Wide Open(1975)d/Gustav Wiklund

Let's continue on down the holiday road(that wasn't a Lindsey Buckingham reference,I swear)with a succulent slice of Swedish sexploitation called Sängkamrater from Finnish genre director Gustav(Exponerad)Wiklund.Not much sense is to be made of what's going on on the big screen here,but it's all relative when you've got Christina Lindberg nude in front of the lens.I'll...cough,cough...try to be objective here for once,but I'm not making any promises.I'm not sure if this was meant to be a comedy or a drama,but half-nude kick lines,horse stable rear entry,and housekeeping in the buff certainly have comedic elements in my book.The foggy,vague non-linear story goes something like this:

ABBA tickets sold out?That explains your collective Swedish sourpusses.
Some guy who drives a taxi for a living runs into his pop,on the piss-up,at a horse race. The two men go back to the son's apartment,where his girlfriend is naturally wandering around bare-assed.In a turn that would make Alan Alda cringe,the drunken dad attacks her. Further on, the young taxi driver and his squeeze go to a swank get-together of well-to-do's,where he humps some random blonde bimbette in a back room.He never worried about bringing sammitches to a picnic,methinks.Meanwhile his girlfriend ends up bumping into her younger sister,who's happy go lucky but brutally blecchh in the grillpiece,and happens to be starring in an arthouse film that happens to be being screened at that very same party.Imagine that. A twisted birthday party/family reunion ensues after which the older sister/girlfriend takes off for Copenhagen,whilst her junior wrongly pursues a career in nude modelling/open sex with her jaw-droppingly gorgeous friend,Eva (Christina Lindberg).

The polyester blazer,the hairdo,the mutton chops,the turtleneck...this flick has it ALL.
The younger chick also tries vainly to put the moves on her sister's old man,the unfaithful taxi driver,but he couldn't be bothered,preferring the charms of Eva, putting the blocks to her on the couch while her own oblivious/apathetic bee-eff is passed the fuck out mere feet away. We then learn that Eva in something of an abusive relationship herself,taking the manroot from behind in a horse stable and inexplicably being forced to do her household chores sans gear.This doesn't stop her from acing a nude photo shoot,and looking as cute as a friggin button the whole time. Then there's also a consignment of hard drugs stowed away in a fur coat which eventually ties in with the three heroines doing a nude/semi-nude can-can dance a la Salo'.It doesn't get any clearer from here,but then...who cares,really?Were you really expecting Citizen Kane going into this?

Oh yeah,she's in this flick too.
If your taste in women is anything like mine,you'll enjoy this 102 minute diversion from the diabolical daily drudgery of life for the obvious reason.As usual,Lindberg is the main(and really only)draw here,but dio motarello! She's one beautiful piece of cinematic scenery.The convoluted story reeks of chauvenism/misogyny and harsh role playing,which may or may not have been par for the course in Sweden's open sexual society in the seventies,and most of the key players aren't memorable or even attractive enough to merit much attention from me.But...Christina looks fantastic here,and turns in a wonderfully nude performance as always.Throwing objectivity to the ground,kicking it in the mush with size 13 steelcapped boots until rendered comatose,I give Wide Open:

Rub a dub dub,three Swedes in a tub.

Humongous(1982)d/Paul Lynch

Humongous is a dated eighties term that describes a lot of things in my life.My dvd collection,my collection of traffic tickets,my genitals...When describing this particular movie though,it best describes the pile of dogshit that Prom Night director Paul Lynch committed to celluloid here.It feasibly could have been much better under different circumstances:if the cinematographer bothered to turn on some lights,if the two female sfx artists bothered to show up on the set,if the titular deformed killer was indeed humongous instead of on the average side of puny,if anyone involved took some pride in their work and cared what kind of film they completed for mass consumption,the list goes on and on.Besides a decent release poster that emptily promises thrills that just aren't present,there isn't much here at all.

A wealthy teen spinster's guard dogs turn a rapist into snausages.
In the golden age of surprise sex back in the 1940s,Ida(Mary Sullivan)prickteases the wrong guy,who smokes a cigarette and rapes her,unaware that the rich girl has some voracious guard dogs who show up and bite him a lot.Ida finishes the sex offender off with a brick to the skull,then secludes herself on an island to give birth to a deformed monster child that we never really see clearly.We fast forward to the present day,and are introduced to a gaggle of promiscuous yet unattractive teens who have been vacationing on a nearby island and are preparing for the long boatride home.Eric and Nick,their sister,and their two girlfriends make up the partying protagonists.When Nick's girlfriend gives him a big negatory on the trim front,Nick decides to unwisely steer the boat pissed through rocky shallows in the dark.Always one,isn't there?

