"The Last American Virgin"(1982)d/Boaz Davidson

Ah,nothing warms up a frosty December morning like heartbreaking teen angst thinly disguised as an eighties sex comedy.Here at the Wop,I've oftimes mentioned my deep admiration for films that spare audiences that sickeningly sweet happy ending at the end of the final reel.Happy endings,when not administered by Asian she-candy with a mastery of the Swedish Grip,are solely responsible for little girls wearing princess costumes throughout their childhood before they mature into three hundred and fifty pound scooter rats at WalMart at three thirty in the morning,with two screaming quadroon children pulling at her curlers.Happy endings make that star high school quarterback,voted the school's best looking guy, who went through cheerleaders' panties like a hot Ginsu through marshmallow fluff,look at their balding head and protruding beer gut with livid red stretchmarks like homemade tribal tattoos in the men's room mirror at the local hole in the wall,wondering what the fuck happened.Life ain't Disney,kiddies.The sooner we remove the sugar coated horseshit blinders,they more liable we are to get through it all without climbing a bell tower,clutching a sniper rifle and going on an apeshit bananas killing spree.
Tonight's review,is a direct remake by director Boaz Davidson of his earlier Israeli smash,Lemon Popsicle(1978),which spurred on an assload of sequels down there in the holy land,allegedly inspired by actual events in Davidson's own early life.It's no stretch that some vivacious pair of hams n' gams would give a guy named Boaz the high hard one,really is it?Boaz?Where else in the world would you even hear something like that but in a Mae West movie?Come up an' see meh sometahme,boaz...Anyway,Davidson changed the setting from Tel Aviv in the '50s to Los Angeles in the '80s,the oldies soundtrack to the very latest New Wave hits(at the time).all while keeping the storyline pretty goddamned similar.Though his American attempt,which was also designed for a string of sequels that never came about,wasn't immediately met with success,it has gone on to attain cult status,and thus,we give it the ol' look-see here at your one stop shop for the Wop.

"Remember the time all three of us got crabs from that skeevy prostitute?!!?I thought the summer would never end!"
Gary(Lawrence Monoson),Rick(Steve Antin),and David(Joe Rubbo),are three overly libidinous high schoolers with just one thing on their rapidly developing minds.I'll give you a hint,it ain't maintaining a 3.0 gpa in the coming semester.For Rick,the good looking athletic type,that's not too much of a problem.However,Gary's kind of an awkward douchebag who delivers pizzas around town in a hot pink station wagon with an Italian ethno-effigy on the roof,and David resembles any one of a hundred grossly overweight Sicilian kids I grew up around in my neighborhood.Awkwardly hilarious pursuit of the elusive vertical smile ensues.After slinging greasewheels all day in the pink nightmare,he stops into the local hot spot drive in restaurant,where he first glimpses Karen(Diane Franklin),a new pretty,little brunette in town,but with his popped collar and lower jaw scraping the floor,she's not impressed.Rick and David have managed to snare three young babes(err,two young babes and an overweight hs band dork with goggles)into going back to Gary's for a coke party.They cut shneezers of Sweet n' Low for their party guests,and the girls remark how it's the best Columbian they've ever had and how sweet it is.Dummies.Make out time.Rick gets the busty brunette sex kitten in one bedroom,David somehow lands the hot blonde in another,and Gary is left trying to cut the bo-hemoth's bra off with scissors on the couch.I just bet Gary's parents are gonna come home just in time to see bare bobblers flopping all over the place,and the fat kid in his boxers is gonna try to seduce Gary's mom in a case of mistaken identity.Ha ha ha.

Roxanne(Gerri Idol)'s bra-busting bobblers were made for motorboatin'.
After equally outrageous antics involving a streetwalker giving our high school heroes a good case of the crabs,and an oversexed Mexican housewife breaking off a mid-afternoon piece of pussy for Rick and David before her sailor husband returns in time for the fat kid in his boxers to walk out of the bedroom remarking that she's a nymphomaniac,and a good natured dick measuring contest in the boy's locker room(which the local nerd wins with inches to spare),Rick hooks up with Karen,the object of Gary's desire.When Rick asks for the keys to Gary's grandparents' cabin,Gary pouts and tries to cockblock his buddy in every way imaginable,even driving around looking for them when Rick pops her cherry on the bleachers at the football field.When Karen tests positive for pregnancy,Rick dumps her like the smelly morning bundle after a night of heavy drinking.Sensitive Gary to the rescue.He sells most of his own possessions and borrows cash from the pizza place to pay for Karen's abortion,serving up T.L.C. to his love at the aforementioned cabin afterwards.After inviting him to her birthday party and sharing affectionate kisses with her knight in popped collar,he scrapes together even MORE money for a gold bracelet to give her as a birthday present.At the party he excitedly looks around for his dream girl,until he stumbles upon Rick,making out with her,in the kitchen.They shoot him the "Eh,that's life,kid." look as he runs out of the party,and drives off,heartbroken,teary-eyed,and devastated.That's it!Hahaha,don't you love it?

