Monday, June 3, 2013

"Inseminoid" (1981) d/ Norman J. Warren

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How can you top homicidal inter-species  lunacy in space in the form of a thirty-five cent British Alien(1979) rip-off as overseen by the legendary Shaw Brothers' elder,  Run Run? This stuff is way ahead of it's time, believe me. Just imagine Jason Reitman's Juno if Ellen Page was British sex kitten Judy 'To Sir With Love' Geeson (I like where I'm taking this), and Michael Cera was a rubbery bug-eyed intergalactic horndog with a clear tube full o' green pipsqueak pudding (Okay, maybe not.). Warren's fourth feature, which follows marginal genre fare like Satan's Slave(1976) and 1978's Prey, is as loopy as it's gore is goopy; don't think of it as laughable Dollar Store knockoff of Ridley Scott's groundbreaking 1979 cult classic, think of it as a feature length Doctor Who episode with ample boobs and over-the-top splatter that more than compensates for not having Tom Baker running around the cheap-looking sets with that toothy grin and ridiculously long trademark scarf, don't you think?

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Remember to always use your low beams when approaching a crater.
While excavating the ruins of an ancient civilization based on dualism and once ruled by a pair of twins on a desolate planet, a team of  Xeno project scientists has set up base precariously near a stage set cheaply decorated to resemble a convolution of catacombs where an alien intellect has taken up residence in some crystals, influencing some of the team members to act in a less-than-British manner indeed. One deranged fellow is plugged with a harpoon gun, while his trapped partner removes her helmet in the deadly atmosphere and freezes solid when a chainsaw foot amputation turns out worse than aspirations. Unfazed by the gruesome deaths, another duo naturally sets out to investigate the murderous crystals, and this time, is set upon by a stretchy-looking alien beast, who extirpates the gent and lays down his partner for some sweet otherworldly dream sequence rape.

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"No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter."
Rescued by her remaining colleagues, Sandy (Judy Geeson), who's been regularly injected with contraceptives like the rest of the female officers (Call me, ladies) along the way, is now pregnant with twin alien/human hybrids, and as a side effect, is inhumanly strong, and quite prone to dismembering her coadjutors and drinking their blood when she feels her progeny is threatened. Several super sanguinary slayings later, it's up to Mark (Robin Clarke), the senior officer and Sandy's former fuck-buddy, to take her down for keeps after delivering her newly stumbled upon twin reptilian urchins over to Sharon (Heather Wright). Mark C.T.F.O.'s his ex, but discovers one of her mutant kids chewing Sharon's neck upon his return, and is wiped out himself, by the other equally homicidal one. When a rescue team later arrives to investigate loss of communications with the team, the twins stow away on the shuttle as it departs, as no survivors are found...

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Sometimes a chick's gotta take a vadge fulla space yogurt for a movie, I guess.
If  you like your cinematic rip-offs like your sin-sating one-offs (cheap n' sleazy, who doesn't?), then you'll do right by yourselves in securing a rental copy of this one at the very least. The more hopeless of you probably already bought it on purpose. Mine's an Embassy VHS print under the alternate "Horror Planet" title transferred to dvd with custom dupe sleeve, though I'm not sure where that places me on the aforementioned  scale.  It'd make a sick fit on a sci-fi / schlock horror drive-in retro triple bill with Galaxy of Terror(1981) and Contamination(1980), for anybody with the money and means out there to make such an affair transpire. Rancid space debris as you like it. One wop.

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"I just tasted some Adam's apple, you're a MANNN, BABY!"
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Unknown said...

If you can remember what movies you saw in the Drive in, that would make a cool list. You saw allot more than I ever did.

beedubelhue said...

Good idea! I'm on it.


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