"Zombi Holocaust"(1980)d/Marino Girolami

We've got a real fucking gem for you, the eagerest of woprophiles, to feast your glassies upon tonight, kids.An Italian exploitative classic and original BBFC-certified 'video nasty' as helmed by Enzo Castellari's dad(!), that mixes two subgenres(cannibals and zombies, though the powdery, Moe Howard-wigged natives do all of the glorious gut-munching here) with often hilarious results.In a mad rush to emulate Fulci's Zombi 2 and Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust all the way to the bank, the film's producers hastily slung together some mind bogglingly uber violent, cheap-looking gore(as provided by Maurizio Trani and Rosario Prestopino), naked thrills(as frequently served up by Alexandra Delli Colli), some identical shooting locations to Fulci's earlier film, and a cast comprised of regular genre names like Ian McCullough, Donald O'Brien, and Sherry Buchanan around a slapdash Fabrizio DeAngelis script(?) and Nico Fidenco score.Two years later, Aquarius Releasing slapped two and a half minutes from an unfinished 1977 anthology project entitled 'Tales That'll Tear Your Heart Out' onto the beginning, re-edited the film for pacing, replaced the score, whipped up a gloriously demented one sheet based on a photo of Salvador Dali(!), and changed the title to the familiar Dr. Butcher, MD, and the rest, as the late, great Chas Balun would say, is chunk-blowin' history.I remember picking up the Paragon VHS at the long gone General Radio outlet in Wilkes-Barre and thinking to myself, "Look at this, this has to be a fucking masterpiece!" as I greedily drank in the screenshot of the split-wigged cannibal on the back of the box while my father coarsely grilled one of the salespeople about a non-existent porno section.We Monteforte boys know how to live, that's for sure.

Apply more chicken gizzards to this patient's midsection, nurse...
After various body parts start disappearing from cadavers and turning up in the hungry gullet of a local immigrant hospital worker, who, upon screeching discovery, makes with an impromptu swan dive out an upper floor window only to break an arm off on the concrete below like the cheap mannekin he was, no doubt, in life.It just so happens that one of the morgue assistants, the oft-nakies Lori(Alexandra Delli Colli) just happens to be an anthropology buff(what are the chances.), and as such, she pinpoints the origin of the late heart-chewin' rascal to be Asian(Molucca, to be precise), and with the crack detective work of Dr. Chandler(Ian McCullough), the duo unravel the mystery of some primitive symbolism found at the anthropophagal crime scenes, which have extended past their own place of employment and into any surrounding hospitals that have unfortunately hired on any Moluccans of late.They enquire about the term 'Kito' to Lori's colleague and top anthropologist, Professor Stafford, who relates that it's not only the name of an island where the mythical cannibal god of the same name existed, but also the residence of a primitive tribe who comprise the 'Sect of Kito' that worships him through blood sacrifices and cannibalism.Lori finds her pad rummaged through and her ceremonial Kito dagger's been ruthlessly ganked.Call the cops? Meh, call the tourism agent.I'm sold, book the flight, baby.Joined by Susan, George(Sherry Buchanan,Peter O'Neil), and a dusty Jeep-driving guide, they track down Dr. Obrero(Donald O'Brien), a world famous surgeon who's apparently content playing doctor for the natives in a jungle Hell, and who assigns the aptly-named Mulotto(Dakar) and four bearers to Chandler's expedition into the green inferno to Kito, at the opposite end of the archipelago.Lori, shagged from the flight, strips down to knickers n' tits for a refreshing shower, unaware she's being spied upon by a powder-pussed cannibal in a Moe Howard wig, who's cruel, primitive, and absolutely unwilling to accept any form of civilization, just outside her window.Cue annoying, dated 80's synth stab.

