"It Lives Again" (1978) d/ Larry Cohen

Before he got freaked out by tigers in Apocalypse Now (1979), before Nic Cage romantically rendezvoused with Deborah Foreman in his health food store in Valley Girl (1983), and before he dealt in queer-stomping Vietnam jungle boots in 1993's Falling Down, Frederic Forrest lent himself to this second installment of Larry Cohen's micro-budgeted belligerent baby trilogy, 1978's It Lives Again. Also on board here are Kathleen Lloyd, who you'll remember foolishly swore at Satan's sedan in The Car (1977). She also starred opposite seventies teen dream, Leif Garrett, in Skateboard (1978). John Marley, of The Godfather (1972), Deathdream (1974), and even The Car (1977) fame, adds more dramatic validity to this effort than it deserved, really. Still, we press ahead...


"You see Mork leave the planet last night? Nanoo-nanoo, man...", quips Frank Davis (John P. Ryan).
As the Scott's (Kathleen Lloyd, Frederic Forrest) watch the last of their baby shower guests leave the premises, a lone hanger-on named Davis (John P. Ryan) relates his awful story (see: It's Alive (1974) for details) to the couple, warning that they, too, are on the dawn of becoming parents to a homicidal mutant with a penchant for neck-chewing, and the government has been secretly monitoring their pregnancy with full intent to abort the feisty little rascal with a flurry of bullets the second he enters the world. It would seem that Davis is in cahoots with a group of doctors who see untapped potential in the bellicose babies, and have two other gore-geous little bastards caged up for monitoring and experimentation at a location to be named later. Leading the charge of infant-snuffing cops is a fellow named Mallory (John Marley), who seems to derive special joy from extinguishing the mutant babies' lives for some unknown reason, and his zeal unwittingly gets him held at gunpoint by Davis at a hospital full of cops and SWAT team members before he can carry out another death sentence, even clearing an escape route for the rogue doctors' eighteen-wheeler birthmobile. Of course, the Scott's little fanged darling is miffed-in-a-minute ornery from the outset, and never met a throat he didn't want to pounce on and gouge open with his muscular claws n' teefers.


"...I snuck a teething ring in when the c.o.'s back was turned. I'll let you chew on it for a loosey."
When Jody ducks out of a theater (just as Bruce Lee's about to snap Jackie Chan's neck in Enter the Dragon (1973), too. How fuckin' cool is that?) to hop a city bus to meet up with her husband at the aforementioned location, her purse has been bugged by her own mother, who's adamantly anti-monster and working with the coppers, who are zeroing in on the morbid secret nursery coordinates by the minute. Meanwhile, the other two monster babies (Adam and Eve, lulz) aren't much in the mood to crawl through a maze in the hideout basement for analysis, and break the fuck out like the measles, chomping any neck in their path, and causing the usual one or two drops of blood associated with such attacks, by now. The Scott baby martyrs Davis in the woods after he helps the child escape the safe house before they can flood the place with gas, wasting his two mutant siblings in the sudden raid and further polarizing his parents; mom wants to show him love, while pop has sided with Mallory and company, eager to baptize his new son with bullets. How does it all wind up? That's for you to find out when you hunt down a copy for yourselves.


"Scott, this is Kevin...my bike is broken. Can you help me? Ovah."

I picked this one up on a double disc with the even worse second sequel, It's Alive III: Island of the Alive (1988). Must be a sliver of masochist in me, after all. Cohen, who offered up blaxploitation gold in Black Caesar (1973) and it's rapid-fire sequel, Hell Up In Harlem (also 1973), would go on to take the chair on efforts like God Told Me To (1976), Q (1982), and 1985's The Stuff, unforgettable stuff, indeed. You'd definitely think FX God Rick Baker had grown too large for a production like this by 1978, having already tackled projects like King Kong (1976) and Star Wars (1977) in the four year interim between the 1974 original and It Lives Again. Apparently not. Still, the man would again give us jaw-dropping, eye-popping stuff in genre classics like Altered States (1980), An American Werewolf in London (1981), Ghost Story (1981), and even Videodrome (1983), so let's not make too disparaging an adjudication on him here. On the rating scale, It Lives Again matches the score of the original, an impressive feat if said score hadn't been a single Wop. But it was. And it still is. Approach with caution.


