"The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (1994) d/ Kim Henkel

In 1994, Kim Henkel, who co-wrote the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) with director Tobe Hooper, would write and direct the fourth movie focusing on the cannibalistic family of unemployed cattle slaughterers, and specifically, everyone's favorite hulking, chainsaw-wielding lunatic, Leatherface himself. The sequel in question, basically an imprecise remake, made the festival scene before being shelved for three years, until its two young leads, Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger rose from obscurity with roles in A Time to a Kill (1996) and Jerry Maguire (1996), respectively; after which the film was re-cut, re-titled, and re-released as Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1997) to precious little fanfare. I'm not about to sing its praises here tonight, either, but read on, anyway...


Don't squeeze the trigger, Renee (unless you want to, and really, you'd be doing us all a favor...).
We follow the post-prom exploits of four Texas teens, including the pot smoking wallflower, Jenny (Renee Zellweger) and her faux airhead pal Heather (Lisa Marie Newmyer), who blow the negative vibes of the formal clambake in favor of dark, winding, dirt roads only to be targeted by the latest bellicose brood of  the infamous Slaughter family (weren't they the Sawyers? Mehhh.). There's Leatherface (Terry Jacks), who's taken to wearing full drag, and the wrecker-driving, point and shout-happy Vilmer (Matthew McConaughey), who's got a robotic leg brace that's controlled by television remotes, and Walter (Joe Stevens), who drops an endless array of quotes from famous people (and little else). There's also the execrable insurance agent Darla (Tonie Perensky), who flashes her augmented breasts at passing cars when she isn't contentedly enjoying her mutually abusive relationship with the aforementioned shouting tow truck driver she calls her boyfriend. When the teens' car slams into an oncoming car in the night, leaving its driver unconscious and in need of medical assistance, the couples split up to find help. What they find, instead, anybody can see coming from a mile away...


Leatherface (Terry Jacks) or Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri, you be the judge.
It isn't long (or perhaps it's entirely too long, who can tell at this point?) before Vilmer is exaggeratedly driving over one prom date in his tow truck and snapping the neck of the unconscious crash victim, while Leatherface is clobbering the stuffing out of the other male prom goer with a familiar mallet, stuffing a screaming Heather in a cooler before ploinking her down on a nearby meat hook. Jenny is taken captive by the family, forced to look with horror upon a taxidermized family at the dinner table, while Darla comically dislocates her beau's bum kneecap with the press of buttons on a tv clicker. Vilmer points and shouts a lot, slashes himself repeatedly with a straight razor, and is dispatched by the propeller of a low flying Illuminati airplane. Did I mention the Illuminati? Yeah, a fellow in a suit named Rothman shows up at the dinner party, disappointed by the family's inability to breed terror in its victims (sort of like this whole movie), and he ultimately drives Jenny to safety in his stretch limo while drag Leatherface does the spinning, whirling "She got away!" chainsaw dance on the highway. Sound familiar?


"Relax, Miss Jones, we'll locate your diary for you, alright.", exclaims Cop (John Dugan).
On a positive note, the film features three blink-and-you'll-miss-'em cameos from the original cast, John Dugan (Grandpa), Paul Partain (Franklin), and Marilyn Burns (Sally), though she's billed as ANONYMOUS in the credits, and "Queen" Debra Marshall, Stone Cold Steve Austin's ex-wife, also makes an appearance in there. This would be Henkel's only directorial credit, though he's got at least fifteen as a writer, most of which are Chainsaw Massacre-related, apart from The Unseen (1980) and Tobe Hooper's own Eaten Alive (1976). Amazingly, there's very little blood letting in either cut of this effort, sparse deaths, and zero scares. If it classified as your least favorite TCM sequel, or the least fun to watch, nobody could consciously blame you for it. It'd be nine years until they'd reboot the series with a remake of the original, which I also didn't care for, as if you couldn't have guessed. Single Wop city here.


...and Ann Nonymous as Sally Hardesty.

