"As Above So Below" (2015) d/ John Erick Dowdle

Welcome to 2016, folks. Hope you did right by yourselves,  as I sure did, and partied your way in like champions. We'll kick it off here with a newer genre release in 2015's American found footage horror offering, As Above So Below, as directed by the fellow who gave you stuff like 2007's Poughkeepsie Tapes, Quarantine (2008), and 2010's Devil, and starring the enchanting Brit, Showtime's own Mary Boleyn herself,  Perdita Weeks. It's a hellaciously original effort, for sure, packed with enough alchemy to send Jodorowsky walking a groovy yin-yang path with a baby hippopotamus and two bald, topless chicks and a pretty good start to the new year for genre films, I'd surmise. It's like this...


"These are some cozy bones, I'm telling you."
Enter Scarlett Marlowe (Perdita Weeks), a chick that obsessively grooves on alchemy the way Lorraine De Selle got off on ecology, that twat. With two PhD's, a Master's, six languages (two dead languages that are not Aramaic, which later introduces her old bell tower-prowling, Aramaic-translating flame, George (Ben Feldman ) to the mix), and a Krav Maga black belt, she's Tomb Raidering her way around the globe in search of the famed Philosopher's Stone, to prove her suicidal father, an alchemy historian himself, had not sought the same in vain. Her travels get her into hot water, more often than not, as evidenced by a close call in Iran, when a collapsing tunnel nearly swallows her, just as she's discovered  the "Rose Key" and documented it with photographs that she lays on George to decipher. George has made his way to Paris, having been abandoned in a Turkish jail by his former lover, who's not only looking to get her translations from him, but also to drag him into the darkest nether regions of the French catacombs on the information. She's bossy. That's right, I said it.


I think I've gone out with this chick once. Twice, tops.
Naturally, she assembles a crack team of catacomb-crawlers, each equipped with obligatory head lamp and Go Pro camera to document their findings, as guided by a street rat named Pap (Francois Civil), and with Benji (Edwin Hodge) the cameraman, George, and two of Pap's homies, Souxie and Zed (Marion Lambert and Ali Marhyar, respectively) in tow. Of course, the adventurers get stuck hundreds of feet below the Paris streets, with a crudely cordoned corridor being their only option. It just so happens that Pap's sewer-savvy pal, La Taupe, or "The Mole" (Cosme Castro) went missing down that corridor, which just so happens to display a quotation legendarily displayed above the gateway to Hell. Yeah, uhh...File under: Never enter here in a million years, under any fucking circumstances. Take a guess who blindly presses the group into the pathway in question? Hint: It's none of the rightfully spooked guys eager to face eternal damnation. What goes down, I'll leave for you to discover for yourselves.


"Charlieeeeeeeeeeee! They took my thumb!!"
I found tonight's feature perfectly fine, despite relying on the familiar camera shudder of the "found footage" sub-genre, which one would have to think, was nearing full-on exhaustion by now. Not nearly the case, as Dowdle provides several claustrophobic chills along the way, a smattering of gore, and solid performances from the entire cast. I'm pretty sure most of you will enjoy the experience nearly as much, so snag yourselves a copy and see if I'm right (Always am, no need to test that theory). On the scale, three Wops sounds like a fair assessment.


You could tell this guy how fucking awesome King Diamond is, but I'm pretty sure he already knows.

B.W.'s Top Twenty Favorite Kung Fu Actors : The Top Ten

We're back, like a former 98 lb martial weakling, fully trained in secret combat techniques and prepared to avenge our father's/brother's/sister's/mother's/sifu's untimely death at the hands of a villainous bastard who's rubbing his mustache and laughing cockily, thoroughly unfazed by this latest challenge; unaware that we've mastered the ancient counter-style, thought lost for years, and he's in for some serious foot-eating, in grueling slo-mo. Movement eight'een, Peacock displays his fancy ass-feathers to Buddha! Here's my top 10.


