"Српски филм" aka/ "A Serbian Film"(2010)d/Srdjan Spasojevic

What's the worst possible thing you can imagine having to bear witness to?Take a minute and think about that one.Got it clear in your head yet?Doesn't matter,really,'cuz you'll see it,and things that probably trump it,transpire before your very eyes when you sit down to the controversially despicable,"A Serbian Film",which takes the recent genre phenomena of "torture porn" and effectively ENDS it,once and for all.Franchises like Hostel and Saw play like "Ernest Goes To..." movies compared to this depraved mound of freshly-squeezed Eastern Bloc filth.Even the late Italian pervert-king Pasolini has been punked the fuck out.You'll need to send your fucking soul out to the dry cleaners if you dare viddy this one.Trust me,I'm not daring you to watch the infernal thing.I like all of you too much,and wouldn't want the repercussions hanging over my head...
Chances are,if you've read anything on the net about tonight's entry,you've encountered something like the above paragraph,less stylishly written in most cases(!),leaving you to mull over one of two gut feelings,I'd surmise:A)I have to see this! or B)I'll never sit through this in my entire life,no matter what you offered me!Uncle Wop is here tonight to let it be known,if you chose B,you'd be denying yourself an opportunity to see an original,well-crafted,gripping cinematic gore-nucopia that bites down hard with the psi of an adult male rottweiler(328,much higher than any pit bull,thank you very much!)and doesn't let go until the end titles roll.Sure,it's gross at times,the last forty minutes or so serves up some memorably gory set pieces so chunky they make Campbell's soups look like water,salt,and celery (you'll be thinking about a few of these nasty little ditties for a while afterwards,trust me),but the most heinous of the subject matter within is thankfully implied a la Texas Chainsaw Massacre,making Serbian's gut punch that much more effective(most likely duping the oceans of sensitive interwebz Nancys crybabying about the movie into thinking they've just seen something that they really haven't.Cue:Nelson Muntz HAH-hah.).For all true woprophiles,this should be at the top of your "Must See Immediately" lists.I can hardly wait to see what director Spasojevic has in store for filmgoers next,although,admittedly,I hope he moves on to much classier material!

Vukmir(Sergej Trifunovic),a pornographer so morally bankrupt,the mere mention of his name makes Roman Polanski itch.
Milos(Todorovic),a retired Serbian ..."actor" who's known for a baby's arm-sized pants crank that never quits in pump n' dump films,comes home to find his young son viddying one of his timeless classics on television.He takes the opportunity to tell his wife that he's been approached by Lejla,one of his regular pieces of silver screen fuckmeat,to once again spear some gash in an art film,the payoff being more than enough money for the happy trio to never have to look back again.The man behind the generous offer,a visionary named Vukmir(Trifunovic),assures Milos to sign the contract without knowing exactly what he'll be doing for it.Yeah,that's probably not the best sign,going in,there,'los.When he's driven to an orphanage/home for children the next day for a porn shoot,he probably should have torn the contract up right then and there.He doesn't.Wearing an earpiece from which he receives direction from Vukmir,he's led through the halls,followed by cameras,witnessing strange abusive behaviour and underage girls sucking on popsicles on tv screens while getting fellated himself,but it's all just a harbinger of terrible things to come.After he's instructed to put the blocks to a bruised and beaten woman in front of a pre-teen girl dressed as Alice from Through the Looking Glass,he angrily refuses,but is physically forced to stay and perform.Then,Vukmir proudly shows him a piece of film he claims will usher in a new genre.A naked,very pregnant woman gives birth in a dirty,Hostel-esque room,aided by a burly bald goon in a wifebeater,who,uhhh...yeah,I'm not gonna take that one a single word farther.He storms out to his car and drives off,but when his vision gets foggy at a red light,he's suddenly seduced by a scantily clad she-doctor type,after which he awakens in his own bed,bruised and bloodied,with no memory of what's transpired the past three days.This,dear Milos,is a blackout best left in the darkest recesses of your subconscious...