R.I.P. Marilyn Burns

                                  05/07/49 - 08/05/14

"Eaten Alive"(1976)d/Tobe Hooper

R.I.P. Arbogast on Film. Two years after giving the world nightmares with his brilliant cinematic portrait of a deranged family of unemployed cannibalistic cattle slaughterers, director Tobe Hooper served up tonight's entry as a sophomore effort, though not without some merit, it ultimately falls well short of its predecessor's dizzying levels of excellence.Hooper assembled an able cast of B-movie vets comprised of glorious villain Neville Brand, fresh off the success of the critically acclaimed 1974 telepic, Killdozer(okay, I'm kidding), Robert Englund(pre-cornball Freddy Krueger antics), Carolyn Jones(The Addams Family's Morticia in a late appearance), Kyle Richards, Mel Ferrer, Marilyn Burns, Roberta Collins, and Stuart Whitman to an atmospheric (and blatantly obvious)soundstage dressed to resemble an ominous backwoods fleabag motel on swamps that house an enormous African crocodile(also blatantly fake as nuts).Though tonight's feature, also known as 'Starlight Slaughter' and 'Death Trap' among other alternate titles, holds its own in the scare department, it also holds the dubious honor of being Hooper's follow up to TCM, perhaps accounting for audiences' tepid reception over the years.Despite a bigger budget than his previous effort, Eaten still has a phony 'television special' look about it that, for me, adds a certain stylish ambience to the formulaic blood n' boobs production that might turn other viewers off when they experience it.Don't let the fact that there are no screencaps of a shithouse rat-crazy Neville Brand waving a farmer's scythe around in the entry give you the wrong idea, his performance is incoherent mumbling lunacy that you oughta experience at least once in your life.Let's get to it... Clara(Roberta Collins) leaks some claret. Clara(Roberta Collins) is too prim and proper of a prostitute to let Buck(Robert Englund) access her back door, resulting in her madam, Miss Hattie(Carolyn Jones), showing her the front door, instead.Clara trudges through the woods to a dilapidated shack on the edge of the swamp that passes for the Starlight Hotel, as run by Judd(Neville Brand), a mumbling mental deficient with a wooden leg who's petting zoo is starving to death around him out of neglect(we watch a monkey give up the ghost inside its dirty cage).Once Judd identifies Clara as one of 'Miss Hattie's girls', he flips the fuck out and labonza-shanks her repeatedly with a pitchfork before chucking her remains over the porch railing to the waiting jaws of a huge African crocodile he keeps as a pet in the swamp behind the fence.Soon afterwards, a bickering, dysfunctional family and their pet dog pull up outside, in desperate need of lodging for the night, but Judd's croc swallows the pooch alive in front of the little girl's disbelieving eyes.After some heated arguing upstairs, the girl's father, Roy(William Finley), pledges to go out and shoot the croc(after mocking his daughter with pantomime dog barks and croc jaw snaps!), but Judd lays a righteous scythe upon him outside, and the croc, anxious for its next meal, smashes through the porch railing to snare the dying gent.Judd then interrupts the girl's mother, Faye(Marilyn Burns), who's about to enjoy a relaxing bath in the unkempt washroom, with a hearty ass-beating before tying her to a bed.Little Angie(Kyle Richards) manages to escape the clutches of the hotel's psycho gimp and hide quietly among the rats and creepy crawlies under the darkened porch. There is no joy for annoying Roy(William Finley), now resigned to be a croc's chew toy. Meanwhile, Harvey(Mel Ferrer) arrives on the scene with Libby in tow, seeking the whereabouts of his other daughter, Clara, when Judd points the inquisitive family members towards Miss Hattie's brothel, which they pay a fruitless visit to with the local sheriff(Stuart Whitman).Libby accompanies the sheriff to the local drinking establishment for a bite to eat before backtracking to the hotel, but their meal is interrupted by an anebriated Buck and his curvy arm decoration, Lynette(Janus Blythe), when a fight breaks out.Libby's father returns to the hotel and gets face-scythed after hearing the little girl under the porch crying for help.After the sheriff kicks the couple out, they pay the Starlight a visit, but when Buck hears Angie's whimpers and cries from under the porch, he goes out to investigate and gets pushed into the murky drink by Judd, who watches as his croc feeds once again.Lynette eludes the proprietor's scythe of judgment, and escapes into the woods, managing to flag down a passing car in the nick of time.Libby returns to discover Faye gagged and bound to the bed and frees her while Judd is busy opening the gate downstairs to allow his crocodile access to its next prepubescent meal under the place.Faye and Libby make a break for it but get chased back upstairs by a howling, scythe-wielding Judd, who wounds Faye with the farming tool and throws her off the balcony.Meanwhile, Libby has helped Angie to get out of the swamp, and when Judd tries to push her back in, he gets flipped in himself by Faye, who watches as the hillbilly's homicidal pet clamps down on the final victim of the evening, and a prosthetic leg floats to the surface.Roll credits. So glad you decided to stay, Faye(Marilyn Burns). Brand would later turn up in Without Warning(1980), and Evils of the Night(1985).Janus Blythe, who looks especially backwoods-delectable here, would next appear in Wes Craven's cult classic, The Hills Have Eyes(1977), as the memorable Ruby character.Englund, another favorite, is entertaining to watch, long before being typecast as a supernatural burn-scarred serial killer who spouts corny one-liners as he pops out of your dreams.Jones would only act in one more movie, doing some television work before succumbing to cancer in 1983.Exploitation staple, Roberta Collins went on to appear in things like Whiskey Mountain(1977), Saturday the 14th(1981), and Death Wish II(1982).Marilyn Burns, always luscious lens candy in every role, doesn't purvey fear as intensely here, as opposed to TCM.There I go, making that inevitable, unfair comparison again.I really don't think this one's as bad as some folks would have you believe; what it is, is standard stalk 'em n' kill 'em fare, an average follow up to a masterpiece, which only further pales it in comparison and detracts from its overall popularity.As such, two Wops sounds about right when laying down the verdict from the glorious scale.Worth a look. Plucked from a righteous jailbait date, Buck(Robert Englund), out of luck, gets (proper)fucked.

