Next, we'll look at Los Ritos Sexuales del Diablo, a 1982 offering to the dark lord and master from Spanish sleazemeister Jose Ramon Larraz, the director responsible for famous fiend fodder like Vampyres (1974) and Symptoms (1974), and later, things like 1987's Rest in Pieces and Edge of the Axe (1988), under his favorite pseudonym, Joseph Braunstein. Like much of his body of work, tonight's review, also known as Black Candles, is packed to the gills with deviate sex and nudity, and though this is a relatively bloodless effort for him, save for one wince-worthy on screen demise that we'll touch upon later, the sex is degenerate and vulgar enough to make your skin crawl at certain points, if that's the type of thing you groove on, and this is coming from a guy who's nothing to sneeze at, himself, in the sackmaster sweepstakes. Let's get on with the review while I get the ol' ego under control (with a whip and chair) over here...
"Pins and needles, needles and pins, have yourself a heart attack while you're hitting the skins (you bastard.)!"
After seeing a poor balding bastard's ticker conk out during a mid-day romp with a sexy young finger licking witch, due to a mysterious pair of hands wielding a sizable pin and voodoo doll over some titular black candles elsewhere, we're introduced to the dead fuck's sensuous sister, Carol (Vanessa Hidalgo), who's smoking body and attention to detail of the garter belts and silk stockings variety bring me great pleasure, and who's husband Robert (Mauro Rivera) looks like the result of gene splicing experiments involving Greg Brady and 70's porn dick Jamie Gillis, as they arrive at her brother's cottage in a secluded corner of England as guests of her mysterious sister-in-law Fiona (Helga Line), who happens to dig black candles and framed prints with sinister subject matter, and also, peep tomming their constant fuck sessions through a concealed hole in the wall behind a painting, and also, Satan. The other locals all seem to think ol' Scratch is swell, too, as evidenced during a black rite in a barn involving the aforementioned finger licker and a goat. Scratch that one off of my bucket list of things to see. Oh, and before I forget, Carol and her late brother were ankles behind the ears kinda close, to add to the "Did I just see what I just saw?" vibe going on at this pad.
"Just give me another minute in here, I'm pinching off another Phish album!"
It doesn't take long for middle-aged Fiona to sock it to Robert, who's only too happy to spread it around in the family, and he's soon participating in her coven's black magic orgies, where you'll see a tubby out-of-favor Satanist receive punishment in the form of a sword up the ol' wah-zoo. One of the hired help/Satanists/goat wranglers heists a gaudy necklace out of Carol's effects and she's soon the subject of the circle's sex magicks herself, as conducted by a creepy guy with a cocaine pinky claw and a priest suit. The new Satanic Robert fancies some fartbox action from his unwilling wife, who pairs up with several of the witches for lesbian loving in the name of Lucifer, who, though he never shows up here, has to be impressed with the effort. In the end, we see the couple arriving at Fiona's under the exact same circumstances. All merely a dream...or was it? Only Larraz (and Lenzi, perhaps) knows for sure.
"I'm gonna stay over here tonight, baby, if it's all the same to you, your busy wallpaper has spoiled my boner."
You'll remember Helga Line from her genre work in titles like Horror Express (1972), My Dear Killer (1972), and Exorcism's Daughter (1971) opposite Paul Naschy. Hidalgo appeared with Lilli Carati in Italian comedy, C'e' un fantasma nel mio letto (1981). Though the effective, throbbing soundtrack is credited to Cam, I swear I can hear elements of Marcello Giombini's work in Gariazzo's L'ossessa (1974) throughout the damned thing. I swear I can. This one's heavy on filth and flesh, and though I wasn't always entertained by Larraz's disturbing images, the outrageous dialog and lovely actresses assets on display kept me engaged right up until the end credits. If you're as twisted as I am, you'll enjoy it, too, though I wouldn't advise those sensitive or easily offended readers/viewers to seek out a copy, because you probably wont enjoy it in the least. Two wops. Approach with caution.
"Oh Billy, when it comes to Satanic hay rolls, you're simply the G.O.A.T.!"
No comments:
Post a Comment