Thursday, March 3, 2016

"Piranha 3DD" (2012) d/ John Gulager

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As David Hasselhoff arrives at the "Big Wet" waterpark for a grand opening promotion in tonight's review, the sequel to Alexandre Aja's remake of a 1978 Joe Dante cult classic as handled by the guy who gave you Feast (2005), its two direct-to-video sequels, and a tv-movie about zombies, he proclaims to himself, "Welcome to rock bottom." We as viewers were aware of this certainty as early as the pre-credits sequence that features Clu Gulager, Gary Busey, and a waterlogged bovine corpse farting out giant pool ball-sized prehistoric piranha eggs. Not very high brow stuff we're covering here this time around, huh...

Move over, Casablanca :"Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina."
Judging by the aforementioned intro, it would seem that the bass-sized meat eaters have survived the humans previous onslaught at Lake Victoria and have set their fish-eyed sights on Big Wet, an adult-themed water park on Cross Lake run by an unscrupulous money-hoarding, boob-ogling, light bulb head named Chet (David Koechner), who's got the local deputy, Kyle (Chris Zylka), in his pocket, and his visiting step daughter, Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) on his case, for replacing the lifeguards with water-certified strippers. Lots of topless bobblers bounce to and fro in slo-mo to fully beat this point into submission. Meanwhile, Maddy is a hot commodity to both Deputy Kyle, who she's hooked up with in the past, and lowly water park employee, Barry (Matt Bush), who spears trash with a trident and shuffles along in a shark costume. Her friends Ashley and Travis meet a watery end in a dated-looking party van, and her virgin pal Shelby has her genitals infiltrated by an embryonic piranha. After Maddy and Shelby are nearly snacked upon by the invading predators, the kids set out to visit Mr. Goodman (Christopher Lloyd), who's been locked away, studying the fish and gleefully stealing You Tube hits from "Laughing Diarrhea Baby".

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Hasselhoff daydreams of simpler times and more challenging roles, like "Boner" in Revenge of the Cheerleaders (1976).
Stressed out by the coming catastrophe, Shelby demands that Josh fuck her, right there, only to have the baby piranha that's been living inside her wriggle downstream and bite the poor kid's prick tip off, mid-coitus. Meanwhile, Maddy is haunted by nightmares of being attacked by piranhas who rudely interrupt her tubby time and Chet is hearing zero piranha warnings from anybody with the park's lucrative grand opening upon them, with aging celebrity, David Hasselhoff (himself, naturally), on board overseeing the event as a faux lifeguard, in between drunken hotel menage a trois with young groupies while writing future pop hits for Germany like "Love Hunter", that is. Opening day brings more quivering slo-mo boobs on the water slides, and splish-splashy teen male chauvinist fun, even drawing a hilariously aquaphobic Ving Rhames back to reprise his role as the heroic Deputy Fallon from the original remake, now legless, and pushed around by that gap-toothed comedian, Paul Scheer, for more cheap laughs. Without further elaboration, you already know how this is all going to end up...

She's just upset that the head is bigger than her blood-soaked breasts. Somehow.
Danielle Panabaker has scored herself countless television appearances, as well as roles in the Friday the 13th (2009) and Crazies (2010) remakes. Adrian Martinez is probably best known for following Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers around with a foam cheese wedge on his head and shouting "Heeeey Radjahs! Discount double check!" in those asinine, witless commercials. It's only fitting he's here fucking a pool filter and getting bitten up the ass by piranhas. Three people (!) wrote the screenplay, rife with dialog gems like : "She's afraid to have sex 'cause her slutty cousin gave birth to a flipper baby." Yeah, it's a glorified SyFy original with a five million dollar budget and jiggling juggies in 3D, and nobody's going into it expecting Don't Look Now (1973) or Daughters of Darkness (1971). I think it wears a single Wop like an Intercontinental Wrestling Championship belt. You might even be inclined to agree with me.

"What did I tell you about going into the water less than twenty minutes after eating, young man ?!!?"
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