"El Buque Maldito" (1974) d/ Amando de Ossorio

We really oughta check out another cult classic from Spanish director Amando de Ossorio as things heat up with August just around the corner, this time around,  the third in the "Blind Dead" series popularized by the eyeless, bloodsucking ghouls who share the name of the knighted order, of French origins,  protecting those on holy pilgrimage, dating back to the First Crusade, the Knights Templar. In the first two efforts, Tombs of the Blind Dead  (1971) and Return of the Evil Dead (1973), we saw the murderous hooded zombies drawn by sound terrorizing their hopeless mortal victims on Terra firma, in tonight's review, known alternately as The Ghost Galleon and Horror of the Zombies, the Templars take their atrocious acts out to sea. Genre regs Jack Taylor, Maria Perschy, and Barbara Rey are all on board for the mummified, mist-enshrouded, miniature model mayhem.


"...but I don't wanna listen to Lightfoot records down in the hold!"
As Howard Tucker's (Jack Taylor) latest publicity stunt, two young Spanish models in bikinis are shipwrecked in a small boat in the middle of no-fucking-where-at-all. Their employer, Lillian (Maria Perschy) discloses the secret details to Noemi (Barbara Rey), also a model and one of the stranded girl's roommate/lover, to boot, so she's extra sassy about her little darlin' being returned safely to her. Meanwhile, a strange regional phenomenon occurs when our floating heroines are suddenly surrounded by humid climate, and a thick fog which conceals an otherworldly galleon ("It's only a model." "Shhh."), which they naturally decide to explore in their bikinis, one at a time. Of course, below deck, there are six or so wooden sarcophagi containing about a dozen Knights Templar (like clowns in a Volkswagen) who slowly rise when the sun sets and methodically surround the inquisitive bits of Spanish crumpet, killing them violently, eventually.


"I don't know, the bunny from Donnie Darko? I'm terrible at shadow puppets!"
Tucker vows to find his missing models, after letting one of his henchmen kidnap and rape Noemi, all of which Lillian doesn't seem to have much of a problem with, as she joins Howard, Sergio, Noemi, and a schizo-professor named Gruber, who at first,  insists that the girls will never return, then later jumps at the opportunity to do the exact same thing, as they all embark by boat to the area where the girls were last heard from (judging by the apparent size of the miniature galleon, I'm guessing somewhere in an Alicante bathtub). The search party finds what its looking for, and after boarding the galleon, Noemi gets screamingly parted out by the hooded ghouls while the others stumble upon the Templars' amassed riches in a hidden room below deck. After fending the eyeless Knights off with a burning cross and hokey exorcism cantation from the professor (lucky he had that memorized, eh wot), the men toss the caskets overboard, and float off on a plank of wood while the whole enchilada goes up in flames, which engulf the professor, still aboard. Sergio gets neck-shanked in an aqua-ruck, leaving only Lillian and Howard to wash ashore, exhausted, in the end. But then there's those pesky Templars, resilient as all Hell...


This might not be very scary, but you have to admit, it is pretty metal.
de Ossorio would follow this one up with La noche de los brujos / The Night of the Sorcerers (1974) and 1975's The Possessed before revisiting the Knights Templar for the fourth installment, Night of the Seagulls (1975). Perschy's genre credits during the seventies were many, appearing in such fare as House of Psychotic Women (1975), Exorcismo (1975), and El jorobado de la morgue (1973), all opposite Spanish lycanthrope extraordinaire,  Paul Naschy. The same goes for Taylor, who appeared in things like Franco's Female Vampire (1973),  Leon Klimovsky's Vampire's Night Orgy (1974), and Conan the Barbarian (1982) and Rest in Pieces, later in his career, in 1987. Tonight's review has enough atmosphere and vintage horror feel to muster up a pair of Wops on the scale. Check it out.

 
"We've got these cool (After) Life Alert bracelets. See?"

"La Noche del terror ciego"(1971)d/Amando de Ossorio

When George Romero breathed reanimated life into the zombie sub-genre in the late sixties, he paved the way for directors like Spaniard Amando de Ossorio, who put his own personal flair into 1971's 'La Noche del terror ciego', or 'Tombs of the Blind Dead' as it was known internationally, the first of a popular horror quadrilogy centered around a fictional hooded vampiric mummified version of the Knights Templar, a real life Western Christian military order active during the crusades that was disbanded by Pope Clement V in 1312(On a side note, Templar Grand Master Jacques de Molay was arrested among his French Templar brothers on Friday the 13th in 1307, and formally charged with witchcraft, homosexuality, financial corruption, among other things, giving rise for some, to the date's long-standing superstitious status, though the eyeless blood-drinking immortal-thing was strictly de Ossorio.).Tonight's review is a slow-building gothic romp, moody and well-constructed for the most part, effectively utilizing mechanical puppet-props and costumed actors in bringing the vengeful ghouls to life to wreak havok on the silver screen.The director chooses to focus his lens here on said zombies and the opulent atmosphere of the monasterial ruins of Berzano, with a tease of latin womanflesh thrown in for good exploitative measure, rather than to clutter up his effort with an abundance of unnecessary dialogue, and the result stands as an excellent example of the finest Spanish genre cinema of the decade, and entirely worthwhile viewing.And let's not forget that far out ending-that-I'll-be-unable-to-help-myself-from-spoiling-for-you-in-the-synopsis.Forwards!

