Wednesday, February 25, 2009

B.W. Goes to the Movies:Friday the 13th(2009)d/Marcus Nispel

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"It's gonna be fuckin' stupid."I must've heard that twenty-five times since the first time I saw the teaser trailer and suggested to my roommate Doc that we should hit the theater for this new Friday the 13th remake.Well,no shit,Dr. Obvious.The whole series was never exactly renowned for any tangible integrity dating back thirty years now,and I had no notions this year's model was gonna be any different,especially after hearing Michael Bay's name was attached to it.If you've been living like the unabomber for the past ten years,Bay is the douchebag responsible for the reprehensible and unnecessary remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and its even less necessary prequel,among others.What possessed this guy who once directed a Great White(the band,not the Italian Jaws rip-off)video to take an extended artistic leak all over a beloved,nearly flawless horror classic like TCM I'll never comprehend(I'll bet fellow douchebag Rob Zombie might have the answer to this one),but in this case,we're talking about a franchise that has sent its trademark hydrocephallic murderer into space,to Hell,and midtown Manhattan for twenty onscreen minutes in the worst of the series,ferchrissakes.How much worse could Michael Bay make it?
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Don't look now,there's a huge,deformed,homicidal mongoloid bent on blood vengeance directly behind you.
I'll lay the good news on you first.It doesn't outstink Jason Takes Manhattan.That said,it's still not a good movie.Sure all the trendy MTV camerawork and editing is in place(which I'm completely fucking tired of by now,thanks),the obligatory attractive twenty-something nymphomaniacs searching out a ganja cashcrop(didn't we see this sort of thing in the poop TCM remake?) that happens to have been planted..drumroll..not all that far from the notorious Camp Crystal Lake,where the horrible murders took place all those years ago,culminating in the lopping off of Mrs. Voorhees' screaming domepiece,and the now-commonplace horrible redneck-neighbors-in-the-know who let the revenge-minded retard dole out disturbing death from his packrat shack(oh yeah,now it's a house).Only now,he's got an underground mine he utilizes(hey,it works in My Bloody Valentine,right?Who needs the summer camp thing,anyways!).As for the protagonists,none of them possess an inkling of what could be lightly described as likeable personality.Not since Larry Zerner's Shelly in Pt.3 in 3D has there been a victim I've hated instantaneously as much as every single body that falls by the wayside in this disaster.The murders,which I've heard ravings about all over the place,are neither original,nor particularly gory.There's also only one instance of Harry Manfredini's signature incidental score in the whole film.Seriously,it doesn't even deserve this much written about it.German-born director Nispel should have stuck to Puff Daddy and Spice Girls videos.What harm would there have been in financing a Jason movie that takes the franchise off in a new and/or original direction a la Jason X,instead of forcefeeding rabid horror fans the same old pabulum repackaged and dumbed down a thousand times over the way this one was?Now for the scary part...This scheiße-fest is already doing extremely well at the boxoffice,so expect an assinine sequel in the near future.Ki,ki,ki,ma,ma,ma.
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Seriously,Sackhead Jason should hit Antique Roadshow.Look at all that junk!
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8 comments:

T. L. Bugg said...

Great Write up, and I think you pegged it with your rating of Entertainingly Bad. I had fun watching the film even with all it's problems, and I'll probably re-watch it on DVD. None of the Ft13th movies are particularly good (especially part 4 +) So I feel like this one fits right along with the others.

beedubelhue said...

So long as you go in with reasonable expectations,and not hopes for the American equivalent of Mario Bava or Alejandro Jodorowsky,it's a pretty painless hour and a half,despite the shortcomings.Just watched pt.4 again last night,and I used to loooove that movie as a teenager.WTF was I thinking!Haha,thanks for the input,Signore Bugg!

Soiled Sinema said...

The scene where he grabs "nipple placement" is one of my favorites. As he hold hers struggling body that was D.O.A., through his mask you see one eye that at times looks perplexed, even unsure.

This film definitely has amazing moments. Such as his stature and presence when the yuppie kid's being driven away.

Let's not forget the shower curtain scene.

Mmmmm. Cinematography

beedubelhue said...

I'll definitely watch it again,SS.Afterall I've screened certain Andy Milligan films multiple times(and the gods only know why),and there's not a single moment of brilliance in ANY of his films.
I'm all for a well thought out,effective shot,and there were more in this than I've given credit for,but I'm growing increasingly weary of the carbon copy style of cinematography so many American horror movies are using these days.It's almost to the point where if you threw on four genre flicks from the past two years back-to-back,you'd nearly have the cinematic equivalent of a run-on sentence.And I'm a stickler for nipple placement,too!

Balberith said...

I don't know.. I can't even read this review to be honest. I am a fan of the original, especially since it has some of Tom's memorable work...

I just can't do it.. but I will mention again how much I love that picture of you

beedubelhue said...

I'd never knock Savini at the height of his game back in the late seventies/early eighties,you oughta know that.Although Final Chapter blows as a movie,Savini certainly pulled no punches in the FX category,and I'd STILL like to see it completely uncut!

beedubelhue said...

...And sugartalk like that's only gonna buy me twin amputated diabetic feet down the line somwhere.Haha!

Soiled Sinema said...

I've seen many, if not all of the new age horror scene that's been quaking through our generation. I've seen no evidence of any stylistic shot sequences that are near the integrity of F13's.

I'll write a list of the scenes I enjoy sometime soon. That film needs a strong defense. But it's worth it.

 
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