"Maniac"(2013) d/Franck Khalfoun

As somebody who actually saw the Lustig original in the theaters back in 1980 (go ahead, rupture my stones and call me a dusty old relic, let's see what you blouses look like at forty-four), it'd be effortless for me to portray the role of Pist Pisstofferson, for whom fun, time, and joy have all long since passed by, and spiritedly slag off this latest remake from the New Wave of French Horror's dynamic duo of Franck Khalfoun and Alexandre Aja as another unnecessary and unoriginal one in a pungent, growing heap, but I'll reserve such harsh judgment for more deserving movies. This particular remake is kind of a hoot. People seem surprised that an actor like Elijah Wood is as convincing and effective as a mentally unhinged psychopath as he is here, but I've been in his corner since Green Street Hooligans (cinematic thuggery wins me over every time), and though he isn't nearly as overweight as Joe Spinell was in the original, he manages to look every bit as sweaty and unwashed. That's impressive.


"May I photograph your stiff?", queries the innocent Anna (Nora Arnezeder).
Frank (Wood) has some serious issues, thanks in major part to a psychologically destructive upbringing from a nymphomaniac called Mom (America Olivo)( who's more concerned about scoring her next 80's style-flashback double penetration than her son's mental well-being), not the least of which being constant crippling migraine headaches accompanied by vivid hallucinations that force him to abuse his prescribed anti-psychotic meds, as he tries to carve out a living for himself in the family business, antiquing and restoring vintage department store mannequins. Being a slight, unthreatening creep unhampered by girlfriends does allow for the pursuit of hobbies, as we see Frank enjoys a number, himself, like stalking and murdering random women, scalping them, and nailing the pulpy trophies to the foreheads of his favorite dummies in his secret hideaway. I collect first editions of books, but everybody's got their own bag, man.


"I warned you not to sing 'Frodo of the Nine Fingers' within earshot of me again, tonight!"
After Frank blows through several victims like an e-date, a young clubber, and a gallerist, in the same way yours cruelly goes through a pack of cool mentholated doogs on any given evening, he meets a beautiful young artist named Anna (Arnezeder), who's seemingly the only girl in the city who's able to see past Frank's awkward, lonely exterior and free the beauty and art that's trapped within as they get to know each other. Actually, rather than the dimepiece she portrays, to score Frankie-boy's dummies for her upcoming art exhibit, she turns out to be just another dime a dozen, self-serving egotist chick with a jerk off boy friend, that you find yourself cheering on to get the next close haircut. In the end, his fragile grip on reality slips away, and he's forced to face physical manifestations of his broken subconscious, with similar results to the original's conclusion...


"Owwwwww! Awful touchy about that tv movie 'Day-O' you did, aren't you?"
For every thing I wasn't stoked about seeing (the CG gore comes off clunky and artificial in a few spots, as per usual these days) here, I found two that I enjoyed (the first person perspective was effectively executed, allowing for some inventive shot selection throughout, and French newcomer Nora Arnezeder is an acceptably cute replacement for legendary Hammer vixen Caroline Munro, as the film's main eye candy on display), but I still can't avoid the inevitable comparisons to the original film, whose downer vibes and groundbreaking gore still have people talking about it over thirty years later. Though this is decent enough in it's own right, nobody's gonna be talking about it thirty days later. On the scale, the Khalfoun remake peels back a bloody chunk of scalp to reveal a respectable deuce. Check it out, and let me know what you think.


"That's the last time I smoke bath salts in Gandalf's dressing room..."

