"7 Man Army" (1976) d/ Chang Cheh

What would you have if you packed the top Shaw Brothers stars of the day (Ti Lung, Fu Sheng, Chen Kuan Tai, Chi Kuan Chun...even David Chiang!) into a two hour Chinese version of "Zulu", as directed by Chang Cheh? Well, we're about to find out as we tackle 7 Man Army, or "Six Chinese Soldiers With Interesting Back Stories and an Orphaned Kid Hold Off Twenty Thousand Japanese Troops During the War", as it should probably be known. If you're thinking "I'd better install some seat belts on my sectional sofa before I pop this one in...", nobody in their right mind could feasibly blame you here.


"Put your muscles away already, Chu," pleads Private He (Fu Sheng).
In the midst of an epic battle between the heroic Chinese and those stereotypically dirty Japs, six soldiers rise to the bellicose occasion in keeping their homeland strewn with the bloody dead bodies for the nationalist cause, epically heroic cats like Battle Commander Wu (Ti Lung), Private Bai (David Chiang), Private He (Fu Sheng), Private Jiang (Chen Kuan Tai), Private Pan (Li Yi-Min), and Private Chu (Chi Kuan Chun). In any other war, a handful of mere soldiers would be soon dispatched under the might of thousands of  Imperial troops with superior firepower and weaponry, but these men have all suffered under the Japanese heel long enough, and it's time to let their gung fu do the talking. The Japs send in a squadron of Mongol mercenaries( "Beardy" and Johnny Wang), as led by Colonel Hu (Liu Chia Hui), but even these ruthless murderers in Sherlock Holmes hats are no match for the plucky Chinese troops, who have only just adopted a war orphan (Ting Wa Chung), while defending a captured fortress from the advancing foot soldiers, no less. Hot damn.


"Screw what anybody thinks. We'll start a Mongolian Sherlock Holmes Hat Appreciation Society, as of right now."
In each battle, just when you'd expect the bombardment of tank shells and bullets to intensify, it stops dead, and the Chinese and Japanese square off in large scale martial contests. Luckily for the outnumbered Chinese, the advantageous Imperialists choose to use their rifles as short staffs, rather than shoot them at point blank range, which would negate the defenders' many strategic grenade tosses that send any Japanese caught in frame magically sprawling ass o'er tit through the sky in an impressive puff of smoke. Gung Fu also never shrinks from battle against Karate. Never forget that. Several dramatic flashbacks later, the Japanese finally take the gloves off and send in an insurmountable number of troops and tanks, leaving the orphaned boy in charge of Private Bai's gold rings gift to his wife, who he's treated horribly prior to the current war business. In case I fall in battle, make sure she gets them, boy! I'll give you a sec to Kleenex up any sniffles you might be experiencing. You already see the end coming from a mile away, so I won't bother elaborating upon it, here.
 

"...like fish in a barrel, eh Suzuki?"
You'll recognize some future Venoms like Kuo Chui and Lu Feng in there as extras; Philip Ko Fei, Miao Tian, and Fung Ngai, who made a career out of playing Japanese bad guys for Shaw Brothers and Golden Harvest, are in there, too. If you're sitting down to watch this one, there's a good chance you aren't going to hold the production to any degree of historical accuracy, and you shouldn't. It's a balls out pro-Chinese bayonet-slashing, Imperialist head-cracking, flag waving good time full of stage blood and explosions, starring all your favorites in top form (...even David Chiang, for real). Despite the running time, it never drags or fails to entertain. And of course I was rooting for Gordon Liu, "Beardy", and Johnny Wang all the way. Three Wops. Hunt it down.


"There'll be children with robins and flowers, as sunshine caresses each new waking hour.", croons Battle Commander Wu (Ti Lung).

"Society" (1989) d/ Brian Yuzna

Despite the phenomenon of hipsters' hot mustachioed air romanticizing the eighties, it was a decade with just as much suck as any of the others in recent history. Despite being completed in 1989, Brian Yuzna's Society, his directorial debut and the subject of our focus tonight, was shelved until 1992. Despite having a place in the Top 100 lists of what looks like a significant amount of horror fans today, Society can also be considered a horribly dated, overly long,  mostly unfunny reminder of all the embarrassing clothes, hairstyles, synth-driven shit pop, and attitudes that those of us who endured all ten years of that inane decade in person have been trying to forget (for the most part) for thirty-plus years. One man's half-checkered Chess King sweatshirt is another man's pair of Stars n' Stripes bellbottom dungarees, I suppose...


In the eighties, I had little trouble achieving very similar trajectory with mine own fizz.
Bill (Billy Warlock) is discovering that he's unlike the other members of his immediate Beverly Hills family unit, choosing to come off like a down-to-earth poor man's Charlie Sheen rather than putting on airs of snobbish, affluent detachment. His high falootin' parents seem to favor his snooty sister, Jenny (Patrice Jennings) over him, often to uncomfortable-as-a-Penn-State-shower-with-Sandusky levels. His feelings of alienation lead him to the couch of resident head shrinker, Dr. Cleveland (Ben Slack), with whom he confides a feeling of having been adopted, relating a freaky contortionist vibe while stumbling in on his sister's shower, and later an audio cassette culled by her teen stalker ex, Blanchard,  from her "coming out party", which sounds more than a little like an incestual feeding frenzy initiated by his parents (!) that degenerates into a debutante dick down (Zingers like "First we dine, then we copulate!" can be heard by all).


