Friday, September 5, 2014

"The Fake Ghost Catchers" (1982) d/ Liu Chia Yung

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Tonight's review, a supernatural kung fu comedy from director Liu Chia Yung starring the likes of Hsiao Ho, Chang Chan Peng, and Fu Sheng, has only been on my "to see" list for the past thirty years, having been unable to score a copy anywhere until the glorious advent of all region dvd players finally made it and many other Shaw Brothers films accessible to long time Western enthusiasts like myself. As one would expect, this is a weird and wild ride, packed with cereal-faced zombies, hopping ghosts, spiritual posession, lazy eyes, foot moles, broad physical slapstick comedy, lo-fi special effects, and Chinese mysticism that pre-dates Ivan Reitman's own Ghostbusters by nearly two years, or, in other words, a must-see for any self-respecting fan of martial horror-comedy. Still not convinced? What if we threw in Wang Lung Wei in a friggin' eye patch? Yeah, thought that'd do the trick...

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Fu Sheng, at his dramatic finest, as you can clearly see here.
After a man (Lung Tien Chiang) commits suicide with poison over his unrequited love for a beautiful young newlywed (Lily Li), his spirit returns from the afterlife during a bungled grave robbing by a group of starving bumpkins, who are interrupted by a wounded whistleblower (Chang Chan Peng) fleeing the armed henchmen of a corrupt Qing official (Wang Lung Wei) known as "the one-eyed general", who's trying to kill him before he can transport evidence of his treachery to a nearby judge. The vengeful ghost kills the young woman, whose ghost enlists the services of a phony Taoist magician's young assistant (Hsiao Ho), who happens to be the whistleblower's cousin, leading him to also unwittingly involve himself in the deceased woman/ghost's plan to foil her ethereal murderer before he can give her twin sister (also Lily Li, of course) a similar fate. The titular fake ghost catchers bring in an extravagantly garbed and perpetually unlucky opera performer  with nine lucky moles on his foot(Fu Sheng) and carry along the female ghost in a paper spell inside an umbrella for the ride. Nope, not a typo.

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"Let's see Linda Blair pull some shit like this off!"
The actor only agrees to help the young men if the female ghost will help him to be more successful at gambling, leading to expectedly ludicrous results at the local gambling house with a lazy-eyed casino owner (Tu Shao Ming), who even has a lazy-eyed mistress. Meanwhile, the plotting, murderous general only has one eye. You with me, so far? One eye captures the whistleblower and tortures him for the whereabouts of the secret list, but the woman's ghost possesses him, making him impervious to blows, weapons, and even flaming sticks of incense, which he chews menacingly (!) before escaping the general's clutches. At the climax, a trap is set at an abandoned house by the judge and the ghost catchers who defeat and arrest the general and his men when Li's ghost again possesses Peng, who subdues One eye while fighting like a Shaolin wooden marionette. Fu Sheng poses in ornate traditional marriage drag as Li's twin sister afterwards, as part of the set up for Lung's ghost, who naturally isn't about to give up hauntings and murders without a knock down, drag out fight to the finish, complete with wire work, lighting fx, cheap horror masks and makeup, and a goodly dose of gung fu magic, luckily for all of us watching from our seats. See for yourselves.

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...and Johnny Wang as the evil One-Eyed General. Joke pretty much wrote itself.
1982 was a busy year for Fu Sheng, who showed up in My Rebellious Son, Cat vs. Rat, and The Brave Archer and his Mate all in the same year as this effort, and his appearance here is mostly in a supporting comedic role, with few fights to mention, but he's freaking hilarious throughout the damned thing, so we'll let that slide this time. On the other hand, the acrobatic Hsiao Ho, who never really received the spotlight he truly deserved, is excellent here, and Sheng's younger brother, Chang Chan Peng, who retired from acting altogether after completing Wang Lung Wei's This Man is Dangerous in 1985, has some equally impressive fight scenes, and it can be argued that his possessed wooden man routine vs. Wang here, rivals or even bests his brother's similar sequence (on a physical level if not a comedic one) in Liu Chia Liang's Legendary Weapons of China,  which was also released in 1982, coincidentally. A good time to be had, for sure, and three Wops on the scale. See it now!