Drunken 80's teen angst is more effective when you lean against a Cure poster,Gary(Lawrence Monoson).
Davidson,who also directed 80's genre slice Hospital Massacre,went on to produce all sorts of things,from Rambo and the It's Alive remake to SciFi Channel staples like Mansquito(!) and Shark in Venice(!!).Monoson regularly works in television,and looks a lot less like a total douche these days.Franklin,who acted in the twisted Amityville II:The Possession the same year,went on to score genre roles in Terror Vision,Alfred Hitchock Presents,and Freddy's Nightmares.I always dug those clearish aereolas of hers.Steve Antin,the heartbreaker,on the other hand,acted in The Goonies and The Accused,tried his hand in writing and directing,and most ironically,was the boyfriend of music mogul David Geffen in the nineties(!!!).Rubbo is a mortgage broker in Florida,apparently.The soundtrack,as is often the case in these types of flicks,is excellent,with standout tracks by Devo,Oingo Boingo,The Police,and even U2,before they drove down Pretentious Megadouchebag Boulevard and never looked back.This is probably my favorite of all the teen sex comedies,just because of that downer ending(Gerri Idol was quite a fox,too,I'll give you that),and because of such standing,it receiveth three wops on the rating scale and comes highly recommended.I'm always ready for the Sex Girls.

Hi,I'm Life.Mind if I donkey kick your balls into oblivion?

"Friday the 13th:The Final Chapter"(1984)d/Joseph Zito

Let's see,where the fuck were we...which brings us to the fourth installment of the wildly popular Friday the 13th series,which was billed as the final movie(yeah,if you bought that for even a New York minute you're greener than Carl Spackler's Kentucky bluegrass/Maui Wowie hybrid)and with a stellar b-cast and FX goremeister Tom Savini called in to finish off the monstrous mongoloid murderer he helped to create,stands as many genre fans favorite of the lot.I know,as someone who had made the trek to the theater for every film thus far,I was willing to let the shoddy bygone of Part 3 in 3D be just that,giddy at the possibilities as I awaited the theatrical release.And if this were still 1984,and you asked me which Friday was my favourite,I'd have told you,"The original,AND the Final Chapter" with the same bold snobbishness you've come to know and love.The problem is,it ain't exactly 1984 anymore,and I'm not that same teenager who walked around with visions of Savini-crafted head explosions dancing in my head.Sure,I still enjoy watching tonight's entry on occasion,especially since the recent special edition was weighed down with tasty extras that included all the rushes of Terrible Tommy's uncut kills,something I would have snuffed out a few unfortunate bastards for a glimpse of back in the golden era.Maybe I'm just being a dick(what else is new)about it,but besides the glorious effects and some of the cast(one nutbag in particular),the whole production is pretty wafer-thin.Not that I'm expecting Exorcist-level chills from the third sequel to a series that was shallow to begin with,but other than the aforementioned highlights,this is pretty standard(translation:average)stuff indeed.Even as such,it stands as one of the better entries in the series,for sure.And compared to parts V,VII,and Jason Takes Manhattan(THE worst of the lot by a country mile),this movie might as well be the friggin' Godfather Part II.