"P2"(2007)d/Franck Khalfoun

First of all, big sarcasm-flavored ups to Blogger/Google for deleting the vast majority of my "Don't Torture a Duckling" post during regular site maintenance, I appreciate when hours worth of my work ends up swirling down the e-toilet bowl.Good job, nerds.Tonight we're finally getting around to covering this 2007 offering from the creative team of Aja/Khalfoun/Levasseur, after grabbing the five dollar disc during a late night Wal Mart melee amidst the life struggles of local Jazzy-riding she-elephant seals in camoflage moo-moo's fighting over the last box of pure trans fats.I managed to get away with the disc in my shopping cart and most of my fingers intact, with both of the natural bo-hemoths rolling off into the sunrise, ready to spew their regular flows of illiterate fear-based ignorance on Talkback 16.In retrospect, I probably should have picked up "Sharktopillar vs. Man-squito", or some other ridiculous pungent made-for-SyFy deuce starring Erik Estrada, or some other has-been from the eighties, instead.If you've seen the trailer for this entry, you've pretty much seen the whole movie already.The blame can't be placed upon Rachel Nichols, who does a pretty good job as a Manhattan businesswoman-turned-wet n' dirty tart flitting through a cold, dark parking garage for her miserable life in a slut-tastic dress.The reason this one goes nowhere fast, I think, is Wes Bentley, who you'll probably remember as the weird kid with the video camera in "American Beauty".In P2, he's a psychotic, obssessed security guard/stalker, which he serves up with all the danger of a mosh pit full of six year old handicapped girls, and to a lesser degree, the aforementioned writing trio, whose screenplay comes off flatter'n a carpenter's dream.The sparse gore is handled pretty well, but the cat-and-mouse tension necessary to make this type of film work, is nonexistent throughout the movie.I've been more concerned using a somewhat edgy butter knife while throwing a PB sammy together, truth be told.Forwards!

A creep's dilemma:"Sure I chloroformed you, changed you into slutty clothes, and chained your leg to the table, doesn't that prove how much I love you?"
So Angela Bridges(Rachel Nichols) gets stuck working late in a downtown Manhattan high-rise on Christmas Eve, and beneath the office block, she discovers that her car won't start when she's finally ready to punch the clock for the holiday.She seeks help from a lonely parking garage security guard named Thomas(Wes Bentley), who offers to share his meager security office Christmas celebration with her when he can't get her car started.She declines, calling a taxi that she waits for in the lobby.When the taxi arrives, she realizes she's locked in the building.Back in the garage, the lights shut off, forcing her to use the glow of her cell phone to illuminate the darkened corridors.Thomas treats her to a chloroform-soaked rag for her troubles, and drags her back to his office, where he changes her into a revealing white dress and high heels, and chains her leg to the table.She later hazily awakens to discover she's prisoner to this minimum wage dipstick in a Santa suit.Thomas tells Angela that he loves her despite her sins, which he's witnessed via closed-circuit secuirty cameras throughout the building for some time.She threatens that her boyfriend will soon come looking for her, but Thomas, who's been stalking her for quite a while, knows better.He forces her to call her family and cancel on their party plans, feigning sickness, so no one will question her absence.He then takes her to a lower level of the garage, where he's bound her co-worker, Jim(Simon Reynolds) to an office chair.Thomas is convinced that Jim is evil for drunkenly pawing Angela during an office party in one of the building's elevators, and after beating his head open with a maglite, he repeatedly drives the poor bastard into a cement wall until his innards are splattered all over the concrete.

Tripe for Christmas again?I hate tripe.
While Thomas is playing 'Silly Buggers' with the car, Angela manages to escape, and while he disposes of the gory evidence, she hurries back to the office and jacks up a set of key cards, before hiding in the elevator and using the intercom to call for help.The Hindu voice on the other end turns out to be Thomas, who floods her out of the elevator from a higher floor with a fire hose, and fills the garage loudspeakers with strains of Elvis' "Blue Christmas"(could have picked a more nerve-wracking holiday song, I think).Angela then breaks a fire axe free, smashing every camera on the way back to the guard office, where she witnesses a tape of Thomas ogling her sizeable bobblers and molesting her as she lies unconscious.Her angry rage is quickly dispersed by the security guard, who knocks her out again.While Thomas does his best to give two inquisitive policemen the slip, Angela comes to and escapes again, killing Thomas' rottweiler with a lugnut wrench in the process.She tries an escape by car this time, leading to a subterranean game of chicken with the deranged security guard, where Angela flips her vehicle.Thomas inspects the wreckage more closely,and Angela thrusts the sharp end of her lugnut wrench into his eye socket, handcuffing him to the car.She takes his stun gun and begins to walk away, but Thomas' steady flow of insults(The C word?How dare you!) cause her to use the tazer to light a stream of gasoline leaking from the wreck on fire.The psychotic chauvenist is quickly engulfed in flames, and the car explodes as she opens the gates, walking out into a cold Manhattan Christmas morning just as an ambulance stops to pick her up.Roll credits.