"You call that an eye gouge, you turkeyneck? Wait'll I get ya in the ring!"
Lori returns from her shower to find a maggot-ridden human head and Kito symbol scrawled in blood under her bedsheets.After finding a well-mown patch of lawn grass in the dense jungle to set up camp in, one of the bearer's screams interrupts the party's campfires that night.The next day, Susan shriekingly stumbles across his mutilated remains in the grass, a Kito symbol spraypainted on a nearby tree.These mugs don't muck about.One of the porters tries to make a break for it, but unwittingly springs a bamboo spear trap on himself, as the approaching cannibals slit his throat, drinking the arterial spray, before gutting him longways and eating his innards raw.That night, Lori's forced to split the wig of a peeping cannibal outside her tent as the last porter takes a fatal bamboo harpoon to the labonza.The next day, the wily flesh-eaters lassoo a screaming Susan with a red satin sash-lariot and carry her off into the bushes.In the melee, George gets fish-gutted against a tree, as hungry natives pluck both his eyes out and eat them.The others are about to suffer the same fate, when an oatmeal-faced zombie with soundstage echoed groans appears and scares off the gut-munching primitives in the nick of time.The three survivors make it to Obrero, who points them to a rubber dinghy that's guarded by another cheap-looking zombie, who Peter de-face-ifies with an outboard motor(!).Afterwards, he and Lori find another zombie wearing Susan's bloody scalp like a toupee.Meanwhile, the scalpless Susan is about to have her jugular vein opened by Obrero, who's been secretly creating an army of mindless zombies by placing the brains of the living into the bodies of the recently dead all the while.It figures, man.When Susan's incessant screams annoy the good doctor, he removes her vocal cords(!!).His mad dreams of playing God are rudely interrupted by the cannibals, who have declared Lori their queen after stripping her naked and painting juvenile hippie flowers all over her and placing her naked ass in a primitive stone spreadagle-contoured fuck table, descending upon the doctor and his zombies in a climactic orgy of bad makeup and cheap ultraviolence as flames engulf his crazed work and credits roll.

Wop's diagnosis:Wind knocked out.
For years I made do with the German Dragon dvd release, which includes a nifty inlay card with meaty collage and 53 movie filmography for Girolami spanning 30 years (layed out over a shot of Delli Colli in the fuck table, mind you), extended/deleted scenes, and a trailer, until I stumbled upon the recent Media Blasters/Shriek Show disc(superior transfer for such a piece of shit, bravo, boys!) for less than what I'd pay for a pack of smokes in Manhattan, at a video clearance outlet.That's really what tonight's movie is, folks, eight bucks worth of Italian exploitative goodness that's sure to please gorehounds and genre nuts alike.If you're going in for substance or quality, you're bound to be highly disappointed.Still, the American one sheet has to be considered one of the best of the fabled era, so give yourself +2 if you've got it framed on the walls of your digs.On the scale, of course, Holocaust is another one Wopper, but when has that ever stopped you from checking it out?Track it down...

Don't worry, sweetheart, it only hurts sliding in the first time...

