"La casa fantasma" (1988) d/ Umberto Lenzi

Humphrey Humbert's at it again, this time using the same Massachusetts funeral home location that Lucio Fulci utilized seven years earlier with his own Quella villa accanto al cimitero aka/ House by the Cemetery (1981). Just to clarify, by Humphrey Humbert, we mean Hank Milestone / Humphrey Longan / Humphrey Milestone / Harry Kirkpatrick / Bob Collins himself. Umberto Lenzi has got more aliases than the Manson women, eh? When he wasn't condemning innocent animals to violent, on camera, snuff-death in his wildly controversial cannibal movies, Lenzi often took on projects like tonight's review, a mess as unlikely as it is incoherent. Let's have a look...


"I'll remove your vocal chords for food, " offers Dr. Butcher (Donald O'Brien).
While young Henrietta (Kristen Fougerousse) is on dark, creepy cellar-timeout for scissoring the family feline, her father takes a mystery scalp axing and mother gets knife necked upstairs, and Henrietta's disturbing, nursery rhyme whispering Jester doll may or may not have had a hand in it. Fast forward twenty years, where Martha's (Lara Wendell) data programming, ham radio enthusiast boyfriend, Paul (Greg Scott), receives a spooky transmission complete with nursery rhymes, cries for help, and screams. Naturally, this translates into the couple driving out to the source of the broadcast (with Martha getting five beans ganked by a black ghost-ophile hitchhiker along the way, I might add), where another ham radio user (I don't remember this being a terribly popular phenomenon in the late eighties, maybe I'm just ignorant?) has pitched camp at the brightly lit spook-house with his brother, sister, and brother's girlfriend in tow, against the warnings of grizzled psycho caretaker, Valkos (Donald O'Brien). Valkos doesn't 'warn', so much as physically attack the unwanted guests with a butcher cleaver, but who's keeping score at this point?


Throat lozenges and Visine probably won't rectify this situation.
Sure enough, Paul's kooky tape recording happen to be the voices of fellow citizen's band champion, Jim, and his young sister, who kinda looks like teenaged Jim Carrey in drag while under duress when the family camper springs to life, knocking her ass over tit. Wouldn't you know it,  Henrietta's ghost makes the scene, and that's when unplugged metal ceiling fan blades are mostly likely to cut a body's throat, along with your obligatory hammer kills, body bifurcations, pitchfork impalings, disappearing Dobermans, expanding, exploding glass shards all about the place, water taps pouring blood, echo chamber laughter, and even the Grim Reaper makes a cameo before the end credits. There's also the matter of that otherworldly Jester doll, and his nursery rhyme, inaudible to untrained ears, but to a professional drum such as mine, the song's whispered message is pretty clear: Watch something else...watch something else.


The Grim Reaper got a hunnert problems, but cuttin' a mothafucka ain't one of 'em.
Lenzi followed this one up with three efforts, House of Witchcraft (made-for-tv), Le porte dell'inferno aka/ Hell's Gate, and Paura nel buio aka/ Hitcher in the Dark, the following year. Wendel has appeared in genre fare such as Mio caro assassino (1972), Il profumo della signora in nero (1974), Un'ombra nell'ombra (1979), and even Tenebre (1982). Scott also showed up in Fatal Attraction (1987) and Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987). It should also be noted that no less than the late, great Aristide Massaccesi,  Joe D'Amato himself, was an uncredited producer on this one. Wrapping it up, shitty acting, a mundane script, and mostly over lit, under dressed frames not to mention Lenzi's production line attitude towards this sort of thing by this time,  force me to lay the single woppo upon it. He'd done worse, but also a lot better in and out of the genre, over the years.


"Get your mock scepter outta my frenulum of labia minora!"