The room was empty as I staggered from my bed, I couldn't bear the image racing through my head...
Meanwhile, Bill's been keeping his vapid blonde cheerleader/girlfriend, Shauna (Heidi Kozak), in the dark about a not-secret-in-the-least crush he's developed on the dark, mysteriously malleable Clarissa (Devin DeVasquez), who, by the looks of it, beats Shauna on Kama Sutra expansion points alone. Her weirdo mother seems to have developed a taste for human hair, for some reason. He's also bullied on the beach by a preppy crew of Biff's and Chad's, who dangle an invite to an upcoming exclusive party of theirs over his head like a savory doggie treat. At least, until Blanchard dies in a car accident, and an invitation to the very party he'd been desperately trying to get into, inexplicably arrives in the mail. It's right about here that the film speeds into a lengthy, noxiously disgusting climax that shouts, "This is not Ferris Bueller's Day Off!". Needless to say, it's something you're going to have to experience for yourselves at least once before you die. I'll say that much.


"Ahuhuhhuhhuh...shut up, Beavis...dumbass."
Yuzna, who produced the original 1985 cult classic, Re-Animator, also directed two Re-Animator sequels, two "The Dentist" movies, the fourth Silent Night, Deadly Night sequel, and the third Living Dead sequel, so he's obviously not opposed to hooking a hulking, fragrant cheese wheel to a film projector reel, in fact he's made quite a career out of it, to date. This one's just not one of my favorites. That said, I certainly appreciate the iconic, unsettling effects work of Screaming Mad George on display here. The level of queasiness he achieves with it on this film is impressive, indeed. Though it isn't a cup of tea I'd ever regularly sip at, I could see others easily having a greater fondness for it than I do. One Wop.


Four double dipped pre-orgy blotters might have been overdoing it, slightly.

"Nightmares" (1983) d/ Joseph Sargent

Originally developed as episodes of brisk ABC network horror anthology, Darkroom, the segments of tonight's review ended up in production purgatory when the series turned its toes up in 1982, until its cinematic release a year later perked up with some added violence for theatergoers would cement its place in history as the best horror anthology of 1983 not named Twilight Zone: The Movie. Recent years would see it fetch some lofty prices as an o.o.p. full-frame dvd release from Anchor Bay, so much so, in fact, you'd think it came with... a bloody Pieces (1982) jigsaw puzzle or somefink.


There's nothing to fear but FEAR itself, or in this case, their homicidal lead singer.
The first segment, "Terror in Topanga" is a cautionary slice of urban legend involving a beautiful, young brunette smoker (Cristina Raines) who ignores her husband's warnings and takes to the dark, open road for another carton (!) of smokes, despite news of an escaped lunatic lurking in the darkness. I'd weather a fucking zombie apocalypse for smokes' sake, so I feel this chick. The second, is entitled "The Bishop of Battle", and centers around a teenage gamer named J.J. (Emilio Estevez) who obliterates top scores while tuned into a Walkman full of punk tunes, with the mythological thirteenth level of one particular game set in his sights. Maybe he takes his mania a bit too far in the end when he breaks into the arcade at night for one-on-one battle with the titular bishop, but anyone who's tackled the Criminal Mastermind Challenge on GTAOnline (nailed it, for the record.) can sympathize, surely.


Totally rad graphics: I'll hold out until "Bishop of Battle" comes out for the Philips CD-I console, man.
The third, entitled "The Benediction", focuses on a priest (Lance Henriksen) who's lost his faith after the death of one of his young parishioners sends him packing his bags and driving off into the desert searching for answers. Too bad, the Devil himself has picked the same day to play Road Hog with any former clergymen he encounters, in his bad ass customized black pick up. Finally, in the silliest segment of the evening, we meet a family dealing with an extraordinary pest problem in "Night of the Rat", where an invincible, oversized German rat god stakes claim to the nice, chewy walls behind Steve and Claire's (Richard Masur, Veronica Cartwright) cupboards.


"I'm the king of shadow animals...", barks Lance Henriksen. "Here's a vulture..."
Despite a recent BD release from the fine folks over at Scream Factory, this one still fetches between twenty and forty bucks in all its legendary Anchor Bay full-frame dvd glory for some unknown reason; less than the hundred plus it once commanded from kooky completists out there, but still pretty steep, considering. If you hadn't noticed that "Lee James Jude", the backseat killer in the Terror in Topanga segment, is none other than Lee Ving, frontman of punk outfit FEAR, then you just weren't paying close enough attention. You'll also see Billy Jacoby and Frank Zappa's daughter, Moon Unit, in the second segment, and child actress Bridgette Andersen, who tragically overdosed at twenty-one, in the final story. Director Sargent spent decades in the chair on episodes of everything from Longstreet to Star Trek to Kojak and Lassie. He also directed The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974) and, uh... Jaws: The Revenge (1987). Two Wops oughta cover the tab for tonight's entertainment, and uh, keep the change.


"Buy our daughter a bed with peanut butter-flavored bedposts...what could go wrong, you said!"