"12 Days of Terror" (2004) d/ Jack Sholder

Sorry about the delay between reviews, I'm finally outta the hospital and back at the front lines of fear, once again. As we take the last few drags on a summer cigarette here at the Wop, let's look at a made-for-television movie documenting the historic New Jersey shark attacks of 1916 that would eventually inspire Benchley, Spielberg and company to change the game forever with the horrific (PG-rated, which is still unbelievable to me) Jaws sixty years later. In the directorial chair was Jack Sholder, who you'll remember from genre efforts like 1982's Alone in the Dark, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985), and The Hidden (1987), while script duties were shared by none other than Tommy Lee Wallace of Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) and television miniseries It (1990) fame. In front of the camera, you've got soap opera heartthrob Colin Egglesfield and Gimli himself, John Rhys-Davies, who only agreed to appear if Animal Planet (where tonight's review was first broadcast) gave his beard it's own reality series. Just kidding about that last part...


"You're such a blatherskite. I don't pay any mind to your balderdash or your poppycock."
From July 1st to the 12th of that particular month in the year of nineteen and sixteen, long before it would be overtaken by ab-obsessed guidos and meathead paisan chicks that make the shallows look like the Mariana Trench, the shores off of the state of New Jersey were terrorized by unseen cartilaginous terror from the murky ocean depths. Alex (Colin Egglesfield) is a lifeguard plagued with good looks, a complex love triangle with his best chum (Mark Dexter) and his current bride-to-be, Alice (Jenna Harrison), who he may or may not have shared some fluids of the non-sarsparilla variety with, and the current climate of beach bathers leaving the surf with large tell-tale bites taken out of them he also shares with his fellow Garden Staters. Shark? Who's ever even heard of those in this era of the Black Tom explosion of '16, in Jersey City, no less? Those damned Germans!


"Since you won't be wearing those swell new calfskin loafers again, you can always hand 'em over to this fellow."
Naturally, the first attack falls upon ignorant ears in town, and even the second one merits only the most minor of precautions in the form of a flimsy off shore fence that wouldn't keep Kevin Smith out of a box of Devil Dogs. Then there's the grizzled Captain (John Rhys-Davies) who's reluctant to sign on and fish the horrible beasty out of the drink so folks can try that new beach bathing lotion on, in their full form bathing suits, usually striped. He later notices it swimming upstream into a Matawan creek towards your obligatory oblivious boys in the water, splashing about in their youthful quest for aquatic horseplay, but no one puts too much faith in the word of a drunk. The lifeguard meets the same resistance, taking it personally when the shark bites off a sizable portion of his best mate, killing the poor chap. Still, the authorities refuse to close the beaches. You can figure out where this one is gonna end up if you've read the book of the same name, or seen Jaws (1975).


"Northern Fur Seal or human gastrocnemius muscle? I'm terribly confused, indeed..."
The producers of the film would have you believe that a Great White was the culprit in these historic attacks, but the laziest of research will inform the reader that at least one of these must have been perpetrated by it's smaller, more aggressive, more adaptable cousin, the Bull shark. Hell, they even murder in fresh water if the fancy arises. All in all, the effects weren't half bad for a tv movie, especially a made-for-AnimalPlanet movie.There's nothing particularly memorable here, though, for genre fans, and with chicks wearing era accurate bathing suits, there isn't much in the way of cheap thrills to be had, either. It may have taken me two sittings to watch all the way through, but the anesthetic and pain meds I had flooding my system all week have left me slightly cloudy on that detail. Still gotta be better than Sharknado (2013) or Three-Headed Shark Attack (2015), obviously a sequel to Two-headed Shark Attack (2012). What the fuck happened...What in the actual fuck, as today's snot-nosed punks have been heard saying. Two Wops.


"I fancy sunbathing with knock-kneed women.", says Not-Clint (John Rhys-Davies).

