"Halloween III:Season of the Witch"(1982)d/Tommy Lee Wallace

"It's time. It's time. Time for the big giveaway. Halloween has come. All you lucky kids with Silver Shamrock masks, gather 'round your TV set, put on your masks and watch. All witches, all skeletons, all Jack-O-Lanterns, gather 'round and watch. Watch the magic pumpkin. Watch..."And so another Halloween season comes grindingly to a halt.You're halfway to sugar shock from all the leftover trick or treaters candy you've been eating all day,you don't know how to tell the drunken sexy witch who's passed out on your bedroom floor that you have zero recollection of picking her up at the bar last night...or the massive handprints you left all over her ass shortly afterwards(does the naughty witch want daddy to raise welts this time,hmmm?),and you're probably surfing through the mixed bag of horror the idiot box has to offer on this sacred night.Step onto the drawbridge here at Castle Wop,creeps,your uncle thinks he's got one more appropox and underrated genre film for you little bastards to sink your joke teeth into,before we bid adieu to WOP-tober,one more time.
I remember all the flak this movie caught upon release from the mindless masses who felt cheated out of their folding money,forced to endure an interesting and original horror premise,instead of what they wanted to see,yet one more crap sequel where the strong,silent type in the whited out Shatner mask methodically stalks and kills more sex-crazed bimbos and their idiotic boyfriends.Curse the producers for not feeding the crybabies the pabulum they long for!I can still hear the fucking boo's as the credits rolled and we vacated our seats,and I thought to myself:Why the fuck are these morons booing a decent movie and decided anthological turn for the series by Carpenter and Hill?As I grew older,I came to the realization that waterheads like the ones yelling at the screen that night make up the vast majority of the movie-going public.Don't make 'em think.Don't throw 'em a curve ball.And most importantly,don't put the Halloween franchise tag on a film that essentially has no Michael Myers in it(apart from two clever inserts in television broadcasts).As the years have gone by,more and more people have finally given this movie a chance,and to their dismay,they actually like it!And even the sheep got their wish six years later,when Michael Myers was resurrected for the fourth movie,the imaginatively-titled hunk of bowel-bilge "Return of Michael Myers",which in comparison,makes tonight's entry look like Raging Bull.

Guttman learns the hard way:Mess with the Irish trademark,get your yap zapped.
Eight days from Halloween,Harry Grimbridge finds himself running for his life from silent assassins in business suits.At a gas station,he collapses,clutching a latex Halloween mask,and repeating "They're coming." over and over.The attendant takes him to the local hospital,where a commercial for Silver Shamrock masks spurs the exhausted new patient to grab at Dr.Challis(Atkins)and proclaim,"They're going to kill all of us."After admittance,another suited killer pays Grimbridge a visit,separating his skull and driving his nose into his brain with his bare hands before returning calmly to his car,dousing himself in gasoline and exploding before the eyes of the shocked staff.When Grimbridge's daughter Ellie(Nelkin) arrives,Challis selflessly puts his family on hold yet one more time,buys a six pack of beer and drives off with her towards Santa Mira,where the shop owner was headed before his murder,and answers.Santa Mira is the predominantly Irish(shudder!) home of Silver Shamrock Novelties,run by Conal Cochran(O'Herlihy),whose keen business sense returned prosperity to the community.The closed circuit cameras on every telephone pole,the six o'clock curfew,and the mysterious goings on at the factory,yeah,he's responsible for all of those things as well.Upon checking in to a local motel,the pair meets Buddy Kupfer and his annoying family,and Marge Guttman,shop owners from out of town who also have business at the factory.That night,while Challis does a little gynaecological exam on Ellie,free of charge,Mrs. Guttman notices a computer chip in the back of the trademark of one of the Shamrock masks,while reading in bed.She monkeys with it,and eats fatal laserbeam that fries the bottom half of her face,causing buggies to crawl out of her flame-broiled yap.

As Marge gets laserblasted,Challis,the teat-suckling bastard,shows Ellie his phallus.
After touring the factory with the Kupfers,Ellie notices her father's car being guarded by more suits,but when she and Challis return to the motel room,they discover they can't contact anyone outside of Santa Mira by telephone.Suits make the scene and kidnap Ellie,causing Challis to break into the factory for an attempted rescue.He incapacitates one of Cochran's well-dressed cronies,discovering that he's not human,in fact,but a mechanical android,when a well-placed labonza punch yields yellow goop and wires.Cochran then gives Challis the classified version of the factory tour,revealing that in an effort to return the upcoming holiday to its pagan Celtic origins(take a deep breath here,folks),he's stolen a five ton Stonehenge monolith,hidden it in the factory,where tiny pieces of the mystical stone are placed into the company trademark in the back of the Halloween masks,which,when a computer-born pattern of flashing jack o'lanterns triggers them,they cause the mask wearer's head to fry,and rattlesnakes and crickets to pour out of the smouldering faceholes,as evidenced by the test-slaying of the Kupfer family before Challis' very eyes.Challis later breaks his bindings,frees Ellie,and initiates the computer sequence in the control room while dumping a case of trademarks on the workers below,resulting in spectacular laser beam-death for all of them,and Cochran being absorbed by the energy generated between the monolith and computers.The couple flee the factory as it catches fire,but discovers that Ellie is nothing more than one of Cochran's robots,and dispatches it,piece by piece.He makes his way to the filling station from the beginning of the movie,desperately trying to get the television networks not to play the Silver Shamrock 9 o'clock giveaway spot,that would signal the deaths of millions of kids across the country.Some trick or treaters gather to watch the flashing jack o'lantern on the gas station tv set,as Challis screams "Stop it!" into the telephone receiver.Oh,those Irish and their practical jokes.

Hey kid,what part of "Store your mask in a cool,dry place" didn't you understand?
Fans know genre fave Tom Atkins(and his moustache)well,as he's put in several horror shifts under John Carpenter(The Fog,Escape From New York,etc),cult favorites like Night of the Creeps,Maniac Cop,Due occhi diabolici,as well as turning up in the My Bloody Valentine 3D remake,and is always gracious to fans at horror cons,so go get a pic of your wife kissing his moustache already.Delectable cupcake Stacey Nelkin works steadily in movies and television to this day,her most memorable roles to woprophiles out there(besides tonight's review,of course)would probably be in Mad's Up The Academy,Yellowbeard,or opposite "Dangerous" Tony Danza in Going Ape.The late O'Herlihy had a long and admirable career in movies and television,most notably appearing in Invasion USA,The Last Starfighter,and the Twin Peaks tv series.Stuntman Dick Warlock,who portrayed Michael Myers in Halloween II,is on hand here as Cochran's mechanical assassin.Nancy Loomis,another long-time favorite of Carpenter,acts under her birthname of Kyes here,as Challis' wife.Last on the list of Halloween all-stars to work in this movie,the one and only Jamie Lee Curtis lent her voice,uncredited,as the Santa Mira curfew announcer.Well,there you have it.When next we meet up,it'll be November.A different season,but the same source materials here at the Wop,as you like it(especially your mothers).As for tonight's entry,it has its share of shortcomings(the factory control room resembling an empty warehouse with six Commodore computers set up in a circle leaves a lot to be desired),and plot holes(No,really,Conal,tell us how your sixty-something year old ass,and your team of robots-in-suits managed to steal a five ton monolith from one of the most visited sites in the world,and get it into California with nobody noticing?),but overall,it's not a bad movie.Well-deserving of two wops on the scale.