"Insidious"(2010)d/James Wan

I can't remember the last time there was as much positive net buzz about a movie's release in recent times, not that I read or buy into such propaganda very often(as it's usually totally wrong), but I felt like anything from the man behind the Saw franchise, especially such an ambitious project, as penned by Leigh Whannel, was worthy of a look from everybody's favorite narcissistic review blogger...well, definitely your mother's.The first half of tonight's review is a nearly flawless slice of haunted hijinks, chock full of apex jump scares and creepy atmosphere.It's in the second half of the movie where the plot gets bogged down in reality and logic with paranormal investigators and a demon that looks more than a little like Darth Maul's menacingly harmless half-brother.After seeing something like sixty-five hundred sweaty, grossly overweight Star Wars dorks garbed up like him, shambling to the nearest unoccupied corner of several Halloween parties with chubby hands full of candy corn and Snickers mini's at the start of the new millenium, not even Qui-Gon Jinn'd be frightened by that.Overall, it's still a better-than-average horror movie that manages to serve the viewer up some solid old school tension-packed scares despite running out of gas long before the closing credits roll.Wan does prove adept at freaking out an audience without intricate gore effects here, which isn't a simple task by any means, though, so let's give him credit for that.There just might be an excellent horror movie in the guy yet.He doesn't deserve the comparisons with M.Night Shyamalan's entirely scareless, largely worthless crap(If Rod Serling's Twilight Zone sucked, it'd be a lot like Shyamalan's movies)that he drew with this movie, I know that much.Let's get on with it, huh.

Blow that thing out, Grandma.You look better in the dark...
Renai and Josh Lambert(Rose Byrne, Patrick Wilson) have just finished moving into some hype new digs with their three kids, one of which, Dalton(Ty Simpkins), is afraid of his new bedroom.Dalton hears noises in the attic, and upon investigation, viddies something particularly nasty up there, and abruptly plummets off of a wooden attic ladder-step as it breaks.The next day when his father tries to wake him, he finds him comatose in bed.There's easier ways to skip off school, really.Specialists can't explain why the boy is unresponsive, and three months later, with their son occupying a hospital bed at home, Renai is frequently schitzed out by extrasensory occurences in their abode and her other consternated children claiming to see their slumberous brother flitting around the place at night.This naturally leads the family to pick up and move to another residence.Things don't get any better.Josh's mother(Barbara Hershey...that explains it all, doesn't it?) seeks help from a paranormal investigator named Elise(Lin Shaye), who, while self-hypnotized,
describes a demonic presence in the home to one of her two ghost-hunting colleagues, who sketches the netherworld-dwelling beastie for the concerned parents, who are naturally skeptical of the woman's clairvoyant skills and tales of their boy's ability to astrally project himself out of his own body into a spirit world that she likes to call "The Further"(coincidentally, the original title of the movie), only he's projected himself too far this time and can't return to his body, trapped in a shadow world of unkind entities.

So long as that demon is standing in front of my deck, I'm gonna give practicing kickflips and ollies a rest for awhile.
Josh buys exactly zero of this, until he stumbles upon some drawings Dalton had drawn up pre-coma that resemble Elise's "Man with fire in his face"("Man who's just different enough from Darth Maul to avoid a hearty copyright infringement lawsuit from George Lucas" describes him better, I think).At this point, Josh's mom and her squirrelly buddy relate his own ability to astrally project as a child to them, and tell of the horrible candle-bearing old bag that had every intention of possessing him back then, as evidenced by her appearance in his childhood pictures; a bit nearer to him in each successive one, and the reason his mother stopped taking pictures of him altogether.Elise explains that Josh must use his special power to travel over into the Further and locate his son, who is being held prisoner there by the red-faced Sith L...uhh, demon, who also intends to possess the boy's physical body.He reluctantly agrees, and with Elise as a guide, is able to find his boy's soul, chained to a wall, amidst many unpleasant spirits and the aforementioned claret-hued bastard that's kept him there.There's a race to reach their physical bodies before they're captured by the otherworldly beings, but they seem to make it back alright, after Josh bravely confronts the evil old lady from his past and shouts her down.Later, while Dalton is eating in the kitchen with his mother and granny, Elise picks up a strange vibe from Josh while she and her associates are packing up.She picks up a camera and snaps a photo of him, which sends him into a murderous frenzy as he strangles her to death.Renai hears the commotion and runs in, calling to her husband with no response.She finds Elise's lifeless body and the camera on the floor, the last picture taken still present on the screen, only it isn't Josh in the photo, but the horrible old lady.She gasps as a hand grabs her by the shoulder.Fade to black...