"The Last Dinosaur" (1977) d/ Alex Grasshoff, Tom Kotani

I couldn't wait for Friday night to arrive, when my seven year old eyes came upon the above advertisement for tonight's review in that week's TV Guide, impressive as all Hell to a little dinosaur-friendly bastard like I was at the time, with the Tyrant Lizard topping my list of faves. Co-starring with Toru Kawai in a baggy Japanese kaiju suit (the quadrupedal dinosaurs are handled by two actors,  pantomime horse-style!) are the likes of Richard "I Bury the Living" Boone, Joan Van Ark in her most challenging role ever (she's got to kiss Richard Boone), Steven Keats, and a whole tribe of Japanese cavemen.


"Unplug the projector, Bunta. I've got you covered!"
After a catchy Bond-esque theme song belted out by Nancy Wilson (the jazz vocalist, not the "Crazy on You" chick), we meet Masten Thrust (Richard Boone), as he's entertaining a young concubine with his exploits as the last great white hunter, in his curio room, filled with taxidermied big game from all over the world. After he's bagged her on his private Leer with a functional fireplace, he sends her packing with a solid gold bullet as a memento. It's love 'em and leave 'em for Thrust, as he's about to embark on his latest adventure: a trip directly into the pocket of a polar ice cap inside an amphibious drill called the Polar Borer, naturally, with a crack accompanying team consisting of Dr. Kawamoto, who'll be gathering samples, Chuck Wade (Steven Keats), the lone survivor of the last mission,  who will provide ample back-sass and complaints and get called a ding dong for his efforts, a savvy photographer named "Frankie" (Joan Van Ark) who actually pretends to be sexually attracted to Thrust to land a seat, and a Maasai tracker named Bunta (Luther Rackley).


Racial stereotypes: Still funny enough for tv audiences in 1977.
After Thurst and Frankie are nearly trampled by a pantomime uintatherium, a saggy T-Rex with a lopsided face sneaks up on Kawamoto and squashes him like a bug before prodding and pushing their drill-ride back all the way back to the dinosaur bone yard set it calls home. The stranded Thrust, a seasoned hunter, loses his rifle in minutes, yells an awful lot, murders the Japanese caveman chief with a makeshift crossbow bolt, pushes around his new Japanese cave squeeze, Hazel (Masumi Sekiya), and even builds an elaborate catapult that has no effect on the monster's flexible latex skull. Frankie never runs out of makeup (months later) and the gang play Hot Potato with a plucked chicken while the tyrannosaur has a bloody battle with a pantomime Triceratops, and eventually adds Bunta to his list of victims, before Wade and Frankie realize that Thrust is finally in his element, and has no intention of returning to civilization with them after Wade stumbles upon the Polar Borer and improbably Fitzcarraldo's it back to the lagoon with her help. In a revolting last ditch effort,  Frankie offers to be Eve to Thrust's Adam (Adam's grandfather, more like), but the stubborn hunter, the real last dinosaur, is left behind with his hairy arm candy and we're left with a refrain of that aforementioned theme over end credits.


"...The fuck just pierced my cardiac muscle?"
Though a seven year old me undoubtedly dug the shit out of tonight's review, thirty-seven years have left me more critical to the mostly laughable affair. The Tsubaraya Productions suit-mation isn't quite up to the late Eiji's standards, with it's spotlight T-Rex suit not on par with Toho's earlier Gorosaurus, but slightly more impressive than the Allosaurus puppet on Land of the Lost, which isn't saying much, really, considering the suit is the best one on display in the movie. If you listen carefully (and you've seen as many Toho movies as I have), you can hear that the dinosaur's roar is a combination of Gargantua/King Kong and Godzilla. On the scale, I gave Dinosaur two Wops for the nostalgic kick I got out of it and also, for the memorably cantankerous Boone performance. Worth a look.


Looks like a Tricera-bottoms to me.

