Wopsploitation: "The Last American Virgin"(1982)d/Boaz Davidson

Ah,nothing warms up a frosty December morning like heartbreaking teen angst thinly disguised as an eighties sex comedy.Here at the Wop,I've oftimes mentioned my deep admiration for films that spare audiences that sickeningly sweet happy ending at the end of the final reel.Happy endings,when not administered by Asian she-candy with a mastery of the Swedish Grip,are solely responsible for little girls wearing princess costumes throughout their childhood before they mature into three hundred and fifty pound scooter rats at WalMart at three thirty in the morning,with two screaming quadroon children pulling at her curlers.Happy endings make that star high school quarterback,voted the school's best looking guy, who went through cheerleaders' panties like a hot Ginsu through marshmallow fluff,look at their balding head and protruding beer gut with livid red stretchmarks like homemade tribal tattoos in the men's room mirror at the local hole in the wall,wondering what the fuck happened.Life ain't Disney,kiddies.The sooner we remove the sugar coated horseshit blinders,they more liable we are to get through it all without climbing a bell tower,clutching a sniper rifle and going on an apeshit bananas killing spree.
Tonight's review,is a direct remake by director Boaz Davidson of his earlier Israeli smash,Lemon Popsicle(1978),which spurred on an assload of sequels down there in the holy land,allegedly inspired by actual events in Davidson's own early life.It's no stretch that some vivacious pair of hams n' gams would give a guy named Boaz the high hard one,really is it?Boaz?Where else in the world would you even hear something like that but in a Mae West movie?Come up an' see meh sometahme,boaz...Anyway,Davidson changed the setting from Tel Aviv in the '50s to Los Angeles in the '80s,the oldies soundtrack to the very latest New Wave hits(at the time).all while keeping the storyline pretty goddamned similar.Though his American attempt,which was also designed for a string of sequels that never came about,wasn't immediately met with success,it has gone on to attain cult status,and thus,we give it the ol' look-see here at your one stop shop for the Wop.

"Remember the time all three of us got crabs from that skeevy prostitute?!!?I thought the summer would never end!"
Gary(Lawrence Monoson),Rick(Steve Antin),and David(Joe Rubbo),are three overly libidinous high schoolers with just one thing on their rapidly developing minds.I'll give you a hint,it ain't maintaining a 3.0 gpa in the coming semester.For Rick,the good looking athletic type,that's not too much of a problem.However,Gary's kind of an awkward douchebag who delivers pizzas around town in a hot pink station wagon with an Italian ethno-effigy on the roof,and David resembles any one of a hundred grossly overweight Sicilian kids I grew up around in my neighborhood.Awkwardly hilarious pursuit of the elusive vertical smile ensues.After slinging greasewheels all day in the pink nightmare,he stops into the local hot spot drive in restaurant,where he first glimpses Karen(Diane Franklin),a new pretty,little brunette in town,but with his popped collar and lower jaw scraping the floor,she's not impressed.Rick and David have managed to snare three young babes(err,two young babes and an overweight hs band dork with goggles)into going back to Gary's for a coke party.They cut shneezers of Sweet n' Low for their party guests,and the girls remark how it's the best Columbian they've ever had and how sweet it is.Dummies.Make out time.Rick gets the busty brunette sex kitten in one bedroom,David somehow lands the hot blonde in another,and Gary is left trying to cut the bo-hemoth's bra off with scissors on the couch.I just bet Gary's parents are gonna come home just in time to see bare bobblers flopping all over the place,and the fat kid in his boxers is gonna try to seduce Gary's mom in a case of mistaken identity.Ha ha ha.

Roxanne(Gerri Idol)'s bra-busting bobblers were made for motorboatin'.
After equally outrageous antics involving a streetwalker giving our high school heroes a good case of the crabs,and an oversexed Mexican housewife breaking off a mid-afternoon piece of pussy for Rick and David before her sailor husband returns in time for the fat kid in his boxers to walk out of the bedroom remarking that she's a nymphomaniac,and a good natured dick measuring contest in the boy's locker room(which the local nerd wins with inches to spare),Rick hooks up with Karen,the object of Gary's desire.When Rick asks for the keys to Gary's grandparents' cabin,Gary pouts and tries to cockblock his buddy in every way imaginable,even driving around looking for them when Rick pops her cherry on the bleachers at the football field.When Karen tests positive for pregnancy,Rick dumps her like the smelly morning bundle after a night of heavy drinking.Sensitive Gary to the rescue.He sells most of his own possessions and borrows cash from the pizza place to pay for Karen's abortion,serving up T.L.C. to his love at the aforementioned cabin afterwards.After inviting him to her birthday party and sharing affectionate kisses with her knight in popped collar,he scrapes together even MORE money for a gold bracelet to give her as a birthday present.At the party he excitedly looks around for his dream girl,until he stumbles upon Rick,making out with her,in the kitchen.They shoot him the "Eh,that's life,kid." look as he runs out of the party,and drives off,heartbroken,teary-eyed,and devastated.That's it!Hahaha,don't you love it?

Drunken 80's teen angst is more effective when you lean against a Cure poster,Gary(Lawrence Monoson).
Davidson,who also directed 80's genre slice Hospital Massacre,went on to produce all sorts of things,from Rambo and the It's Alive remake to SciFi Channel staples like Mansquito(!) and Shark in Venice(!!).Monoson regularly works in television,and looks a lot less like a total douche these days.Franklin,who acted in the twisted Amityville II:The Possession the same year,went on to score genre roles in Terror Vision,Alfred Hitchock Presents,and Freddy's Nightmares.I always dug those clearish aereolas of hers.Steve Antin,the heartbreaker,on the other hand,acted in The Goonies and The Accused,tried his hand in writing and directing,and most ironically,was the boyfriend of music mogul David Geffen in the nineties(!!!).Rubbo is a mortgage broker in Florida,apparently.The soundtrack,as is often the case in these types of flicks,is excellent,with standout tracks by Devo,Oingo Boingo,The Police,and even U2,before they drove down Pretentious Megadouchebag Boulevard and never looked back.This is probably my favorite of all the teen sex comedies,just because of that downer ending(Gerri Idol was quite a fox,too,I'll give you that),and because of such standing,it receiveth three wops on the rating scale and comes highly recommended.I'm always ready for the Sex Girls.