Happy, happy Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Happy, happy Halloween, Silver Shamrock.

"Teeth"(2007)d/Mitchell Lichtenstein

...or you could have your cock bitten off by a girl who suffers from "vagina dentata",where a mini-set of cartillagenous choppers form inside her bitch wrinkle,that involuntarily flex anytime she's uncomfortable with the coital situation,adding you to the waiting list over at the Add-a-dick-to-me Foundation.Now I've had forgettable encounters with chicks who were a little overzealous with the mouth-teeth where the good ol' vein-laden blood bomber was concerned,but fuuuuck,never anything like this,thank the Gods!File this one under:worst thing that could ever happen to a guy,or things I wish I could do sometimes,for our she-readers out there,who,no doubt,are snickering quietly to themselves.Just because I can't see you doing it,doesn't mean I don't know,girls.
Tonight's wince-inducing production was the talk of the 2007 Sundance Film Festival,raved over by critics(chicks mostly,I'd gather),and winner of the "most memorable mutilation" prize of Spike TV's 2008 Scream Awards,for "Penis bitten off by vagina with teeth".I certainly wouldn't argue with that particular recognition.In 2008,the film saw DVD release on Dimension Extreme,another pairing seemingly made in Heaven.

During a gynaecological visit,Dawn(Jess Weixler) fidgets,causing Dr. Godfrey(Josh Pais) to lose some digits.
Dawn(Jess Weixler)attends a Christian abstinence group with her friends Phil and Gwen.One night,after giving a heartfelt speech about what wearing a "purity ring" means to her,she meets Tobey(Hale Appleman),and you can flush all that gobbledy-gook about purity out to sea with tomorrow's turd.She has fantasies about marrying the boy,all the while acknowledging their mutual pledge for "purity"(riiiight).One afternoon,they give in to their natural attraction for one another and go swimming at a local watering hole,and when they pause in a nearby cave for warmth,Tobey is overcome by lust after they start kissing.When he forces himself upon her,her penis-guillotine bites his junk off in the melee,causing him to stumble off,bleeding and screaming.After another Promise meeting,she meets Ryan(Ashley Springer) at a dance,where they talk and he drives her home afterwards.Believing she may indeed be stricken by the legendary "vagina dentata",she researches the subject in books,then schedules an exam with her gynaecologist,Dr. Godfrey(Josh Pais),who,upon finding out that she's never had a doctor's visit of this nature before,takes the opportunity to molest her,getting the fingers bitten off of his hand by the vengeful vadge in the process.When she sees someone else driving Tobey's car,she revisits the watering hole,where the authorities are pulling the boy's lifeless body out of the water.

Probably shoulda picked a different chick to give the shocker to,eh Ryan(Ashley Springer)?
At the O'Keefe(O'Teeth?)homestead,Dawn's mother collapses while her step-brother Brad(John Hensley)unflinchingly continues to fuck his girlfriend as the woman lies on the floor in need of medical help.After her mother is rushed to the hospital,Dawn turns to Ryan for a shoulder,and the teens end up doing the horizontal bop together,with no adverse effects to the boy's pantsmeat.The next morning they shoot for a repeat offense,but when Ryan receives a call on his cell detailing his bedroom bet with one of his buddies mid-fuck,Dawn gets pissed off,clenches up,and effectively makes a girl out of him.Meanwhile,her father tries to throw good-for-nothing Brad out of the house,earning him a brutal bloodying at the powerful jaws of the boy's rottweiler.When Dawn learns of her mother's death and abusive treatment of her dad at the hospital,she decides to purposefully use her pussy for vengeance.She gussies herself up and returns home to a step-brother who puts the moves on her(blech).She agrees to fuck her sibling,but in mid-stroke Brad remembers back to when both teens were kids and his sister bit his finger,that it wasn't her mouth doing the biting.Too late.Her cantankerous cunt spits out his pierced dick,which she feeds amidst his cries to the aforementioned rottie.That'll learn ya,ya scumbag.She flees the scene by bicycle,but when she catches an inopportune flat,she's forced to hitchhike,and is picked up by a perverted old man.When she tries to get out of his truck at a gas station,he locks the doors and licks his lips.Dawn looks at us,then him with an all-too knowing smile.

That ain't no snausage in this rottweiler's yap,no siree.
Weixler,who continues to work in film and television,was voted New Yorker magazine's New Indie Queen and one of the "fourteen New Yorkers you need to know".Call me skeptical,but I'm good over here not knowing her.Hale Appleman went on to portray MTV's aids-stricken Real World star Pedro in the film of the same name in 2008.The director,openly gay son of the artist,Roy Lichtenstein,has gone on to complete Happy Tears in 2009.Tonight's entry is a highly original,well-crafted,gory romp that shouldn't fail to draw some reflexive flinches from any male audience members,as well as a chuckle or two out of the sadistic females in attendance.Keep dreaming,ladies,you'd need metal Richard Kiel teeth in your coochie to take down the "Great Equalizer".Three wops,and an enthusiastic recommendation.

The grin of an old pervert,short-lived in this case,I believe.

"Happy Birthday to Me"(1981)d/J. Lee Thompson

With Hallowe'en breathing down the backs of our necks like a psychotic Andrew Stevens over Morgan Fairchild's twizzler-sized nipples in a hot tub,Wopsploitation works overtime to churn out genre reviews during this,the most glorious time of year for woprophiles and horror fanatics alike.Show your support by clicking the LAMB in the upper right hand corner of the site,vote up and/or repost your favorite entries,encourage all yer buddies to follow the site on Networked Blogs through intimidation and fear,lascivious ladies who are so inclined can stuff my gmail inbox with sexy snapshots in hopes of being named featured Wop-ette of the Month(an upcoming pro-feminist feature to look forward to,boys),up and coming filmakers can send along their work for review(e-mail me for the mailing addy,punks),and of course,torrential praise showers and cold,hard cash are also always welcome.Se non è zuppa, è pan bagnato.
Boasting of one of the most memorable one sheets of the golden slasher era,tonight's review brings me back to the ol' American Theater packed full of splatter-crazed rascals hootin' n' hollerin' for more gore and boobs(since our parents never went with us to the movies by then).The movie boasts of a cast that includes Melissa Sue "Little House on the Prairie" Anderson who once enjoyed a creepy tryst with Frank Sinatra,Jr.,Glenn Ford,who once blasted Marilyn Monroe with throat yogurt on a couch,some inventive and mean-spirited gore set-pieces,and one of the most ridonkulous and highly unlikely twist endings in cinema history.How could you not love this fuckin' thing?When the dvd was originally released with different cover art,sticklers for detail in the horror community balked until Anchor Bay silenced the hordes with a proper treatment that had the original advertising on the box,and the original soundtrack(minus the end theme),which was intact in theaters and on VHS,but not in the first disc release.Film critics like Leonard Maltin,who was probably over screening slashers in the first place, at the time weren't as rabid about the movie,panning it,and taking some potshots at Glenn Ford for participating,in the process.In defense of the subgenre,the movie,and the late Mr.Ford,I say:Maltin gave friggin' Laserblast(1978) two and a half stars and he's from Teaneck.What the hell does he know?