"The Boy in the Plastic Bubble"(1976)d/Randal Kleiser

Long before Travolta became the 'creepy, tubby middle-aged guy in the see-thru closet'(Is he out yet?), he portrayed the fabled 'boy in the plastic bubble' in a glorious made-for-television production full of unintentional laughs, bobbler-heavy mid-seventies teen foxes, and an extra-goofy Kotter-era Travolta walking around in public in an orange velour space suit with a tube sticking out of the top of his head, that you could probably pick up a shitty copy of on dvd for less than the price of a can of rash-inducing generic Mexican Pringles(Chingales, I think they're called...) at the local Dollar Store.For serious.I can't recall exactly which discount department store bargain bin I snared tonight's entry out of, for sure, but it was well worth the buck, crappy, washed out direct-from-vhs transfer and all.Helping Barbarino unsuccessfully attempt to tug at my heartstrings here are Robert "Brady Bunch" Reed(with and without paedo-stache and cauco-afro), Glynnis "Ode to Billy Jo" O'Connor, PJ "Halloween" Soles, John "The Wanderers" Friedrich, and even astronaut Buzz Aldrin in a cameo.Director Randal Kleiser has been churning out some headscratching shit for decades, helming tonight's feature before piloting the single most annoying musical of all-time(aren't they all?)just two years later.This is yet another one of those doomed romance tearjerkers tv studios loved throwing at you back in the day, and maybe I'm just a heartless sonofabitch, but it really doesn't work as such.Who am I kidding, "maybe"...

De-germify those righteous bikini-busters and meet me in my bubble, baby...
We're introduced to the Lubitsches, a luckless couple named Johnny and Mickey(Robert Reed,Diana Hyland), whose attempts to conceive a child to this point have ended with immune deficient newborns that stood less chance outside an incubator than a banana snack cake with methaqualone icing in Elvis Presley's lazy susan.They're visited in the seventies-esque-looking fifties by Dr. Gunther(Ralph Bellamy) who fans the flames of hope and informs them they've gotten pregnant again.Maybe this time it'll be diff...yeah, it's not any different from the failed past pregnancies, except that their baby boy survives past birth this time, and blossoms into a teenaged Vinnie Barbarino(John Travolta as Tod) thanks to a hermetically sealed germ-free hamster cage that he's kept in at the house.Tod's parents decide to let him attend high school via live closed circuit television camera feed, but he mostly uses the equipment to further spy on his female next-door neighbor, Gina Biggs(Glynnis O'Connor), who's blossomed, herself, into a foxy cigarette-smoking, make-out-on-the-couch teenager with dynamite jugs.At first, Gina's only interested in teasing her neighbor, strolling in wearing a bikini while he pops and locks to groovy instrumentals in his bubble like a skinny white Rerun from "What's Happening", and holding his rubber glove-hand through his portable incu-bubble on the beach just to win a money bet with her friends, leaving the sterilized sweathog all weepy-like and dramatic.In a low karmic state due to her prior bubble boy-ballbusting, Gina volunteers herself(for cash)to drop off Tod's books everyday after school and in return, Tod tutors her in all the subjects she's failing for the money his father's been paying her.Before too long, Tod's got her galloping around his port-a-bubble in the field on her pony(she's got a fucking pony...did an eight year old girl write this?)and equestrian show-jumping over him to the dismay of his nurse, who just happens to be "Momma" from "Throw Momma From the Train"(1987).

The Friday night Movie of the Week equivalent of Fonzie jumping the shark.
Somewhere along the way, he crosses paths with Roy(John Friedrich), a teen who is also bubble-bound, and discusses masturbation frequency with him.Tod is also visited by astronaut Buzz Aldrin(as himself), who stumbles over dialogue like a couple of sterno bums making a late night racket outside Paulie's window in Rocky III, giving Tod the notion that he should possibly venture out into the world in an orange velour space suit.In public.Where people could see him...in the space suit.You see where I'm going with this.Naturally, all the other twenty-somethings playing teenagers at school gawk and stare at him, and while he's recharging his battery pack, they take him out to the football field where they can burn a quick jibber(cut from some television edits) and ask him some stupid questions.Tod turns down the reefer, as it'd be pretty hard to pull a hit in his fucking space suit, and claims to be from a distant planet in the farthest reaches of space, even challenging Gina's usual love interest, Tom, to a contest of push ups, before his suit goes on the fritz(must have forgotten he was a bubble boy momentarily)and is rushed back to his aquarium, pron-fucking-to.Before too long, the fruits of Tod's tutelage pay off, with Gina's improved report card meriting her a college scholarship away from home.Tod pow-wows with Dr. Gunther, who hasn't aged a minute's worth since the boy was born(how's that done, Hollywood!), about his immunities and how they've strengthened over the years, but speculation concerning bubble-departure should be just that, as he'd surely explode Scanners-style or something if he tried to sneak out.Willing to risk it all for love, Tod strolls out of his bubble in the middle of the night, rousing Gina from her sleep next door, so they can ride off on her pony together as the sun rises.Seriously.If I don't have diabetes after a sugar-coated dump ending like that, I probably never will.