"Suddenly, it feels like the red-bladed saberstaff of a Dathomiri Zabrak Sith Lord is poking me in my shorts.", thought Nite Owl.
Patrick Wilson, who's usually turning up in overblown duds like Schumacher's Phantom of the Opera(2004) and Watchmen(2009), has scored a genre credit in 2005's Hard Candy.Australian Rose Byrne has fared slightly better, genre-wise, earning credits in Danny Boyle's Sunshine(I liked it a lot, I just won't review it.There's enough Sci-Fi on the interwebz, don'tcha think?) and 28 Weeks Later in 2007.Lin Shaye, on the other hand, has a veritable cornucopia of genre credits to her name, appearing in everything from the original Nightmare on Elm Street, Andrew Dice Clay's underrated Brain Smasher...A Love Story(1993), and Jeckyll and Hyde Together Again, to 2003's Dead End and Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror(2006).Sorry about that last one, Lin.Let's not forget the always sexy bungalow-born Barbara Hershey who's appeared in everything from Last Temptation of Christ and Boxcar Bertha to Falling Down(1993) and Black Swan(2010), when she wasn't getting felt up by ghosts in The Entity(1981).Besides Saw(2004), Wan has also helmed Dead Silence and Death Sentence, both in 2007.I'm slapping three big ones on Insidious, but for a movie with such high hopes and truly excellent beginnings, the solid rating has got to be looked at with a certain degree of disappointment.Still, you're gonna wanna see it for yourselves, as it's mostly very good.

"ZOMGses! He totally videoed me singing into his pink microphone!!!"

"The Fog"(1980)d/John Carpenter

I wanna thank all the faithful readers out there for making this current month the most popular in the three years since the inception of "Wopsploitation",my ugly little bastard child seems to be catching on big time.You guys and gals are truly as tits as a Russ Meyer movie.And sexier,at that.I promise you,I've got no shortage of titles to give the once over,and I've also been thinking about bringing in a guest reviewer or two on occasion,just to add a little spice to the mix.We're gonna look at some real classics this week,and a forgotten gem or three while we're at it.So,pack one up,sit back,and get yourself a piece of the Wop.
In the late seventies and early to mid eighties,John Carpenter could do no wrong.He had an impressive streak of classic films,running from "Assault on Precinct 13" to about "Prince of Darkness" or so,the endpoint of his brilliance is arguable.Today's entry,often referred to as a "minor classic", is one of my favorite Carpenter films of all,and a stellar example of the director at his very best.Shot anamorphically to hide the low-end budget,the film boasts of an excellent cast of characters,sparse but effective makeup work by Rob Bottin(who plays pissed-off leper-ghost,Captain Blake in the film),and yet another memorably creepy Carpenter soundtrack.Though about a third of the film stands as reshoots and new scenes,as the director hated the first cut,the finished product is a surprisingly effective ghost story.I remember the way the audience freaked the fuck out in the theater during the trick ending,and thinking to myself,"Goddamn!That was cool!",and saying it repeatedly after shelling out 92 samoleans for the Magnetic Video VHS release afterwards.Looking back,it's painful what a guy had to pay for quality horror entertainment back in the early eighties...