"Helter Skelter"(1976)d/Tom Gries

Tonight's entry, a made-for-television event spanning two nights back in April of 1976, is perhaps the most famous of the films concerning the Tate/LaBianca murders, based on the bestselling 1974 book by Curt Gentry and Vincent Bugliosi, who was prosecutor in the historic trial itself.Nominated for three Emmys, it had a theatrical release overseas with additional nudity and violence, as evidenced by the choice blood red Aussie daybill that creeped out my ex-wife until I finally tucked it away in a closet, pictured above.Despite the poster's place in my collection and my insistance to stay up late both nights when Skelter originally aired(I pulled it off, somehow, too), the Gries-helmed vehicle isn't my favorite take on Charlie and pals by a long shot, due to the talky, investigation/courtroom approach it favors, focusing on Bugliosi's victorious Beatles-driven race war motive from right field, instead of the barely touched upon far out lifestyle and psyche of the hippie kooks at the center of the bloody slayings.What is exceptional about the production to me, are the performances of George DiCenzo as Bugliosi, and more so, Steve Railsback as the pint-sized prophet himself.As I've stated before, Manson isn't an easily recreatable character for the screen, as proven by the failure of films like The Manson Massacre(1972) and The Helter Skelter Murders(1970) in conveying that twinkle of pure hallucinogenic lunacy the magnetic little guy is blanketed in, to audiences.Railsback completely fucking nails it right off the bat, but isn't given enough of the nearly two hundred minute running time to truly shine.Also notable here are performances by Nancy Wolfe as an extra sexy Sexy Sadie, and scream queen extraordinaire Marilyn "TCM" Burns as "Darling" Kasabian, who turned state's evidence.Hell, you can even find Eileen(Pazuzu's spectral grillpiece in "The Exorcist")Dietz, Robert(Sam from "Quincy M.E.")Ito, and even Bart(Binzer from "Vega$")Braverman among the cast if you look hard enough.Forwards.