You undergo that brain operation,Mary Ingalls.I'll be behind the barn smoking a whole pack of cigarettes.
Crawford Academy is an elite high school,secretly run by an inner circle of snobbish,rich teens(all well into their twenties,thanks,casting)that call themselves the "Top Ten".When Bernadette goes to meet the rest of the silver spooners at "The Silent Woman",a pub more ironically named than "The Well-behaved Blacks Who Don't Shout and Scream at the Screen in Theaters" drinking establishment in East Orange,New Jersey(alright,I made that one up),she's attacked from the back seat of her car by a black gloved killer.After momentarily playing dead buys her time enough for a hasty retreat,she's the recipient of a makeshift mouth carved into her neck meat by someone she's familiar with.At the pub,the snots raucous behavior gets them an early boot,which they celebrate by playing chicken in their cars over a lifting drawbridge.Ginny(Anderson)opts out of the childish bravado display,walking home and stopping to visit her mother's grave on the way.At home she discovers Etienne has been Peep Tom-ming her through a window(Yeaaaash!),before her screams scare him off.The next day at school,she has a flashback to that brain cell regeneration operation she underwent shortly after her mother's accidental death(Hmmm,I deduct that this may prove to be important info towards a denouement later on)and tells Dr. Faraday(Ford)all about it.After showing Ginny a pair of her own drawers that he deftly snaked from her room(Hopeless romantic,this guy),Etienne works intently on his motorcycle until that same black gloved rascal makes the scene,catching the boy's scarf in the motorcycle chain,an outbreak of epic,blood spurting strangulatory suck for the resident pervie.Back at the pub,a conversation about eccentric Alfred(Jack Blum),who carries a live mouse around with him,causes Ginny and Ann(Bregman)to break into the boy's house,where they stumble upon a replica of Bernadette's head he's made,for whatever reason.Anybody normal in this crowd?Anybody??Meanwhile,Greg is being spotted while lifting weights by someone who carelessly drops an enormous plate on his crotch,causing the young meathead to drop the barbell onto his own windpipe.That's right,death by weights...

Scarf plus motorcycle spokes equals inventively rad Burman-crafted murder set piece.
Rudi pulls a fake knife on Ginny in the belltower of the academic chapel,then follows it up by diasappearing and burying a faux skull outside,proving that he's not to be outcreeped by his peers.Alfred follows Ginny,which gets him stabbed up...by Ginny(?),whose flashbacks are revealing more of the earlier operation on her domepiece.At the school dance,she invites Steve back to her place for a midnight snack,shish kebabs by the fireplace.I'll just bet one of those skewers is gonna end up rammed through somebody's skull before this rendezvous is over.It does.When Ann shows up the next morning for the (literally)gory details about the previous night with Steve,Ginny has another accident flashback where she and her mother crash the car into the river.When she snaps out of it,she finds Ann's cadaver sunk in the bathtub with an extra mouth sliced into its throatflesh.Dr. Faraday shows up on the scene and forces the disturbed girl to remember the details surrounding her mother's fatal accident.Ah yes,it's all coming back to her now.It was Ginny's birthday(ah-ha!)and when nobody showed up for her party,Mom had packed the girl into the car and angrily drove over to the other party where the kids had all gone instead,was denied entry,got drunk and drove into the drink.Ginny then bludgeons the doctor's dome for his effort.When dad arrives on the scene in time for Ginny's birthday,he's shocked after seeing all of the murder victims and his exhumed wife's corpse propped into chairs around the dining room table,while Ginny sinngs "Happy Birthday to Me"...and another Ginny in attendance!The more conscious Ginny turns out to be Ann in a latex Ginny mask!You see,Ginny's mom had a problem with pussy generosity,and got knocked up during an affair with Ann's father,and in a climax reminiscent of a James Bond villain speech,Ann reveals that she committed all the murders to frame her unwanted half-sister out of jealousy,then kills her own father!!In the ensuing struggle,the drugged Ginny ends up stabbing Ann to death in defense.A policeman arrives to find the abandoned house,filled with corpses,and Ginny standing over her brithday cake,clutching a bloody knife.Open and shut case,huh.

"I taught piano to young flibbertigibbets in a former life,how in the name of Great Caesar's nuts did I end up in this predicament?",wonders Glenn Ford.
Tracey Bregman,apart from her role in Birthday,has enjoyed a recurring role on soap opera Young and the Restless from 1983 to present,as Lauren Fenmore.What?I used to watch Y & R...occasionally.Coughcough.Two years prior to tonight's review,Anderson starred in tele-horror Midnight Offerings.You might remember Alfred(Jack Blum) in his egg-balancing,open zippered turn as Spaz in Ivan Reitman's Meatballs(1979)as well as stints in Alfred Hitchcock Presents and Twilight Zone.The late director Thompson was responsible for such memorable genre fodder as Bronson stuffs:St. Ives(1976),The White Buffalo(1977),10 to Midnight(1983),and The Evil That Men Do(1984),as well as a couple of the Planet of the Apes movies and the 1962 Cape Fear original.Not a shabby resume,I'd say.Overall,Birthday isn't a bad slasher,and it delivers up the goods on a few levels,for sure,satisfying that small minority in the horror community who longed to see deaths involving weight benches,motorcycles,and shish kebabs(gloriously served up by FX wiz Tom Burman),myself included.At the very least,it gave me the opportunity to use the word "flibbertigibbets" in a review,and I've been wanting to do just that for a long,long time.On the scale it merits a solid rating of two wops.F-l-i-b-b-e-r-t-i-g-i-b-b-e-t-s.Google it.

"Shish kebab me again before she tells another Michael Landon story!",pleads one of Ginny's partygoers.

