"Star Virgin" (1979) d/ Howard Ziehm

This one goes out to those fanatical neck bearded spazoids camped out in front of the local theater for upwards of two weeks or more in anticipation of the latest big budgeted space soap opera from Disney. Never let it be said that Wopsploitation isn't inclusive. I'd have to go back to the video cassette hunting days of the  early eighties for my first memories of this vintage piece of sci-fi pornography, immediately recognizing the luscious blonde Kari Klark from the pages of Hustler on the Betamax box art in the "Adult Room" at the legendary Video World outlet at Kingston Corners. I wasn't nearly old enough to rent it myself yet (I probably shouldn't have had a towering stack of back issues of Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler yet, either, but that never stopped me), so I tossed the box to my old man, a porn hound himself from way back, who obliged my adolescent curiosity. Jealous, you now are, as that ridiculous space muppet might say.


Because...production values.
An inquisitive "space virgin" (Kari Klark) aboard a space ship (or a room inadequately decorated to look like one, complete with obligatory fog machine, if you're less imaginative about these things) discovers the concept of sex from a silver lame' garbage can robot named Mentor ( voiced by Kevin Thompson), through a series of porn vignettes of increasing intensity from that curious planet called Earth. For instance,  there's the innocent Adam (Bud Wise) and Eve (Tracy Walton), tempted by a Snake (J.C. Walton) into some sloppy, gross food sex all over an antique convertible. You've also got star quarterback, Roger Starstruck (Mike Ranger), who goes down with an injury, only to be...nursed back to health, ahem, by his adoring cheerleaders, who cover the unconscious gridiron hero with oil and rape him while he lies unconscious on a locker room bench. Win one for the stripper, buddy.

     
"Get Kissinger on the horn, he can ham slam her in the mouth!", exclaims Igor (Tricky Dicky).
We've also got Count Dracula (Johnny Harden, ha ha.) and his trusty servant-in-a-Richard-Nixon mask, Igor (Tricky Dicky), terrorizing a helpless young blonde in a gothic black and white setting, complete with title cards a la silent films, and by "terrorizing", I of course mean a hot n' heavy menage a trois. Meanwhile, Space Virgin becomes increasingly more hot and bothered by Mentor's illustrations, stripping off her space suit which was barely there to begin with, and furiously masturbating on what looks like bubble wrap. Finally, the robot gifts her a plastic lightsaber from the five and dime, which she naturally inserts into her heavily oiled axe wound, frigging herself until her pussy erupts in orgasmic white froth, as promised by the cosmic one-sheet poster. Battlestar Galactica was never like this.


Eve (Tracy Walton) reaches for a pear, but'll soon be handling a peach.
Director Howard Ziehm, who worked here under the pseudonym Linus Gator,  helmed classic fuck flicks like Flesh Gordon (1974), Honey Pie (1976), Hot Cookies (1977), and even 1990's Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders. Unfortunately, it would seem that Kari Klark, who's the sole reason anybody would ever sit through a mess like this, never appeared in anything else. Her IMDb states that she "is an actress", even though her delivery of dialog in tonight's entry might suggest otherwise. Tracy Walton made several uncredited appearances in things like Teenage Desire (1978), Weekend Lovers (1978), and Sex Mood Ring (1979). Chris Anderson (Jeanette Harlow here) also shows up in 1979's 800 Fantasy Lane and F (1980). Mike Ranger's career in porn spans early seventies loops all the way to feature films in the eighties, from Fantasm Comes Again (1977) and Dracula Sucks (1978) to Rockin' With Seka (1980) and Bad Girls (1981). On the scale, Virgin merits a mere single Wop as one would expect from a low budget porno flick, but Klark is worth a bottle of lotion and an entire box of Kleenex. May the force be with you.


Eat your heart out, "Slave Leia".