Somebody stick a fork in Leno(Al Checco), I think he's done.
Gunshots cut through the silence during the early morning hours, signalling the death of the Age of Aquarius and the beginnings of one of the most bizarre criminal trials in American history, as partially narrated by prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi(George DiCenzo).One of Tate's neighbors is called in by the police later that morning to i.d. the brutalized bodies that had been shot, stabbed, roped, and/or beaten(in some cases, all four).The gore is brief and understated, but he hurls his guts in the bushes anyway after seeing Sharon's lifeless, pregnant body on the floor.The LaBiancas, returning to town by car, read the shocking headlines in the newspaper then become the next morning's headlines themselves.Cops pursue the dope angle and remark at the similarity between the Beatles White Album song titles and messages written in blood at the crime scenes.A boy finds the pistol used in the killings and his father turns it in to the authorities, where it sits in evidence for months unnoticed.They raid the Spahn Movie Ranch, arresting a skein of dirty hippies for Grand Theft Auto(the charge, not the game, youngbloods.).In jail, Sadie(Nancy Wolfe) grooves on the sounds of a transistor radio and gleefully relates all the gruesome details of the murders to Ronnie Howard(the petty criminal, not the flameheaded kid who sings "Wells Fargo Wagon" in "The Music Man"(1962), mind you).Bugliosi is named the new prosecutor, and tries to work a deal in exchange for testimony with Straight Satans biker Danny DeCarlo(Rudy Ramos).Ronnie tries to spill her guts but no one seems too interested.Bugliosi grills Family gals for candy, and finds out that Charlie is love.Bugliosi watches Manson(Railsback) being led in by deputies on charges he set fire to an earth mover, and makes Christ jokes.DeCarlo tells of Manson's desire to kill pigs, blame it on the niggers, and start a race war.Leslie Van Houten has selective amnesia under questioning.Tex Watson's fingerprints from a prior drug bust match ones found at the crime scenes.Warrants are issued for Watson, Kasabian, and Krenwinkle.

"...Do you feel like wolf kabob Roth vantage? Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube; bear-ramage. Jigiji geeji geeja geeble Google. Begep flagaggle vaggle veditch-waggle bagga?"
Sadie tells all(sex with Charlie,"the infinite", murder details), then later denies it.Accomplice Linda Kasabian(Marilyn Burns)agrees to testify and Atkins' plea bargain is dropped.Bugliosi's watch stops in court as Manson stares at him.The discarded murder scene clothes are discovered in a canyon, and the pistol that's been in limbo is finally matched up as Bugliosi notices the Beatles tie-in.Ex-Mansonite Paul Watkins helps cross the t's and dot the i's for the young prosecutor, then almost dies in a suspicious fire for his troubles.Manson girls gather outside the Hall of Justice as the trial begins.Kasabian details her introduction to the family and later, the details of August 9th and 10th to the jury.The female defendants laugh, giggle, and respond in unison.Manson flips his lid in front of everyone then tells that his father is the jailhouse and he is simply a reflection of what everyone else has made him, and the girls tearfully cheer him on, shouting out loud until all defendants are removed from the courtroom.Bugliosi wraps his arguments and pushes his 'Helter Skelter' motive.The jury finds them guilty of all charges.Manson and the girls shave their heads("I'm the devil! The devil always shaves his head!" exclaims Charlie) and carve X's between their eyes as they're all given the death penalty.Charlie takes a moment to congratulate Bugliosi on a job well-done, and remarks that jail is just fine for him, supplying meals, sex, and time to play his guitar.The prosecutor chillingly ponders the possibility of more like Manson as Charlie sings "Garbage Dump" from his cell.That sums it up in one big lump, so to speak...

Linda(Marilyn Burns)arrives in court;Leatherface could not be reached for comment.
Director Gries worked primarily in television, even helming several episodes of Batman(1966) along the way.The amazingly intense Railsback would go on to portray another famous killer, Ed Gein in 2000; also appearing in Rob Zombie's The Devil's Rejects(2005).Native Pennsylvanian Marilyn Burns went on to score roles in Tobe Hooper's Eaten Alive(1976),Future Kill with Chainsaw co-star Ed Neal in 1985, and most recently Kim Henkel's 2012 project Boneboys, also with Neal.DiCenzo, who died in 2010, was once assistant to the producer on House of Dark Shadows(1970).The actual LaBianca residence was used in Skelter, but Polansky's home was not.The role of Manson was originally offered to Martin Scorsese(Wait.What.).Intense eyes, not eyebrows, ya knuckleheads.Tonight's entry scores three wops on the scale, an essential to any true crime buffs, Manson enthusiasts(!), or regular woprophiles out there.Always is still always forever, baby.