John Houseman earns money the old fashioned way...in CAMEOS.
The night before Antonio Bay's centennial celebration,old Mr. Machen(Houseman)tells the local boys the lurid history of the town over a crackling campfire.At the same time,Father Malone(Hal Holbrook)has discovered the town's shameful secret hidden away in his church's walls,in the form of a huge gold cross,and the revealing diary of his grandfather.Do priests write diaries a lot?If so I'd imagine most of 'em would be pretty lurid and shameful...It seems a hundred years earlier,Malone's grandfather and five other conspiritors shit in the collective mouths of a leper colony led by the captain of a clipper ship called the Elizabeth Dane,named Blake who was looking to establish a settlement nearby.The six men lit a campfire on the rocky coast to simulate a lighthouse's beacon,and during a foggy evening,sent the ship full of lepers to an icy premature death.The town was then settled using the stolen gold and the incident hiden away from the light.That night,three fishermen are engulfed by an unearthly,glowing fog on the ocean,and when the men on deck see a ghostly clipper pull alongside their own boat,they are dispatched by shadowy killers.Meanwhile,Nick Castle(Atkins) picks up a hitchiker named Elizabeth(Curtis),and the two manage to get a horizontal bop in amidst the town coming unglued from midnight 'til one in the morning.Back at the church,Malone drunkenly tries to convince Kathy and her assistant(Leigh,Nancy Loomis)to cancel the celebration,telling them of the bloodshed Antonio Bay was founded on.At the old lighthouse where deejay Stevie Wayne(Barbeau) broadcasts her sleepy jazz show from,things are getting weirder.A piece of driftwood her son brings her begins to drip water before catching fire,and changing from reading DANE to 6 MUST DIE.And you thought jazz was boring.

Stevie Wayne(Adrienne Barbeau)can deejay into my microphone all night long,baby.
The next day Nick and Elizabeth charter a boat to search for his three missing fishing buddies,stumbling across an unresponsive boat housing the eyeless cadaver of one of the men,who at the morgue,momentarily springs to life,grabs a scalpel and carves a number 3 in the floor tiles.That night as the centennial begins,Stevie hears the death of her weatherman,as he investigates outside his post and is overtaken by hooks that dig into him out of the glowing fog.She frantically calls the babysitter,who is enveloped by the fog,and dispatched by the leper-ghosts.Just as they're about to add Wayne's son to their bodycount,Nick and Elizabeth rescue the boy in his pickup,and speed away from the swirling bank of death.The pillowchested deejay warns her listeners to stay out of the fog,leading Kathy and assistant,Nick,Elizabeth,and young Danny to the safety of the church,just as the unearthly fog creeps down upon the lighthouse where she's broadcasting.The group fends off the ghostly attack at the church,while the deejay corners herself on the lighthouse roof,battling back the vengeful lepers with their own crusty weapons.Malone brings the hulking gold cross out to Captain Blake,and offers himself as the final conspiritor,but the crew and the fog disappear in thin air with their stolen treasure returned.Wayne,still in one piece,warns her listeners to watch out for the fog,which reappears,sliding back under the church doors,and surrounds the priest who is abruptly beheaded by the leper captain.

"Roll the window up and hit the gas,he's just gonna squeegee the windshield and ask for change!"
Many of the character names are movie and book-related inside jokes(Nick Castle,Dr. Phibes,Dan O'Bannon,Mr. Machen)you'll be able to notice as the credits roll.Carpenter drew his inspiration for this project from a British horror film from the 50's that dealt with monsters that hid in cloud-cover.His next film would be the excellent "Escape From New York" a year later,which we'll look at at a later date.His marriage to the the lovely Barbeau came to an end in 1984,his credibility stuck around quite a bit longer,at least until he helmed the god-awful Ghosts of Mars in 2001.Still one of my favorite directors of all-time,without question.Coincidentally,tonight's entry stands at the sixth highest box office gross of all his films,which probably explains why they'd rape his cult classic with an unneccessary and overwhelmingly panned remake in 2005.Ironically,his own remake of The Thing(1982) is probably the greatest ever made.The Fog breaks through the stained glass with an ectoplasmic fist holding three wops under the cover of vengeful mist on the ratings scale...

Insert obligatory vengeful leperous apparition with glowing eyes and an itchy scabbard finger joke here.