Milos(Srdjan Todorovic),in a drug-induced fervor,serves her what she deserves before the lens of Serb pervs.
He drives to Vukmir's estate,only to find it empty,apart from a video camera and a handful of tapes,which he uses to slowly,painfully piece the events of the previous three days back together.He learns that the filmmaker had injected him with cattle aphrodesiac,turning him into a sexual psychopath,ready to fuck anything and everything thrown in front of him.First he's given a naked blonde handcuffed to a bed,which he's instructed via earpiece to beat and anally devastate for being the cheating wife of a fallen Serbian war hero.In midstroke,he's handed a machete which he uses to decapitate the girl,still hamslamming the headless body as rigor mortis sets in when one of Vukmir's thugs kicks it away from Milos' weapon with a well-placed boot.Another tape shows two of the director's guards descending upon Milos' unconscious body with a camera,packing his fudge and mugging for the lens.The next tape shows his former co-star,Lejla,suspended nude from chains in a ceiling,bleeding profusely from the mouth after having all of her teeth pulled out.One of Vukmir's men comes in and forces his manroot into her yap,causing her to gag on the bloodflow,and asphyxiate.The tapes lead him to a horrific conclusion.He is led to a room,where Vukmir and his men have set up cameras around a mattress with two bodies covered with sheets.Still perpetua-horny from the bull viagra,Milos packs coal on one,then forces his monster endowment into the shitter of the other,much smaller body.He is then joined by a hooded man who begins sodomizing the previous body.Mid-fuck,Vukmir removes the man's hood to reveal that it is Milos' own brother,Marko.He then removes the sheet to show that it is Milos' drugged wife that his brother is assfucking.He then removes the sheet from Milos' victim to reveal that he has been sodomizing his own little boy.Talk about horrific realizations.An apeshit melee of revenge ensues,with Milos snaking a handgun off of one of the pornographer's guards and emptying the clip into everybody responsible.Milos' less groggy wife crushes his brother's head with a heavy bust.Out of ammo,Milos struggles with the last bodyguard,whose sunglasses are knocked off in the process,revealing that he's missing an eye.Milos proceedes to ram his erect cock into the thug's brain through the empty eyesocket.Vukmir,dying,happily labels the sickening events "true art".Milos then gathered up his devastated family,took them home and locked them in the basement.At his house,the traumatized man lies in bed with his wife and son,and kills himself and his family with one well-directed bullet.Later,another director and cameramen arrive to find the bodies still lying in bed.He directs his star to "start with the little one".The man starts to unzip his pants.I don't know about you,but I could use a hot shower after that.Maybe two.

Now that's what I call being overdosed on cattle aphrodesiac and flaying your own genitals with a lead pipe.
The screenwriter/director has been battling the negativity,claiming that Serbs are fucked from birth to death due to the country's brutal recent past,and though that's certainly true,it comes off as a limp cop out to me.You made a brutal movie unlike any other out there(for shock value's sake mostly,I'm thinking),man the fuck up about it.From a technical standpoint,the film is mint,strong cinematography,killer soundtrack by Sky Wikluh,who's apparently big in Serbian hip hop(I was unaware the Serbs even had a rap scene...comin' straight outta Belgrade,crazy mufucka named Boris...eh,to each his own,I guess),and solid acting from the entire cast.Seriously,this film,despite the negative press,the investigations,and last minute film festival omissions(all of which,when you think about it,are amazing publicity for a horror movie,don'tcha think?),is a hardcore piece of exploitation that screams to be seen by all fans of such.Cast your reservations aside,put your big boy pants on,and pick yourself up a copy immediately.You might not enjoy it(if you do,you've got some problems,for sure),but you definitely need to see it.I personally have never seen anything like it myself,and would like to keep it like that for a while til my balance is regained.Four wops.

"Murray Langston??What the hell are you doing in the snuff porn industry!!!"

"Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma"(1975)d/Pier Paolo Pasolini

The year was 1985.I had just received another package of movies from a good friend of mine in Chicago who I'd been buying mailorder original genre vhs tapes from,and amongst the titles in this particular shipment was an obvious bootleg with a zeroxed sleeve glued over a common vhs dustcover.His packages usually came with a funny,upbeat letter,peppered with personal updates and pleasant small talk.Not the case this time."You asked about Salo' in your last letter.I liked it so much I passed my own personal copy on to you.ENJOY.",was all it said.All I had asked previous to this sudden sombre tone,was if he had ever heard of the movie,and perhaps expressed some interest in seeing it for myself,after reading the title in someone's list of necessary cinematic evils.I'd seen all the others on the list,and quite frankly,none of them were all that evil.That afternoon,I ate dinner in front of the parlour television and screened Pasolini's infamous final film.Perhaps I should say,I tried to eat dinner,before the nauseousness took over.What passed before my eyes that day was the sickest,most degenerate and perverted excuse for a movie I had ever seen up to that point.I've probably seen a few that give this one a run for its money since,but I'm not a fifteen year old anymore,unfortunately.
A transpositive satire based on the notorious "120 Days of Sodom" written by the Marquis De Sade,and even more loosely,on Dante's Inferno,Salo' replaces the most cruel and depraved writings of the Marquis with vicious unsympathetic barbs against human nature,the struggle for and ultimate corruption of absolute power,and of course,fascism.Limply placed political slander aside,this is a brutal movie,certainly not for all cinematic tastes;I liken it to the cinematic equivalent of Serrano's "Piss Christ".Is it art?Is it a masterpiece or simply a vile piece of shit dreamed up by yet another pseudo-intellect-cum-pervert?I'll let you draw your own conclusions on what exactly it is,and where it belongs.What follows,then,is the review I swore I'd NEVER be able to write...