  10) Liu Chia Hui  The youngest of the Liu's behind Chia-Yung and eldest Chia-Liang, Gordon "Master Killer" Liu's instantly recognizable even to those beyond the HK fight club, appearing in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill series, after having a long and rich career in the Shaw Brothers productions of his older brothers and others; some of his best appearances coming in movies like Martial Club (1981), Heroes of the East (1978), Legendary Weapons of China (1982) and, of course,  The 36th Chamber of Shaolin (1978).


  9) Ti Lung  One of Shaw Brothers' early stars, the ever noble Ti Lung lends his unmistakable air of class to productions like The Deadly Duo (1971), Five Shaolin Masters (1974), and The Kung Fu Instructor (1979), as well as modern works such as John Woo's A Better Tomorrow (1986) and Liu Chia Liang's Drunken Master II (1994) opposite Jacky Chan.

 
   8) Kuo Chui   Number Four, the Lizard. My favorite Venom, Kuo usually plays a drunk or a wanderer or a beggar...or a drunken wandering beggar... in iconic Shaw Brothers productions for Chang Cheh like Daredevils of Kung Fu (1979), The Flag of Iron (1980), Five Element Ninjas (1982), as well as the aforementioned Five Venoms.


 7) Liang Chia Jen  We've come to "Beardy" himself! Though he's always been technically excellent, dating back to early Shaw flicks like Five Shaolin Masters (1974) and Marco Polo (1975), I prefer repeat viewings of his work in later films like Warriors Two (1978), Sleeping Fist (1979), The Victim (1980), Thundering Mantis (1980),  and Knockabout (1979) these days. All of his stuff is worth checking out, really.



  6) Billy Chong The Indonesian Willy Dozan was often billed as "Bruce Lee of the 80's" and was number one on my list for a long time, too,  often sparking arguments among us before and after many a kung fu class back then, but I stood firm on my choice, using movies like Super Power (1980), Kung Fu Executioner (1981), and Crystal Fist (1979) as visual evidence. Still a favorite.


  5) Liu Chia Liang The mere screen presence of this fight choreographer-turned-director, the elder statesman of the genre bar none,  uplifts any production to a must-see status. Though those appearances numbered ninety-three at the time of his death in 2013, with many glorious fights that instantly spring to mind, one only need bear witness to the spectacle that is the final fight in his own Legendary Weapons of China (1982) vs. his brother, Liu Chia Yung, to see a perfect jaw-dropping illustration.


  4) Fu Sheng  My favorite Chang Cheh regular has to be "Alexander" Fu Sheng, hands down. His comedic abilities, mischievous spirit, and general likability are top notch, and only matched by his prowess as a pugilist, having long trained under the tutelage of none other than Liu Chia Liang. Were it not for a tragic car accident in 1983, his international star would have surely rose to more dizzying heights, transcending the martial arts genre into mainstream comedy, as evidenced by the success of Hong Kong Playboys (1983).


  3) Bruce Lee Undoubtedly the King of the Kung Fu movie, and the Gold Standard by which all cinematic martial artists will forever be compared to. The four movies completed at the time of the iconic little tough guy's death in 1973, are all required viewing, for sure: Big Boss (1971), Fists of Fury (1972), Way of the Dragon (1972), and Enter the Dragon (1973).


  2) Jacky Chan In one instant, this former Peking Opera performer-turned-stunt man rose to the top by single-handedly revolutionizing the kung fu film with his own unique brand of physical kung fu comedy, performing all legendarily inhuman stunts himself along the way. Snake in the Eagle's Shadow (1978), Drunken Master (1978), Project A (1983), Police Story (1985), Armor of God (1986)...his list of excellent action movies is lengthy. If you've never seen his early classics, you're really selling yourself short as a film fan.


