"The Green Inferno" (2013) d/ Eli Roth

In case you wandered out for a fresh box of Grins, Smiles, Giggles and Laughs at the outset of the seventies and got yourself lost in the process... for the next forty years, it's not classified information that director Umberto Lenzi is the primus inter pares of Italian cannibal movies, to which fellow director Ruggero Deodato also claims apostolic succession. Eli Roth, on the other hand, has shown unquestionable loyalty to the horror genre throughout his career in filmmaking, from directing Cabin Fever (2002) and Hostel (2005), to producing The Last Exorcism (2010) and Clown (2014), establishing himself as a prime purveyor of pernicious potency along the way,  so in my best estimation, it was only a matter of time before he put his own spin on the infamous sub-genre that Lenzi and Deodato popularized years earlier. Procrastinator extraordinaire that I,  no doubt, am, managed to get to a theater and see it at an eleven pm showing on one of its final area engagements. It went something like this...


"We are the CIT's so pity us, the kids are brats, the food is hideousssss..."
The collegiate idealist, Justine (Lorenza Izzo), despite some light ribbing from her drug-addled gal pal, Kaycee (Sky Ferreira),  gets mixed up with the campus' most outspoken social justice warriors, escaping the systemic patriarchal oppression of the United States for the lush tropical clime of the Amazon River basin, as led by the aloof Alejandro (Ariel Levy), who's every bit as shady as he is charismatic. The naive student, along with many of her equally clueless peers, believes she'll be sabotaging corporate greed via satellite feed through cellphones, but that's obviously not gonna go according to plans, as anyone who's seen the trailer can attest. Before too long, she finds herself at the business end of an assault rifle, and subsequently, rounded up by red-faced Indio fans of Moe Howard (his haircut, at least, I'm not sure if any of the Stooges ate human flesh...maybe Larry Fine?) and slapped into a bamboo cage, where she's forced to bear witness to her chunky token black pal Jonah (Aaron Burns) being dismembered alive at the hands of the cannibal tribe, whose colorfully cruel and cataracted elder especially savours eating his eyes, freshly plucked from the sockets. Yeah, bleeeech.


"You're smearing blood on a vegan...hello? Problematic! Stop triggering me!"
After a vaginal horning from the elder, who doubles as the tribal gynecologist, apparently,  proves Justine to be worthy of the white powder treatment, she's forced to juggle her homicidal thoughts of Alejandro, who'd used her as an expendable patsy while in cahoots with the very corporation he'd set out to shut down, and formulating a viable escape plan while her friends are systematically lifted from the bamboo prison, one by one, and slain and prepared for dinner before her very eyes. One chick is forced to discreetly evacuate her problematic bowels in the corner of the cage. Poo-poo humor, nice touch. When the prisoners are later fed what they believe to be pork in primitive bowls, one vegan lass is shocked to find her girlfriend's tattooed skin at the bottom of the bowl, after a fruitless escape attempt, no doubt. The horrified, brokenhearted blonde cannibal then slashes her own throat in a final protest. When the tribe mistakenly consumes the group's resident stoner, who's eaten a few ounces of weed beforehand, Justine and Daniel (Nicolas Martinez) are given a brief window of opportunity for dramatic jungle escape, while the zooted cannibals lie around,  play their Black Sabbath records, and think about ordering a pizza. What transpires afterwards, you'll have to see for yourselves.


'White Priviledge' in the Amazon: We'll cook most of you before eating you.
How many "Meatballs" (1979) references will I make before it's all over? Just all of them... The goopy effects, provided by KNB, are anatomically effective and brutally brilliant, as usual. Naturally, Inferno will have drawn innumerable comparisons with cult scene fiends to Cannibal Ferox (1980) and Cannibal Holocaust (1979) before all is said and done, and though it clearly tips a knowing hat to those films throughout its run time (some might say the only aspect it hasn't culled from its Italian predecessors was the rampant animal cruelty that ran through the entire sub-genre during its period of popularity, and that's not a bad thing, unless your last name happens to be Dahmer), I think it also stands on it's own merit as a clever modern take with ample wince-worthy acts of violence for the gorehounds. I like what the "Bear Jew" is doing, and I'd hope he continues to produce such genre movies of quality, as I'll be sure to see all of them along the way. He's got my vote, thus far. On the scale, three Wops for a choice chunk of anthropophaginian entertainment that you oughta catch for your own benefit. See it!


"I'm not appropriating your culture, so don't appropriate my clitoris, you Indio-chauvenist pigs!"