"I'll whack you execution style if you don't turn off Anne Murray already...", warns Scott (Frederic Forrest).

"It's Alive"(2008)d/Josef Rusnak

To the the wake that includes the two sequels that followed Larry Cohen's minor horror hit, It's Alive(1974), you can now add one pretty bad remake, courtesy of the man who was a second unit director on the legendarily pungent 1998 American Godzilla.Cohen himself gave the Rusnak production a seething review, saying, "It's a terrible picture. It's just beyond awful.".He ain't just whistlin' Dixie, either.Besides the little homicidal mutant, there's little discernible common ground between the movies save for the inconsistency that plagues both productions, with this one played completely straight with no comedy...or at least no intentional comedy therein.The imdb listing for Bijou Phillips, who's the female lead here in case you were wondering, calls the actress "multi-talented" and I'm gonna go out on a limb here in guessing her equestrienne, singing, and modeling skills far outweigh her acting chops.I honestly can't remember her in her other genre roles in Hostel:Part II(2007) or the Wizard of Gore remake(2007)(Okay, I haven't bothered with the latter one to date, sue me).Director Rusnak doesn't do much to hoist the production out of the gutter, generating no suspense whatsoever with his pedestrian style, further hindered by a mutt of a script that chucks logic and reasoning out the nearest open window.As much as I openly despise the vast majority of horror remakes the industry has been otiosely churning out in recent years, I really wanted to dig this one, but everything about it sucks like getting arrested the day after Christmas, and uh, yeah, I've experienced that, too, for those of you out there keeping score.Downward.

Safe to say, Shane MacGowan wasn't suckling at this particular teat.
Somewhere in New Mexico(or Bulgaria, if you happen to be paying attention), pregnant collegiate Lenore Harker(Bijou Phillips) skips out of her classes before the semester's end to have her baby with architect/beau Frank Davis(James Murray) and his invalid brother(Raphaël Coleman) at his disjunct little bungalow in Larkspur(again, Bulgaria, for anyone with eyes), amidst the protests of her bestie, who figures she's just gonna drop out of school once she's immersed in child rearing.After an abnormally rapid prenatal growth spurt and one strawberry preserves-splattered delivery room full of mutilated neonatologists, obstetricians, and nurses later, the unsuspecting parents take their new bundle of joy(deformed monster in some shots, completely normal looking toddler in others) home amidst the bustle of clueless investigators and police dogs.When the snaggletoothed little bastard isn't perforating his mammy's tits while breastfeeding, he's sneaking out of his crib off-camera to hungrily hunt, kill, and devour a pigeon.Even after Lenore catches him feeding on a cat, she throws the battered carcass into the trash and reprimands the baby for his predatory bloodlust like he's crayoned up a wall or something.It's only a matter of time before little Daniel re-expands his food chain to include eastern bloc extras with names that end in "ova" and "eva" who've had their voices ADR'ed to sound more American.The wheelchair-bound Chris returns books to the school library and interacts with classmates in head-scratching subplot sequences that look to have been mostly excised and left on the cutting room floor.What purpose does he serve in this movie, again?