There's always a slut boogieing to a ghetto blaster on a boat in these films...
Needless to say,he crashes the boat on the very same island where Ida has reared her awful offspring years earlier.A few things she never bothered to teach little Hugh,was how to play well with others or how to keep his hands to himself.He's busy stalking the kids through the island's woods,growling like a feral beast every chance he gets,and never hesitating to step on a poor bastard's neck,or squeeze some floozy's head like an overripe zit.After several systematically unlit and gore-less murders,the audience is down to Nick's prudish gal left to fend for herself against Mr. Mongous.In one instant reminiscent of Friday the 13th Part 2,released the year before, she dons some of Ida's clothes and poses as the monster's mother,fooling the snarling fiend momentarily.In the end,she burns up a boathouse with the bad guy inside,having to skewer him with a signpost when he turns up crispy and pissed afterwards.She sits vacantly on the dock looking out over the water as the credits roll.I know the feeling,sister.

Our protagonists arrive at Michael Vick's estate.
The last time I watched this one was probably the week it was released on VHS.Back then I'd do five videos at a pop,so the miserable taste of ass this thing leaves in the viewer's mouth was most likely sweetened by three or four backup movies at the time.Those were the days.This time around,I had just this to watch the other night and I was rationing cigarettes to boot.Afterwards I seriously considered throwing in Prom Night afterwards,which looks like The freakin' Godfather compared to this flick.That's not a good thing for Lynch.In fact,I would've scored this zero Wops if I didn't momentarily lapse into Atari 2600 high scores and Nardone's sorry but delicious excuse for real pizza they used to serve up at high school football games around here.Generously,I gave this:

Yeah,I kinda had the same look when all this was said and done,too.

He Knows You're Alone(1980)d/Armand Mastroianni

John Carpenter's Halloween(1978)set off the hack and slash era,inspiring a seemingly endless cornucopia of slasher flicks of varying effectiveness.The best of the bunch display a certain degree of originality and stand on their own.In the end,this entry isn't one of them.Having said that,it does have some merit in its corner,in solid performances from its cast(which included Tom Hanks and Paul "Get the horns" Gleason)and some decent atmosphere.Other than that,its little more than a low budget cookie cutter clone of Carpenter's classic,with few scares and less gore.Mastroianni shot this almost in entirety on Staten Island,the stomping grounds of perhaps the single worst director of all time,Andy Milligan.Maybe he rubbed off on the production.Its all conjecture at this point...Not unenjoyable,but nothing exceptional either.

The killer(Tom Rolfing) does have some intense eyes,if nothing else,eh?
It sucks when your girlfriend gives you the axe,even worse when she ends up marrying the douchebag she left you for.Usually,you can get over it by breaking out the porn dvd you guys shot,dirty a couple of tissues,then head to the meatmarket club in search of decent rebound sex.Not Ray(Tom Rolfing).He rolls stag to his ex's wedding,and knifes the bitch before the ceremony.And he's not done there,he's gonna openly seek out other chicks who are getting married so he can kill them first.Bitter are ya,Raymond?He's set his sights on Amy(Caitlin O'Heaney),a girl who's about to marry a cheating shitbag,but has an ex named Marvin(Don "Squirm" Scardino)who's hanging around in the wings,hoping she's gonna change her mind.Oh yeah,Marvin works in a morgue.Good luck winning her back,dude.Ray's not a killer with any degree of pizzazz,but he's pretty damn good at following Amy.He knows when she's getting fitted for her wedding gown,he knows when she's taking in an ice cream,he knows when she's looking out her kitchen window,he knows when she's gonna take the haunted house ride at the amusement park,he knows when she's sleeping,he knows when she's awake...Seriously,Ray,do you moonlight as friggin' Santa Claus in your spare time?