"Piranha 3D"(2010)d/Alexandre Aja

As you might be able to guess, tonight's review is a good time: gallons of geysering stage blood, ample prosthetic Nicotero piranha bites, and bobbling d cup bikini dumplings as far as the eye can see,served up salaciously by genre director, Alexandre Aja, the man responsible for Haute Tension(2003) and the Hills Have Eyes remake; a veritable seven course meal of mayhem for any self-respecting horror fanatic to wrap his or her 3D glasses around.Despite all the dementedly delectable factors in place here, I still expected a lot more from Aja at this stage of the game, and I somehow managed to come away from this remake feeling kinda flat and disappointed.Judging by the overwhelming positivity towards this feature on the webs, and upcoming sequel from Dimension Pictures, my gut and I might just be alone on this one over here... still, I gotta call 'em like I see 'em.

"Motorboat goes in the lake...prehistoric piranhas in the lake... you go in the motorboat...farewell and adieu, to you fair Spanish ladieeeeees..."
A small earthquake in Arizona causes a split in the lake bottom underneath Lake Victoria, which frees up multitudes of angry prehistoric ancestors to modern day piranhas that have been evolving the past two million years, undetected in an underground cavern below.Feeling more than a little peckish after their prolonged nap, they make a quick snack out of fisherman Matt Boyd(Richard Dreyfuss) after the whirlpool pulls him into the water.With an impending spring break drawing twenty thousand partying half-naked teenagers to the small surrounding community, there'll be no shortage of fish food, either.Enter Jake(Steven R. McQueen),a likeable kid who's trying to juggle babysitting his kid brother and sister, reunite with former flame, Kelly(Jessica Szohr), and scout locations for Wild, Wild Girls producer Derrick Jones(Jerry O'Connell)and his travelling entourage of nude water nymphs, while keeping the peace with his mother, Julie(Elisabeth Shue), who also happens to be the town sheriff.While Jake parties it up on the Barracuda, Derrick's boat, with Kelly, Danni, and Crystal, and his two young siblings unwittingly strand themselves on a sandbar, his mother inspects the newly formed fissure with a team of seismologists who end up a scuba tank Smörgåsbord for the flesh-hungry fish.Novak, the lone survivor, and Julie rush one of the specimens to Mr. Goodman(Christopher Lloyd),a marine biologist-turned-pet store owner, who identifies the uniquely dentified predators from a fossil and warns of the bloodbath of epic proportions that just might ensue, if we're lucky enough.

"Aren't you Jim from 'Taxi'?"
Before too long, tits and asses meet toothy fishes, and all Hell breaks loose on the lake.A wet t-shirt contest(hosted by none other than Eli Roth)on a floating stage is interrupted by thousands of piranhas,and despite the best rescue efforts of Julie's deputies, the water soon turns blood red and is littered with random, floating body parts.The Barracuda's glass bottom(used for some really choice underwater shots of aqua-lesbianism earlier in the day)smashes on the rocks after Jake rescues his siblings from the tiny island,and Derrick finds himself eaten from the waist down(one piranha burps his dick out only to have another one partially devour it!).His lens candy also ends up on the menu, with disembodied silicone tit-bags floating to the lake bottom(!!).The sheriff and Novak arrive via motorboat to rescue the remaining survivors while a rope-tied Jake uses flares and propane tanks on the sinking yacht to eradicate the majority of piranhas Bradford Dillman-style.Goodman interrupts the premature celebration to inform Julie that the fish she brought him earlier was merely a juvenile.Before anyone can question the adults whereabouts out loud,a huge piranha jumps out of the water, knocking Novak off the boat.Roll credits.

Derrick Jones(Jerry O'Connell)gets stripped to his bones.
Among the impressive ensemble cast that includes Dreyfuss(parodying his character in Jaws, which the original movie ripped off), Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, and Jerry O'Connell, are porn queens Gianna Michaels, Ashlynn Brooke, and Riley Steele, on board to be ravaged by cgi fish instead of the usual(dicks).As much as I hate cgi anything, some of it doesn't look bad here, and KNB once again goes above and beyond for inventive splatter effects as to be expected.The cinematography is pretty lush for a b-movie remake of a b-movie, though choppy editing allows a few major characters to vanish from the storyline without an explanation for anybody who might have been paying attention to such things.Still, this is enjoyable, emptyheaded fun that doesn't take itself very seriously, and you'll probably like it, as I did.With all the factors in place the way they are here, it'd be hard for anyone to foul it up to the point of mediocrity, the way Aja almost does.Two big ones on the scale.

A hapless bimbo's grill gets swum out of like a ceramic aquarium decoration.