Wopsploitation: "Friday the 13th Part 3 in 3D"(1982)d/Steve Miner

To fully enjoy my culled screenshots for this review,you're gonna need you a pair of old school anaglyph(red and blue)3D glasses,which,upon wearing,the entry's cheesiness will jump out of the monitor at ya...or not.If not,then you'll kinda get the feeling most of the audience did back in 1982,myself included,with the new,(not-so)improved stereovision 3D process of the seventies and eighties.Well,at least the black-lensed glasses were cooler-looking.Riding the wave of 3D resurgence that surfaced in the early eighties with titles like Comin at Ya!,Parasite,Jaws3D,Amityville 3D,and re-releases of fare like House of Wax,and Flesh for Frankenstein,Miner and company returned to send off their unexpected cash cow with a low-budgeted bang,complete with the illusion of depth perception,until the box office draw dwarfed the take for the previous picture,ensuring yet another final Friday movie two years later,until...yeah,you can see the pattern here.Other than the gimmicky 3D,which I always enjoyed as a kid,no matter how awful the movie was,headaches and eye strain excluded,I can't say there's all that much to dig about this one.Granted,the stunning Tracie Savage is on board here at her "dishiest"(sorry,boys,no 3D),and this flick boasts of the historic moment when Jason first met goalie mask,but overall,this effort feels a lot lazier than usual.The gore and Jason makeup effects look pretty bad,Manfredini's disco/funk/retro main theme is equally horrendous(I can imagine that side-ponytailed black chick on Solid Gold popping and locking to this),and well,then there's Shelly(Larry "That's an EYEBALL!" Zerner),far and away,the most pathetically fat and annnoying character to ever be vanquished by a Voorhees on the silver screen.Not my least favorite Friday film,but certainly in the bottom five of the series.

The mayhem maven of Higgins Haven;Ali(Nick Savage)-1,Van Window-0.
We pick up where Pt. Two left off,sorta.Jason,with Ginny's machete still cleaved in his shoulder,gets up,brushes himself off,and somewhere between Two's end credits and Three's opening sequence has managed to lose the Nuge-esque retard half-mane and his hillbilly getup,and score himself a nice clean workshirt and khaki pants.He immediately sets upon a storekeeper who shoplifts his own stuff and cuddles bunnies,and the castrating bitch he's married to.Mercy killing,no doubt.A news reporter(Miner himself)relates that Ginny has survived her attacks and the police are on the look out for a killer.Dear Mr. Movie Motivation,are you trying to tell me that Jason completely changed his look(minus the fuckface,of course)to throw the cops off his trail?Chris(Dana Kimmel) is rounding up a gaggle of walking stereotypes she calls friends to accompany her on a weekend van-trip(everything's better in a van,isn't it?)to her parents' summer home,exorcising the bitter memories of an attack in the surrounding woods two years ago by...Jason?Okay,so two years ago,you're telling me via sloppy flashback that when Jason was in grungy mountain mongoloid-mode,he attacks a girl,but is rocking the cleanly bald hydro-head and work outfit(so much thought went into this labour of love,as you can see)and not only did she survive,but she's coming back for more with a van full of cartoonish disposables?A stoner couple that's a throwback to the mid-seventies,an attractive hispanic girl with a temper,a horny young guy and his pregnant girlfriend,and of course,there's Shelly,the fat,awkward,self-deprecating wallflower with the Jew-fro and a bag of pranks and gags.Kill them now,Jason.Kill every one of them now,please.I beseech you!

I surmise that Rick(Paul Kratka)'s demise is nigh as one of his eyes flies through the sky.
First they encounter Abel,this year's model of Crazy Ralph,only more biblical and with more disembodied eyes in his pocket.When they arrive at Higgins Haven,they're met by Chris' boyfriend,Rick,while Jason,who's already there in the barn,shows impeccable timing.Shelly and hot tamale Vera go to the store,but are harrassed by the most unlikely biker gang to grace the screen in ages(one looks punk,and the other two look,well,pretty 80's coked out Rick James-esque,bitch).After a flaccid rumble that ends with Shelly driving over one of their parked motorcycles(someone's always doing that to bikers in the movies,ever notice?),the bikers descend upon the summer home,only to get snuffed by Jason in the barn.When Chris and Rick catch up by going for a leisurely ride,Jason finally exits the barn and puts the rest of these clowns out of their misery.He cuts Shelly's throat,donning the hapless fat loser's goalie mask,then fires a spear across the dock into Vera's open ojo.Inside,Andy and Debbie(Savage)have just hammock-fucked(!),and while he handstands his way to the fridge for beer,Jason splits him in half with a machete like an atom of jackoff-ogen.Debbie eats knifeblade from under the hammock a la Kevin Bacon in the original.He smashes Chuck the burned-out Tommy Chong lookalike into the fuse box and electrocutes him.Chuck's altitude-enhanced other half,Chili takes a red hot poker to the labonza.When Chris and Rick return to an empty house,she sends him out to look around for everyone,but all he finds(in the best moment of the movie,really)is head-squashing,eye-popping death at the hands of that guy in the hockey mask.He chases her around until she leads him into the barn,and after unsuccessfully hanging him,he lifts his mask,revealing himself as her previous attacker.Before he can further terrorize his new favorite,a half-dead Ali the biker springs up to get his hand lopped off,then takes an axe to the misshapen domepiece from Chris while he's preoccupied hacking the bejeezus out of the lifeless soul-roller.She climbs into a canoe and falls asleep in it as it drifts out to the middle of the lake.Whe she awakens,she is terrified to see a bloodied,unmasked Jason alive in a window of the house staring out at her.As he rushes out to attack her once again,the decaying corpse of Mrs. Voorhees springs up from the depths behind her,dragging her under.When the police haul her off,she's clearly lost her marbles in a state of perma-crackers.Jason lies in the barn,with the axe jutting out of his head.Is he dead?If not,what combination of surprise-dunking Voorhees family member plus canoe on the lake will they dream up for the finale of Part Four?You'll have to stay tuned to find out...

Fox(Gloria Charles)gets forked up.
For some blatant and tragic examples of why you shouldn't huff butane on a regular basis,check out the user reviews of this on bloody-disgusting.com,where in some cases,"user" is to be taken quite literally.Dana Kimmel actually sunk lower the next year in Chuck Norris' borefest Lone Wolf McQuade(1983),before eventually bowing out of movies altogether,taking the moral high ground and speaking out against R rated movies.Too late,sister,you were in "Friday the 13th Pt 3 in 3D",ferchrissakes.The lovely Tracie Savage,who earlier had a recurring role on tv's Little House on the Prairie,ended up becoming a high profile news anchor,covering the famous OJ Simpson and Heidi Fleiss trials.Zerner is now an entertainment lawyer with a penchant for television game shows.At least he isn't Shelly anymore.The following year,the 3D phenomena was again temporarily laid to rest with the particularly awful third Jaws movie,which I also endured in the theater.Two years later,Friday the 13th Part Four was released,also titled "The Final Chapter",bringing back FX Whiz Tom Savini to violently off his own twisted creation,but you can see how well that worked out.We'll return to Crystal Lake for more entries at a later date,but frankly,I'm all Ki!Ki!Ki! Ma!Ma!Ma!'ed out at the moment.Next up,another (better)slasher in the same vein...