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(Not very)Special make up tip # 7783: Apparently, ghosts like their Cream of Wheat with strawberry preserves mixed in. 
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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

"Los Ritos Sexuales del Diablo" (1982) d/ José Ramón Larraz

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Next, we'll look at Los Ritos Sexuales del Diablo, a 1982 offering to the dark lord and master from Spanish sleazemeister Jose Ramon Larraz, the director responsible for famous fiend fodder like Vampyres (1974) and Symptoms (1974),  and later, things like 1987's Rest in Pieces and Edge of the Axe (1988), under his favorite pseudonym, Joseph Braunstein. Like much of his body of work, tonight's review, also known as Black Candles, is packed to the gills with deviate sex and nudity, and though this is a relatively bloodless effort for him, save for one wince-worthy on screen demise that we'll touch upon later,  the sex is degenerate and vulgar enough to make your skin crawl at certain points, if that's the type of thing you groove on, and this is coming from a guy who's nothing to sneeze at,  himself, in the sackmaster sweepstakes. Let's get on with the review while I get the ol' ego under control (with a whip and chair) over here...

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"Pins and needles, needles and pins, have yourself a heart attack while you're hitting the skins (you bastard.)!"
After seeing a poor balding bastard's ticker conk out during a mid-day romp with a sexy young finger licking witch, due to a mysterious pair of hands wielding a sizable pin and voodoo doll over some titular black candles elsewhere, we're introduced to the dead fuck's sensuous sister, Carol (Vanessa Hidalgo), who's smoking body and attention to detail of the garter belts and silk stockings variety bring me great pleasure, and who's husband Robert (Mauro Rivera) looks like the result of gene splicing experiments involving Greg Brady and 70's porn dick Jamie Gillis, as they arrive at her brother's cottage in a secluded corner of England as guests of her mysterious sister-in-law Fiona (Helga Line), who happens to dig black candles and framed prints with sinister subject matter, and also,  peep tomming their constant fuck sessions through a concealed hole in the wall behind a painting, and also, Satan. The other locals all seem to think ol' Scratch is swell, too, as evidenced during a black rite in a barn involving the aforementioned finger licker and a goat. Scratch that one off of my bucket list of things to see. Oh, and before I forget, Carol and her late brother were ankles behind the ears kinda close, to add to the "Did I just see what I just saw?" vibe going on at this pad.

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"Just give me another minute in here, I'm pinching off another Phish album!"
It doesn't take long for middle-aged Fiona to sock it to Robert, who's only too happy to spread it around in the family, and he's soon participating in her coven's black magic orgies, where you'll see a tubby out-of-favor Satanist receive punishment in the form of a sword up the ol' wah-zoo. One of the hired help/Satanists/goat wranglers heists a gaudy necklace out of Carol's effects and she's soon the subject of the circle's sex magicks herself, as conducted by a creepy guy with a cocaine pinky claw and a priest suit. The new Satanic Robert fancies some fartbox action from his unwilling wife, who pairs up with several of the witches for lesbian loving in the name of Lucifer, who, though he never shows up here, has to be impressed with the effort. In the end, we see the couple arriving at Fiona's under the exact same circumstances. All merely a dream...or was it? Only Larraz (and Lenzi, perhaps) knows for sure.

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"I'm gonna stay over here tonight, baby, if it's all the same to you, your busy wallpaper has spoiled my boner."
You'll remember Helga Line from her genre work in titles like Horror Express (1972), My Dear Killer (1972), and Exorcism's Daughter (1971) opposite Paul Naschy. Hidalgo appeared with Lilli Carati in Italian comedy,  C'e' un fantasma nel mio letto (1981). Though the effective, throbbing soundtrack is credited to Cam,  I swear I can hear elements of Marcello Giombini's work in Gariazzo's L'ossessa (1974) throughout the damned thing. I swear I can. This one's heavy on filth and flesh, and though I wasn't always entertained by Larraz's disturbing images, the outrageous dialog and lovely actresses assets on display kept me engaged right up until the end credits. If you're as twisted as I am, you'll enjoy it, too, though I wouldn't advise those sensitive or easily offended readers/viewers to seek out a copy, because you probably wont enjoy it in the least. Two wops. Approach with caution.

