...or you could have your cock bitten off by a girl who suffers from "vagina dentata",where a mini-set of cartillagenous choppers form inside her bitch wrinkle,that involuntarily flex anytime she's uncomfortable with the coital situation,adding you to the waiting list over at the Add-a-dick-to-me Foundation.Now I've had forgettable encounters with chicks who were a little overzealous with the mouth-teeth where the good ol' vein-laden blood bomber was concerned,but fuuuuck,never anything like this,thank the Gods!File this one under:worst thing that could ever happen to a guy,or things I wish I could do sometimes,for our she-readers out there,who,no doubt,are snickering quietly to themselves.Just because I can't see you doing it,doesn't mean I don't know,girls.
Tonight's wince-inducing production was the talk of the 2007 Sundance Film Festival,raved over by critics(chicks mostly,I'd gather),and winner of the "most memorable mutilation" prize of Spike TV's 2008 Scream Awards,for "Penis bitten off by vagina with teeth".I certainly wouldn't argue with that particular recognition.In 2008,the film saw DVD release on Dimension Extreme,another pairing seemingly made in Heaven.
During a gynaecological visit,Dawn(Jess Weixler) fidgets,causing Dr. Godfrey(Josh Pais) to lose some digits.
Dawn(Jess Weixler)attends a Christian abstinence group with her friends Phil and Gwen.One night,after giving a heartfelt speech about what wearing a "purity ring" means to her,she meets Tobey(Hale Appleman),and you can flush all that gobbledy-gook about purity out to sea with tomorrow's turd.She has fantasies about marrying the boy,all the while acknowledging their mutual pledge for "purity"(riiiight).One afternoon,they give in to their natural attraction for one another and go swimming at a local watering hole,and when they pause in a nearby cave for warmth,Tobey is overcome by lust after they start kissing.When he forces himself upon her,her penis-guillotine bites his junk off in the melee,causing him to stumble off,bleeding and screaming.After another Promise meeting,she meets Ryan(Ashley Springer) at a dance,where they talk and he drives her home afterwards.Believing she may indeed be stricken by the legendary "vagina dentata",she researches the subject in books,then schedules an exam with her gynaecologist,Dr. Godfrey(Josh Pais),who,upon finding out that she's never had a doctor's visit of this nature before,takes the opportunity to molest her,getting the fingers bitten off of his hand by the vengeful vadge in the process.When she sees someone else driving Tobey's car,she revisits the watering hole,where the authorities are pulling the boy's lifeless body out of the water.
Probably shoulda picked a different chick to give the shocker to,eh Ryan(Ashley Springer)?
At the O'Keefe(O'Teeth?)homestead,Dawn's mother collapses while her step-brother Brad(John Hensley)unflinchingly continues to fuck his girlfriend as the woman lies on the floor in need of medical help.After her mother is rushed to the hospital,Dawn turns to Ryan for a shoulder,and the teens end up doing the horizontal bop together,with no adverse effects to the boy's pantsmeat.The next morning they shoot for a repeat offense,but when Ryan receives a call on his cell detailing his bedroom bet with one of his buddies mid-fuck,Dawn gets pissed off,clenches up,and effectively makes a girl out of him.Meanwhile,her father tries to throw good-for-nothing Brad out of the house,earning him a brutal bloodying at the powerful jaws of the boy's rottweiler.When Dawn learns of her mother's death and abusive treatment of her dad at the hospital,she decides to purposefully use her pussy for vengeance.She gussies herself up and returns home to a step-brother who puts the moves on her(blech).She agrees to fuck her sibling,but in mid-stroke Brad remembers back to when both teens were kids and his sister bit his finger,that it wasn't her mouth doing the biting.Too late.Her cantankerous cunt spits out his pierced dick,which she feeds amidst his cries to the aforementioned rottie.That'll learn ya,ya scumbag.She flees the scene by bicycle,but when she catches an inopportune flat,she's forced to hitchhike,and is picked up by a perverted old man.When she tries to get out of his truck at a gas station,he locks the doors and licks his lips.Dawn looks at us,then him with an all-too knowing smile.
That ain't no snausage in this rottweiler's yap,no siree.
Weixler,who continues to work in film and television,was voted New Yorker magazine's New Indie Queen and one of the "fourteen New Yorkers you need to know".Call me skeptical,but I'm good over here not knowing her.Hale Appleman went on to portray MTV's aids-stricken Real World star Pedro in the film of the same name in 2008.The director,openly gay son of the artist,Roy Lichtenstein,has gone on to complete Happy Tears in 2009.Tonight's entry is a highly original,well-crafted,gory romp that shouldn't fail to draw some reflexive flinches from any male audience members,as well as a chuckle or two out of the sadistic females in attendance.Keep dreaming,ladies,you'd need metal Richard Kiel teeth in your coochie to take down the "Great Equalizer".Three wops,and an enthusiastic recommendation.
The grin of an old pervert,short-lived in this case,I believe.
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