Friday, December 17, 2010

"The Brown Bunny"(2004)d/Vincent Gallo

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Leave your arthouse pretense at the main gate,droogies,there's only one real reason anybody paid to see tonight's entry(and with a domestic box-office gross of just over three hundred sixty-six thousand dollars,there weren't many of us,I'd wager),and that's to see popular young actress Chloe Sevigny take an on-screen throat yogurt squirt in the yap in the name of movie-making.You can sugarcoat it any old way you please after the fact,but it is what it is.At Cannes,audiences booed and walked out on the presentation,leaving Sevigny pouring tears and Gallo backpedalling.Roger Ebert called it one of the worst movies ever made(spurring on the obligatory "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader" rebuttal from Gallo) then retracted his verdict,giving the film his usual thumb's up after being recut.I'm reviewing it here at the Wop as a "cult film",using a great deal of creative license in calling a handful of people getting their jollies off of an oral payoff a "cult fan base".Still,Ebert vollied from Vince's vitriolic venom,"One day I'll be thin,but Vince Gallo will still have directed The Brown Bunny".Ouch.
Though Gallo has run the gamut on the definition of artist thus far,playing in a post-punk band with Basquiyat,acting in films like Goodfellas,The Funeral,and Arizona Dream,leaving a successful career as a painter behind in the nineties,and helming fare like Buffalo 66 with the delicious Christina Ricci,Bunny will always stand as a huge 16 mm misstep,despite the championing of coffeehouse intellectuals who swear there's a movie in there somewhere,even as Gallo himself laughs at and not with.
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Ever hear of concepts like soap and water,Gallo?
After a motorcycle race in New Hampshire,unwashed scumbag Bud Gray(Vince Gallo)takes it upon himself to drive across the country for a future race in California.He convinces a gas station attendant named Violet(Anna Vareschi)to accompany him on his non-adventure,but when they stop at her crib to grab clothes,he drives the fuck off instead.Haunted by memories of an ex named Daisy(Chloe Sevigny),he stops off at her parents' house and sees the former lover's titular brown bunny.He then stops off at a pet store to inquire about the life expectancy of rabbits.At a rest stop on the highway,he bumps into a frazzled woman named Lilly(former model Cheryl Tiegs,so weatherbeaten here,she looks like she could turn into a piece of driftwood that reads "Six Must Die" or a gold doubloon in any frame.)who he makes out with and consoles for whatever reason,before bursting into tears himself,and cutting out on her,as well.He weeps and drives.Drives and weeps.I didn't catch too many showers on his agenda either.He stops off to race his motorcycle on the salt flats of Utah before pitstopping in Las Vegas where he drives around the budget whores several times.He picks up one of the prostitutes and pays her to eat McDonald's with him before dumping her back off on the street from whence she came.Glued to the edge of your seat yet?That's okay,neither was I...
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Dustbowl crotch rocket scene,you're under arrest for impersonating an action sequence.
He drops his motorcycle off in Los Angeles,then stops by Daisy's abandoned crib,leaving a note on the door after sitting in his truck and waxing nostalgically about kissing her in the past.After checking into a fleabag motel,he is soon joined by Daisy,who continually traipses off to the bathroom to fire up some crack rock,before Bud drudges up old infidelity issues,which naturally lead to the scuz initiating the cracked out girl in an impromptu dick sucking.He fires off his testi-kids in her mouth,she swallows,then they lie in bed,where Bud continues to assault his former lover's integrity for a multi-cock indiscretion she committed at a party under his very nose.She argues it all transpired due to her pot smoking,but when Bud brings up her pregnancy at the time,and subsequent fetus' death because of the incident,she refreshes his memory about his presence at the party,and non-action during the rape,which she had passed out prior to,and explains that she choked to death while unconscious afterwards.He wakes up alone in the motel the next morning,the entire evening being a product of his own imagination.He does some more driving.Zzzzzzzzz...whoa,is that the time already?
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Save some of that crack for those of us who had to painfully endure this self-indulgent crap,Sevigny.
Though your humble N can mentally spar with the best of the cineasts and "film historians" as a true connoisseur of the projected image,granted,the only two enjoyable factors of tonight's review for me,were the usage of lifetime favorite, Gordon Lightfoot's "Beautiful" in the soundtrack,and Sevigny's celluloid suckage.As far as blowjobs go,it's pretty good,lots of filthy banter exchange between the ahem...actors,before Vincenzo delivers the salty devastation to Chloe's uvula.If this sounds remotely palatable(sorry) to any woprophiles out there,then hunt down a copy,or better yet,download it illegally and spare yourselves the somewhat steep dvd cost that B-Dub had to endure in viddying this crapsterpiece for himself.I've documented a few of my sexual conquests on digital video myself,and as narcissistic as I am,I still wouldn't ask theatergoers to pay a cover to bear witness to my erotic exploits.Not yet,anyway.One wop,and without the aforementioned key factors,you'd be keeping Uwe and Rob company in the shithouse,Vince.Just sayin'.
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So that's how you blow up a hot air balloon.
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2 comments:

Drunketh said...

Nice review, man. Very accurate as well. I own the film, only watched it once a few years ago, and what you just wrote is extactly how it is. After seeing Buffalo 66, I was enthralled and it became one of my very favorite non-horror films. So when I bought this one for nine bucks new I was excited. Love Gallo, but what the fuck with all the long ass driving.

beedubelhue said...

Much obliged,Drunketh.Nine bucks is a much less painful price to pay than I did.Twenty-five at Suncoast when it was first released.Played once,buried on a shelf forevermore.Loved Buffalo 66 too,btw.


-Wop

 
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