C'monnnn, that's some mint Charlie(Steve Railsback) right there.

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"(1974)d/Tobe Hooper

If you ask horror aficionados which movie tops their list of the greatest of all-time,chances are,the vast majority will cite tonight's entry(OR one we'll be looking at sometime next month)as the granddaddy of 'em all.Few films can boast of capturing real,honest to goodness terror within their frames,but if any have ever done so,this one has.So effectively,it would seem,that former college professor and director of tonight's feature,Tobe Hooper,has never been able to live up to it,or escape from the shadow of it.Even Gunnar "Leatherface" Hansen learned early on,that taking a girl to see his exploits on the big screen probably isn't the world's greatest idea for a first date(Lamberto Bava's Demoni(1985) was always my movie of choice,as many of you women lucky enough to have dated me out there can attest).Loosely based on the handiwork of the "Butcher of Plainfield",Wisconsin's infamous serial killer,Ed Gein,and inspired by the growing brutality of the changing culture of the seventies and governmental falsehoods heaped upon the unsuspecting populace.It stood as the single most successful independent film ever made,until Halloween dethroned it four years later.
My first exposure to tonight's review dates back to the pre-rental days of video,when twenty bucks of my allowance was spent buying a grainy unlabeled bootleg out of the back of a black van in Edwardsville(no lie!),and upon being popped into my eight hundred dollar wood grain top loader,instantly became a regularly watched favorite of me and the boys,with deadpan imitations of Edwin Neal and Jim Siedow not an unusual sound around my house.I can't remember ever seeing broad daylight so effectively used to evoke harrowing feelings of terror the way Hooper does here.And when the sun goes down,well that's another story.The finale has got to be one of the most memorably maddening experiences ever committed to celluloid,drawing reserved reviews of praise from critics and moviegoers alike.With a brilliant pre-credit sequence delivered by John "Night Court" Larroquette(!) scrolling upwards,nothing could have prepared us for the most bizzare crimes in the annals of American history that were to follow...

The Hitchhiker(Edwin Neal) sure knows how to break the ice on awkward van rides,or head cheese,Polaroids,gun powder,straight razors,and you.
Sally(Burns)and her yappy invalid brother,Franklin(Partain),drive across the state of Texas on a sweltering summer day with Jerry(Allen Danziger),Kirk(William Vail),and Pam(McMinn) in a van to investigate recent news reports of grave robbery and corpse defilement in state cemeteries,and see if their grandfather's plot is among those that have been tampered with.On the way to a family property with a much needed swimming hole afterwards,the group stops to pick up a weird hitchhiker(Neal)along the road,who leeringly rambles about his family's history as slaughterhouse workers,the pros and cons of bolt gun steer execution,and his brother's head cheese,before taking Franklin's pocket knife and slicing his own palm open with it.He then takes a Polaroid of the fat chatterbox on wheels and demands five dollars for it.When Franklin declines to pay,the hitchhiker blows the picture up with a small pile of gun powder,and cuts Franklin's forearm with a straight razor before being forced out of the van,and giving half hearted chase,kicking the vehicle and giving the terrified youths raspberries.They stop at a gas station,where the proprietor(Siedow) tells them he's out of gas,then feeds them his own barbeque.They decide to drive ahead to the Hardesty property,returning to the gas station after the fuel truck makes its delivery.After arriving at the abandoned house and discovering the watering hole has dried up,Kirk and Pam decide to walk to a nearby house and ask the residents for gas.After disgusting his girlfriend with a human tooth he finds on the front porch,he goes inside,only to have the bejeezus clobbered out of his domepiece with a sledgehammer by a hulking retard in an apron,wearing a human skin mask.When Kirk doesn't return,Pam enters and stumbles into a room mobbed with piles of animal and human bones,some of which have been fashioned into garish,macabre furniture.As she tries to escape,she is chased down and dragged back inside by the lumbering murderer(Hansen),and slammed onto a meathook,where she is forced to watch as Leatherface perforates her dead boyfriend with a smoking chainsaw on a table in front of her disbelieving eyes.