A lugnut wrench?! For me?! Awww, you shouldn't have.
With four or five more inventive kills, some wittier dialogue, and a stronger antagonist, P2 could have been a more memorable, more enjoyable romp, but as we know all too well here at the Wop, speculation is just that once the finished product is in the can.The lovely Nichols, who appeared in the Amityville Horror remake in 2005, as well as the Star Trek remake(2009) and GI Joe:The Rise of Cobra(2009), refused to appear nude or go braless for P2, satisfied with the compromise of filling most of her screen time with ample cleavage instead.Her cleavage is surely one of the high points of the movie, too, for sure.On the scale, P2 misplaces its parking ticket, scoring just one single Wop on the scale.Pass.

Here's one eye that won't be home for Christmas.

"Haute Tension"(2003)d/Alexandre Aja

Aja, Aja, Aja.To avoid stupefaction on the subject, we won't be touching on this Aja tonight(Troll 2 or two trolls,you decide), or this Aja(I wouldn't rule out future entries though), but this one, and his breakthrough film, a controversial return to the blood-spattered gory/glory days of the eighties slasher movie, and an unauthorized re-envisioning of Dean Koontz' novel, Intensity.I've been wanting to review this one for ages.Better late than never, as I, a terminal procrastinator, always say.Out of the four horror projects he's taken the director's chair on thus far, this one is far and away my favorite.I'm aware I've previously mentioned Alexandre in a list of directors to watch, and that he's gone ahead and made remakes since, effectively making me look like a big fat liar, but I still think he might have what it takes to be one of the next generation of greats, with a little more effort, of course.Il est temps d'être sérieux déjà, Alexandre!
Cécile de France sort of comes off as and strongly resembles a French Ellen Degeneres for the most part as Marie, while Maïwenn Le Besco appropriately conveys being fully terrified and terrorized with great aplomb as Alex.Phillippe Nahon, on the other hand, is unforgettably diabolical as the grimy killer, whose on-screen handiwork is deftly handled by the Italian gore maestro, Gianetto De Rossi, who blows NC-17 level chunks of gore skyward here with masterful precision, as is usually the case.On a good day, few could match him, and he may have outdone his own best on tonight's movie, released a year later as "Switchblade Romance" in the U.K., and two years later in the U.S. and Canada as "High Tension".

All kashrut and halal dietary laws were observed in this exsanguination.
Marie and Alex(Cécile de France, Maïwenn Le Besco) drive to Alex's parents' house for the weekend.After the obligatory boring tour of the country estate and equally unmoving dinner, the girls hit their respective sacks, with Marie doing some mouse double-clicking in bed to strains of reggae on her headphones while Alex saws logs.The doorbell ominously rings(those middle-of-the-night doorbells are never any good,as history shows us), interrupting both Marie's masturbatory exercise and Alex's father's sleep as well.He answers the door to find out that it's only the friendly neighborhood homicidal maniac(Philippe Nahon), eager to do some spirited candle-snuffing and kidnapping.After slashing the man with a straight razor and wedging his head between two staircase railing posts, he uses a bookcase as a makeshift guillotine, severing his head with a well-placed shove.10.0, 9.9, 10.0, say the judges.Marie, hearing Alex's mother's screaming discovery of her husband's displaced domepiece, frantically rearranges the guest room she's been in and crawls under the bed, to give the murderer the notion that no one's been staying there when he inspects it for new vics.Once the coast is clear, she clambers downstairs to Alex's room to find her chained there(this guy works fast,huh).While looking for a phone in Alex's parents room, Marie is forced to hide in a closet with a slatted door, through which she watches as the fiend cuts Alex's mother's throat(air cut? blood cut?I think he covers both with one good slash) before her very eyes.The girl's younger brother makes a break for a nearby cornfield, but the killer foils his escape plans with a shotgun blast.Alex gets herself dragged into the pyscho's truck, but Marie manages to sneak in with a butcher knife before they're both locked in and he drives off.

