"The Last American Virgin"(1982)d/Boaz Davidson

Ah,nothing warms up a frosty December morning like heartbreaking teen angst thinly disguised as an eighties sex comedy.Here at the Wop,I've oftimes mentioned my deep admiration for films that spare audiences that sickeningly sweet happy ending at the end of the final reel.Happy endings,when not administered by Asian she-candy with a mastery of the Swedish Grip,are solely responsible for little girls wearing princess costumes throughout their childhood before they mature into three hundred and fifty pound scooter rats at WalMart at three thirty in the morning,with two screaming quadroon children pulling at her curlers.Happy endings make that star high school quarterback,voted the school's best looking guy, who went through cheerleaders' panties like a hot Ginsu through marshmallow fluff,look at their balding head and protruding beer gut with livid red stretchmarks like homemade tribal tattoos in the men's room mirror at the local hole in the wall,wondering what the fuck happened.Life ain't Disney,kiddies.The sooner we remove the sugar coated horseshit blinders,they more liable we are to get through it all without climbing a bell tower,clutching a sniper rifle and going on an apeshit bananas killing spree.
Tonight's review,is a direct remake by director Boaz Davidson of his earlier Israeli smash,Lemon Popsicle(1978),which spurred on an assload of sequels down there in the holy land,allegedly inspired by actual events in Davidson's own early life.It's no stretch that some vivacious pair of hams n' gams would give a guy named Boaz the high hard one,really is it?Boaz?Where else in the world would you even hear something like that but in a Mae West movie?Come up an' see meh sometahme,boaz...Anyway,Davidson changed the setting from Tel Aviv in the '50s to Los Angeles in the '80s,the oldies soundtrack to the very latest New Wave hits(at the time).all while keeping the storyline pretty goddamned similar.Though his American attempt,which was also designed for a string of sequels that never came about,wasn't immediately met with success,it has gone on to attain cult status,and thus,we give it the ol' look-see here at your one stop shop for the Wop.

"Remember the time all three of us got crabs from that skeevy prostitute?!!?I thought the summer would never end!"
Gary(Lawrence Monoson),Rick(Steve Antin),and David(Joe Rubbo),are three overly libidinous high schoolers with just one thing on their rapidly developing minds.I'll give you a hint,it ain't maintaining a 3.0 gpa in the coming semester.For Rick,the good looking athletic type,that's not too much of a problem.However,Gary's kind of an awkward douchebag who delivers pizzas around town in a hot pink station wagon with an Italian ethno-effigy on the roof,and David resembles any one of a hundred grossly overweight Sicilian kids I grew up around in my neighborhood.Awkwardly hilarious pursuit of the elusive vertical smile ensues.After slinging greasewheels all day in the pink nightmare,he stops into the local hot spot drive in restaurant,where he first glimpses Karen(Diane Franklin),a new pretty,little brunette in town,but with his popped collar and lower jaw scraping the floor,she's not impressed.Rick and David have managed to snare three young babes(err,two young babes and an overweight hs band dork with goggles)into going back to Gary's for a coke party.They cut shneezers of Sweet n' Low for their party guests,and the girls remark how it's the best Columbian they've ever had and how sweet it is.Dummies.Make out time.Rick gets the busty brunette sex kitten in one bedroom,David somehow lands the hot blonde in another,and Gary is left trying to cut the bo-hemoth's bra off with scissors on the couch.I just bet Gary's parents are gonna come home just in time to see bare bobblers flopping all over the place,and the fat kid in his boxers is gonna try to seduce Gary's mom in a case of mistaken identity.Ha ha ha.

Roxanne(Gerri Idol)'s bra-busting bobblers were made for motorboatin'.
After equally outrageous antics involving a streetwalker giving our high school heroes a good case of the crabs,and an oversexed Mexican housewife breaking off a mid-afternoon piece of pussy for Rick and David before her sailor husband returns in time for the fat kid in his boxers to walk out of the bedroom remarking that she's a nymphomaniac,and a good natured dick measuring contest in the boy's locker room(which the local nerd wins with inches to spare),Rick hooks up with Karen,the object of Gary's desire.When Rick asks for the keys to Gary's grandparents' cabin,Gary pouts and tries to cockblock his buddy in every way imaginable,even driving around looking for them when Rick pops her cherry on the bleachers at the football field.When Karen tests positive for pregnancy,Rick dumps her like the smelly morning bundle after a night of heavy drinking.Sensitive Gary to the rescue.He sells most of his own possessions and borrows cash from the pizza place to pay for Karen's abortion,serving up T.L.C. to his love at the aforementioned cabin afterwards.After inviting him to her birthday party and sharing affectionate kisses with her knight in popped collar,he scrapes together even MORE money for a gold bracelet to give her as a birthday present.At the party he excitedly looks around for his dream girl,until he stumbles upon Rick,making out with her,in the kitchen.They shoot him the "Eh,that's life,kid." look as he runs out of the party,and drives off,heartbroken,teary-eyed,and devastated.That's it!Hahaha,don't you love it?