"The Warriors"(1979)d/Walter Hill

Tonight's movie goes out to John in Chi-town,an epic partier with 1787 Chateau Lafite taste in diversions.Holdin' down the (Monte)forte on this end,brother!1979 was a motherlode for gang-related movies,apparently,seeing the release of The Wanderers,Quadrophenia,and The Warriors all in the same year.All three enjoy significant cult status,the Who vehicle helping to ressurect mod culture in England,and The Wanderers and Warriors supplying an infinite number of bands of varying genres of music with their names based on gangs from either of the films.It was probably around this time when I first started dreaming of one day being in a gang myself.The tattoos,they date back to 1st or 2nd grade,when we would draw them on each other with pens at school,little tough guys.Though,looking back, I'm probably the only one who took all this crazy stuff to heart.Interesting when you're refused admittance to a club for "flying your colors".Whattayagonnado?
For those up on their Greek accounts,Yurick's novel and Hill's subesequent feature film closely echo Xenophon marching his troops through enemy territory,battling their way to the safety of the sea.Though Walter Hill has had a hand in such films as Hard Times,48 Hours,and the Alien series,tonight's review remains his most popular work to date.The film opened in February of '79 to brisk box office business and mixed reviews,followed by reports of vandalism and a handful of killings involving theater patrons during its second weekend.Maybe there's a little bit of warchief in all of us,no?

What am I diggin',Cyrus(Roger Hill)?The silk robe isn't my style,brah.
Nine delegates from over two hundred gangs gather in Van Cortlandt Park to hear the leader of the Gramercy Riffs,Cyrus(Hill),break it down on unity,claiming that since the gangs outnumber the police,the streets can belong to them like they once did.Can you dig it?Luther(David Patrick Kelly)of the Rogues didn't,and shoots the flamboyant Riff from the top of a jungle gym.As chaos engulfs the scene,he pins the blame on The Warriors,a solid Coney Island unit,and Riffs quickly overtake Cleon,their leader,and speedily bop him up to that big turf in the sky.The remaining eight Warriors(Swan,Ajax,Cochise,Rembrandt,Vermin,Fox,Snow,and Cowboy)regroup in a nearby cemetery,unaware that the Riffs have put a bounty on the Warriors out to all other gangs in the city.They narrowly escape the Turnbull A.C.s spraypainted schoolbus of chain and bat-wielding bald boppers on the way to the subway platform,but their train ride is cut short by a fire on the tracks ahead(probably set by another gang),leaving them in the Tremont section of the Bronx.There they encounter a small-time gang,the Orphans,who they easily scare off with a molotov deterrent when a trouble-making prostitute named Mercy(Van Valkenbergh)goads the lazy-eyed Orphan leader into action.With Mercy now tagging along,their next stop is 96th Street in Manhattan,where a waiting reception of cops leaves Fox to eat crushing subway train-inflicted death when he falls on the tracks after a struggle.Out on the street,Swan,Ajax,Snow,and Cowboy kick the asses off of the ambushing Baseball Furies,but Ajax(James Remar) is arrested afterwards by an undercover cop posing as an easy rape victim on a parkbench.

The sillier looking the gang,the heavier their rep,apparently.
At Union Square,Vermin,Cochise,and Rembrandt are greeted by the amorous advances of some foxy mamas,who turn out to be members of the lezzy outfit,the Lizzies,laying for Warriors on orders from the Riffs.They barely escape the sapphic trap with only Rembrandt getting a stiletto cut he can brag about in the melee.After Mercy relates Fox's tragic demise to Swan,he returns to the 96th Street Station,where he's tailed by rollerskating members of The Punks to Union Square.Reunited with the remaining delegates,the Warriors dispatch the Punks in the lavatory,then board the last train for Coney.On the train some partying prom-goers are shocked by Mercy's filthiness(and moustache,probably),but when one of the girls drops her corsage,Swan picks it up and gives it to his embarrassed hooker galpal.They arrive with the sunrise at Coney Island,where the Rogues lie in wait.Luther slips empty beer bottles on his fingers and clinks them together repeatedly,calling out the returning gang in what has to be the most annoying voice ever committed to celluloid.The Rogues and Warriors gather on the beach for a scrap,and Luther admits icing Cyrus for no good reason at all,but before the fight can commence,both gangs are swooped down upon by the Gramercy Riffs,who have discovered through an eyewitness source that the Rogues killed Cyrus,not the Warriors.The Riffs congratulate the Warriors on being a top outfit with a deserved rep,then descend upon the cowering Rogues for violent revenge.A dj who had spent the night giving play-by-play of the gang activity,apologizes for the Warriors misfortunes and dedicates a Joe Walsh song to them.Wait a second,I thought she was sorry...

Hey DJ,why don't you play some FEAR already,ferchrissakes?
The movie reviewer with the heaviest rep,and my long-time favorite,Joe Bob Briggs,did a fantastic job charting out the Warriors route from the Bronx back to Coney Island via subway maps on his superior TNT Monstervision series which ran from 1995 to 2000,so we'll avoid that here,although... if you're looking to bop over it,J.B.,come and get one in the yarbles,if ya have any yarbles,you eunuch jelly thou!A nozh scrap any time you say.Director Hill,a comic book fiend from way back(I can relate,brother),looked to turn Sol Yurick's novel into a flashy screen adaption with a comic feel,but the limited budget put the blocks to that idea fast.Deborah Van Valkenburgh,who will always be Henry Rush's daughter on Too Close For Comfort(Wha-wha-wha-what are you talking,Monroe?)to me,has had a varied and interesting film career,with roles in genre films ranging from Firestarter 2 to The Devil's Rejects.The late Lynne Thigpen who plays the witty DJ dialed into the gang activity,will most likely be remembered by anyone with kids for her work in Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?Remar has acted in everything from 48 Hours and Cruising to Sex in the City,where he played Kim "Lassie" Cattrall's millionaire fuckbuddy,Richard.Can you tell I was married for six years?I also did my share of time in gangs,and I'm here to tell you,if I ever get surrounded in the pisser by a gaggle of Marys on rollerskates,or outnumbered by dipshits in greasepaint with baseball bats...oh yeah,that'll never happen since no fucking gang anywhere rolls like that!Aussie Park Boyz(2004)replaces the Warriors with some Australian martial arts guidos,and is an embarrassing recent rip-off.Speaking of rip offs,Tony "American History X" Scott plans to remake Warriors itself,with a scheduled 2011 release date,and I'm fully available to read for the role of the head of the Turnbull A.C.s,Hollywood.Cough,cough.As for tonight's entry,your favorite lousy skinheaded fuck gives it an impressive three wops,for its escapist cheez-o-licious fun.

Insert the most annoying sound you could possibly think of,right here.

"The Pentagram" by Aleister Crowley

A little seasonal spoken word for you woprophiles out there.Enjoy!



Wicked as Always,
B.W.

