"Piranha 3DD" (2012) d/ John Gulager

As David Hasselhoff arrives at the "Big Wet" waterpark for a grand opening promotion in tonight's review, the sequel to Alexandre Aja's remake of a 1978 Joe Dante cult classic as handled by the guy who gave you Feast (2005), its two direct-to-video sequels, and a tv-movie about zombies, he proclaims to himself, "Welcome to rock bottom." We as viewers were aware of this certainty as early as the pre-credits sequence that features Clu Gulager, Gary Busey, and a waterlogged bovine corpse farting out giant pool ball-sized prehistoric piranha eggs. Not very high brow stuff we're covering here this time around, huh...


Move over, Casablanca :"Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina."
Judging by the aforementioned intro, it would seem that the bass-sized meat eaters have survived the humans previous onslaught at Lake Victoria and have set their fish-eyed sights on Big Wet, an adult-themed water park on Cross Lake run by an unscrupulous money-hoarding, boob-ogling, light bulb head named Chet (David Koechner), who's got the local deputy, Kyle (Chris Zylka), in his pocket, and his visiting step daughter, Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) on his case, for replacing the lifeguards with water-certified strippers. Lots of topless bobblers bounce to and fro in slo-mo to fully beat this point into submission. Meanwhile, Maddy is a hot commodity to both Deputy Kyle, who she's hooked up with in the past, and lowly water park employee, Barry (Matt Bush), who spears trash with a trident and shuffles along in a shark costume. Her friends Ashley and Travis meet a watery end in a dated-looking party van, and her virgin pal Shelby has her genitals infiltrated by an embryonic piranha. After Maddy and Shelby are nearly snacked upon by the invading predators, the kids set out to visit Mr. Goodman (Christopher Lloyd), who's been locked away, studying the fish and gleefully stealing You Tube hits from "Laughing Diarrhea Baby".


Hasselhoff daydreams of simpler times and more challenging roles, like "Boner" in Revenge of the Cheerleaders (1976).
Stressed out by the coming catastrophe, Shelby demands that Josh fuck her, right there, only to have the baby piranha that's been living inside her wriggle downstream and bite the poor kid's prick tip off, mid-coitus. Meanwhile, Maddy is haunted by nightmares of being attacked by piranhas who rudely interrupt her tubby time and Chet is hearing zero piranha warnings from anybody with the park's lucrative grand opening upon them, with aging celebrity, David Hasselhoff (himself, naturally), on board overseeing the event as a faux lifeguard, in between drunken hotel menage a trois with young groupies while writing future pop hits for Germany like "Love Hunter", that is. Opening day brings more quivering slo-mo boobs on the water slides, and splish-splashy teen male chauvinist fun, even drawing a hilariously aquaphobic Ving Rhames back to reprise his role as the heroic Deputy Fallon from the original remake, now legless, and pushed around by that gap-toothed comedian, Paul Scheer, for more cheap laughs. Without further elaboration, you already know how this is all going to end up...


She's just upset that the head is bigger than her blood-soaked breasts. Somehow.
Danielle Panabaker has scored herself countless television appearances, as well as roles in the Friday the 13th (2009) and Crazies (2010) remakes. Adrian Martinez is probably best known for following Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers around with a foam cheese wedge on his head and shouting "Heeeey Radjahs! Discount double check!" in those asinine, witless commercials. It's only fitting he's here fucking a pool filter and getting bitten up the ass by piranhas. Three people (!) wrote the screenplay, rife with dialog gems like : "She's afraid to have sex 'cause her slutty cousin gave birth to a flipper baby." Yeah, it's a glorified SyFy original with a five million dollar budget and jiggling juggies in 3D, and nobody's going into it expecting Don't Look Now (1973) or Daughters of Darkness (1971). I think it wears a single Wop like an Intercontinental Wrestling Championship belt. You might even be inclined to agree with me.


"What did I tell you about going into the water less than twenty minutes after eating, young man ?!!?"