  1) Wang Lung Wei  Johnny Wang, who is without a doubt, the epitome of villainy in Asian action movies, naturally tops my list of favorites. "Who else... coooooooooould be", to quote Hwang Jang Lee. To Kill a Mastermind (1979), Martial Club (1981), Shaolin Temple (1976), and This Man is Dangerous (1985) contain some of my favorite vintage Wang assholery.

B.W.'s Top Twenty Favorite Kung Fu Actors : Twenty to Eleven

Alright, you pious bastards, let's spinning wheel kick off our New Year's Eve festivities here at the Wop with another of my inimitable Top Twenty lists, this time focusing on my favorite performers in martial arts movies, a fast-paced and exciting genre I've been into since the late seventies, thanks to unforgettable Saturday afternoon (and late night) television broadcasts from local channels like WNEW 5, WOR 9, and WPHL17. Keep in mind that this is a list of my favorites, not a pissing contest over whose fighting style is best, or who'd beat who in a real contest, as conjecture of that flavor is best confined to the schoolyard, really. As always, I'd love to see your lists and hear your feedback, so don't hesitate to lay it on me, if you feel so inclined. Right. Now try my double Phoenix Eye...


  20) Cynthia Rothrock  Five time forms champion and holder of seven black belts, Golden Harvest actress and Delaware native, Cynthia Rothrock, is a lot more fun to look at than say, Hwang Jang Lee/Wong Cheng Li, for me. Can't put my finger on it, but she's got that certain something...ahem.


  19) Casanova Wong How about the Korean Tae Kwon Do expert and supreme kicker, Casanova Wong? Check out his undeniable skills in things like Warriors Two (1978) and Tower of Death (1981).


  18) Tan Tao Liang While we're on the subject of great kickers, let's add "Flash Legs" to the mix. The Invincible Kung Fu Legs (1980) and The Hot, the Cool and the Vicious (1976) are good flicks to hunt down for a display of his remarkable abilities.


  17) Hsiao Ho Look for Mad Monkey Kung Fu (1979), Legendary Weapons of China (1982), and My Young Auntie (1981) for Hsiao in a starring capacity, which he most certainly deserved more of, during his long career in movies.


  16) Chiang Sheng  You'll remember "Cutie Pie" as the hybrid venom in Chang Cheh's The Five Venoms (1978), but this acrobatic star also shows off his skills in things like Invincible Shaolin (1978), Crippled Avengers (1978), and Shaolin Rescuers (1979).


  15) Lu Feng  Number one, the Centi-pede! Besides The Five Venoms (1978), you can also check out The Kid With The Golden Arm (1978), House of Traps (1982), and 1981's Masked Avengers for more of this popular member of the Venom gang.


  14) Sammo Hung  You'll most likely recall Jacky Chan's portly Peking Opera mate in his legendary sparring scene vs. Bruce Lee in 1973's Enter the Dragon, but Big, Big Brother has had a gloriously long career in martial arts movies, from Knockabout (1979) and Wheels on Meals (1985) to Pedicab Driver (1989) and Ip Man 2 (2010).


  13) Hui Ying Hung  The lovely and talented Kara Hui figures prominently in the films of Shaw Brothers directors Chang Cheh and Liu Chia Liang, who gave her a start in 1976's Challenge of the Masters. You can admire her skill in movies like My Young Auntie (1981), Martial Club (1981), and 1982's Cat vs. Rat.


  12) Lo Mang Shaw Brothers muscular strongman and long time favorite of Chang Cheh, Lo is best known as The Toad in The Five Venoms (1978), though you owe it to yourself to check out some of his other films, like The Kid With The Golden Arm (1978), Chinatown Kid (1977), aand Ten Tigers of Kwangtung (1979).


  11) Yuen Biao Besides doubling for everybody (yes, even Bruce Lee) in various stunt capacities, Jacky Chan's other famous Peking Opera brother shows off his amazing flexibility and high flying acrobatics in films like Knockabout (1978), The Prodigal Son (1981), Young Master (1980), and Yuen Woo Ping's Dreadnaught (1981).