Then the buggy-eyed rubber baby bumped her...
After growing increasingly concerned about Lenore when all her attempts to call her go unreturned, Marnie decides to pay her old friend a visit, earning her a CGI-baby fist punch through her facepiece after she discovers her boyfriend's remains in the back of a pickup truck full of Christmas trees(He eats hot baby-powered CGI death just off-camera during a smoke break).When Lenore stumbles upon the carnage, she merely hides the corpses in the basement before her husband, who seems disinterested in any of the goings on(or maybe he's just not a good actor), gets home.After Sgt. Perkins'(Owen Teale) investigation leads him to take a deputy out to the Davis place, getting to meet the pint-sized purveyor of polishing off face-to-face while in his unofficial-looking squad car.Not only equipped with a ravenous propensity for flesh n' blood, Daniel can also apparently shrink to the size of a pea, saving the effects team a lot of unnecessary headaches in trying to depict the child's fiendish murders, which greatly resemble a Tazmanian Devil cartoon whirlwind.Somewhere along the line here, Lenore confesses to Frank that she took an abortion pill upon becoming pregnant, but the guilt of her actions led her to pray that the baby somehow survived, despite it.Some acting would have helped here.After a tensionless square off in the darkened basement, Frank manages to trap Daniel in a garbage can(!), but after dragging it off into the woods, he can't bring himself to shoot the infernal thing, and when he pulls the lid off, his son makes minced meat out of his labonza for the effort.Lenore fetches her child and returns to their burning house with it, as Frank and Chris marvel at the horrendous CGI flame effects from outside.Eighty minutes?Felt like two eighty, ferchrissakes.

CG-Ay yai yai.
As you may remember, we stamped a single Wop upon the Larry Cohen original, while the remake with the 'advantage' of all the advances in technology and filmmaking techniques that have come in the past thirty-four years still somehow manages to earn the same marks as its predecessor.Deceiving really, since the Cohen movie is infinitely more entertaining with its grindhouse charms and muddled effects than this recent puddle of abysmally-paced sludge, showcasing some unapologetically lazy cgi(whether you're talking the continuity-defying creature effects or greenscreened scenery outside moving vehicle windows, it's all pretty rotten) and lifeless acting performances whose 'suck' is intensified by some flaccid dubbing that rivals an early eighties Godfrey Ho production.It's a pity, too, because, in the right hands this one could've improved upon the original, instead of existing as yet one more crappy remake that insults the intelligence of horror fans worldwide.As promising as monster babies may seem for genre freaks, you're gonna wanna abort this one in the first trimester, folks, trust me.

"I warned you about building a diversified portfolio, but you didn't listen to me!"

"It's Alive"(1974)d/Larry Cohen

First on the agenda this evening,I'd like to take a moment to wish the charming and very talented Stacie Ponder a very happy birthday.You'd do well to mosey your narrow,little woprophile asses on over to her Final Girl page,which is packed with more tasty cinematic goodness than one of Uschi Digard's bobblers,and do the same.Her writing is always highly entertaining,informative,and irreverently humourous.I don't often say that about people who aren't me,but in this case,it's all true.I figured,what would be a better birthday prezzie for Ms. Ponder than to examine her Film Club entry for the month,Larry Cohen's "It's Alive".I know it ain't exactly the pony she may or may not have always wanted,but it's the thought that counts,right?This also negates some of the cobblers that one might encounter if they skimmed over my Kindergarten report card from the same year.I have (finally)learned to play well with others,keep my hands to myself,properly tie my shoes,and make halfway decent 3's,6's,and 9's with a number two pencil.Thirty-six years later or not,progress is still progress.Anyway,buon compleanno e tanti auguri,kiddo.
Though most of Larry Cohen's movies are easily lumped into the low budget,trashy fun category,tonight's entry poses the deep philosophical question:Is it family or just a veiny balloon-headed fanged and clawed monstrosity with Peter Lorre eyes on a killing spree?We can't easily come to any answers without further examining the modest box office hit under the woproscope more closely.It boasts of an excellent score by Bernard "Psycho" Hermann and some effective puppetry and special effects by Rick Baker,early in his career.Surprising,perhaps,is the subdued tone throughout the film,underplaying the potentially shlocky premise,and understating the monstrous element of the killer baby and the murders it commits,instead focusing on the trauma of said events within the family,making for a decent horror experience.Of course,I'm sure this is mostly unintentional luck on Cohen's part,knowing at one point he suggested putting two live chickens in the mutant baby costume for effect.Real nice,Larry.Real nice.