Sweathogs in orange velour space suits turn P.J. Soles on.
Cheers to Cool Ass Cinema, for digging up the vintage TV Guide advertisement for tonight's review.Visit them frequently and let 'em know that Wop sent ya.Kleiser teamed up with Travolta again two years later for that fucking musical-that-shall-not-be-named(no, not the Travolta-in-Divine-fatsuit for Hairspray musical remake, the other atrocity with Olivia Newton John), also directing Brooke Shields in her island cherry-popapalooza, The Blue Lagoon(1980), Big Top Pee Wee(1988), and even two episodes of Family in '76.Travolta enjoyed a months-long liason with Diana Nyland, who was eighteen years older than him(that's right, he passed on the sexy little O'Connor gal for a cougar living on borrowed time) and going through divorce preceedings, before she succumbed while he was filming Saturday Night Fever(1978)."What Would They Say", the theme song as penned and cackled by unlengthy songster Paul"Phantom of the Paradise" Williams, is as unsexy as a Whoopi Goldberg sex tape, to say the least.Reed, a thespian long forced into small screen astroturf hijinks on The Brady Bunch, enjoyed a busy acting career as a secretive homosexual until, hiv positive, he died of colon cancer and lymphoma at age 59.O'Connor has had a long television career, even acting opposite another 70's teen idol, Robby Benson, in a few films.On the scale, Bubble is three wops deep, and a must-see for any self-respecting woprophile out there.Worse things you could spend a buck on, believe me...

Oh yeah?Well, up yer orange velour space suit with a rubbah hose!

"Helter Skelter"(1976)d/Tom Gries

Tonight's entry, a made-for-television event spanning two nights back in April of 1976, is perhaps the most famous of the films concerning the Tate/LaBianca murders, based on the bestselling 1974 book by Curt Gentry and Vincent Bugliosi, who was prosecutor in the historic trial itself.Nominated for three Emmys, it had a theatrical release overseas with additional nudity and violence, as evidenced by the choice blood red Aussie daybill that creeped out my ex-wife until I finally tucked it away in a closet, pictured above.Despite the poster's place in my collection and my insistance to stay up late both nights when Skelter originally aired(I pulled it off, somehow, too), the Gries-helmed vehicle isn't my favorite take on Charlie and pals by a long shot, due to the talky, investigation/courtroom approach it favors, focusing on Bugliosi's victorious Beatles-driven race war motive from right field, instead of the barely touched upon far out lifestyle and psyche of the hippie kooks at the center of the bloody slayings.What is exceptional about the production to me, are the performances of George DiCenzo as Bugliosi, and more so, Steve Railsback as the pint-sized prophet himself.As I've stated before, Manson isn't an easily recreatable character for the screen, as proven by the failure of films like The Manson Massacre(1972) and The Helter Skelter Murders(1970) in conveying that twinkle of pure hallucinogenic lunacy the magnetic little guy is blanketed in, to audiences.Railsback completely fucking nails it right off the bat, but isn't given enough of the nearly two hundred minute running time to truly shine.Also notable here are performances by Nancy Wolfe as an extra sexy Sexy Sadie, and scream queen extraordinaire Marilyn "TCM" Burns as "Darling" Kasabian, who turned state's evidence.Hell, you can even find Eileen(Pazuzu's spectral grillpiece in "The Exorcist")Dietz, Robert(Sam from "Quincy M.E.")Ito, and even Bart(Binzer from "Vega$")Braverman among the cast if you look hard enough.Forwards.

