (for me, anyway) there's Nathalie Delon, Raquel Welch, Sybill Danning, and Joey Heatherton. For proper perspective,also try to remember that Dicky was going home to Elizabeth Taylor when shooting wrapped. Poor devil...


"This chaise makes my ass sore. Do you mind if I lay on my Belli?", asks Agostina.
Kurt Von Sepper (Richard Burton) is an Austrian WWI pilot, big game hunter, and member of the aristocracy, his bluish beard, well admired by all his nationalist chums, while his overactive appetite for a wide variety of strikingly beautiful women leads to each lovely's respective demise at his judgmentally murderous hands, in Bava-esque, giallo-licious ways.At least until the American pixie, Anna (Joey Heatherton), with true love in her eyes, comes along. She gives her new husband a pass after stumbling upon an old cleaning woman brushing the hair of the corpse of his dead, mummified mother. Stumbling into a secret freezer full of dead wives, on the other hand, she finds much harder to forgive. Von Sepper regretfully informs his enthusiastic spouse that she's joining the gruesome display and going on permanent bye-bye's before the sun rises, but she cunningly buys herself time by hearing extensive confessions to all of her husband's previous crimes first.


I'd say five Hail Marys, two Our Fathers, and an Act of Contrition for a swig o' the wine outta Magdalena's (Raquel Welch) tabernacle.
Through flashbacks, Greta (Karin Schubert) gets "accidentally" shot on a hunt after threatening to reveal the true extent of a war wound he'd received, then Elga (Virna Lisi) gets rubbed out by guillotine over her incessant warbling,  while Erika (Nathalie Delon) is a virginal model whose bedroom inexperience forces Kurt to hire a prostitute (Sybill Danning) to school her in the art of lovemaking. When the girls get too sleepover-y for his proper taste, it's the rhino horn chandelier for both of them. Magdalena (Raquel Welch) is a nymphomaniac-turned-nun whose constant flow of graphic carnal confessions earn her an asphyxiation in a nearby casket. Brigitte (Marilu Tolo) is a gun-shootin', hangbag puntin', bundle of feminism whose mile wide masochistic streak leaves Kurt no choice but to extinguish her. Then there's the brattish Caroline (Agostina Belli) who also doesn't make it to the final reel. A guy who couldn't hit it off with any of this crumpet'd have to be impotent...like Kurt is, surprise, surprise. What ensues, I'll leave you to experience for yourselves.


"I understand the 'milk,milk' paht, dahling, it's when you go 'round the corner that confuses meh."
For the perverted section of Woprophiles out there (hopefully every last one of you!), all of Burton's co-stars put their fleshy wares on full display here, save for Raquel Welch, who looks just as fine in a nun's habit as she does in a bathing suit, any old damned way. The soundtrack, by maestro Ennio Morricone, is top shelf, as always, full of allusion and character. While we're on the subject of moods and maestros, the film's atmosphere is notably thick with the brightly colored influence of  Mario Bava, the artificial bodies lending an air of dark humor about the production, as well. Bluebeard isn't perfect, but there's more than enough beauty in front of the lens, and behind it, as well, to make this a highly enjoyable screening, and a three Wop score sounds reasonably fitting. Equally artsy and exploitative, see it.


"What, no Francoise Pascal or Christina Lindberg?!!?", begs the Baron (Burton). 

"The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried"(1971)d/Adrian Hoven

Softcore porn is a lot like a dry hump.If you're twelve or thirteen years old and you shoot shorts-syrup while grinding through your jeans on some unfortunate young sex object,it's a historic evening.Once you've experienced that first slide into the orgasm chasm though,dry humping becomes pointless kid stuff.I first saw the German sex comedy we're focusing on tonight back in the cable box days of the late seventies,so I wasn't exactly jaded by softcore fare just yet.Sybille Danninger,who would later become Sybil Danning,80's exploitation queen and catalyst for teen boners worldwide,saves what otherwise would be another penetration-free day at the orifice.Before her acting ambition led her out of the sexploitation roles she was scoring herself early on,her breathtaking beauty,remarkable figure(36-24-36),and ease with nude scenes made her one of the most striking subjects to ever appear in front of a camera lens.If the corny English overdub later added by sexploitation god David Friedman and company grates on your last nerves,and it probably will,just take solace in knowing Sybil will be appearing shortly,and chances are,she won't have any clothes on whatsoever.Splendid!

Siegfried(Raimund Harmstorf)namnams some beautiful bobblers.
I'm sure you're all well-versed in the Nordic/German national epic saga of the Nibelungs by now,right?The movie version tells the amorous adventures of the young Prince Siegfried (popular German actor Raimund Harmstorf,who passed away in 1998) who, between duels and ambushes, will conquer the heart of beautiful Kriemhild (Danning).But,in order to win the fleshy favors of curvaceous Kriemhild, Siegfried must use his incredible erectile endurance to help King Gunther win the hand of Brunhild.Simple enough?Replace the terrible dragon in the beginning of the story with a buxom cast of supporting Teutonic nymphs,and omit the end where Kriemhild seeks vengeance for Siegfried's death,throw in a Sancho Panza-esque sidekick,some tongue-in-cheek character names like "Macy" and "Gimbel,some psychedelic guitar score,orgies a-plenty,a few half-hearted fight choreographies("All this action...and these guys wanna FIGHT?"),a light sapphic tryst,some period costumes with the titties cut out,and Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" and that's "Siegfried und das sagenhafte Liebesleben der Nibelungen" in a nutshell.

Mein gott! Kriemhild(Sybille Danninger/Sybil Danning),very nude and very choice,as usual.
Of course now I'm gonna drone at great lengths on about Ms. Danning here.From the instant the viewer is introduced to her Kriemhild character,as she is bathed by her beautiful young servant girls,and the camera lovingly pans her wonderful wares,we're in for a rare treat.Whether she's completely nude or in full costume,she is breathtaking beyond words.I know I've made public my preference for brunettes time and again,but one exception HAS to be Sybil Danning,dammit.If she has a single flaw anywhere,I haven't found it,and trust me,my eyes have covered every cinematic inch of her for decades!She might possibly be at her very loveliest here,so endurance of the other tedious set-fodder is not only recommended but necessary to get to the pay off.She is the breathing,living embodiment of female sexuality in this entry,so make sure you have a towel handy beforehand to clear the steam coming off of your television screen or computer monitor when she's center stage.And maybe an extra towel for...well,I'll take the high road here!

With special effects like this,there'd better be plenty of sex going on to make up for it.
Director Hoven,once a German sweetheart due to roles he played in kitschfilms of the fifties and sixties,made the jump to softcore sex comedies in the seventies to drastically change his image for the sleazier.For more Sybil(could there ever be enough?),check out Bluebeard(1972),The Three Musketeers(1973),gialli like L'Occhio nel Labirinto(1972) and Dama Rossa uccide Sette Volte/The Red Queen Kills Seven Times(1972),Chained Heat(1983),Howling II(1985),and a myriad of others.Most recently she's appeared in Grindhouse(2007) in the Werewolf Women of the SS trailer(of course),and in...ecccch..Rob Zombie's pisstake on Halloween.But who could hold anything against that gorgeous face!Muah!Ich liebe dich,Sybil.Siegfried scores(pretty much on Danning alone):

Fellatio the way it oughta be, with the emphasis on slapstick comedy.