Drunken 80's teen angst is more effective when you lean against a Cure poster,Gary(Lawrence Monoson).
Davidson,who also directed 80's genre slice Hospital Massacre,went on to produce all sorts of things,from Rambo and the It's Alive remake to SciFi Channel staples like Mansquito(!) and Shark in Venice(!!).Monoson regularly works in television,and looks a lot less like a total douche these days.Franklin,who acted in the twisted Amityville II:The Possession the same year,went on to score genre roles in Terror Vision,Alfred Hitchock Presents,and Freddy's Nightmares.I always dug those clearish aereolas of hers.Steve Antin,the heartbreaker,on the other hand,acted in The Goonies and The Accused,tried his hand in writing and directing,and most ironically,was the boyfriend of music mogul David Geffen in the nineties(!!!).Rubbo is a mortgage broker in Florida,apparently.The soundtrack,as is often the case in these types of flicks,is excellent,with standout tracks by Devo,Oingo Boingo,The Police,and even U2,before they drove down Pretentious Megadouchebag Boulevard and never looked back.This is probably my favorite of all the teen sex comedies,just because of that downer ending(Gerri Idol was quite a fox,too,I'll give you that),and because of such standing,it receiveth three wops on the rating scale and comes highly recommended.I'm always ready for the Sex Girls.

Hi,I'm Life.Mind if I donkey kick your balls into oblivion?

Lone Wolf(1988)d/John Callas

Here's a lump of SOV coal for your stocking that's so mindnumbingly awful,it's almost surreal.It manages to consistently reek of dogshit in ways most filmfans didn't even think possible.The kind of movie you rented out back then,and ten minutes through you pause it to contemplate running back to the video store to rent something else before they close for the evening to salvage the night for yourself.Actually,it's the kind of movie your dad brought home when you sent him to "rent a horror movie" after he got done running errands with the car,after he saw the mid-transformation shot on the box,thinking he'd picked you a real winner.Oh,he did alright.This flaccid 80's were-cheapie makes "555" look like The Shawshank Redemption.It makes "The Ripper" look like Dog Day Afternoon.It makes "Blood Cult" look like...okay,I'll stop.

When Eddie isn't "rocking you all night long" with Tyxe,he's bickering with his aunt over breakfast.
The year is 1988.The hairstyle is the mullet.The local Colorado high school(?)/junior college(?) is plagued with what the authorities are calling "wild dog attacks".When the kids who look like they're pushing thirty years old aren't being decapitated during the full moon cycle,they hit the local club scene and rock all night long to the sounds of Tyxe,a band whose mere existence defies reason.There's hair metal guys,there's new wave guys,and they play cliche' metal(as defined by tunes whose titles are ripe with originality, like "We're gonna rock you all night long" and "Raised on Rock and Roll").They suck.Eddie is an angst-ridden mullethead who wears a leather jacket and sings for the band,when he's not ditching school occasionally or arguing with his aunt and uncle,who he lives with(and doesn't look much younger than either).At school,he and his bandmates scrap with the preppie/sporto population,who also rock the mullet like nobody's business.The one class everyone seems to take,deals with new technology involving something called computers.The prettiest girl in class,is a vapid blonde hairpig whose hair looks like a cross between Lita Ford and a nuclear explosion.She lost her boyfriend to the mysterious murderer one night when she refused to let him drive under the influence of sipping at some empty beer bottles,causing him to angrily walk home instead.

Someone up there likes him.And someone wrote this script with their feet.
In the class,one of the ancestors of today's computer dork fancies our hairpig heroine,and together,with the help of this... computer...they try to get to the bottom of these horrible deaths.By the way,it's a werewolf.But not just any werewolf,it's one who transforms in a carbon copy manner to The Howling or An American Werewolf in London(eight years earlier),facial structure stretching,hair growing out of the skin,fangs jutting out of the gums,canine ears popping out of head...only the finished product...well,it sucks.The whole mess culminates at the school's Winter Costume Ball,held on a full moon,of course.You know,I bet the werewolf is gonna end up on stage,and someone's gonna remark that IT is the best costume at the gala.Only it isn't even.The nerd melts down some silver into bullets,then gives 'em to uber-loner Eddie,who wan't even the werewolf afterall like we all thought,him being so distant...and mulletastic,and he plugs the beast with them,after it tears through the crowd on a bloody rampage.It was the computer teacher.At the local hospital,someone being treated for werewolf claw-slashes,transforms into a werewolf and attacks the nurse,leaving the path open for another lousy shot-on-video sequel we didn't ask for.Thankfully,they left it at that,took their money and ran like the fucking wind.