"Frankenstein's Bloody Terror"(1968/71)d/Enrique López Eguiluz

Tonight, we explore the colorfully gothic pioneer effort by the late barrel-chested Spanish writer/actor/director Jacinto Molina, or Paul Naschy, as he's globally recognized; the man who carried the baton of lycanthropy in the horror reel-ay of the seventies and eighties.Originally released as "La Marca del Hombre-Lobo"(The Mark of the Wolfman, por supuesto), then repackaged for American audiences in glorious 70 mm Chill-O-Rama 3D by Sam Sherman, who inserted a groovy bleeding animated pre-title sequence into the film that explained the total lack o' Frankenstein in the flick, despite the misleading title.Though there's no Tall, Green, n' Sewn-together-out-of-corpses to be found, fans of cheesy horror can rest assured there's still plenty for them to wrap their glassies around here, not excluding:climactic werewolf v. people, werewolf v. werewolf, and even werewolf v. vampire battles that all seem to transpire upon classically eerie locales, and even a hint of the grue and sexuality that viewers would find buckets n' knickersful in the later film chronicles of Molina's tragic hispanic, Waldemar Daninsky.Naschy's werewolf, besides having a propensity for awkwardly leaping upon his victims, was a damned sight more brutal than the lycanthropic portrayals of earlier actors like Lon Chaney, Jr., Henry Hull, or Steven Ritchie(!), borrowing more from Oliver Reed's snarlingly memorable turn(I think, anyway), with goopy blood seemingly ever-dripping from his plastic dimestore fangs(!!).The whole sordid affair has been lovingly restored on dvd by the fiends over at Shriek Show/Media Blasters with extended and deleted scenes(from the original Spanish cut of the film), trailers, interviews, tv spot, easter eggs, and still gallery.If you're too high brow to include shlocky fun of the highest order in your snooty movie shelves, and you're too much of a skirt-wearin' Mary to slam your own head in the refrigerator for me(I fucking hate most snoot-bags), then just rent this one out and give it a shot, it might leave you howling, if only for the wrong reasons...

Just tease the head, baby.You know how I gotta have it.
After some nonsense about the Frankensteins being cursed for their crimes with the mark of the werewolf, and thus, becoming Wolfsteins, we're transported to a masquerade ball as held at a count's mansion, where a swarthy stranger decked out in a red Robin Hood outfit strolls up and cockblocks the countess' boyfriend while telling her that he's none other than "His Satanic Majesty" himself.No, he's really Waldemar Daninsky(Paul Naschy)in flashy disguise, and all of her sex is belongs to him now, plix.The countess and her less barrel-chested beau, Rudolph, decide to explore castle ruins near Waldemar's digs, but he cuts their Scooby Doo antics short with long-winded legends about the silver crucifix-staked corpse of Lord Wolfstein located in the family crypts.Daninsky then invites a gypo couple to seek refuge within the walls of the abandoned castle.As gypos often do, they repay his kindness by pilfering wine and attempting to rob the tomb of the lord of the manor.You remember, the one with the dagger eternally shanked into him?Probably a bad move.No sooner than the greedy tramps can pull the blade from the remains, they're set upon by a vicious werewolf.Faced with the murder of a couple of fellow aristos, the Count organizes a hunting party for the lycanthrope now terrorizing the land that consists of Waldemar and Rudolph, who's nearly wolf-bitten in the ass, but saved in the nick by his new pal, who, unfortunately, isn't as lucky.Suddenly grateful, Rudolph speeds the pentagram-scarred Daninsky back to his pad, for to chain his ass up before the full moon rises.Yeah, I 've got a funny feeling those chains'll never hold him once he goes all Shaggy D.A....

That's right, Waldemar(Paul Naschy).It's the turtleneck dungeon for you.
Once the lunar rays hit Waldemar, he turns into a snarling bundle of crepe wool fury via psychedelic bleeding screen effect, making short work of his shackles and even shorter work of two unfortunate peons nearby(the male gets his monkey ass handed to him, throat ripped out in the process, then set afire like a pile of debt collectors notices at one of Smith's Bonfires of Irresponsibility).The countess searches for her new love interest, despite the disapproval of her old love interest, only to find him chained up in the dungeon and pleading to be eighty-sixed before he treats anymore peasants like Rodney King on a Friday night bender.They discover some forty year old letters from Wolfstein to a Dr. Mikelhov(Julián Ugarte), concerning a cure for lycanthropy, while rummaging through the castle study.They contact the good doctor, who agrees to help the ailing Daninsky, but when he arrives with his wife under the cover of some timely, atmospheric fog, he helps to chain the poor bastard to a dingy dungeon wall instead.Rudolph is seduced n' tapped by the doc's wife, and the countess suffers a similar fate at the hands of Mikhelov, who also chains Lord Wolfstein into the cell with Waldemar.Doctor, my balls, he's a sassy aristo-vampire, and so's his old lady!Both prisoners transform into werewolves and square off in a Spanish dungeon deathmatch that proves fatal for the hairy lord, who gets gnawed on like a moldy strip of teriyaki beef jerky by the younger, more virile crepe wool-face.The next night Waldemar stakes Mrs. Mikhelov betwixt the chest circles, but as he's about to likewise oblige her blood-drinking husband, he's got the nerve to rise from his coffin.There's an artsy slo-mo sequence contrasting the vampire's grace and the werewolf's brutality, after which the wolfman does the poor man's Dracula like a roid raged barbarian a'snatch-pursin' Granny Clampett.The countess then helps her love to store some hot silver in his chest, freeing him from both the curse and his tragically short lifespan.Roll the credits...