Somebody stick a fork in Leno(Al Checco), I think he's done.
Gunshots cut through the silence during the early morning hours, signalling the death of the Age of Aquarius and the beginnings of one of the most bizarre criminal trials in American history, as partially narrated by prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi(George DiCenzo).One of Tate's neighbors is called in by the police later that morning to i.d. the brutalized bodies that had been shot, stabbed, roped, and/or beaten(in some cases, all four).The gore is brief and understated, but he hurls his guts in the bushes anyway after seeing Sharon's lifeless, pregnant body on the floor.The LaBiancas, returning to town by car, read the shocking headlines in the newspaper then become the next morning's headlines themselves.Cops pursue the dope angle and remark at the similarity between the Beatles White Album song titles and messages written in blood at the crime scenes.A boy finds the pistol used in the killings and his father turns it in to the authorities, where it sits in evidence for months unnoticed.They raid the Spahn Movie Ranch, arresting a skein of dirty hippies for Grand Theft Auto(the charge, not the game, youngbloods.).In jail, Sadie(Nancy Wolfe) grooves on the sounds of a transistor radio and gleefully relates all the gruesome details of the murders to Ronnie Howard(the petty criminal, not the flameheaded kid who sings "Wells Fargo Wagon" in "The Music Man"(1962), mind you).Bugliosi is named the new prosecutor, and tries to work a deal in exchange for testimony with Straight Satans biker Danny DeCarlo(Rudy Ramos).Ronnie tries to spill her guts but no one seems too interested.Bugliosi grills Family gals for candy, and finds out that Charlie is love.Bugliosi watches Manson(Railsback) being led in by deputies on charges he set fire to an earth mover, and makes Christ jokes.DeCarlo tells of Manson's desire to kill pigs, blame it on the niggers, and start a race war.Leslie Van Houten has selective amnesia under questioning.Tex Watson's fingerprints from a prior drug bust match ones found at the crime scenes.Warrants are issued for Watson, Kasabian, and Krenwinkle.

"...Do you feel like wolf kabob Roth vantage? Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube; bear-ramage. Jigiji geeji geeja geeble Google. Begep flagaggle vaggle veditch-waggle bagga?"
Sadie tells all(sex with Charlie,"the infinite", murder details), then later denies it.Accomplice Linda Kasabian(Marilyn Burns)agrees to testify and Atkins' plea bargain is dropped.Bugliosi's watch stops in court as Manson stares at him.The discarded murder scene clothes are discovered in a canyon, and the pistol that's been in limbo is finally matched up as Bugliosi notices the Beatles tie-in.Ex-Mansonite Paul Watkins helps cross the t's and dot the i's for the young prosecutor, then almost dies in a suspicious fire for his troubles.Manson girls gather outside the Hall of Justice as the trial begins.Kasabian details her introduction to the family and later, the details of August 9th and 10th to the jury.The female defendants laugh, giggle, and respond in unison.Manson flips his lid in front of everyone then tells that his father is the jailhouse and he is simply a reflection of what everyone else has made him, and the girls tearfully cheer him on, shouting out loud until all defendants are removed from the courtroom.Bugliosi wraps his arguments and pushes his 'Helter Skelter' motive.The jury finds them guilty of all charges.Manson and the girls shave their heads("I'm the devil! The devil always shaves his head!" exclaims Charlie) and carve X's between their eyes as they're all given the death penalty.Charlie takes a moment to congratulate Bugliosi on a job well-done, and remarks that jail is just fine for him, supplying meals, sex, and time to play his guitar.The prosecutor chillingly ponders the possibility of more like Manson as Charlie sings "Garbage Dump" from his cell.That sums it up in one big lump, so to speak...

Linda(Marilyn Burns)arrives in court;Leatherface could not be reached for comment.
Director Gries worked primarily in television, even helming several episodes of Batman(1966) along the way.The amazingly intense Railsback would go on to portray another famous killer, Ed Gein in 2000; also appearing in Rob Zombie's The Devil's Rejects(2005).Native Pennsylvanian Marilyn Burns went on to score roles in Tobe Hooper's Eaten Alive(1976),Future Kill with Chainsaw co-star Ed Neal in 1985, and most recently Kim Henkel's 2012 project Boneboys, also with Neal.DiCenzo, who died in 2010, was once assistant to the producer on House of Dark Shadows(1970).The actual LaBianca residence was used in Skelter, but Polansky's home was not.The role of Manson was originally offered to Martin Scorsese(Wait.What.).Intense eyes, not eyebrows, ya knuckleheads.Tonight's entry scores three wops on the scale, an essential to any true crime buffs, Manson enthusiasts(!), or regular woprophiles out there.Always is still always forever, baby.