"Deep Throat"(1972)d/Gerard Damiano

Tonight we're putting the X back into X-mas here at the Wop,by covering the granddaddy of vintage porn flicks,a glorified feature-length departure from the standard "loop" of the day,produced by made members of the Columbo crime family for roughly twenty-five grand in Miami and New York over six days in January of 1972.Actual box-office returns on the controversial ground breaker may never be known for sure,though the film has easily earned over a hundred million worldwide,and possibly,much more than that,as its Mafia-controlled release ushered in a brief upper middle class flirtation with pornography in the mid-seventies.Its "star",Linda Lovelace,wrote four(!) different biographies,claiming her appearance in the film liberated her as a woman in the earlier books,then crying rape in the latter two,claiming she was forced to perform several of the explicit sex acts within the movie with her abusive psycho husband Chuck Traynor holding loaded guns to her head.I wouldn't rule it out of the realm of possibility,as Lovelace displays some pretty obvious bruising on her body throughout the film,which was deemed obscene in New York,of all places.The moustachioed Harry Reems was convicted and later acquitted of obscenity charges due to his contributions to Throat,which was banned in certain areas,and played daily for sixteen years straight at one theater in Portland,Oregon,of all places.
Whether you see the late Lovelace,who died in 2002 from injuries after crashing her car into a cement post,as a victim or an opportunist,the most famous porn star of them all is the only thing worth looking at in this entry,by a long shot.Everyone else in the movie is frighteningly hideous enough to make the average porn enthusiast swear off the stuff forever,ferchrissakes.From a technical standpoint,the movie sucks,pardon the pun,with shadows and reflections of cameramen completely visible in shots,flubbed lines and porno cliche' jokes,and a supporting cast ugly enough to make people in Kansas City jealous.Linda,on the other hand,is a veritable porn pioneer;shaving her pussy,doing onscreen anal,and her titular fellatial skills at a time when none of these things were commonplace in adult movies.She,alone,is worth the price of admission.

"So when will your son Joe be coming home,Mrs. Dirt?"
The inventively named "Linda"(Lovelace playing "herself")is experiencing sexual frustration,during an era of sexual freedom and female empowerment,that reaches truly epic proportions.She confides her boudoir dilemma to her homely friend,Helen(Dolly Sharp),asking her how to harness that most elusive animal,the female orgasm(back when there was only one type.Let's all have a hearty belly-laugh at the dated material.Wuh-Hah hah haaaaah.).Her unattractive skeezoid galpal does what any good friend would do in such a situation,and schedules a good old fashioned fuckfest,but after some spirited ham-slamming and yap-ramming...and cigarette smoking(sex and cigs have an eternal bond that your humble N would never ever try to break),Linda is still at square one,bereaft of the quim earthquake your collective mothers are forever scratching at my bedroom window for.Helen then suggests a visit to Dr. Young(Harry Reems),who,upon examination of the young woman,surmises that her problem lies in a rare birth defect,indeed.Linda's clitoris is not underneath a skin hood atop her vaginal orifice,but down the back of her throat instead.She lashes out at the doctor."What if your balls were in your ear?",to which he replies,"Well,I suppose I'd hear myself coming."Wocka wocka.Who wrote this dialogue anyway,Fozzie Bear?

That fingertip is one of the smaller things Linda stuffs in her yap here.
Dr.Young,in between constantly putting the blocks to his nurse(Carol Connors), estimates that it'll take a custard cannon no less than nine inches in length to reach her female joy buzzer,and wouldn't you know it,he just happens to be packing that sort of weaponry in his own pants.With Young's tutelage,she hones her fellatio skills to a razor edge on the doctor's mustard missile and finally has that orgasm that she's been looking for,complete with bells,whistles,and possibly the single worst title song in movie history.Deeep throat,don't row the boat,don't get your goat,that's all she wrote(great lyrics)as vocalized by a bobcat with his nuts slammed in a beartrap.Riz Ortolani obviously didn't work on the soundtrack.Linda,freed from the binds of her sexual prison,offers to marry the doctor,who instead hires her as a physio-therapist(translation:whore to suck and fuck all his male patients),documenting her carnal progress along the way.A whole lotta fucking follows before the end titles promise,"The End,and Deep Throat to you all" at the sixty-one minute mark.Move over,Spartacus.