"Jou wan' soam o' dis, ese?Doan choo know I'm lobo?!!"
Naschy would follow this effort up with 1970's Assignment Terror and The Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman in 1971, La furia del Hombre Lobo(1972), Dr. Jekyll y el Hombre Lobo(1972), Curse of the Devil(1974), Night of the Howling Beast(1975), Night of the Werewolf(1981), La bestia y la espada mágica(1983), Licántropo: El asesino de la luna llena(1996), and finally, the direct-to-video Tomb of the Werewolf(2004), all with some incarnation of his Waldemar Daninsky character.He died on November 30th, 2009, at the age of 75, after a long career in genre film spanning 100 films, while enjoying an unexpected resurgence in popularity.Predating the vampire-werewolf battles of the Underworld series by several decades, tonight's entry won't make anybody forget those movies, but it is a good, empty-headed time to be had for fans of lycanthropy-based horror movies and b-movie bad/goodness.On the scale, don't let the single Wop score fool you.Add to your query, you know you wanna...

"...derecho entre los melones!Ayiiiiii!"

"Shark:Rosso nell'oceano"(1984)d/Lamberto Bava

There's really no mistaking the difference between a film by maestro Mario Bava and one directed by his son, Lamberto.I think you know where I'm going here.Tonight we'll be looking at one of the latter(we'll never run out of movies to review here at the Wop, never, you hear me?!!), and not one of Lamberto's crowning cinematic achievements, either.Known alternately as "Monster Shark" and "Devil Fish", tonight's muddled-but-ambitious aqua-giallo, partially penned by Luigi Cozzi(and Dardano Sacchetti and Sergio Martino and Lamberto Bava and...), as evidenced by the inclusion of his obligatory 'Stella' character, predates the SyFy 'original', "Sharktopus", by twenty-six years, for those of you out there that happen to be keeping score on this sort of thing.In the end, though, it's just another Italian Jaws rip-off afterall, made more laughably rotten by a Velveeta-laden soundtrack as realized by Guido and Maurizio DeAngelis, a corrugated cardboard cutout creature created by Ovidio Taito, and a second unit director named Mattei(yeah, him).Still, you might be able to make it all the way through this one if, like me, boobs, blood, bad acting, and an extra hokey ratiocination are what you oftimes groove upon, as there are plenty of all of those to keep it entertaining throughout.