"Sit and spin,Jenny Craig!" rhetorts the tubby ride-thumber(Bonnie Hellman).
One day removed from the chaos of the events that would come to be known as "Friday the 13th Pt.3 in 3D",paramedics and law enforcement officers are trying to tidy up the crime scene of unsightly corpses at Higgins Haven,one of which happens to be the hydrocephallic harbinger of hockey masked hate,Jason Voorhees himself,dead from a barn lynching and a right good whack upside the headpiece with an axe.At the Wessex Morgue,Axel and Morgan,the resident doctor and nurse,find out the hard way that he,in fact,isn't.One surgical saw throat slash/head twist and eight point buck-level gutting later,our resident rambunctious retard is making his way back to Crystal Lake.It's a good thing nobody's planning a decadent weekend of drugs,sex,and partying there.Oh wait.Six teenagers have rented a house for the weekend on Crystal Lake.Probably not the best idea in the world by now,but who can argue with the folly of youth.They pass a chubby banana-munching hitchhiker who gets throat-skewered with a knife after flipping them the bird for not picking her up.Upon arrival they meet Trish(Beck)and Tommy Jarvis(Feldman),who live next to the rental house.Tommy is a bespectacled young horror fanatic who enjoys showing off monster masks and animatronic heads that he's made for lack of a normal social life or father figure.Methinks it's a different Tommy altogether doing the showing off,but I digress.The group also befriends a pair of oversexed twins,Tina and Terri(what's with all the T's,man),and before long a skinnydipapalooza ensues at Crystal Point.The Jarvis's car beaks down,but the siblings are helped by a mysterious hiker named Rob,who's kind of tentative about his being in the area.Let's see,that's Paul,Sam,Sarah,Doug,Ted,Jimmy,Trish,Tommy,Rob,Tina and Terri.How many of these names would you bet on still breathing oxygen by the final reel?Yeah,me neither.

Jimmy(Crispin Glover):From a dead fuck to fuckin' dead with one chop.
Sam(Aronson),apparently unfulfilled by the afternoon's nudity,goes midnight skinnydipping and gets impaled through a raft.Her boyfriend Paul goes out to join her,getting his Moby Dick harpooned in the process.Terri leaves the party prematurely,earning her a spear in the back.Jimmy(Glover),the "dead fuck",dances like a spaz,bottoms out in Tina,and gets a corkscrew rammed into his mitt,and his grill bissected horizontally by a meatcleaver.Tina gets chucked two stories out an upstairs window.Ted(Monoson),a cocky fuck whose annoying personality("Wanna give Teddy a kiss?"repeatedly,while holding a Teddy bear)even rivals Shelly from Part Three,gets stoned and watches antique stag movies before getting knifed through a projection screen in the back of the dome.Doug and Sarah share a shower-based aquafuck before Doug gets his face smooshed against the wet tiles by a vengefully retard strong hand.Sarah gets an axe-thrown-through-the-front-door-and-buried-into-her-sternum.Jason should have tried out for the Hayward lumberjack competition in Wisconsin.Meanwhile at the Jarvis residence,Trish and Tommy find their muddah missing,so they enlist the help of Rob,who,in a revenge-laden twist that'd make the Shaw Brothers blush,reveals that he's the brother of Sandra from Part Two on a manhunt for Jason,once again.While Jason is introducing Rob to the Grim Reaper,Tommy does a slapdash makeup job on himself based on Rob's newspaper clippings to resemble twelve year old Jason who drowned in the lake because...okay,I have no fucking idea myself.The hellspawn in a hockey mask terrorizes the boy and his sister,and in a boffo finale gets his head half-hemisected by his own machete,then hacked into haggis when the boy notices movement in the downed waterhead.Trish hugs Tommy,while he visits her later at the hospital,and the boy gives a disturbed look directly to the camera which ends in a telling freeze.You know,I'll bet this wasn't the last Friday the 13th movie afterall!

Sam(Judie Aronson)displayed her hams,gams,and clam as she swam.Now she's damned.
For those keeping score,my favorite piece of screen decoration this time around is Judie Aronson,who also worked in Weird Science,American Ninja,and more recently,Hannibal.She still looks pretty good,too.Director Zito,whose prior work included genre fave,The Prowler,went on to direct longstanding viral internet joke Chuck Norris in Invasion USA and Missing in Action,his most successful movie.Corey Feldman has enjoyed a long career in b-movies when he's not haunting horror conventions across the country(and throwing dead hotel room parties,so the story goes).The always uber-bizarre Glover has been touring his self-produced headscratcher of a trilogy,where his co-stars are usually retarded,in blackface,or a Shirley Temple doll in nazi getup.Crispin Hellion Glover,what are we to do with you.Peter Barton went on to a recurring role in housewife tele-crack,Young and the Restless.Last American Virgin Lawrence Monoson is still highly active in television to this day.In closing,the effects are peerless for their time(especially uncut),there are some memorable performances by some of the cast,and that's enough to make this one of the better unlucky Fridays you could sit down to watch.The Final Chapter dances spastically around the living room to a scale rating of two wops.

Jason's(Ted White) facin' a brutal erasin' as Tommy(Feldman) hacks his ana-tomy as revenge for his mommy.