Yes,Caitlin,removing your top greatly enhances your odds of being Wop-ette of the Week.
On the side of law and order are a pair of detectives,one of which happens to be the poor bastard left standing at the altar when Ray killed his fiancee.You'd expect the Loomis speech out of one of these guys.They don't deliver it,or much else.Meanwhile,Amy's girlfriends are all turning their toes up.Even Amy's tailor gets holes poked in his midsection with his own garment scissors.Tom Hanks shows up in a neckerchief and delivers the Loomis speech about fear while on an amusement park date with one of Amy's friends,then goes away.There's a big showdown at the morgue when Ray tries to off Amy there,managing to stab a detective,and get himself arrested off camera(?)instead.Marvin,though not offering much in protection from the knife-wielding maniac,has wom Amy's heart.They plan to marry.Amy's ex shows up before the ceremony.I sense a pattern forming here.Fade to red and cue the Halloween rip-off piano music.

What's Forrest Gump doing here and why's he wearing a neckerchief?
As I mentioned earlier,it's not that this flick is entirely unlikable,it's just almost completely derivative with little variation.The soundtrack,the cinematography,the emotionless killer,Tom Hanks in a neckerchief...well,I just added that last one as a goof,but you know what I'm getting at.Caitlin O'Heaney was kind of a plain Irish dish back in the early 80's,but she doesn't get bare-assed here at all(Try Savage Weekend if you're jonesin for more than a peek).Scardino went on to direct episodes of 30 Rock,Gleason went on to a long career in films,and we all know how Hanks turned out.I may be a little hard on this one,but I have seen it several times and don't mind throwing it in every now and again.On the scale,where it counts,though,it barely manages:

In times of great duress,Amy tends to duck her head into her turtleneck like some kinda terrified ostrich.

Tarantula(1955)d/Jack Arnold

Horror of the fifties,thy name is big ass bugs.In the Atom Age,all sorts of denizens of the insect world grew to size "Holy Shit!" and terrorized mankind.From ants in Them! to mantids in The Deadly Mantis,most of natures nasties exacted multi-legged retribution for man's scientific curiosity on the silver screen.Perfect drive in fodder if you think about it...you and your chick in a roadster,chicks naturally hate bugs,giant cinematic bug creeps chick out and into your lap,where,inevitably,much necking and heavy petting will commence.I'm all about that sort of thing myself.Hell,I've even used the "blue ball" excuse that probably pre-dates the drive in era by fifty years or so.This entry is one of my personal favorites of the sub-genre for obvious reasons...

You know,I'll bet that thing is gonna get outta there later on...
The good professor Deemer(Leo G. Carroll)has been working on solving the world's hunger problems by developing a nutrient formula that causes giantism in animals out in his southwestern desert laboratory.You'd think he'd be more concerned with making communists smaller instead,but we continue...He's succeeded in growing guinea pigs,rats...tarantulas(insert incidental theremin here)...but failed in administering his serum to two of his assistants.Doesn't have the same effect on humans,apparently.One of which turns up very deformed and very dead,baffling authorities,but the other,he's deformed and PISSED OFF.He pays Deemer a social call,going knuckle up with the prof,injecting him with his own serum,smashing valuable equipment,starting a raging lab fire,and freeing a giant tarantula who legs it the hell outta there into the scalding sand.Dr.Hastings(50's journeyman John Agar)has a two-fold problem:figuring out the weirdness going on out in the desert and getting into Deemer's new assistant Stephanie Clayton's(Mara Corday)big cotton fifties britches.

The monstrous mygalamorph sets its eight eyes on some horses to chow down on.
When some horses turn up as bone dry skeletons with strange white puddles nearby,Hastings deducts that perhaps not all of Deemer's lab animals died in the fire.In the meantime,the professor's physical appearance is steadily gaining in whacked-out zaniness,due to his involuntary nutrient injection,much to his dismay and our chagrin.The escaped spider,now over 100 feet,has focused its venom-dripping chelicerae on human prey,dining on some hobos,truck drivers,and state troopers who learn the hard way that the beast is impervious to shotgun blasts and even dynamite!The boisterous beast even returns to the scene of the crime,pulverizing Deemer's pad,taking down the gruesomely deformed professor with it.Things look bleak for the small town as the tarantula converges upon them,until it learns a valuable lesson about humanity:If you piss us off,we'll call in Clint Eastwood in a jet fighter armed with napalm.