After the jar of Prego sauce exploded,the entire hospital staff decided to take a nap,all at the same time.
The Davises are expecting their second child,with Frank(John Ryan),Lenore(Sharon Farrell),and their son,Chris(Daniel Holzman),making preparations as Lenore goes into labor.The couple avoided a second pregnancy for several years with oral contraceptives,but when they were financially secure enough for the extra mouth to feed,Lenore started taking untested,experimental fertility drugs to speed the process along.Due to this,she gives birth to a musclebound,bug-eyed,fang-yapped,globe-domed freak that proceeds to wipe out the whole delivery room in a bloody post-natal coup,save for mommy,of course.By the time Frank bursts in to see the grue-soaked remnants of humanity strewn about Lenore's gurney,she's screaming for her baby,who's exited the crime scene stage right,via a window.Frank and Lenore are allowed to leave the hospital as the police follow a tragic trail of lifeless sons o'bitches on their city-wide babyhunt.Even the poor milkman eats vicious infant-inflicted death(maybe he's teething?I dunno)as the bellicose baby makes its way back to the Davis house.The press and police badger the couple until Frank is forced to take a leave of absence from work over the unwanted publicity.He draws an ugly metaphor of himself as Baron Frankenstein,and his new fugitive son as Karloff's monster while talking to detectives on the case,only citing himself as the true monster for unleashing such an atrocity upon mankind,disowning it as a son,and ultimately vowing to help the men track down the pint-sized,milk pint-guzzling killer.

Filmed in lush baby-vision:Everybody looks like this to me when I'm partying.
Meanwhile a university prof contacts the quack responsible for prescribing the experimental drugs to Lenore,telling him that the genetic freak was indeed the product of his empty-headed script,and that once the little monster's been eighty-sixed,the doctor can join the team examining and studying the corpse for research purposes,provided he can snag it for them.Lenore hides the homicidal tyke in the basement,when it shows up,shagged,fagged,and fashed from breaking into a school and killing policemen.When Frank discovers his wife is knowingly hiding the belligerent baby,she pleads with him not to hurt their son,and that he's simply frightened and would never hurt the family.He goes to the basement,gun in hand,to find his son Chris talking to his brother,vowing to protect him,and after getting his meddlesome kid out of his sights,he wings the monster,which escapes again,killing an old friend of the family in the process.When the police contact Frank with news of an infant sighting in the sewers,he rushes out to help with the search,but when he finds the baby,he realizes the murderous rugrat is only frightened,and attacks only out of fear.He finally bonds with his son,picking him up and wrapping him in his jacket,before trying to sneak past the cops who draw their weapons.The fertility doctor urges the men in blue to open fire on the creature,who dives out of Frank's arms onto the loudmouth,killing him as the cops empty their barrels into both.As the police escort the Davises home,a call over the radio announces another killer baby has been born in Seattle.And that particular baby would grow up to sing for Alice in Chains.Nah,just kidding.

Is that an orange checkered polyester pajama pantsuit?That really is horrifying.
I'd have an easier time upgrading this decent little shocker to two wops,if Cohen didn't find it necessary to beat the idea into the ground twice more,with "It Lives Again"(three babies)in 1977,and "It's Alive III:Island of the Alive"(giant grown up babies exiled on a deserted island where they can't hurt anybody!!!)in 1987, the most ridiculous of the trilogy(yet,strangely watchable,due to the always great Michael Moriarty's excellent improvisational skills).It probably deserves more than the one I'm bestowing upon it here,like,perhaps one and a half wops(if there were such a rating!),but the verdict is in.A cheesy-yet-enjoyable Cohen cult classic with more than a few brilliant moments that might make you momentarily forget you were watching a Cohen flick.If you ask me,the kid should've killed everybody for their gaudy seventies fashion sense.One wop.

When Eddie Money sang,"Baby,hold onto me",I don't think he meant this particular one.