Wednesday, November 28, 2007

"Silent Night,Deadly Night"(1984)d/Charles E. Sellier Jr.

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As we near the biggest commercial holiday season of the year,I figured it may be high time we focus the ol' glassies on a genre film or two,to get into the spirit.I was lucky enough to see this little number in the theater during its all too brief two-week run,before the parento-nazis got it pulled back in 1984.Psycho Santa is too much for you,but Jerry Springer isn't?Impressionable tykes who'd empty their bladders overnight in their racing car beds over a film like this shouldn't have been brought to a screening of it in the first place.This is hormonally-rampant teen fare,through and through,with ample doses of sex,gore,and twisted storyline to please the most acne-scarred ninth grade goofball,and further evidence that this really IS the most wonderful time of the year.
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"You see Santy Claus tonight,you better run,boy!You better run...for your life!"
It's December 1971,and little Billy's folks are taking he and his younger brother Ricky to visit their catatonic grandpa at the state squirrel farm.Nothing says Christmas like leaving your child alone with a crazy old man for a few minutes,which Billy's parents aptly do.The mute octogenarian suddenly springs to life when he notices his grandson alone at his chair,and weaves a bananas tale about Santa Claus punishing naughty children which scares six shades of shit out of the boy before his family returns.Elsewhere a robber dressed as ol' Saint Nick holds up a convenient and shoots the clerk in the head for a whopping thirty-one bucks.Merry fuckin' Christmas,indeed.The family notices a Santa(our charming murderous robber)experiencing car trouble on the side of the road.They decide to stop,despite Billy's wild sobbing that Santa was about to punish them for being naughty.They should have listened to the kid.Santa shoots Billy's dad dead in the domepiece and tries to rape his mother on the side of the road,but when she slaps his face he decides to slit her throat with a switchblade instead.Billy is hiding in some heavy brush across the street as Santa stalks him,switchblade still glistening with his mother's lifeforce,and growling,"Where are ya,ya little bastard!"Hey,I'd probably hate Santa Claus too.
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A Columbian necktie for Christmas,oh thank you,Santa!
Billy ends up at an orphanage(with his younger brother Ricky,but we'll get back to him),run by a stern disciplinarian,Mother Superior(Lilyan Chauvin),who tans the boy's hide everytime he draws Santa being graphically murdered,or peeks in on two older orphans playing "Down the Chimney",teaching the already-twisted boy that the naughty deserve punishment.You can see what we're leading up to here,can't you?Sister Margaret(Gilmer McCormick) feels for the poor boy,and resents the ass-whuppings he's constantly getting served up,claiming only love and understanding will heal the boy's deep-rooted inner demons from the past.Yeah,but then we wouldn't have a blood-thirsty psycho-Santa to dole out grisly death later on in the picture.Any OTHER bright ideas,ya penguin?
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You whistled on a Tuesday,William.Very,VERY naughty.
Years pass,and Billy grows into a strapping young man(Robert Brian Wilson)of job age.Sister Margaret,who still feels he hasn't matured into a yuletide killing machine,gets him a job as a stock boy at a local store.So far,so good.He's strong,attentive,and a thorough worker.Then Christmas rolls around.Billy starts having horrible childhood flashbacks.Mr. Sims,his boss,asks him to play Santa Claus for the store X-Mas party.His unsuspecting co-workers vow to get him so sauced,"he'll think he IS Santa Claus!"He does,alright.Naughty!Punish!Naughty!Punish!
Mr. Sims gets that claw hammer he's always wanted for Christmas(planted backwards in his scalp),Andy gets hung with Christmas lights,Pamela gets slit open longways with a box cutter.Mrs. Randall,the assistant manager, takes archery-death to her busom when she tries to escape.And then it's off to do Saint Nick's vengeful work all over town,culminating in a return to the orphanage and a square off against Mother Superior and obligatory twist ending.So what about YOU,you been good all year?
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Not the kind of "stag party" Linnea Quigley was expecting.
This cult classic inspired THREE majorly retarded sequels and an upcoming remake(blah!)while gaining notoriety in turning a beloved children's character into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.Film critic Leonard Maltin even asked after giving the film zero stars,"What's next?The Easter Bunny as a child molester?"If you've been trapped at the North Pole for the past 23 years and haven't managed to score yourself a necessary viewing,pick up Anchor Bay's special edition,which is being released the 11th of this month.Anything less would be NAUGHTY.
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Vivesection said...

ok A) it sucks this wouldnt play in our DVD player for our x-mas slasher marathon. Lame.
and B) I quote "The black x-mas remake was really good, its not like those other lame x-mas movies, like silent night deadly night, you know what I mean?" God, I hate him, he's an idiot with no two living brain cells located near enough to each other to establish communication.

beedubelhue said...

Who the hell enjoyed the "Black Christmas" remake and why has no one snuffed out his candle yet???


Anitra said...

Good words.

beedubelhue said...

Why thank you,sweetheart.I'll try to keep the standard high in future reviews!


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