The town trembles in terror as the towering tarantula traipses towards them.
Along with Earth vs. The Spider,always my favorite among the many atom age fifties nature gone awry flicks.The film's producers used air jets to get the live action tarantula to move in the directions they wanted it to over the miniature set,which probably stressed her the fuck out in the process,as blasts of air from above do not occur in nature.Yeah,sorry,I've always been a hopeless arachnophile,if you hadn't already guessed from earlier posts.Anyway,to all my readers,I wish you a happy holiday today with friends,family,and loved ones,but know this:if the tryptophan in your turkey dinner caused you to doze off around me,I'd probably take a Sharpie marker to your face.I'm a lot of fun like that.Tarantula rates:

Feeling lucky,spider?!!Well,are ya?

Multiple Maniacs(1970)d/John Waters

John Waters' underground films are among some of the funniest,most twisted flicks you may ever see in your life.Think of the most outrageous,gross,hilarious situation you can imagine,and it's usually waiting for you in the next scene.Granted,his acceptance in Hollywood has watered down his filmography a great deal,but here's a guy with a camera who just started making movies as a hobby,and they've turned his visions into hit Broadway shows and remade them into big budget box office hits.I think he's made out pretty well for himself.Tonight's entry was his first big venture into synch sound,directly after the hilarious short, "The Diane Linkletter Story",which he shot to test the equipment.What transpires on the screen hereafter,is pure genius.

Mr. David(David Lochary) leads unsuspecting suburban Baltimoreans into the "puke eater" tent.
Mr. David(Lochary)is the barker for Lady Divine's Cavalcade of Perversion,a twisted suburban sideshow of pornography,drug abuse,sex fetishes,queers who kiss each other like lovers on the lips,and the puke eater.He'll lap it right up for you.He loves it.When the main attraction takes the stage,she(he? it?) nets the unsuspecting crowd and robs them of valuables and any drugs they may have,shooting a few to prove she means business.Unbeknownst to this criminal behemoth,her boyfriend is having an affair with Bonnie(Mary Vivian Pierce),a coprophagiac/gerontophiliac who's working on perfecting her own twisted act with Mr. David,who is compelled to stay with Divine because she holds him responsible for the Tate murders(!).He sneaks away to meet his platinum liason at Pete's Bar,where barkeep Edith(the one and only Edith Massey in her first appearance)rats them out to Divine with a phone call.She storms out of her daughter Cookie's place with vengeance on her mind...

The Infant of Prague(!)rescues Lady Divine from bag-huffing,cross dressing rapists.
On the streets of Baltimore,Divine is raped by bag-huffing cross dressers,only to be saved by the Infant of Prague(hahaha!)who leads her to a church,where she meets Mink(Mink Stole),who puts rosary beads up her ass as they review the stations of the cross.A junkie,shooting up near the altar,is unconcerned.Divine declares herself a lesbian(!!),and she and her new girlfriend mug a policeman.Meanwhile,Mr. David and Bonnie have killed Cookie and tied up one of the showhands,planning to kill Divine when she returns if she doesn't release David from her web of criminality.Divine kills Bonnie,then disembowels her boyfriend with a steak knife,cannibalizing his organs,before turning on her recent love interest,Mink,killing her as well.As she wallows in her own depravity,a fifteen foot lobster,aptly named Lobstora,shambles in and rapes her,further turning her into a lunatic,before the National Guard shows up and puts her out of her misery with multiple gunshots.

Fix yourself up at church.Personally,I prefer sex on the altar...
Threadbare production,non-actors,and pirated soundtrack music only add to the film's charm here,and the dialogue is both outrageous and hilarious, in a bow to Waters' hero,Russ Meyer.Look for Waters' regulars George Figgs as Jesus Christ feeding canned tuna and Wonderbread to his disciples in a fantasy sequence and Paul 'Eggman' Swift as Cookie's weatherman/political activist boyfriend.Watching early Waters offerings may come as a bit of a shock to anyone who only knows his work through titles like Serial Mom or Cry Baby.But honestly,I love the early films so fucking much...I could shit.This gets:

Lobstora's here,and he's got rape on his mind.

Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park(1978)d/Gordon Hessler

We got to watch this on tv,the poor Columbians had to pay to see it in theaters...
Originally aired three nights before Halloween in 1978,this made-for-television movie plays like a live action Scooby Doo episode with worse acting(Hanna-Barbera was responsible,go figure).I was nine when I sat glued to the tv set watching it for the first time,and as a nine year old KISS Army member,I have reason to believe I was probably the target audience for this.All the members of the band do more than prove they should stick to bubblegum arena rock and never act again.Gene Simmons,who does little more than snarl and growl like an animal on camera,ironically enjoyed somewhat of an acting career in the eighties when the band took off the makeup.Go figure.An uber-cheezy and dated good time to be had,regardless of how badly the band have trashed this one over the years.If you ever liked KISS,you'll enjoy it.

Peter Criss plays a mean Tilt-a-Whirl.
Super group KISS is scheduled to play to a throng of screaming bra-bereaft Farrah-lookalike chicks and their van-driving boyfriends with feathered back hair at an amusement park that employs a man named Abner Devereaux,who has designed expensive animatronic robots for display.Little does anyone know,Devereaux has been working slavishly in his laboratory(!)to clone human beings into his remote-controlled robots and take over the world.With the help of Sam(Terry Lester,of Young and the Restless fame,god,I'm embarrassed I even knew that),equipped with some Radio Shack circuitry behind one of his ears,he exacts silly vengeance on some "punks" who get their kicks punching expensive animatronic robots at the park,turning them into future park robot displays(poor Slime,Chopper,and Dirty Dee!),before setting his sights on bigger fish in pancake makeup to fry when the park owner diverts some of Abner's robot money towards a big rock concert:the talisman-rocking,super-powered,hooded purveyors of bubblegum stadium rock known only as KISS!Well,that's not entirely true.They also go by these cheezy nicknames:Star Child,The Demon,Space Ace,and Catman.(sound of Cheez Whiz can emptying onto paper plate)

Deborah Ryan,of Bigfoot and Wildboy,and The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo fame...
Devereaux unleashes Robo-Chaim on the park guards to frame the real Witz and company,but when that plan fails,he imprisons the real rockers in his laboratory and sets robot KISS on stage in their place,doing "Hotter than Hell" with "Rip and Destroy" lyrics in their place to incite the fans to riot.With the help of Sam's girfriend,the boys retrieve their magical talismans,fly onto the stage and defeat their animatronic impersonators,and give the crowd what they came for;the obligatory rock n' roll awl nayyyyyite an' pawty evahree day!After the spectacular show,the band returns to the laboratory,presumably to make a rockers' arrest on Devereaux,only to find the mad genius dead(?) with white hair and a frozen look on his face.Did he finally see the script?Did he look into a crystal ball and see the band's 1979 disco album Dynasty in the works?We may never know.They free Sam from his robo-trance and reunite him with his best gal.Gee,that KISS is swell...as Space Ace would say..."Ack!"

The Demon(Gene Simmons) says "Roooooooaaaaaaaaaaar".
About a half step ahead of Hanna-Barbera's OTHER live action show,Banana Splits.Some may argue that Splits had better tunes and acting,but hey,they probably didn't have a mylar poster of Gene Simmons over their bedroom mirror in 1978 either.Cough,cough.The band has gone on record condemning this whole affair numerous times,but really,is it any worse than overweight and ancient hairplug-rocking Gene pushing sixty years old STILL throwing on the platform dragon boots for his celebrity roast,OR blaming fans (the same people responsible for making the guy a multi-millionaire)for the decline of the music industry today?Regardless of the circus surrounding KISS members these days,I was one of their biggest fans in their heyday and this flick brings back all kinds of memories.I give it:

Devereaux would have succeeded if it wasn't for you meddling New Yorkers in kabuki makeup and platform boots!

La Lupa Mannara(1976)d/Rino Di Silvestro

This one had been my list of wants for some time,before finally being able to sit down and screen a copy for myself.If the director, Di Silvestro,the man responsible for "Deported Women of the SS",doesn't clue you in on what you're in for here,I'll oblige gladly.SLEAZE.Lots of it.'70s nastiness you could only get in mother Italia.If you want a coherent werewolf movie,full of transformations and tragic heroism,go somewhere else,eh disgraziata?Multiple rapes,softcore sex,graphic nudity,chunky gore?You've come to the right place.You may need to visit your local confessional or bathhouse afterwards,but that's what it's all about!