"A good Radiesse injection'll clear that nasal blemish of yours in no time..."
While poolside on a getaway in Portugal, Betty(Lone Fleming) reunites with old school chum/sapphic tryst, Virginia(María Elena Arpón), whose wet pal, Roger(Cesar Burner), spontaneously invites her along for the scenic train ride the duo had planned for the following day, mesmerized by the girl's floral print bikini and bouncy ass.After some hard-sell flirting with Betty in their compartment causes Virginia to trot off to the caboose and pout, we're treated to a smoky wisp of a lesbo-flashback where the women, dressed like schoolgirls, pantomime a marriage and roll onto the bed together for some awkward 70's Euro-flavored sexual experimentation.So thaaaaat's what she's pouting about.While the suddenly unwanted Roger comes to grips with his mortally wounded Spanish machismo, Virginia hops off the train near the abandoned ruins of a monastery in Berzano, preferring to have her blood sucked out by reanimated slo-mo Templar knights that rise from their misty tombs that evening than play 'third wheel' with Roger and Betty on the train ride(but not before she manages to half-smoke a few cigarettes, strip naked in front of a roaring bonfire she whips up using a fistful of dead branches, and tune in some happenin' pop music on her transistor radio).While detectives grill Roger and Betty about their newly dead friend after their daylight search of the ruins proves fruitless when the horses they've rented get spooked and trot off, she comes back to life in the morgue and bites the attendant on the neck as he's preoccupied with torturing a live frog in a fishbowl with surgical forceps, before shambling to the Bava-lit mannekin warehouse that Betty works at, only to get incinerated by Nina(Verónica Llimera), Betty's assistant who's working late, putting some finishing gold flake touches on statues of the Egyptian Mother of the Veil of Darkness for H.G. Lewis or something, I dunno.

He just couldn't seem to forget her, her Wind Song stayed on his mind.
Meanwhile at the library, Professor Candal(Francisco Sanz) relates the Templars' haematic history via flashback where most of the order stand around and look at each other emptily while knights on horseback repeatedly hack a bound-n-screaming maiden's bra-fillers with their swords, before drinking the flowing blood, thus, gaining immortality through the wicked ceremony.The fuzz make the scene, blaming Virginia's murder on Candal's smuggler son(a librarian and a smuggler, this family rules), Pedro(José Thelman), but offer zero follow up, causing Roger and Betty to join forces with the sweaty pit-stained criminal and his ready-for-action girlfriend in spending the night amidst the haunted monastery ruins.What the foursome is out to prove is anybody's guess, but it's not long before Pedro's arm candy tries to seduce Roger, arguing that Betty is out exploring with Pedro, and only a naive fool couldn't guess where that's gonna lead.Why, rape amidst the grave markers, of course.The absurdity of Betty's seeming post-sex attack consent(or it might be the midnight bells, who knows for sure) draws the hooded fiends from their tombs, and they set upon Pedro in slow motion, as Roger frantically bangs on the barricaded door while Betty and Pedro's gal pick the most inopportune time to have a knock down, drag out cat fight, earning their male associate a sword-amputated arm, which he soon dies from.The smuggler's girlfriend alerts the ghouls to her whereabouts by screaming her fool head off, and they reward her by biting her to death.Betty manages to limp into the coutryside with a sprained ankle, ahead of the galloping knights somehow, and is spotted by the passing train, which reluctantly stops to rescue her, only succeeding in letting all the Templars aboard(!), killing all the passengers; one screaming child is doused in her own mother's blood(!!), while shock-ridden Betty slumps undetected into the train's coal supply.When the train is forced to stop at the next juncture, harrowing screams soon fill the air...

These Spanish broads know how to party.
de Ossorio would revisit the Templars with El Ritorno de los Muertos Sin Ojos(1973), El Buque Maldito(1974), and La Noche de los Gaviotas(1975)(all of which we'll get around to examining right here, I promise you), as well as other genre efforts like Malenka(1969), Las Garras de Lorelei(1974), La endemoniada(1975), and Serpiente de mar(1984), before passing away at the age of 82 in 2001.Lone Fleming would score genre credits in the '73 sequel, Una vela para el diablo(1973), Malocchio(1975), and de Ossorio's own La endemoniada.María Elena Arpón also appeared in 1969's The House That Screamed and opposite Paul Naschy in El jorobado de la Morgue(1973).Interestingly, a '90s NYC-based Oi band would dub itself 'The Templars', and though some of their shows I've been to may have erupted in tasty bits o' violence, I can't recall any blood-drinking going on.At least, not out in the open, anyway.On the scale Noche earns three solid Wops, with it's effectively creepy score, gothic scares, and optimum locales, a worthy Euro-shocker that's packed full of atmosphere.Hunt down a copy and check it out yourselves.