You've got a bit of red on you, matey.
The maniac stops at a gas station as Marie hands the shiv to Alex before sneaking inside to get help.Hiding in an aisle, she witnesses the night clerk as he's midsection-hacked with an axe by the burly killer, who returns to the truck and drives off, with Marie taking the dead worker's car keys and follows after, down a desolate road.After driving her car off the road and chasing her, badly injured from the wreck, on foot into the forest, the killer finds himself on the wrong end of a fence post wrapped in barbed wire, but when Marie inspects his motionless body, he springs at her throat.She manages to wrap his barbed wire beaten-grill in a plastic sheet, finally suffocating the bejeezus out of the sick bastard.After returning to his truck, she notices that Alex seems to be less than pleased to see her, perhaps a tad bit terrifed even.The police finally arrive at the gas station, investigating what the tape of the in-store camera, which clearly shows...you ready for it? Marie planting the chopper in the clerk's chest.Wait...whaaaa?We're then treated with how Alex's family really met their untimely late night demise(Marie again).Seems there never was any hulking,smelly pyschopath on the loose afterall, except inside Marie's twisted grey matter.Alex asks the pyschiatric hospital orderlies if the two way glass will hide her visit from the lovesick sappho-schizo, and when a sutured up Marie turns and reaches towards the mirror, well, she has her answer,doesn't she?

Ever wonder what the marriage between a concrete saw and a man's torso would look like? Fret not, Gianetto's got you covered.
The cop out twist ending, a half-hearted, illogical break from Koontz's plot if you ask me, really busts up an hour plus of well-crafted tension and suspense.Luckily for Haute, I really like the rest of the movie enough to look past it, as weak as it is.Cécile de France followed this role up with one in the Around the World in 80 Days(2004) remake beside Jackie Chan(I'd rather not voice an opinion on anything he's done post-Rumble in the Bronx, if you don't mind).Maïwenn worked with director Luc Besson in the nineties on Leon:The Professional and The Fifth Element.The 72 year old Nahon's cinematic resume'(which begins in 1962) is much more genre-friendly than the two female stars, having appeared in French fare like the bizarre Calvaire, Gaspar Noe's Irréversible, and The Pack recently.Director Aja has several projects in the works, including a big screen adaption of a Japanese manga, Space Adventure Cobra.Not my bag, man.Tension gets three big ones on the scale.

Dory's short-term memory loss and constant swimming lands her a place in the fishbowl for mentals.

"Piranha 3D"(2010)d/Alexandre Aja

As you might be able to guess, tonight's review is a good time: gallons of geysering stage blood, ample prosthetic Nicotero piranha bites, and bobbling d cup bikini dumplings as far as the eye can see,served up salaciously by genre director, Alexandre Aja, the man responsible for Haute Tension(2003) and the Hills Have Eyes remake; a veritable seven course meal of mayhem for any self-respecting horror fanatic to wrap his or her 3D glasses around.Despite all the dementedly delectable factors in place here, I still expected a lot more from Aja at this stage of the game, and I somehow managed to come away from this remake feeling kinda flat and disappointed.Judging by the overwhelming positivity towards this feature on the webs, and upcoming sequel from Dimension Pictures, my gut and I might just be alone on this one over here... still, I gotta call 'em like I see 'em.