Okay,paisani,where's the rest of the werewolf?
Daniella(Annik Borel),a victim of childhood rape,develops a festering hatred towards all men,which she channels by summoning the spirit of a long dead bestial ancestor who looks strikingly similar to Daniella,mind you, who herself,was a murderous werewolf.Once possessed by the spirit,Daniella extracts bloody vindication for misdeeds of the past,usually chowing down on some poor fuck's jugular vein before,during,or after having sex with him.While under her father's watchful eye,she spots her sister and her husband making love,which spurs the wolfgal to lure the husband out to the barn and abruptly bite his throat out!The death is ruled accidental(!) and blamed on watchdogs,but gets our heroine tossed into a rubber room.

A sleazy Italo-axe finds a home in some poor bastard's domepiece.
In the loony bin,she spouts obscenities at an innocent nurse,and her now-widowed sister,later escaping with the help of the resident nymphomaniac(!!)who gets shanked during the getaway.On the lam,she snacks on several male and female victims before falling in love with a cinema stuntman.In a shameless attack,her boyfriend gets shanked by some unsavoury characters,and poor Daniella gets gangraped all over again,reverting her back to her animalistic subconscious split personality,cueing more death.In the end,a narrator boldfaced lies to the viewer,claiming this whole mish-mosh was based on ACTUAL events in 1968!Oh those tempestuous sixties,maaaahn!

Seriously,regular applications of lotion will clear that right up.
Shriek Show/Media Blasters released the long awaited dvd of this one,and did a pretty bang up job indeed,as always.Gore and "creature" effects(meh!) were handled by Italo-legend Carlo Rambaldi who did admirably gore-wise,but left out potential choice werewolfism for some unknown reason.Not enough lira in the budget?Eh,whattayagonndo.Either way,this is a nifty little slice of Italian exploitation,and will not dissapoint those who set out for it with that in mind.Star Annik Borel strangely never went on to much after this,paying the bills as set dressing in flicks like Truck Turner and Ted V. Mikel's Blood Orgy of the She Devils.She's nude a whole helluva lot in this one,I'll give her that.On the scale,it merits a decent:

She may not turn into much of a werewolf,but she knows how to bite necks with the best of 'em.

Legendary Weapons of China(1982)d/Liu Chia Liang

Let it be known on this drab and awful weekend,in a break between partying and entertaining monthecunts,I put before you,arguably, the greatest kung fu movie of all time.Liu Chia Liang was indeed the greatest director the martial world had seen,responsible for such epics as The 36th Chamber of Shaolin,Heroes of the East(both starring adopted brother "Gordon" Liu Chia Hui),and Jacky Chan's Drunken Master II.In your humble N's eyes,this is his masterpiece,showcasing all eighteen Shaolin weapons and weaving a fantastic tale of traditional kung fu and Taoist maoshan folk magic around an all-star cast that included my personal fave Fu Sheng,returning from breaking both legs during the filming of Deadly Breaking Sword.Amazing stuff transpires.You need to see this if you havent already.

Ti Hau's master pauses to give a metal salute to Helloween.
The Yi Ho Society,a branch of the anti-foreigner Boxer movement,practices Pugilism kung fu,a mix of fighting skills and dark magic,to combat Western bullets for the Empress Dowager's behalf.Only thing is,they arent impervious to bullets(!).Clan leader Lei Kung(director Liang himself) knows this and dissolves his branch,preferring to spare his pupils a death by gunpowder.The other branches set out to kill him for his believed treachery,led by Ti Tan(Gordon Liu,of Kill Bill-fame),Ti Hau(Hsiao Ho),and Fang Shao Ching(Hui Ying Hung).Kung's brother,Lei Ying(director's brother,Liu Chia Yung)is also looking for him,hiring a local conman(Fu Sheng) to pose as Kung to throw the others off the trail.In Yunan,all involved parties cross paths,unaware of who anyone is or what side they're on!

A conman's(Fu Sheng) body,controlled by a voodoo doll,does some seriously choice shit.
The Yi Ho practitioners use ventriloquism,smoke,darts,and magic,as well as kung fu and weaponry to weed out Kung,who is posing as an old woodsman in the village.Kung is a wily adversary though,and soon enlists Fang and Ti to help him regain his depleted martial skills,leading up to lengthy grandiose battles with Ti Tan,who he deafens(!), the Yi Ho leader himself, and his own treacherously greedy brother Ying,who only wants fame and money.The final battle encompasses all eighteen weapons in a knock down,drag out fight to the finish!