As sexy as smoking is,it can't negate that bouffant hairdon't.Or that curtain.
Lovelace,who fucked and sucked a dog on camera a year earlier in the aptly titled loop,Dog Fucker(1971)and later taught Sammy Davis,Jr.(!) how to deep throat her husband(!!) at a drunken Playboy mansion party(both of these factoids are so skeevy,I'm getting itchy just typing them),went on to star in the softcore sequel,Deep Throat II(1974),and the exploitative Linda Lovelace for President(1976),before completely falling under the cinematic radar for keeps.The late mob-tied director had a long career in porn,with such upscale titles as The Devil in Miss Jones,The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue,Maximum Head,and Splendor in the Ass under his belt before he passed away two years ago.Reems,who was championed by celebs like Jack Nicholson and Warren Beatty,apart from his legendary porn career,also provided the hardcore inserts in 1970's Bacchanale,was an extra in Klute,starred in 1973's 42nd Street staple,Forced Entry,and shared the spotlight with Chesty Morgan in 1974's Deadly Weapons.Carol Connors,who also enjoyed a lengthy career in fuck flicks such as Erotic Adventures of Candy and Candy Goes to Hollywood,was also an extra on an episode of CHiPS and in 1982's The Concrete Jungle which starred Tracey Bregman and Camille Keaton.Throat really isn't much to look at these days,but for its historical importance and lead "actress" colorful career,it merits two wops on the ratings scale.

There's more short n' curlies under the trademark Wop than a barbershop floor in East Orange,New Jersey.

Behind the Green Door(1972) d/ Artie Mitchell

Porn is like wine,the older the vintage, the better it is.But for a lot of folks, porn is also like having a retarded uncle in diapers,you like your uncle,but you don't talk about him if you don't have to.To each his own.I personally enjoy a good porno from time to time,and the line between arthouse indie flicks and good old fashioned fucksuckathons,though blurred by perverts like glass eyed Jess Franco and his out-of-focus zooms in the '70s,have been all but obliterated by current fare like "The Brown Bunny","Ken Park",and "Battle in Heaven",all of which make no qualms about displaying explicit sex acts onscreen.In the heyday of mainstream stroke flicks,this entry was top tier,boasting of the first XXX appearance of Ivory Snow girl,Marilyn Chambers,and after the high powered sexual kinks and hijinks she breezed through here,there wasn't a soap powder in the world that could clean this girl's reputation.As Audrey Rose used to say...Hothothothothothot!

The Ivory Snow girl tackles different kinds of stains in her porno debut.
The film commences with two men entering a fast food place. The owner asks them about a mysterious matter. With considerable reservation, one of the two guys agrees to relate the sordid tale.Cue flashback:the two men,truck drivers by trade,are in a terrace next to a lake,telling each other stories, as an attractive blonde named Gloria(Marilyn Chambers) sits at a table nearby.Later the same woman is abducted.The truckers attend an exclusive sex club that night,only to be stunned by the evening's entertainment. When the blindfold is removed from Gloria, a woman welcomes her. After a relaxing massage, she is accompanied by 6 women dressed as nuns,onto a stage,in front of masked men and women of all shapes,sizes,and degrees of hairy. An emcee explains to the potpourri of perverts in attendance that the woman will be shown every pleasure imaginable.

Porn isn't scary?Imagine coming home and seeing THIS witchdoctor on top of your old lady.
The 6 women first show the girl the pleasures of sapphic sex,prepping her for penile pentration by pro boxer Johnny Keyes,made up like some makeshift tribal witchdoctor(his toothy necklace would later become one of his porn trademarks).After a rollercoaster marathon of interracial intercourse,she takes to her knees to orally service a trio of trapeze chappies.While the audience voyeuristically view the raunchy debacle,they become aroused to the point that the entires affair progresses into a high gear free-for-all orgy.There's a whole lotta fuckin' n' suckin' going on,and not much of it very pretty. The owner of the fast food place asks what happened afterwards, but the men wisely plead the fifth.

The greatest triple trapeze suck n' jerk ever filmed.
Raking in fifty Million boxoffice bucks on a five thousand dollar investment catapulted the little porno that could into all-time cult status,no small feat in the early days.Helping cement the film's success was participation by pro athletes like footballer Ben Davidson(in a non-sex role)and the aforementioned boxer Keyes.Fifteen crucial minutes of footage never made it out of the developing lab,and some twenty or so years later,Jim Mitchell murdered his brother/director Art with a gun.Chambers,19 years old in this performance, perpetualized her porn path well into the 1990's.Any entrepreneurial young ladies who'd fancy kidnapping me and forcing me to knock their collective bottoms out in front of an audience,I give you this:What the hell's stopping you.I'd imagine it shocked theatergoers back in 1972,and still packs enough cinematic carnality to titilate today.I give it a very reasonable wopsploitation score of:

Make no mistakes about it,this is one GROOVY cumshot.