Tonight we're putting the X back into X-mas here at the Wop,by covering the granddaddy of vintage porn flicks,a glorified feature-length departure from the standard "loop" of the day,produced by made members of the Columbo crime family for roughly twenty-five grand in Miami and New York over six days in January of 1972.Actual box-office returns on the controversial ground breaker may never be known for sure,though the film has easily earned over a hundred million worldwide,and possibly,much more than that,as its Mafia-controlled release ushered in a brief upper middle class flirtation with pornography in the mid-seventies.Its "star",Linda Lovelace,wrote four(!) different biographies,claiming her appearance in the film liberated her as a woman in the earlier books,then crying rape in the latter two,claiming she was forced to perform several of the explicit sex acts within the movie with her abusive psycho husband Chuck Traynor holding loaded guns to her head.I wouldn't rule it out of the realm of possibility,as Lovelace displays some pretty obvious bruising on her body throughout the film,which was deemed obscene in New York,of all places.The moustachioed Harry Reems was convicted and later acquitted of obscenity charges due to his contributions to Throat,which was banned in certain areas,and played daily for sixteen years straight at one theater in Portland,Oregon,of all places.
Whether you see the late Lovelace,who died in 2002 from injuries after crashing her car into a cement post,as a victim or an opportunist,the most famous porn star of them all is the only thing worth looking at in this entry,by a long shot.Everyone else in the movie is frighteningly hideous enough to make the average porn enthusiast swear off the stuff forever,ferchrissakes.From a technical standpoint,the movie sucks,pardon the pun,with shadows and reflections of cameramen completely visible in shots,flubbed lines and porno cliche' jokes,and a supporting cast ugly enough to make people in Kansas City jealous.Linda,on the other hand,is a veritable porn pioneer;shaving her pussy,doing onscreen anal,and her titular fellatial skills at a time when none of these things were commonplace in adult movies.She,alone,is worth the price of admission.
"So when will your son Joe be coming home,Mrs. Dirt?"
The inventively named "Linda"(Lovelace playing "herself")is experiencing sexual frustration,during an era of sexual freedom and female empowerment,that reaches truly epic proportions.She confides her boudoir dilemma to her homely friend,Helen(Dolly Sharp),asking her how to harness that most elusive animal,the female orgasm(back when there was only one type.Let's all have a hearty belly-laugh at the dated material.Wuh-Hah hah haaaaah.).Her unattractive skeezoid galpal does what any good friend would do in such a situation,and schedules a good old fashioned fuckfest,but after some spirited ham-slamming and yap-ramming...and cigarette smoking(sex and cigs have an eternal bond that your humble N would never ever try to break),Linda is still at square one,bereaft of the quim earthquake your collective mothers are forever scratching at my bedroom window for.Helen then suggests a visit to Dr. Young(Harry Reems),who,upon examination of the young woman,surmises that her problem lies in a rare birth defect,indeed.Linda's clitoris is not underneath a skin hood atop her vaginal orifice,but down the back of her throat instead.She lashes out at the doctor."What if your balls were in your ear?",to which he replies,"Well,I suppose I'd hear myself coming."Wocka wocka.Who wrote this dialogue anyway,Fozzie Bear?
That fingertip is one of the smaller things Linda stuffs in her yap here.
Dr.Young,in between constantly putting the blocks to his nurse(Carol Connors), estimates that it'll take a custard cannon no less than nine inches in length to reach her female joy buzzer,and wouldn't you know it,he just happens to be packing that sort of weaponry in his own pants.With Young's tutelage,she hones her fellatio skills to a razor edge on the doctor's mustard missile and finally has that orgasm that she's been looking for,complete with bells,whistles,and possibly the single worst title song in movie history.Deeep throat,don't row the boat,don't get your goat,that's all she wrote(great lyrics)as vocalized by a bobcat with his nuts slammed in a beartrap.Riz Ortolani obviously didn't work on the soundtrack.Linda,freed from the binds of her sexual prison,offers to marry the doctor,who instead hires her as a physio-therapist(translation:whore to suck and fuck all his male patients),documenting her carnal progress along the way.A whole lotta fucking follows before the end titles promise,"The End,and Deep Throat to you all" at the sixty-one minute mark.Move over,Spartacus.
As sexy as smoking is,it can't negate that bouffant hairdon't.Or that curtain.
Lovelace,who fucked and sucked a dog on camera a year earlier in the aptly titled loop,Dog Fucker(1971)and later taught Sammy Davis,Jr.(!) how to deep throat her husband(!!) at a drunken Playboy mansion party(both of these factoids are so skeevy,I'm getting itchy just typing them),went on to star in the softcore sequel,Deep Throat II(1974),and the exploitative Linda Lovelace for President(1976),before completely falling under the cinematic radar for keeps.The late mob-tied director had a long career in porn,with such upscale titles as The Devil in Miss Jones,The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue,Maximum Head,and Splendor in the Ass under his belt before he passed away two years ago.Reems,who was championed by celebs like Jack Nicholson and Warren Beatty,apart from his legendary porn career,also provided the hardcore inserts in 1970's Bacchanale,was an extra in Klute,starred in 1973's 42nd Street staple,Forced Entry,and shared the spotlight with Chesty Morgan in 1974's Deadly Weapons.Carol Connors,who also enjoyed a lengthy career in fuck flicks such as Erotic Adventures of Candy and Candy Goes to Hollywood,was also an extra on an episode of CHiPS and in 1982's The Concrete Jungle which starred Tracey Bregman and Camille Keaton.Throat really isn't much to look at these days,but for its historical importance and lead "actress" colorful career,it merits two wops on the ratings scale.
There's more short n' curlies under the trademark Wop than a barbershop floor in East Orange,New Jersey.
No comments:
Post a Comment