Betcha didn't read this in your horoscope,Pam(Terri McMinn)!
As the sun begins to set upon the Hardesty house,Jerry sets out to find Kirk and Pam,who've never returned from their attempted swimming excursion.After finding their blanket outside,Jerry enters the neighboring house,only to discover a half dead,bluish Pam inside a freezer,before getting brained by Leatherface's mallet.As night descends on Sally and her brother,they take a lone flashlight into the thick brush in attempt to find their friends.As Franklin calls out their names,he's interrupted by Leatherface,who springs out of the blackness,bissecting him in his wheelchair with his revving chainsaw to the horror of his screaming sister.Sally runs from the squealing monster,unwittingly into the killer's house,and is greeted upstairs by the inert remains of an elderly couple propped up in easy chairs,before jumping out a second story window,and running the entire distance to the gas station they'd visited earlier,with Leatherface close behind.The cook reassures the hysterical girl at first,but then clobbers her with a broom handle and hogties her in a sack,throwing his acquisition into his truck and driving off into the night.Outside the house,he picks up the hitchhiker,and then chastises he and his younger brother,Leatherface,for what he's done to the door with his chainsaw(!).Inside,Sally comes to,to find herself in the middle of an ongoing nightmare,bound to a chair made of human bones,at a dinner table surrounded by bickering,hooting and hollering cannibals.Leatherface has donned a mask made of a girl's face,and appropriately applied makeup to it,before he and his brother fetch their elderly,vampiric grandfather(John Dugan) to kill the girl,as he was,afterall,the best killer there ever was.They hold the screaming captive's head over a metal apple barrel,but the ancient psychopath is too weak to wield the mallet,and drops it repeatedly.While they bicker back and forth,Sally manages to free herself and jump through a window.As she runs,the hitchhiker sweepingly slashes her with his straight razor,but unknowingly strolls into the path of an oncoming eighteen wheeler,which runs him over and kills him.Leatherface attacks the truck cab,but the driver throws a monkey wrench,hitting him in the head,buying Sally enough time to jump into the flatbed of a passing pick up truck.She giggles hysterically,in shock,as the sight of a furious Leatherface,angrily spinning swinging his chainsaw in circles in the middle of the highway,gets further and further away.

Leatherface(Gunnar Hansen) gives a Poulan-derived STFU to mouthy cripple,Franklin(Paul Partain).
Tonight's entry spawned several sequels,a terrible Michael Bay remake,and a subsequent prequel,none of which ever recaptured the greatness of the original(big surprise).Hooper followed it up with Eaten Alive(1977),Salem's Lot(1979),The Funhouse(1981),Poltergeist(1982),Lifeforce(1985),Invaders from Mars(1986),and the first sequel in 1986(all of which range from decent to excellent),before falling off big time.Burns,the lovely Pennyslvanian,played Linda Kasabian in the tele-picture Helter Skelter(1976),and genre fare like Hooper's Eaten Alive and Future Kill(1985).Neal has worked steadily ever since in films and television in everything from Power Rangers to Nick Palumbo's excellent Murder Set Pieces(2004),and is a real pisser to talk to.Hansen has also kept busy in mosty genre fare,with roles in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers(1985) and the aforementioned Murder Set Pieces on his impressive resume.You can find most of these rascals at horror conventions on a lucky weekend.We depart the classics for now and set our sights back on the familiar shores of mediocrity in July,with an occasional masterpieces thrown in for good measure,as usual.TCM stands as either number one or two of all-time,depending on my mood at the time of query,and for that impressive status,a perfect scale rating is bequeathed upon it,and a full recommendation from your(not so)humble N...

Sally(Marilyn Burns),up to her glutes in piles of animal and human bones,wonders where her hosts buy their curtains.