"Stool inspection again??" bemoan the curvaceous commie captives.
Anteinferno:In the fascist-occupied region of Italy at the tail end of World War Two,four powerful leaders(The President,the Duke,the Magistrate,and the Bishop)devise a twisted plan to retain absolute power for themselves,realizing their reign is on borrowed time with the impending allied advance.First,they agree to marry each others daughters.The second step is carried out by armed gestapo,who kidnap eighteen of the rival partisan/communists' children,nine boys,nine girls,taking them to a remote palace for a brutal four month period,accompanied by four middle aged whores whose ribald and depraved tales of carnality will sexually arouse the leaders into fleshing the stories out on their young captives.
Circle of Manias:Mrs. Vaccari(Hélène Surgère) relates mild,non-invasive stories of sexual perversity(at the ripe old age of six!) to the men,who chastise the prostitute for not going into more lurid descriptive details describing the acts she once performed:i.e. the size of the solicitors' genitals,the intensity of their climax,etc.,etc.The children are told they are already dead to the outside world,and they must adhere to even the most degenerate demands of the men at all times,else their names will be written into a book,assuring them a fate far worse than any death one could dream of.They force the naked children to act like dogs on leashes,barking and begging for tablescraps,which one of the leaders jams full of nails and forces a young girl to eat,tearing her mouth apart.Good little doggie.

Golden showers bring righteous power;The Duke is A number one with this girl's number ones.
After the Circle of Manias naturally comes the Circle of Shit:After hearing the next whore's deuce-based debauchery,the Duke,aroused by the sight of a young girl crying for her dead mother,drops his trousers and pinches one off in front of everyone,then forces her to eat it with a spoon.All the children are fed a diet of spoiled food,then their bedpans are checked nightly to make sure they have not defecated,in preparation for an elaborate shit feast(!).At the dinner table a giant silver platter of human excrement is brought out,the cross-eyed President tells shit jokes with his shit-covered mouth,then shows everyone his fancy ass,demanding that one of the male guards penetrate it for him.There's even a male-on-male shit kiss in here somewhere.
The Circle of Blood begins with an elaborately bizarre mock-marriage between the guards and the leaders,after which the Bishop takes it in the shorts from a guard with a monster endowment.Then the captives start to rat each other out to their kidnappers;one girl is found to be hiding a photograph(not allowed!) which leads to two other girls having a sexual relationship after lights out(unacceptable!)which leads to one of the fascist guards sleeping with a black maid,both of whom are dispatched with bullet-riddled domepiece death for doing so.Finally,all of the captives who somehow broke rules or refrained from obeying the leaders in some way,ending up in the book of names,are brought out to the courtyard,to be tortured and killed horribly in a bloody orgy by the men and their guards for their disobediance.Scalpings,brandings,eye-gougings,tongue removal,genital burnings,gang rapes,everything goes at this party,with the leaders voyeuristically taking turns watching the sick spectacle through binoculars in a picture window while the remaining three participate(and form a chorus kickline in their bathrobes.Nice.).Two young collaborators,desensitized by the horrific violence before them(and acted out upon them) have become fascist guards,and dance a waltz together.

If thine own tongue offends thee,have a group of semi-nude perverts cut it out for you.
Pasolini,a gay Marxist and so-called intellectual in a country torn by perpetual power struggles between communism and fascism,rubbed both sides the wrong way throughout most of his career,ultimately leading to his brutal murder,where he was allegedly called "a dirty communist" and "a piece of shit" before being beaten to death then driven over by car multiple times after soliciting a male prostitute for sex and driving to Ostia where he was killed.Personally,I don't think its entirely out of the question that this,his final movie,a scathing and visually disgusting satire of Mussolini's regime in World War Two Italy,was the final nail in his casket.Despite what those who would champion this sort of thing as a cautionary tale of the evils of fascism and power,you can't help but think the moral of the story is a thin facade for the jollies that sex freak Pasolini got from the subject matter itself,and presenting it all to the audience without an iota of humanity behind it.Taken as a moral warning,the perverted leaders are far too cartoonish to ever be taken seriously by anyone with half a brain(Beware the Duke with a beard full of piss!The cross-eyed President with a mouth full of shit!The sadist Magistrate with his whip and nail-laden cheese!The gay Bishop who's a sucker for enormous penises!),and on this level,it fails miserably.Pasolini was merely an extreme pervert playing out his OWN twisted fantasies here,and it's plain to see.Politics aside,the film does precede torture porn like Hostel by a few decades,and is worth a look if that's your bag.Truly one of the most outrageously over-the-top films ever made,and for that and that alone,I give it:

"Fibromyalgia,my shitty ass!",exclaims the President,"Smell this candle's papaya and mango fragrance!"