"Motorboat goes in the lake...prehistoric piranhas in the lake... you go in the motorboat...farewell and adieu, to you fair Spanish ladieeeeees..."
A small earthquake in Arizona causes a split in the lake bottom underneath Lake Victoria, which frees up multitudes of angry prehistoric ancestors to modern day piranhas that have been evolving the past two million years, undetected in an underground cavern below.Feeling more than a little peckish after their prolonged nap, they make a quick snack out of fisherman Matt Boyd(Richard Dreyfuss) after the whirlpool pulls him into the water.With an impending spring break drawing twenty thousand partying half-naked teenagers to the small surrounding community, there'll be no shortage of fish food, either.Enter Jake(Steven R. McQueen),a likeable kid who's trying to juggle babysitting his kid brother and sister, reunite with former flame, Kelly(Jessica Szohr), and scout locations for Wild, Wild Girls producer Derrick Jones(Jerry O'Connell)and his travelling entourage of nude water nymphs, while keeping the peace with his mother, Julie(Elisabeth Shue), who also happens to be the town sheriff.While Jake parties it up on the Barracuda, Derrick's boat, with Kelly, Danni, and Crystal, and his two young siblings unwittingly strand themselves on a sandbar, his mother inspects the newly formed fissure with a team of seismologists who end up a scuba tank Smörgåsbord for the flesh-hungry fish.Novak, the lone survivor, and Julie rush one of the specimens to Mr. Goodman(Christopher Lloyd),a marine biologist-turned-pet store owner, who identifies the uniquely dentified predators from a fossil and warns of the bloodbath of epic proportions that just might ensue, if we're lucky enough.

"Aren't you Jim from 'Taxi'?"
Before too long, tits and asses meet toothy fishes, and all Hell breaks loose on the lake.A wet t-shirt contest(hosted by none other than Eli Roth)on a floating stage is interrupted by thousands of piranhas,and despite the best rescue efforts of Julie's deputies, the water soon turns blood red and is littered with random, floating body parts.The Barracuda's glass bottom(used for some really choice underwater shots of aqua-lesbianism earlier in the day)smashes on the rocks after Jake rescues his siblings from the tiny island,and Derrick finds himself eaten from the waist down(one piranha burps his dick out only to have another one partially devour it!).His lens candy also ends up on the menu, with disembodied silicone tit-bags floating to the lake bottom(!!).The sheriff and Novak arrive via motorboat to rescue the remaining survivors while a rope-tied Jake uses flares and propane tanks on the sinking yacht to eradicate the majority of piranhas Bradford Dillman-style.Goodman interrupts the premature celebration to inform Julie that the fish she brought him earlier was merely a juvenile.Before anyone can question the adults whereabouts out loud,a huge piranha jumps out of the water, knocking Novak off the boat.Roll credits.

Derrick Jones(Jerry O'Connell)gets stripped to his bones.
Among the impressive ensemble cast that includes Dreyfuss(parodying his character in Jaws, which the original movie ripped off), Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, and Jerry O'Connell, are porn queens Gianna Michaels, Ashlynn Brooke, and Riley Steele, on board to be ravaged by cgi fish instead of the usual(dicks).As much as I hate cgi anything, some of it doesn't look bad here, and KNB once again goes above and beyond for inventive splatter effects as to be expected.The cinematography is pretty lush for a b-movie remake of a b-movie, though choppy editing allows a few major characters to vanish from the storyline without an explanation for anybody who might have been paying attention to such things.Still, this is enjoyable, emptyheaded fun that doesn't take itself very seriously, and you'll probably like it, as I did.With all the factors in place the way they are here, it'd be hard for anyone to foul it up to the point of mediocrity, the way Aja almost does.Two big ones on the scale.

A hapless bimbo's grill gets swum out of like a ceramic aquarium decoration.