THE DEAD SHALL RISE AND WALK TO CHILLER

With the Chiller Theatre Expo celebrating its 20th anniversary this October 29-31 at the Hilton Parsippany in New Jersey, another historic milestone will take place at the event, namely a 30th anniversary cast reunion of Lucio Fulci’s masterpiece CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (aka THE GATES OF HELL).


Six participants from this 1980 Italian shocker will be part of the Halloween show’s ITALIAN INVASION III, five of whom will be appearing at their very first convention EVER:


Catriona MacColl “Mary Woodhouse”
Giovanni Lomabrdo Radice “Bob”
Carlo De Mejo “Gerry”
Antonella Interlenghi “Emily Robbins”
Venantino Venantini “Mr. Ross”
Luca Venantini “John-John Robbins”



“For me, it will be a dream come true,” states Paura Production’s ITALIAN INVASION organizer Mike Baronas. “This atmospheric zombie nightmare has been, and always will be, my favorite horror film. It haunted me to the core upon seeing during the VHS boom of the mid-80’s and has been a major influence on my life and career. Everything has led up to reuniting these friends of mine together at one time and in one place. After 3 decades, this will undoubtedly be a once-in-a-lifetime event for all!”

Ed. note:...and if that wasn't enough to make you rethink your local east coast meat market bar plans for Halloween weekend,chatting up the obligatory sexy witches,sexy pirates,sexy spies,sexy zombies,ad infinitum,how about the announcement of this amazing addition to the lineup...

None other than DARIA NICOLODI,former muse to the maestro himself,Dario Argento,mother to Asia Argento,and actress in such genre classics as
Deep Red,Suspiria,Inferno,Beyond the Door II,Tenebrae,Phenomena,Delirium:Photo of Gioia,Opera,Paganini Horror,La Setta,Scarlet Diva,and Mother of Tears.If that isn't a wet dream for you Italo-horrorphiles out there,you're probably already dead.BE THERE!

Wicked as Always,
B.W.

"Made in Britain"(1982)d/Alan Clarke

Appy-polly-lodgies for being so erratic with reviews lately,I've been pulling it all together for the upcoming Halloween party this weekend(and partying to prepare,of course),flirting with chicks,pulling up ridiculous YouTube videos,and haven't set aside enough time for the site.I'll try to wedge a few quality entries in before All Hallows Eve is finally upon us.After covering some quality Voorhees when last we met,tonight we'll move on to a bald bastard of a different pedigree.Movie fans-come-lately'll gush praise on actor Tim Roth for his performances in films like Reservoir Dogs and The Cook,The Thief,His Wife,and Her Lover,and justifiably so.I'm willing to wager a guess that the vast majority of these people never wrapped their glassies around his brilliant 1982 debut as Trevor,the xenophobic,aggro-minded skinhead in Alan Clarke's Made in Britain though.Naysayers might slag this performance off as one-dimensional,but those gents will not have noticed Roth's smooth transition into a sociopathic demon who uses his wit to set up each bovver-laden set piece.His is not Ed Norton's sympathetic Derek indoctrinated into a world of intolerance by his calloused father,nor is it Gary Oldman's goofy prankster Cocksey, who bumbles through life in the tower blocks like a loveable cartoon,Trevor has no regard for much of anything,not even his own future,instead choosing to violently lash out at anyone in his path.Tonight's British teleplay reads like an exaggerated warning to the decent middle class members of society,against an undercurrent of glue-sniffing dropout working class footsoldiers for the far right.As we all know,sensationalism sells,but who's buying?If the authoritarian twats in borstal weren't bigger fascist cunts than the bootboys themselves,they might have come away with their intended message driven home,instead of the opposite.But,if you must 'ave it,'ave it then...

Tucker's ruckers ain't no suckers,motherfucker.
Amidst strains of Wattie and Scottish oi outfit,The Exploited,we're introduced to sixteen year old Trevor(Roth),who is in court for bricking out a certain Paki named Shahnawaz's(Shahnawanker,according to Trev) window,and facing more charges at a later date for nicking some cassettes from Harrod's.Solid Gold NF Disco Classics,methinks.Trev gives the judge some two-fingers-in-the-air attitude,feeling no remorse for his crimes or victims.Harry Parker(Eric Richard) is Trev's social worker,who sends his client off to be assessed by Peter Clive(Bill Stewart) at Hooper Street,somehow still believing he can be reached.At the Centre,Clive assigns Trevor a room that he shares with Errol,a tinted young chappie.Errol marvels at Trev's forehead-stika,and quickly surrenders his bed to the new bootboy.The next morning,Trevor steals a car(or "touches the dog's arse{takes and drives away}" in the slang of the day)and hits the job centre with Errol,stopping on the way to pick up some glue for huffing and a packet of fags with his pocket money.He leaves his unlikely black accomplice huffing in the car while he's quickly discouraged inside the centre.He shows his displeasure by cinderblocking out the front window,recovering some carjacking tools from an abandoned public swimming pool afterwards which he uses to steal another car that he forces Errol out of,and drives off to see some mates.Back at the assessment centre,Clive notices Trevor sitting outside in the stolen vehicle eating a sandwich.After getting rid of the car,Trev turns up the bastard-ometer,booting the chef in the minerals when he's refused lunch(at 3pm).He's locked in a room and visited by the superintendant(Geoffrey Hutchings)whose condescending chalkboard evaluation of his life seems to quiet the raging youth,at least until the aloof authoritarian vacates the room.

Sniffing glue,meh.We used to huff butane.
When it seems that their efforts are fruitless,Clive suggests he can fix it so that Trevor drives in the local bang up derby,which is effective until his car shits out on the track,causing the skin to regress back into the anarchic bastard we've grown used to.He steals Clive's keys,breaking into the filing cabinets with Errol,and reads his illiterate bunkmate his own grim record,which states he'll be in care for the rest of his life,due to his mother's selfish wishes.Both boys shit and piss on their files,then steal the centre's van,driving to the Paki neighbourhood,where they smash windows and shout racial slurs at the Indians before Trevor drives away and crashes into a police car right outside the station,knocking Errol unconscious.He flees the wreck,leaving Errol to be aprehended by an angry member of the constabulary,who drags him into the station,calling him a little black bastard.On the long walk to his social worker's flat,he stops to gaze upon a shop window full of mannekins,arranged into a pricetagged family unit,that sends him running and raging into a tunnel,where he tears off his t-shirt,kicking and screaming at passing WAN-KAAAAAAAAH!s,uhh,errr,passing motorists.Harry,surprised to see Trevor,as he is packing to leave on holiday with his family,tells the hooligan to return to the assesssment centre before they notice he's missing.Trev then confesses all of his recent naughtiness to the social worker,surrendering himself to the authorities.We next see the boy in a jail cell,annoying the officers with the buzzer,but when he cockily suggests they return him to the juvenile assessment centre,they inform him that he's run out of chances,and it's the stripey hole or borstal for him,where upon fingerprinting,the authorities will be able to connect him to local car thefts dating back months.Trevor remains defiant,which earns him a truncheon across the kneecap.Behave,you,or we'll make you do it,won't we?