"Arggggh! That thing is making off with my new Bruno Magli's!!!"
A couple enjoying a leisurely cruise(in a toy boat launched in an aquarium in certain establishing shots, mind you) at sunset is interrupted by the rubbery suction cups of a tentacle arm that vigorously smashes their boat and kills them off-camera.Dr. Stella Dickens(Valentine Monnier) feeds dolphins and researches them scientifically, as evidenced by her clipboard and pencil she's carrying around.Uhhh, "do tricks for fish", check.At the same time, the Coast Guard helicopter has spotted the pre-credit boat wreck, sending screeching rescue divers to rummage for survivors.Meanwhile, Dr. Hogan(Lawrence Morgant), a marine biologist who never met a pop top can of beer he didn't like, is picking up strange sounds from a sonar buoy he's towing behind the "Seaquarium", his not-so-cleverly-named research ship.The divers pull a legless corpse from the murky water via rescue harness, as Hogan's boat is suddenly attacked, with Dickens' dolphins schitzing out at the exact same moment.The autopsy of ol' legless proves inconclusive, as the sheriff(Gianni Garko) tells his 'roid-ripped deputy to photograph the body.Hogan later tells Dickens that the sound he captured on his equipment during the boat attack resembled a voice, and then, a "terrifying sound filled with hate"(he must've recorded the sound of my first stretch of the morning).Enter Peter(Michael Sopkiw), the resident electrician who's about to vacation in New York with "three beautiful women"(Electricians get all the pussy) when Stella pulls up on her motorcycle and flirtingly begs him to build a Santa's Naughty or Nice-sized list of electronic equipment instead, to the chagrin of his sensual mulatto/terrone-esque assistant/lover, Sandra, who's watching in the wings.Wow, a lot of shit's going down in this one, too bad, none of it is any good...

Washed up on the beach...sorta like Pamela Anderson these days.
Let the makin' out commence(cue:Mad Magazine flexi-disc, you know you've still got yours...).At West Ocean International, named after Professor West(William Berger), of course, Dr. Davis indiscreetly makes out with West's wife Sonja while elsewhere, Peter goes the tonguey route with Sandra, only to get roughed up by some henchmen who smash the hi-tech equipment he'd been burning the midnight oils to finish for Stella."They smashed the converter...You work all night and they smash it to bits!", he says.Meanwhile, a scuba diver who's just been harrassed by stock footage of various different shark species gets chewed up but good in the prehistoric yap of our titular monster shark, while a W.O.I. lab assistant has also mysteriously turned her toes up.The sheriff decides that its a murder alright, investigation notwithstanding.Another body is discovered on the pier, and some highly detailed plaster casts are made from the bite wounds that reveal one mutha of a toofus.Peter, Stella, Bob, his beer cans, and Sandra set off on a sonar-heavy boat to search for the monster, and after Bob chucks his empty into the ocean(kind of odd behaviour for a marine biologist, eh?)and the creature plays chicken with the bottom of the ship, appearing as a glorious eight-bit graphic on Peter's scope, Bob throws more cans into the water, and the crew celebrates capturing the monster's noises on their equipment.The lone survivor to this point flatlines at the hospital, causing the doctor to defibrillate him eleven times in rapid succession before stating that "fear" killed him(yeah, that or the 165 thousand volts you just sent through him...).Cutting through a bible's worth of banal dialogue and sub-plots that go nowhere fast, the creature is, to quote Dr. Davis, "A marine monster, almost indestructible*. And whose genetic characteristics are as fearsome as the white shark's. A gigantic octopus with the intelligence of a dolphin, and as monstrous as a prehistoric creature." *(unless there's an electrician with flame throwers around)

"Now that you're all gathered around, and I've delivered my last words, I can die dramatically."
Bava, who's credited as "John Old, Jr." here, followed this uncomprehensible garbage up with the ever-popular cult classic Demoni(1985), then Midnight Killer, and Demoni 2 the following year.Sopkiw was a mid-eighties staple in Italian genre films, appearing in Sergio Martino's 2019 - Dopo la caduta di New York(1983), Bava's Blastfighter(1984), Nudo e selvaggio(Massacre in Dinosaur Valley)(1985), and of course, this mutt.Berger, who worked with Bava's father on 5 bambole per la luna d'agosto(1970), enjoyed a long career in genre films, appearing in everything from Sabata(1969) and Keoma(1976) to Franco's Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun(1977) and Porco Mondo(1978), before passing away in 1993.I shouldn't have to say too much more about this one, you know what you're in for, and whether or not you're going to enjoy it at all.Technically speaking, on the scale, it's a One Wopper, all the way.

Let's hear you say "mutated proto-dunkleosteus tentacles" five times fast.