"The Boy in the Plastic Bubble"(1976)d/Randal Kleiser

Long before Travolta became the 'creepy, tubby middle-aged guy in the see-thru closet'(Is he out yet?), he portrayed the fabled 'boy in the plastic bubble' in a glorious made-for-television production full of unintentional laughs, bobbler-heavy mid-seventies teen foxes, and an extra-goofy Kotter-era Travolta walking around in public in an orange velour space suit with a tube sticking out of the top of his head, that you could probably pick up a shitty copy of on dvd for less than the price of a can of rash-inducing generic Mexican Pringles(Chingales, I think they're called...) at the local Dollar Store.For serious.I can't recall exactly which discount department store bargain bin I snared tonight's entry out of, for sure, but it was well worth the buck, crappy, washed out direct-from-vhs transfer and all.Helping Barbarino unsuccessfully attempt to tug at my heartstrings here are Robert "Brady Bunch" Reed(with and without paedo-stache and cauco-afro), Glynnis "Ode to Billy Jo" O'Connor, PJ "Halloween" Soles, John "The Wanderers" Friedrich, and even astronaut Buzz Aldrin in a cameo.Director Randal Kleiser has been churning out some headscratching shit for decades, helming tonight's feature before piloting the single most annoying musical of all-time(aren't they all?)just two years later.This is yet another one of those doomed romance tearjerkers tv studios loved throwing at you back in the day, and maybe I'm just a heartless sonofabitch, but it really doesn't work as such.Who am I kidding, "maybe"...

De-germify those righteous bikini-busters and meet me in my bubble, baby...
We're introduced to the Lubitsches, a luckless couple named Johnny and Mickey(Robert Reed,Diana Hyland), whose attempts to conceive a child to this point have ended with immune deficient newborns that stood less chance outside an incubator than a banana snack cake with methaqualone icing in Elvis Presley's lazy susan.They're visited in the seventies-esque-looking fifties by Dr. Gunther(Ralph Bellamy) who fans the flames of hope and informs them they've gotten pregnant again.Maybe this time it'll be diff...yeah, it's not any different from the failed past pregnancies, except that their baby boy survives past birth this time, and blossoms into a teenaged Vinnie Barbarino(John Travolta as Tod) thanks to a hermetically sealed germ-free hamster cage that he's kept in at the house.Tod's parents decide to let him attend high school via live closed circuit television camera feed, but he mostly uses the equipment to further spy on his female next-door neighbor, Gina Biggs(Glynnis O'Connor), who's blossomed, herself, into a foxy cigarette-smoking, make-out-on-the-couch teenager with dynamite jugs.At first, Gina's only interested in teasing her neighbor, strolling in wearing a bikini while he pops and locks to groovy instrumentals in his bubble like a skinny white Rerun from "What's Happening", and holding his rubber glove-hand through his portable incu-bubble on the beach just to win a money bet with her friends, leaving the sterilized sweathog all weepy-like and dramatic.In a low karmic state due to her prior bubble boy-ballbusting, Gina volunteers herself(for cash)to drop off Tod's books everyday after school and in return, Tod tutors her in all the subjects she's failing for the money his father's been paying her.Before too long, Tod's got her galloping around his port-a-bubble in the field on her pony(she's got a fucking pony...did an eight year old girl write this?)and equestrian show-jumping over him to the dismay of his nurse, who just happens to be "Momma" from "Throw Momma From the Train"(1987).