What 'ave we 'ere? A fascist v. fascist standoff.
Roth stumbled upon the role,looking for a bike pump in a theater he'd worked in prior,that happened to be holding auditions for the project,and the rest,as they say,is history.The late Bill Stewart,who had a role in 101 Dalmations,will probably be remembered best for his role on BBC's A Touch of Frost.Eric Richard has had a long running career in television,most familiarly in ITV's The Bill.The late Alan Clarke went on to do several shorts and tv productions,directing 1989's The Firm,a take on football violence and Thatcherite politics that starred Gary Oldman,before passing away in 1990 at the early age of 54.His films,like 1977's Scum and tonight's entry,were a gritty look in at the side of the British fence where the flowers never came up,and have always been among my favorites.Some of you woprophiles might find Britain a tad harsh on the senses,but then again,if you're in my company to begin with,you'll probably get a well-placed kick out of it.Right in the yarbles.Four wops,and very highly recommended.

Oi,you!Leave it out,the angry skinhead lane doesn't open up 'til six am.

"Friday the 13th:The Final Chapter"(1984)d/Joseph Zito

Let's see,where the fuck were we...which brings us to the fourth installment of the wildly popular Friday the 13th series,which was billed as the final movie(yeah,if you bought that for even a New York minute you're greener than Carl Spackler's Kentucky bluegrass/Maui Wowie hybrid)and with a stellar b-cast and FX goremeister Tom Savini called in to finish off the monstrous mongoloid murderer he helped to create,stands as many genre fans favorite of the lot.I know,as someone who had made the trek to the theater for every film thus far,I was willing to let the shoddy bygone of Part 3 in 3D be just that,giddy at the possibilities as I awaited the theatrical release.And if this were still 1984,and you asked me which Friday was my favourite,I'd have told you,"The original,AND the Final Chapter" with the same bold snobbishness you've come to know and love.The problem is,it ain't exactly 1984 anymore,and I'm not that same teenager who walked around with visions of Savini-crafted head explosions dancing in my head.Sure,I still enjoy watching tonight's entry on occasion,especially since the recent special edition was weighed down with tasty extras that included all the rushes of Terrible Tommy's uncut kills,something I would have snuffed out a few unfortunate bastards for a glimpse of back in the golden era.Maybe I'm just being a dick(what else is new)about it,but besides the glorious effects and some of the cast(one nutbag in particular),the whole production is pretty wafer-thin.Not that I'm expecting Exorcist-level chills from the third sequel to a series that was shallow to begin with,but other than the aforementioned highlights,this is pretty standard(translation:average)stuff indeed.Even as such,it stands as one of the better entries in the series,for sure.And compared to parts V,VII,and Jason Takes Manhattan(THE worst of the lot by a country mile),this movie might as well be the friggin' Godfather Part II.

"Sit and spin,Jenny Craig!" rhetorts the tubby ride-thumber(Bonnie Hellman).
One day removed from the chaos of the events that would come to be known as "Friday the 13th Pt.3 in 3D",paramedics and law enforcement officers are trying to tidy up the crime scene of unsightly corpses at Higgins Haven,one of which happens to be the hydrocephallic harbinger of hockey masked hate,Jason Voorhees himself,dead from a barn lynching and a right good whack upside the headpiece with an axe.At the Wessex Morgue,Axel and Morgan,the resident doctor and nurse,find out the hard way that he,in fact,isn't.One surgical saw throat slash/head twist and eight point buck-level gutting later,our resident rambunctious retard is making his way back to Crystal Lake.It's a good thing nobody's planning a decadent weekend of drugs,sex,and partying there.Oh wait.Six teenagers have rented a house for the weekend on Crystal Lake.Probably not the best idea in the world by now,but who can argue with the folly of youth.They pass a chubby banana-munching hitchhiker who gets throat-skewered with a knife after flipping them the bird for not picking her up.Upon arrival they meet Trish(Beck)and Tommy Jarvis(Feldman),who live next to the rental house.Tommy is a bespectacled young horror fanatic who enjoys showing off monster masks and animatronic heads that he's made for lack of a normal social life or father figure.Methinks it's a different Tommy altogether doing the showing off,but I digress.The group also befriends a pair of oversexed twins,Tina and Terri(what's with all the T's,man),and before long a skinnydipapalooza ensues at Crystal Point.The Jarvis's car beaks down,but the siblings are helped by a mysterious hiker named Rob,who's kind of tentative about his being in the area.Let's see,that's Paul,Sam,Sarah,Doug,Ted,Jimmy,Trish,Tommy,Rob,Tina and Terri.How many of these names would you bet on still breathing oxygen by the final reel?Yeah,me neither.

Jimmy(Crispin Glover):From a dead fuck to fuckin' dead with one chop.
Sam(Aronson),apparently unfulfilled by the afternoon's nudity,goes midnight skinnydipping and gets impaled through a raft.Her boyfriend Paul goes out to join her,getting his Moby Dick harpooned in the process.Terri leaves the party prematurely,earning her a spear in the back.Jimmy(Glover),the "dead fuck",dances like a spaz,bottoms out in Tina,and gets a corkscrew rammed into his mitt,and his grill bissected horizontally by a meatcleaver.Tina gets chucked two stories out an upstairs window.Ted(Monoson),a cocky fuck whose annoying personality("Wanna give Teddy a kiss?"repeatedly,while holding a Teddy bear)even rivals Shelly from Part Three,gets stoned and watches antique stag movies before getting knifed through a projection screen in the back of the dome.Doug and Sarah share a shower-based aquafuck before Doug gets his face smooshed against the wet tiles by a vengefully retard strong hand.Sarah gets an axe-thrown-through-the-front-door-and-buried-into-her-sternum.Jason should have tried out for the Hayward lumberjack competition in Wisconsin.Meanwhile at the Jarvis residence,Trish and Tommy find their muddah missing,so they enlist the help of Rob,who,in a revenge-laden twist that'd make the Shaw Brothers blush,reveals that he's the brother of Sandra from Part Two on a manhunt for Jason,once again.While Jason is introducing Rob to the Grim Reaper,Tommy does a slapdash makeup job on himself based on Rob's newspaper clippings to resemble twelve year old Jason who drowned in the lake because...okay,I have no fucking idea myself.The hellspawn in a hockey mask terrorizes the boy and his sister,and in a boffo finale gets his head half-hemisected by his own machete,then hacked into haggis when the boy notices movement in the downed waterhead.Trish hugs Tommy,while he visits her later at the hospital,and the boy gives a disturbed look directly to the camera which ends in a telling freeze.You know,I'll bet this wasn't the last Friday the 13th movie afterall!