An oversized heart,a rubberized lycanthrope,a working fast forward button....
I pondered at great lengths whether or not I should give this piece of shit zero B.W.'s,but eventually came to the realization that I found myself moderately entertained by the film's gaping ineptitudes,making it somewhat of a guilty pleasure.There are no footnotes here,no one went on to act in anything else,as if any of them could act in the first place...the whole cast looks like they put mullet wigs on a warehouse full of Keanu Reeves clones,and then handed them the most banal dialogue imaginable to over-deliver in wooden fashion.The effects are pretty bad,too,despite the on-screen pride the transformations are treated with.You can sit down to this,and remember everything you hated about the eighties,and love dissecting it all over beers and pizza.As such,I'll give it the marginal score of:

Just $14.99 at Spencer's gifts,or wherever fine latex masks are sold.

This is England(2006)d/Shane Meadows

I ordered this the first time on pay-per-view last year while on vacation down in Texas,not expecting too much,as the cinema makes an annoying habit of painting the worst possible picture of skinheads to fill theater seats,don't they?Well,I was pleasantly surprised here.This is a film you owe at least one viewing to.It's an engrossing story about growing up in England in the early eighties,when everybody who was anybody threw on a pair of boots and braces.It captures the feelings,the music,the style,and throws it all up there on the screen without getting too preachy in either direction like you might think.The performances are all solid,especially newcomer Thomas Turgoose,who I expect we'll be seeing a lot more of in the future,and Steven Graham(Tommy from Guy Ritchie's Snatch).The emperor approves.

Shaun(Thomas Turgoose) meets a crew of skinheads under the bridge.Ain't that always the case?
Shaun is young British boy who's lost his dad in the Faulkland War,lives with his mum,and dresses in dated flared trousers,which causes rude boys at his school to take the piss out of him,forcing him to get into rucks and that lot.Even the Paki who runs the corner store gives him bovver 'bout reading the funnies without paying for 'em.Bollocks.One day,young Shaun meets a crew of skins in his travels,freshcuts led by a lanky fucker named Woody and his mate Milky,a Jamaican rude boy.Woody likes the lad,and takes him in,and before too long,shaves him up and even buys the boy his first Ben Sherman button down.Shaun's mum is a bit upset about his new haircut,but she appreciates the boys befriending her son and all that.At first,things is real
ace,hanging out an' all that,Shaun even kisses a bird.But one night,their get-together is interrupted by one of Woody's old mates,Combo(Steven Graham),who went up for three and a half years,who pays the boys a surprise visit.Now Combo is an old head,from the days of '69,but jail has not only polarized him racially,but it's made him a bit nutty,really.Woody's crew don't stand for much more than having a laugh together,but Combo's out to change all that,innit he?

Skingirls shave Shaun into the ranks.I could use a trim,girls?Eh?
Combo splits Woody's crew down the middle,causing Woody and his bird Lol to keep their distance(Lol also hooked up with Combo for a drunken grope before he went down,back when she was a teenager adding to the awkwardness of the whole situation).Combo takes his troops to an NF rally out in the countryside,and before long,he's got the boys misspelling words like "nationalist" in spray-painted graffiti,noising up the Hindus,and even robbing the pisshead at the corner store,in the name of British Pride.While little Shaun is hanging St. George's Cross banners in his window,Combo pulls Lol aside on her way to work,and gives her a wooden box he made her while he was inside.She slags him down,telling him she's spent these past years trying to forget their hookup.Combo goes a little mental in the car,before looking up Milky,the rude boy,to score some weed and take the edge off.That night Combo gets the lads stoned,bonding with Milky,until the black lad's talk of his family and their closeness sends Combo off his nut,earning him a kicked in head.Young Shaun's a bit jaded after all this now,innit he?

Combo(Steven Graham)expresses his nationalism with a machete.
Usually I scrutinize subject matter like this with a (sharpened)metal comb,looking for discrepancies,and I have to report:this time around,I found none.It doesn't really side with the left-wingers OR the right-wingers,which for a movie of this type is a rare bird indeed.The accuracy of the subject matter is pretty close too,and you can take that from someone who's lived all of this for a long,long time now.A really good film,this.Even if you weren't a British bootboy in the eighties,you'll enjoy it.I give it a very solid rating of:

Milky's taken a right kickin',innit he?