"Favor perdóname, Vermudo, sus lesiones son apenas perceptibles..."

"Malenka"(1969)d/Amando de Ossorio

Should be returning to the regular grind here shortly,I've been busy tapping out my first screenplay,and frankly,I'm pretty excited about it.All I'm gonna say about it at this point,is that it's a modern American giallo with some really strong character studies,and loads of inventive shocking deaths.
I'm a huge fan of the late Amando de Ossorio's Blind Dead series(Tombs of the Blind Dead,Return of the Evil Dead,Ghost Galleon,Night of the Seagulls) starring the Knights Templar zombies.Now that I've gotten that out of the way,my conscience is clear to talk about Malenka,his first foray into the horror genre,released under a multitude of aliases since 1969.In fact if you watch one of his later horror ventures then follow it up with this number,you'll probably be scratching your head as to how someone with such a clear vision and grasp on cinematic atmosphere could be responsible for writing AND directing such a fucking boring movie.His campy attempts at humour peppered throughout the overly long running time are less funny than the American dub/cut of Dracula and Son(1979),and that's no easy task,friends.Anita Ekberg spends half the movie looking like a top heavy Shirley Temple,avoiding the flaccid fangery of her uncle,who has to be in the top five least threatening vampires of all time,with his mouse shoulders and turtleneck.Hell,he even gets knuckledusted by a skinny Italian guy.Strength of twenty men,my ass.

"I'll check out this bacteria culture once I've finished my Lucky Strike."
A Roman model named Sylvia(Anita Ekberg) is two weeks from marriage to her fiancee, a handsome young doctor named Pietro(Gianni Medici),when she receives word that she's inherited a castle and Countess title from her late mother."Something fantastic has happened to me!" she relates to Pietro and Max,his stereotypically goofy Italian sidekick.Funny,but I've never heard anybody use the word fantastic when receiving news that their mother just died but hey,I liked mine.Sylvia leaves her boyfriend behind to travel to the family castle,stopping to imbibe a frothy beer at the pub,and freaking out the townspeople when she announces that she's the new Countess.If only they could see the baloney curls she's gonna give herself in the next scene,then they'd know what true terror is.At the castle, she's greeted that night by Count Walbrooke(Julian Ugarte'),who shows her a younger,sexier painting of herself in a brunette wig,and informs her that it's her granny,Malenka,a woman roasted at the stake for dabbling in the black arts,forever cursing all descendants to an eternity of vampirism.He then forces her to write a "Dear Pietro" letter to her squeeze,informing her that she carries the family blood,and is doomed to drink the red stuff,too.

This vampire could use a good impaling,if you catch my drift.
Pietro and Max,apparently not hindered by a closed work schedule,set off for the castle because,well,you know,one letter from a broad telling him it's all over written in her handwriting isn't usually enough discouragement for the average guy,right?Just as they arrive in the village,they're forced to examine boob-heavy anemic grog wenches,which the local doctor slags off from behind his ever-filled stein of booze.Meanwhile,Sylvia bears witness to strange behavior from her uncle,who enjoys chaining up fellow vampire,Blinka(Adriana Ambesi),and whipping her into submission.He tries forcing his niece to drink a goblet of his blood,and in one of the more convolutedly messy finales I've seen in a long time,demands that she drinks from her fiancee who's chained barechested to a post,while two female vampires catfight with a torch.During this hair-pulling extravaganza,which the Count is so mesmerized by that he fails to notice Sylvia freeing her beau from his chains over a several minute period,allowing Pietro to sock the effeminate blooddrinker in the mush,knocking him into a chair,where he is jabbed with a burning stake in the labonza.The papier mache covered skeleton burns.The couple returns to Rome,with Max revealing that Blinka has transformed him into a vampire,happily chasing a screaming grog wench during broad daylight over the end credits.Uhhh,yeah.

"Mr. Carradine! This hardly qualifies as a script reading!"
De Ossorio's original script played out like a precursor to a Scooby Doo episode,with Sylvia's scheming uncle using the vampirism curse as an excuse to get his hands on her inheritance money(and he would have done,if it wasn't for you meddling Italians!),but the producers balked,forcing the director to shoot real vampire sequences,which probably adds to the on-screen confusion that's abound here.As for Ekberg,the former Swedish sexbomb of the 50's was forced to toil in an assload of b-movies throughout the sixties and seventies,with Killer Nun(1979) and Cicciabomba(1982)(aka/the incredibly titled Fatty Girl Goes to New York)among her later credits.There's no blood to mention here,no thrills,no shocks,not even a laugh to be found.Depressing,really.I wouldn't recommend this title to anyone save for de Ossorio or Ekberg completists,and even then,with ample pre-warnings attached.Malenka gets staked through its limp heart with a scale rating of:

A 150 year reign of terror ends in flames and papier mache.