Lei Kung(Liang) prepares for a battle to the death with Lei Ying(Yung).
Liang started his career as a choreographer for the Shaw Brothers,and nowhere more than here does he prove he is a true master at his craft.A martial artist myself for the past twenty-six years,I could go on at great lengths at the dazzling display of weapons,forms,and fighting styles displayed herein,but I'll digress,instead asking you,the viewer,to see for yourself.If you're into kung fu,this is as good as it gets.If you're on the fence about the genre,this will turn you into a full-blown fan.There's only one score on the Wopsploitation scale this movie is worthy of,and that's the highest rating,which is:

If you blink,you'll miss some truly dazzling real kung fu here.

Jekyll and Hyde...Together Again(1983)d/Jerry Belson

Ah,the eighties.I must've watched this twenty times or more back in the cable box days(probably because I had nothing better to do as your average deranged 13 year old,burdened with fragstache,zits,and a mullet).A manic,thirty-five hit or miss jokes a second comedy and updated piss-take on Robert Louis Stevenson's classic story that borrows heavily from Jerry Lewis' The Nutty Professor, in the vein of Airplane,Top Secret,or even Robin Hood:Men in Tights.The film takes the low road in exploiting the increasing popularity of cocaine at the time,video arcades,punk rock,and non-existent political correctness,as was so often the case in comedy back then.They were the good ole days,dadgum it!

Jekyll(Blankfield)inadvertently inhales experimental booger sugar in his sleep...
While working as the star surgeon at Our Lady of Pain and Suffering Hospital,Dr. Janiel Dekyll...uhh,Daniel Jekyll(Blankfield) has been experimenting with medicinal methods of doing away with surgery altogether that involve...drugs(insert crowd cheer).His boss Dr. Carew is trying to convince him to perform a total transplant(heart,lungs,kidneys,testicles....ASS)on multi-millionaire Hubert Howes,dangling his engagement and impending marriage to Carew's daughter Mary(Bess Armstrong of Jaws 3-D fame)over his head.One night while working slavishly on his formula,Jekyll falls asleep at the table,snores a soda straw into his own nostril,then blows a shneezer of the untested powder directly into his brain,turning him into Mr. Hyde,a polyester blazer-wearing,razorblade necklaced,fright-afro sporting cool disco pimp,complete with coke pinky nail.Hyde scrapes some of the powder into a baggie and heads out looking for action,ending up at new wave punk club/sushi parlour,Madame Woo Woo's,where he beds Ivy(Krista Erickkson,a fellow Pennsylvanian who went from this to THIS...blech),the lead singer of the Shitty Rainbows,the house band,and prior patient to Jekyll when he was forced to remove a foreign object(a Chinaman,har har)from her vagina in the ER.

...which tranforms him into cool(?) disco/new wave pimp Hyde.Uh huh.
He awakens after a night of debauchery as the good doctor again,but is now torn between the new outta sight feelings he's awakened inside himself with his drug,and the complacent life he already knows too well at the hospital.Does he flush the remainder of the powder down the toilet,perform the expensive surgery,and marry Mary?Or does he snort some more of it,causing chaos along the way in his pursuit of the sex-packed dynamo Ivy?Yeah,plan B here,of course.Soon he no longer has to cut himself wonder rails to transform into the swinger,and the change comes unannounced without warning.The whole frantic narco-tale comes to a head in dear ole Blighty,where Jekyll is scheduled to receive the Putzpuller Prize for Medicine(get it?Har har.)and Ivy has followed him,vowing to shoot him for treating her less than honorably.As Rick James used to say:Cocaine a vurr' powahful druuug.

Transvestite plastic surgeon Dr. Lanyon(Tim Thomerson)transforms patient into Christy Canyon.
There's still a few good chuckles left in this USA Up All Night staple which I'll leave you to discover for yourself.Blankfield,the former "Fridays" star(remember that show?)who gives an electric performance here,went onto a career of mainly television roles and a star turn in the forgettable tv sequel to The Jerk(!Did you even know they made one?).It must also be noted that Cassandra "Elvira" Peterson is hiding behind a nurses outfit here too,but her unmistakable voice and uhh...assets are a dead giveaway.I keep my copy next to other eighties comedies like Poliziotto Super Piu'(Super Fuzz) and Last American Virgin,but when it does come off the shelf for an occasional viewing nowadays,it gets:

Hyde oy!s at the sight of the Star of David.Who knew?