C'monnnn, that's some mint Charlie(Steve Railsback) right there.

Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park(1978)d/Gordon Hessler

We got to watch this on tv,the poor Columbians had to pay to see it in theaters...
Originally aired three nights before Halloween in 1978,this made-for-television movie plays like a live action Scooby Doo episode with worse acting(Hanna-Barbera was responsible,go figure).I was nine when I sat glued to the tv set watching it for the first time,and as a nine year old KISS Army member,I have reason to believe I was probably the target audience for this.All the members of the band do more than prove they should stick to bubblegum arena rock and never act again.Gene Simmons,who does little more than snarl and growl like an animal on camera,ironically enjoyed somewhat of an acting career in the eighties when the band took off the makeup.Go figure.An uber-cheezy and dated good time to be had,regardless of how badly the band have trashed this one over the years.If you ever liked KISS,you'll enjoy it.

Peter Criss plays a mean Tilt-a-Whirl.
Super group KISS is scheduled to play to a throng of screaming bra-bereaft Farrah-lookalike chicks and their van-driving boyfriends with feathered back hair at an amusement park that employs a man named Abner Devereaux,who has designed expensive animatronic robots for display.Little does anyone know,Devereaux has been working slavishly in his laboratory(!)to clone human beings into his remote-controlled robots and take over the world.With the help of Sam(Terry Lester,of Young and the Restless fame,god,I'm embarrassed I even knew that),equipped with some Radio Shack circuitry behind one of his ears,he exacts silly vengeance on some "punks" who get their kicks punching expensive animatronic robots at the park,turning them into future park robot displays(poor Slime,Chopper,and Dirty Dee!),before setting his sights on bigger fish in pancake makeup to fry when the park owner diverts some of Abner's robot money towards a big rock concert:the talisman-rocking,super-powered,hooded purveyors of bubblegum stadium rock known only as KISS!Well,that's not entirely true.They also go by these cheezy nicknames:Star Child,The Demon,Space Ace,and Catman.(sound of Cheez Whiz can emptying onto paper plate)

Deborah Ryan,of Bigfoot and Wildboy,and The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo fame...
Devereaux unleashes Robo-Chaim on the park guards to frame the real Witz and company,but when that plan fails,he imprisons the real rockers in his laboratory and sets robot KISS on stage in their place,doing "Hotter than Hell" with "Rip and Destroy" lyrics in their place to incite the fans to riot.With the help of Sam's girfriend,the boys retrieve their magical talismans,fly onto the stage and defeat their animatronic impersonators,and give the crowd what they came for;the obligatory rock n' roll awl nayyyyyite an' pawty evahree day!After the spectacular show,the band returns to the laboratory,presumably to make a rockers' arrest on Devereaux,only to find the mad genius dead(?) with white hair and a frozen look on his face.Did he finally see the script?Did he look into a crystal ball and see the band's 1979 disco album Dynasty in the works?We may never know.They free Sam from his robo-trance and reunite him with his best gal.Gee,that KISS is swell...as Space Ace would say..."Ack!"

The Demon(Gene Simmons) says "Roooooooaaaaaaaaaaar".
About a half step ahead of Hanna-Barbera's OTHER live action show,Banana Splits.Some may argue that Splits had better tunes and acting,but hey,they probably didn't have a mylar poster of Gene Simmons over their bedroom mirror in 1978 either.Cough,cough.The band has gone on record condemning this whole affair numerous times,but really,is it any worse than overweight and ancient hairplug-rocking Gene pushing sixty years old STILL throwing on the platform dragon boots for his celebrity roast,OR blaming fans (the same people responsible for making the guy a multi-millionaire)for the decline of the music industry today?Regardless of the circus surrounding KISS members these days,I was one of their biggest fans in their heyday and this flick brings back all kinds of memories.I give it:

Devereaux would have succeeded if it wasn't for you meddling New Yorkers in kabuki makeup and platform boots!