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"Oh Billy, when it comes to Satanic hay rolls, you're simply the G.O.A.T.!"
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Monday, September 1, 2014

"Men From the Monastery" (1974) d/ Chang Cheh

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We'll spinning wheel kick off September with the second of Shaw Brothers director Chang Cheh's Shaolin series, utilizing the martial prowess of his first stable actors like Chen Kuan Tai, Fu Sheng, and Chi Kuan Chun to illustrate the further struggles of legendary patriots Fang Shih Yu and Hung Hsi Kwan against those oppressive Manchu bastards and their murderous jealousy of the effectiveness of Shaolin kung fu, as choreographed by the one and only Liu Chia Liang (Tang Chia, as well, to be specific). For those keeping score at home, Heroes Two was the first of the series, released the previous year.

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"Couldn't we just beat each other up on the ground and be done with it?"
At the outset, we meet Fang Shih Yu (Fu Sheng) as he's about to undergo a test at Shaolin known as "Death Alley" where he's forced to mix it up with his classmates in a darkened chamber in levels of increasing difficulty, vs. the bo, the butterfly swords, two sectional staff, etc. He states that he's fully aware that if he happens to be killed in his attempt, then he simply wasn't any good. As candles are lit and extinguished, he blows through all successive comers with ease and escapes with his life despite a half-baked hit by Manchu plants. Waving his trademark white fan wherever he goes, he duels Tiger Yang to the death atop some strategic fighting poles, and after skewering him like a chunk of lamb meat on a spit,  he soon runs into Hu Hueh Chien (Chi Kuan Chun), a stubborn young fellow with a death wish ever since his father got stepped on like a waterbug by two sore loser Manchus at the gambling house, as he's having his latest ass whooping administered to him by the Manchu bullies. Fang helps him to escape and tells him to go to Shaolin and learn how to fight before taking on expert opponents.Luckily, Fang's special baths at Shaolin have also made him impervious to weapons and blows of all kinds, save for one pesky secret unprotected area that....well, let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

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"Guess what you're having for dinner, pal...neck chops! Huaaaaaa!"
Fang and Hu set up his father's murderers, who Hu beats to death for their sins, which alerts even heavier Manchu baddies to the Shaolin upstarts, as led by Chiang Tao himself, who amuses himself by capturing and killing rebels whenever he can. The bastard even sets fire to Shaolin (with footage culled from the aforementioned Heroes Two, no less) in trying to flush out Hung Hsi Kwan (Chen Kuan Tai), the rebel leader who's been in hiding, leading to all surviving patriots involved scattering like ashes and regrouping at an abandoned temple that nobody'd ever think twice about looking there for them. Well, except the Manchus, who put tails on Hu's girlfriend and have the place surrounded by archers in no time. You know what comes next. It's Shaolin vs. Manchu to the overly dramatic death on the temple steps, with more bloody deaths in black and white than you can shake a Tiger's Fork at, but you folks at home are gonna have to see this one for yourselves to fully appreciate it, and also to find out if the Shaolin martial flame lives on.

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"Alright Shaolin disciples, get into your dramatic battle stances, places everybody!"
I can still remember taping this one late one Saturday night back in the eighties off of Channel 29's Kung Fu Theater. The print I saw recently,  reminded me of the shabby vhs quality of my own dub, with tracking lines and ghosts a plenty. Those were the days, eh? Cheh would revisit the Shaolin backdrop and plotline with Shaolin Temple/ Death Chamber (1976), Five Masters of Death/ Five Shaolin Masters (1974), and Shaolin Martial Arts (1974), all of which also use many of the same actors you'll see here. He also helmed 1975's Disciples of Shaolin/ Invincible One, which also starred Fu Sheng and Chi Kuan Chun. Though I don't dig this one nearly as much as any of the titles above, probably due to many of the fights involving anyone other than Fu, Chi, or Chen looking choppy and uninspired in spots (a problem the studio smoothed out over time, with more adept scrappers handling the intricate fight moves with a much better flow for the big screen, I think), it's still a classic in it's own right, deserving of three Wops on the scale, and coming recommended to any fans of the genre.

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"Movement number six, Manchu pierces the flaming hemorrhoid!"
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