Sam(Judie Aronson)displayed her hams,gams,and clam as she swam.Now she's damned.
For those keeping score,my favorite piece of screen decoration this time around is Judie Aronson,who also worked in Weird Science,American Ninja,and more recently,Hannibal.She still looks pretty good,too.Director Zito,whose prior work included genre fave,The Prowler,went on to direct longstanding viral internet joke Chuck Norris in Invasion USA and Missing in Action,his most successful movie.Corey Feldman has enjoyed a long career in b-movies when he's not haunting horror conventions across the country(and throwing dead hotel room parties,so the story goes).The always uber-bizarre Glover has been touring his self-produced headscratcher of a trilogy,where his co-stars are usually retarded,in blackface,or a Shirley Temple doll in nazi getup.Crispin Hellion Glover,what are we to do with you.Peter Barton went on to a recurring role in housewife tele-crack,Young and the Restless.Last American Virgin Lawrence Monoson is still highly active in television to this day.In closing,the effects are peerless for their time(especially uncut),there are some memorable performances by some of the cast,and that's enough to make this one of the better unlucky Fridays you could sit down to watch.The Final Chapter dances spastically around the living room to a scale rating of two wops.

Jason's(Ted White) facin' a brutal erasin' as Tommy(Feldman) hacks his ana-tomy as revenge for his mommy.

"Bad Ronald"(1974)d/Buzz Kulik

I grew up in a (then)sixty-plus year old house,so I'm fully aware that every once in awhile your attention might be drawn to the sounds of a rat scratching and gnawing inside the walls.The subject matter that tonight's feature deals with is an entirely different,far more terrifying prospect that most people don't give a second thought to:A homicidal,socially retarded teenaged nerd living in the walls of your home.Directed by the late Seymour "Buzz" Kulik,who otherwise flourished in a long career in television,helming everything from Twilight Zone episodes to the Matt Helm series,as well as some uncredited work on the equally stellar 1972 telefilm,Crawlspace(which we'll look at here at the Wop soon enough),and adapted for the small screen from a novel by John Holbrook Vance,Bad Ronald debuted during the Halloween season,October 23rd,1974,and stands in many horror fans top genre made-for-television lists to this day.Certainly on mine.The cast includes the delicious Lisa "10 to Midnight" Eilbacher,Dabney "9 to 5" Coleman,Kim "Planet of the Apes" Hunter,and in an adequate starring turn as a sort of deranged Screech,Scott Jacoby,who,apart from genre work in films like "The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane" and "Return to Horror High",had a recurring role on television's Golden Girls,of all things.I'll refrain from making peephole jokes about Bea Arthur tonight,as I'm still feeling the sting of the loss of Rue McClanahan over here.R.I.P. to a true cougar.Now,let's get to business.

"You know what your bratty little head could use,Carol? A cinderblock!"
Enter Ron Wilby(Jacoby).He's a shy,introverted nearsighted mama's boy who gets his stones busted at every juncture.After celebrating his sixteenth birthday at home with mom(Hunter) in true nutsac fashion,she presents him a nifty toolbox and some art supplies and they share some celebratory cake.Slow down,Syd Barrett.He decides to swing on by Laurie Matthews' crib next door,amidst the protests of his lone party guest,who tells him he shouldn't waste time on people who don't care about him.He finds the object of his desire splashing abight in her pool with a bevvy of sportos,meatheads,Ron Jeremy lookalikes,and cheerleader-types,who take five minutes out of their shallow day to abuse the kid's egg purse while Laurie teases him with bikini-clad teen curves that a dork like Ronald'll never get his sweaty mitts on.On his dejected walk home,he bumps into Laurie's younger sister,Carol,and knocks her clean off her banana seat,spurring the bitch-in-training to chuck a few more barbs his way,and when she paints the Wilby clan,doting mother included,with a weird paintbrush,Ron's had it.He hotheadedly pushes the young bitch to the ground,failing to notice the cinderblock,fantastic for head-pulverizing,below.After his initial panic subsides,he buries her in a shallow grave and runs home to mother.Hearing of Ronald's unfortunate chain of events,Mater Wilby naturally notifies the authorities and suggests her son turn himself in for ques-no,that's not what she does at all.She spends the evening walling off the downstairs bathroom,plastering over the door,and allowing for a pantry trapdoor,where she advises her son to hide until the coast is clear enough for the young murderer and his accessory to leave town for brighter surroundings in a month or two.

One man's walled off downstairs bathroom is another's magical fairy kingdom,like they say.
After the police buy Mrs. Wilby's story about her son running away,it looks as though the duo has gotten away with murder,as Ron gets accustomed to his new home in the wall,doing exercises,writing fiction,and using his art supplies to craft drawings of himself as an armor-laden champion to the fairies of the kingdom of Atranta.Except when his mother goes into the hospital for routine gall bladder surgery,she selfishly dies from complications,leaving wall boy to fend for himself in the empty Victorian house.Shut off from the outside world,Ronald subsists on canned beans and candy bars,retreating further into his makebelieve world with each passing day,installing more trapdoors and peepholes into the walls(but no shower),which come in pretty handy when the Woods family,complete with three teenaged daughters move into the house.The eldest,Ellen,starts dating Duane Matthews,the brother of the dead brat that caused the whole mess in the first place,and relates stories of the creepy kid who used to live in the house to the girls,who hear strange noises and feel as though they're being watched by somebody.After being forced to dispose of Mrs. Schumacher,who drops dead of a heart attack after spying Ron raiding the Woods' fridge,in the crawlspace under the house,Ronald becomes more and more delusional,envisioning the youngest daughter,Babs,as the future queen of his fantasy world,and Duane as the evil duke that stands between the star-crossed lovers and their thrones.You know,when the Woods' leave their daughters alone while away on a weekend business trip,I'll just bet Ronald uses the opportunity to capture his would-be destiny,and take her into the wall where they can be married and start their lives together as Atrantians.What does transpire,you'll have to see for yourselves.I promise you,it's worth every second.

Mrs. Schumacher pops round to pick up that myocardial infarction she'd left at the Wilby place.
Brrrrrrr,just when you thought all nerds were capable of was spending every waking hour sycophantically showering empty compliments and flattery on female D-list genre celebrities on Facebook or hermetically sealing their vintage 3 3/4" Star Wars action figures on the card while jamming to Daft Punk and counting the days until the release of the new Tron movie,comes this sobering wake up call.I'm kidding.In this informational age,your humble N only has an e-mail inbox filled with horrible middle aged Edith Massey lookalikes obsessed with getting a ride on the Great Equalizer.Like a fantastic remake,you can bet neither of those things are gonna happen anytime soon.I'm still the same sucker for petite top-heavy brunettes that I ever was.As for tonight's review,snag yourself a copy,you'll be pleasantly surprised.One of the better of its kind,for sure.Three wops.

