Saturday, August 13, 2016

"The Human Centipede 3 (The Final Sequence)" (2015) d/ Tom Six

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Just when you thought it was safe to go ass to mouth again, depraved Dutch director Tom Six returns with the final installment of his twisted trilogy, boasting of a five hundred person long centipede while uniting the two leading men from the prior episodes, Dieter Laser and Laurence Harvey, and enlisting the talents of former butterscotch porn sweetie/Sheen-slave, Bree Olson, and Julia Roberts' bass mouthed brother, Eric, for good/bad measure, depending on your feelings about the first two films. The way I see it, the first effort was clever cult material, with most of the gruesome gore implied. The second offered up overly sloppy splatter at barf bag levels to quell the hunger of the vocal hardcore horror hounds who were unsatisfied by the pioneer film. So what would Six serve up for the most foul finale? I had to see for myself. As I recall, it went like this...

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"Heyyyyy, this ain't 'Bedknobs and Broomsticks' like they promised us!!!"
Warden Bill Boss (Dieter Laser) runs one fucked up state prison, in conjunction with his portly accountant Dwight (Laurence Harvey), who suggests his chief executive screen both Human Centipede movies while his assistant, Daisy (Bree Olsen) rubs his feet. Boss shits on the shitty films as pure shit, while Daisy enjoys them, earning herself a wet finger in the coochie for her opinion, which Boss suggests she keep to herself in future. Meanwhile,  one of the correctional officers has been stabbed by a disgruntled black inmate who, in turn, gets his arm compound fractured and crushed under Boss' foot. At this point, the warden receives a special package in his office, which contains dried African clitorises which Boss eats for strength(!) when he's not disfiguring inmates with boiling water torture. The governor (Eric Roberts) arrives on the scene and immediately demands that Boss and company cease and desist from all the brutal violence, or the pair will be seeking employment elsewhere. Boss then castrates another inmate with a heated knife blade, spreading blood from the open wound all over his own face, and demanding the testicles be prepared for his lunch. You know, as energy food. Right? Meanwhile, Daisy gives an under-the-desk skulljob to her boss, after which, she inadvertently chows down on one of the clitorises, mistaking it for candy to mask the bad taste in her mouth.

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"Some mood music, baby? Perhaps Lady Guh-guh-guh-guh-guh..."
Finally, Dwight pitches his idea to his employer: turning all inmates into a massive human prison centipede, sewing them together, ass to mouth to ass to mouth know the routine by now. Boss balks at the idea until he's haunted by a nightmare where one inmate shanks a large hole in his lower back and death rapes one of his kidneys as the rest of the cell block looks on. Tom Six (himself) shows up and sells the medical accuracy of the process, and agrees to allow the staff to recreate it so long as he can watch. The inmates are shown both previous movies, while those individuals physically or mentally incompatible with becoming a centipede are whacked by the warden, and an unsuccessful prison break leaves Daisy in a brutally beaten comatose state, or in other words, the optimal condition for Boss to rape her in front of his dismayed accountant. As the operations get under way, Tom Six tosses his cookies as he witnesses certain prisoners being dismembered as well as being sewn together. The governor returns just in time to see Boss's five hundred segment prison centipede in person (which Daisy has unwittingly gotten herself sewn into), and also a "human caterpillar", comprised of legless and armless inmates. It gets worse from here, believe me.

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Cheese it, fellas, it's Prosciutto Face. 
If you look carefully (Why would you, though) you'll notice Akihiro Kitamura among the prison centipede segments, interestingly enough, as he was also a segment in the original movie. Bill Hutchens, who provided Dr. Sebring in the original, also shows up as a centipede segment here. Never forget your roots, I guess. Tommy "Tiny" Lister is also on board as the reluctant front piece. Laser's performance might be the most annoying ever witnessed in a film, unenthusiastically shouting every line of ridiculously offensive slur-filled dialog, long before the gross out payoff kicks in, including gems like "I'll stuff your baggy homosexual shithole with Cuban cigars up to your throat!" and countless others throughout. Not nearly as clever as the original, nor as vulgarly bloody as the sequel, 3 falls somewhere between the two, and feels unnecessary in comparison, garnering itself a single Wop on the scale. You've seen one human centipede, you've seen 'em all, really...

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A twine stitch in thine saves hein-ey.
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