"Piranha 3D"(2010)d/Alexandre Aja

As you might be able to guess, tonight's review is a good time: gallons of geysering stage blood, ample prosthetic Nicotero piranha bites, and bobbling d cup bikini dumplings as far as the eye can see,served up salaciously by genre director, Alexandre Aja, the man responsible for Haute Tension(2003) and the Hills Have Eyes remake; a veritable seven course meal of mayhem for any self-respecting horror fanatic to wrap his or her 3D glasses around.Despite all the dementedly delectable factors in place here, I still expected a lot more from Aja at this stage of the game, and I somehow managed to come away from this remake feeling kinda flat and disappointed.Judging by the overwhelming positivity towards this feature on the webs, and upcoming sequel from Dimension Pictures, my gut and I might just be alone on this one over here... still, I gotta call 'em like I see 'em.

"Motorboat goes in the lake...prehistoric piranhas in the lake... you go in the motorboat...farewell and adieu, to you fair Spanish ladieeeeees..."
A small earthquake in Arizona causes a split in the lake bottom underneath Lake Victoria, which frees up multitudes of angry prehistoric ancestors to modern day piranhas that have been evolving the past two million years, undetected in an underground cavern below.Feeling more than a little peckish after their prolonged nap, they make a quick snack out of fisherman Matt Boyd(Richard Dreyfuss) after the whirlpool pulls him into the water.With an impending spring break drawing twenty thousand partying half-naked teenagers to the small surrounding community, there'll be no shortage of fish food, either.Enter Jake(Steven R. McQueen),a likeable kid who's trying to juggle babysitting his kid brother and sister, reunite with former flame, Kelly(Jessica Szohr), and scout locations for Wild, Wild Girls producer Derrick Jones(Jerry O'Connell)and his travelling entourage of nude water nymphs, while keeping the peace with his mother, Julie(Elisabeth Shue), who also happens to be the town sheriff.While Jake parties it up on the Barracuda, Derrick's boat, with Kelly, Danni, and Crystal, and his two young siblings unwittingly strand themselves on a sandbar, his mother inspects the newly formed fissure with a team of seismologists who end up a scuba tank Smörgåsbord for the flesh-hungry fish.Novak, the lone survivor, and Julie rush one of the specimens to Mr. Goodman(Christopher Lloyd),a marine biologist-turned-pet store owner, who identifies the uniquely dentified predators from a fossil and warns of the bloodbath of epic proportions that just might ensue, if we're lucky enough.

"Aren't you Jim from 'Taxi'?"
Before too long, tits and asses meet toothy fishes, and all Hell breaks loose on the lake.A wet t-shirt contest(hosted by none other than Eli Roth)on a floating stage is interrupted by thousands of piranhas,and despite the best rescue efforts of Julie's deputies, the water soon turns blood red and is littered with random, floating body parts.The Barracuda's glass bottom(used for some really choice underwater shots of aqua-lesbianism earlier in the day)smashes on the rocks after Jake rescues his siblings from the tiny island,and Derrick finds himself eaten from the waist down(one piranha burps his dick out only to have another one partially devour it!).His lens candy also ends up on the menu, with disembodied silicone tit-bags floating to the lake bottom(!!).The sheriff and Novak arrive via motorboat to rescue the remaining survivors while a rope-tied Jake uses flares and propane tanks on the sinking yacht to eradicate the majority of piranhas Bradford Dillman-style.Goodman interrupts the premature celebration to inform Julie that the fish she brought him earlier was merely a juvenile.Before anyone can question the adults whereabouts out loud,a huge piranha jumps out of the water, knocking Novak off the boat.Roll credits.

Derrick Jones(Jerry O'Connell)gets stripped to his bones.
Among the impressive ensemble cast that includes Dreyfuss(parodying his character in Jaws, which the original movie ripped off), Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, and Jerry O'Connell, are porn queens Gianna Michaels, Ashlynn Brooke, and Riley Steele, on board to be ravaged by cgi fish instead of the usual(dicks).As much as I hate cgi anything, some of it doesn't look bad here, and KNB once again goes above and beyond for inventive splatter effects as to be expected.The cinematography is pretty lush for a b-movie remake of a b-movie, though choppy editing allows a few major characters to vanish from the storyline without an explanation for anybody who might have been paying attention to such things.Still, this is enjoyable, emptyheaded fun that doesn't take itself very seriously, and you'll probably like it, as I did.With all the factors in place the way they are here, it'd be hard for anyone to foul it up to the point of mediocrity, the way Aja almost does.Two big ones on the scale.

A hapless bimbo's grill gets swum out of like a ceramic aquarium decoration.