A peephole that Klaus Kinski would be envious of.

"Pin"(1988)d/Sandor Stern

Tonight's entry,a creepy little number from C to the anada,bitches,that touches upon a couple of my favorite things,schizophrenia,and anatomical teaching dummies.Seeing popular tele-dish Cynthia Preston briefly getting cocked down in the backseat of a car isn't the least choice,either.Dysfunctional families always make for a good time at the cinema,and as a rule,the more twisted the clan turns out to be,the better the viewing experience,for me,anyway.With that in mind,the family in Stern's Pin falls somewhere between Mommy Dearest and Texas Chainsaw Massacre.What the movie lacks in genre crutches,i.e. the red stuff and barenaked bobblers,it makes up for with a relentlessly mean torrent of psychological abuse,and once in awhile,I dig the variety,man.I'd expect a goodly portion of the mainstream horror "fans" will have already tuned out the review,with no franchisable wisecracking Ronald McDonald serial killer stalking some live nude mannekin with the emoting skills of Keanu Reeves on a hookah full of Lebanese blonde finger-hash in sight,but to those,I say:Go ahead and fuck off,I'll text you when we're covering something more palatable for mainstream consumption,donkeys.
I first caught this "plastic nightmare",no relation to the current string of plastic surgery fuckups we've had to laugh at recently,during the video rental heyday,and it instantly grew on me,with its original angle and unusual methods at scaring its audience.Let it be said,this is not a particularly scary film in the traditional sense of the word,it's more of a cerebral exercise in uncomfort,the kind that makes you embarrassed to bear witness to someone when they're doing something ridiculous that they oughta know better about.As such,tonight's entry works.If this sounds like the kind of hundred plus minute vacation into mental illness you'd like to take,then you too,will enjoy Pin.

Terry "Stepfather" O'Quinn,slightly less folically challenged than he is today.
Long before sawed-off neighborhood punks were daring each other to touch the weird mannekin in the attic window of the Linden place,the atmosphere was less than conducive to good mental health for little Leon and Ursula.Burdened with an OCD-stricken neat freak for a mother,and a sociopathic,schizo-ventriloquist doctor for a dad(O'Quinn),these two unfortunate urchins never stood a chance.The psychological devastation quickly takes its toll on the boy,who never sways in his belief that his father's life-sized see-through anatomical teaching model,appropriately nicknamed "Pin"(short for Pinocchio),that he fields medical queries through creepy voice throwing to the children he treats,as well as his own,is undeniably real and alive.An existence of having to eat dinner standing up on footstools,then sweeping and vacuuming underneath directly afterwards,and nightly rigged word problems for fatherly affection has both children retreating to each other for stability and sanity,but when they start looking at each other through West Virginny eyes,Dr. Linden delivers the birds and bees speech to them through his plastic office pal.Cuz that's pretty normal.When Leon secretly visits his father's office after hours on his own to share life discussions with the dummy,he's traumatized to discover ol' Pin piercing the panty purse of his father's nurse on the examination table.Yeah,Leon?It's me,your wig.I've officially flipped,boy.Ursula,slightly more grounded in reality than her brother,becomes the resident teenaged cockacidal maniac instead.Leon coitally interrupts her one evening,while she's taking pantsmeat in the back of a classic muscle car(ah,the eighties!),feeding fraternal fist to her fuckpal in the process,but it's too late.She's already got a nine month bun rising in her Easy-Bake Oven.Leon takes sis,amidst her protests(as she's known the translucent aid wasn't real for years now),to Pin for advice,and when the stiff doesn't answer back,Leon provides the ventriloquism in his father's absence.When they take Ursula's carnal oopsie to their father,he does what any dad skilled in the medical arts would do,and gives his own daughter an abortion right there in his office.Yeah,when I told you this family was twisted,my asshole wasn't whistlin' the theme to Jackie Chan's Battlecreek Brawl,droogies.

This anatomically correct chunk of painted plastic is scoring some pussy,while you read movie reviews online.Life's a cruel bitch,indeed.
So,when both parents eat flaming automobile death(caused by Pin perhaps?),Leon takes over as the pater familiaris,and moves Pin into the Linden household,putting his plastic ass in a smart suit,latex mask,gloves,and nifty wheelchair for easy mobility.Ursula,probably a bit unnerved by her brother's ever-increasing state of bananas,takes a job at a library,where she reads up on diagnosis and treatment for Leon's Santa-list of mental illnesses.You can imagine the poor girl's embarrassment when she finally introduces her newly acquired jocko homo boyfriendo to the "family"(translation:shithouse rat-crazy brother and his lifesized talking doll)over dinner.Pin pow-wows with Leon on the matter,suggesting now that Urs' has gotten herself a man,the couple will surely leave him to decay in some mental facility while they traipse off and enjoy their lives(and her inheritance) together.Clearly,Leon's going to have to snuff the jock with Pin's assistance,if he wants everything to remain the same.He invites Stan over under the ruse of a surprise birthday party for Ursula,slipping him a mickey,then braining him with a wooden sculpture before accordingly bagging him on Pin's orders.Alas,before he can effectively dump the cadaver in the drink,Urs returns home early,forcing him to ditch the bloody sporto in the woodpile out back.When Leon's bold-faced lies combine with hard bloody evidence that maybe,Stan hadn't gone to visit a sick friend afterall,she comes to the realization that her brother was in the process of whacking her beau.Upon confrontation,Leon points the finger at the dummy,who during the course of the argument refuses to shoulder any of the blame.A hysterical Ursula returns with axe-in-mitts,and Leon screams like the psycho-bitch that he undoubtedly is.When the police discover Stan in the woodpile,amazingly,the guy's still breathing.Later,Urs and Stan return to the house to visit Pin who asks the girl if she's heard from Leon,and admits to missing him greatly.Only,Pin is now Leon.

I sported Leon's haircut in the eighties,too.The yellow sweater?Not a fucking chance,pals.
As always,O'Quinn,who's enjoyed a resurgence in popularity of late due to television's "Lost series,turns in a memorable performance.Preston,perma-sexy,also delivers as Ursula.I'm not sure if Hewlitt's cringe-worthy asexual turn as nutbag Leon is a paen to his acting skills,or a knock against said abilities.Either way,the film is a welcome retreat from the obvious cookie-cutter stuff out there,and I've always enjoyed it.Apparently,a novelization by Andrew Neiderman exists,for any "Pin" completists,if there is indeed such a thing.The dvd,which serves up a choice widescreen anamorphic transfer and interesting director's commentary track,has been floating around for nearly a decade,but shouldn't be too hard to come by if you're looking for it.Good stuff.Three wops.

I spent most of my twenties unconscious and/or covered with blood,I can totally relate.