The Friday night Movie of the Week equivalent of Fonzie jumping the shark.
Somewhere along the way, he crosses paths with Roy(John Friedrich), a teen who is also bubble-bound, and discusses masturbation frequency with him.Tod is also visited by astronaut Buzz Aldrin(as himself), who stumbles over dialogue like a couple of sterno bums making a late night racket outside Paulie's window in Rocky III, giving Tod the notion that he should possibly venture out into the world in an orange velour space suit.In public.Where people could see him...in the space suit.You see where I'm going with this.Naturally, all the other twenty-somethings playing teenagers at school gawk and stare at him, and while he's recharging his battery pack, they take him out to the football field where they can burn a quick jibber(cut from some television edits) and ask him some stupid questions.Tod turns down the reefer, as it'd be pretty hard to pull a hit in his fucking space suit, and claims to be from a distant planet in the farthest reaches of space, even challenging Gina's usual love interest, Tom, to a contest of push ups, before his suit goes on the fritz(must have forgotten he was a bubble boy momentarily)and is rushed back to his aquarium, pron-fucking-to.Before too long, the fruits of Tod's tutelage pay off, with Gina's improved report card meriting her a college scholarship away from home.Tod pow-wows with Dr. Gunther, who hasn't aged a minute's worth since the boy was born(how's that done, Hollywood!), about his immunities and how they've strengthened over the years, but speculation concerning bubble-departure should be just that, as he'd surely explode Scanners-style or something if he tried to sneak out.Willing to risk it all for love, Tod strolls out of his bubble in the middle of the night, rousing Gina from her sleep next door, so they can ride off on her pony together as the sun rises.Seriously.If I don't have diabetes after a sugar-coated dump ending like that, I probably never will.

Sweathogs in orange velour space suits turn P.J. Soles on.
Cheers to Cool Ass Cinema, for digging up the vintage TV Guide advertisement for tonight's review.Visit them frequently and let 'em know that Wop sent ya.Kleiser teamed up with Travolta again two years later for that fucking musical-that-shall-not-be-named(no, not the Travolta-in-Divine-fatsuit for Hairspray musical remake, the other atrocity with Olivia Newton John), also directing Brooke Shields in her island cherry-popapalooza, The Blue Lagoon(1980), Big Top Pee Wee(1988), and even two episodes of Family in '76.Travolta enjoyed a months-long liason with Diana Nyland, who was eighteen years older than him(that's right, he passed on the sexy little O'Connor gal for a cougar living on borrowed time) and going through divorce preceedings, before she succumbed while he was filming Saturday Night Fever(1978)."What Would They Say", the theme song as penned and cackled by unlengthy songster Paul"Phantom of the Paradise" Williams, is as unsexy as a Whoopi Goldberg sex tape, to say the least.Reed, a thespian long forced into small screen astroturf hijinks on The Brady Bunch, enjoyed a busy acting career as a secretive homosexual until, hiv positive, he died of colon cancer and lymphoma at age 59.O'Connor has had a long television career, even acting opposite another 70's teen idol, Robby Benson, in a few films.On the scale, Bubble is three wops deep, and a must-see for any self-respecting woprophile out there.Worse things you could spend a buck on, believe me...

Oh yeah?Well, up yer orange velour space suit with a rubbah hose!

"The Devil's Rain"(1975)d/Robert Fuest

Okay,dig this scenario,boys:You've got Robert "Dr.Phibes" Fuest directing a satanic cult-based horror movie,which has Anton LaVey on board as a technical advisor,a cast that includes Ernest Borgnine,William Shatner,Ida Lupino,Eddie Albert,Tom Skerritt,and an eyeless Vinnie Barbarino,you've got Ellis Burman handling the makeup effects,and "Absolutely the most incredible ending of any motion picture" as a tagline.Couple all of that with delectable sneak-peak coverage in Famous Monsters way back when,and color me a kid who'd eat the green stuff on his dinner plate AND promise not to drill Aunt Eleanor in the floating ribs with a football as she walked up the hill carrying two armloads of brown bagged groceries just to see what promised to be a horror-shocker of epic proportions.Boy,I'm glad I ultimately never gave either of those in writing after finally seeing it.
Despite the fact that much of the civilized world despises the shit out of this movie,and having taken part in it probably delegated poor Fuest to Afternoon Special-Hell,directing tele-pictures for the remainder of his career,I can straight-facedly say that I do not hate it.Sure,it's a letdown when,by "most incredible ending" the film's producers simply meant "long",but it doesn't deserve Sea Monkey-letdown status,by any means.You know,you're six or seven years old reading your D.C. horror anthology comic books and you see the ad with the lure of adopting a little pink antennae-headed family of pals,and you get sent a packet of brine shrimp eggs.Unlike the "sea monkeys",which ate swirling,metallic kitchen drain-death,this film doesn't totally blow.Just mostly.

Mark Preston(The Shat-in-a-hat) demands a kosher ham-off with Corbis(Borgnine).
John Corbis(Ernest Borgnine) is a pot-bellied,gap-toothed satanic priest,at odds with the Preston family down through the ages for their betrayal and thievery of his unholy book o'signatures.You see,Corbis can capture people's immortal souls in this bulky,watermelon-shaped vessel with an ornate ram's head thrown on top for good measure,causing them to wander about in black hooded robes,eyeless pawns of evil,but without the book o'Hancocks,he's unable to deliver them down to the despicable duke of dirty-dealings himself.He captures the father of the family,then sends him back to them,demanding his stolen property and warning them of Corbis' pissoffedness, before the patriarch melts into a puddle of candlewaxy blech.Preston's son,Mark(William Shatner) is sent off to a dusty western movie backlot to confront the foul priest,armed with a gaudy crucifix pendant the size of a miniature horse,and a handgun.The two men square off in the desolate satanic church,but Preston's overdelivered Lord's Prayer is no match for the beerbellied parlour tricks of the Devil's disciple(and some cheap trick photography),who turns the crucifix into a relatively harmless constrictor,and introduces the man to his own eyeless mother,as one of the flock.Preston vainly flees,barrelling through robed retards like a Jewish Ken Foree on a Monroeville Mall shopping spree,cowboy hat in tow,but is eventually overtaken by Mephistopheles' moonies.

"Mistuh Kottuh!You ain' gon' belie' dis.Da othah Sweathogs stole mah eyes!"
Enter Mark's older brother,Tom(Tom Skerritt),who,along with his wife and Dr. Richards(Eddie Albert as a fucking psychic researcher,by God!!!),has been searching for his missing bro.After finding the church and jacking a nifty black robe,Tom slips in unnoticed among the foul flock to bear witness to the ceremony where Mark is transformed into an eyeless goon for the anti-good guys,and Corbis changes himself into,well,Corbis with a bit of latex,crepe wool,and some ram horns on top.The all-powerful priest finally discovers the intruder(you're probably more apt to have intruders when your following all wear bulky black robes),but Tom escapes.
Tom and Richards find the book Corbis has been looking for(just under the floorboards in the living room of the house Corbis had previously turned upside down,along with poor Woody "They had no eyesssss!" Chambliss,earlier in the picture...I would think if this book was so friggin' important to the Devil himself,his right hand man might have been,I dunno,a little more thorough in searching for it?),and while searching for the means to destroy Corbis in his empty church,they stumble upon the titular Devil's Rain soul-housing whatchamacallit,but leave the book unguarded,so that an eyeless sweathog(Travolta) can return it to Corbis.Just when it looks hopeless for the powers of righteous religious persecution in the name of Jesus Christ,eyeless Mark has a moment of humanity,and smashes the container.At this point,the roof of the church explodes,and a torrential rain covers all inside,causing everyone on the side of H-E-double hockey sticks to start melting.Thoroughly.About twenty drippy,gooey,bubbling minutes worth.Seriously,like,the edited television version inserted a commercial break somewhere in the middle of the melt,and after watching some anorexic coke whores walkin' cocky with Sassoon jeans on,you were back to Goat-nine's putrid,drippy,eye-hanging face melting into a puddle of tan liquid goo.But I digress.The church explodes,and Tom hugs his wife triumphantly afterwards,unaware that it's really Corbis in one of his tricky disguises,and his wife's soul is wailing away inside a new clear satanic watermelon.Duh duh DUH!The trick ending rears its ugly head once again.

Goat-nine sinisterly proclaims,"Apart from the Burman makeup effects herein,this movie is pretty baaaaaaaaaaad!"
...so yeah,there are enough quality cheese-factor elements in place here that might make for a marginally enjoyable experience for you,the cast honorably trudges through the candlewax,Shat and Borg,excellent as always,the effects are very good for the time period(the finale's eternal meltageddon included),and somewhere in here are a few creepy moments that keep the entire production from dipping(dripping?)into worthlessness.All-in-all,an average entry that should have earned a much,much higher Wopsploitation scale rating than it ended up scoring.I guess that'd be the letdown I was rambling about earlier.And,for the record,Aunt Eleanor,I apologize about your floating ribs,wherever you are.

A.....vessel....full of....souls,you say?


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