Wednesday, November 26, 2008

He Knows You're Alone(1980)d/Armand Mastroianni

John Carpenter's Halloween(1978)set off the hack and slash era,inspiring a seemingly endless cornucopia of slasher flicks of varying effectiveness.The best of the bunch display a certain degree of originality and stand on their own.In the end,this entry isn't one of them.Having said that,it does have some merit in its corner,in solid performances from its cast(which included Tom Hanks and Paul "Get the horns" Gleason)and some decent atmosphere.Other than that,its little more than a low budget cookie cutter clone of Carpenter's classic,with few scares and less gore.Mastroianni shot this almost in entirety on Staten Island,the stomping grounds of perhaps the single worst director of all time,Andy Milligan.Maybe he rubbed off on the production.Its all conjecture at this point...Not unenjoyable,but nothing exceptional either.
The killer(Tom Rolfing) does have some intense eyes,if nothing else,eh?
It sucks when your girlfriend gives you the axe,even worse when she ends up marrying the douchebag she left you for.Usually,you can get over it by breaking out the porn dvd you guys shot,dirty a couple of tissues,then head to the meatmarket club in search of decent rebound sex.Not Ray(Tom Rolfing).He rolls stag to his ex's wedding,and knifes the bitch before the ceremony.And he's not done there,he's gonna openly seek out other chicks who are getting married so he can kill them first.Bitter are ya,Raymond?He's set his sights on Amy(Caitlin O'Heaney),a girl who's about to marry a cheating shitbag,but has an ex named Marvin(Don "Squirm" Scardino)who's hanging around in the wings,hoping she's gonna change her mind.Oh yeah,Marvin works in a morgue.Good luck winning her back,dude.Ray's not a killer with any degree of pizzazz,but he's pretty damn good at following Amy.He knows when she's getting fitted for her wedding gown,he knows when she's taking in an ice cream,he knows when she's looking out her kitchen window,he knows when she's gonna take the haunted house ride at the amusement park,he knows when she's sleeping,he knows when she's awake...Seriously,Ray,do you moonlight as friggin' Santa Claus in your spare time?
Yes,Caitlin,removing your top greatly enhances your odds of being Wop-ette of the Week.
On the side of law and order are a pair of detectives,one of which happens to be the poor bastard left standing at the altar when Ray killed his fiancee.You'd expect the Loomis speech out of one of these guys.They don't deliver it,or much else.Meanwhile,Amy's girlfriends are all turning their toes up.Even Amy's tailor gets holes poked in his midsection with his own garment scissors.Tom Hanks shows up in a neckerchief and delivers the Loomis speech about fear while on an amusement park date with one of Amy's friends,then goes away.There's a big showdown at the morgue when Ray tries to off Amy there,managing to stab a detective,and get himself arrested off camera(?)instead.Marvin,though not offering much in protection from the knife-wielding maniac,has wom Amy's heart.They plan to marry.Amy's ex shows up before the ceremony.I sense a pattern forming here.Fade to red and cue the Halloween rip-off piano music.
What's Forrest Gump doing here and why's he wearing a neckerchief?
As I mentioned earlier,it's not that this flick is entirely unlikable,it's just almost completely derivative with little variation.The soundtrack,the cinematography,the emotionless killer,Tom Hanks in a neckerchief...well,I just added that last one as a goof,but you know what I'm getting at.Caitlin O'Heaney was kind of a plain Irish dish back in the early 80's,but she doesn't get bare-assed here at all(Try Savage Weekend if you're jonesin for more than a peek).Scardino went on to direct episodes of 30 Rock,Gleason went on to a long career in films,and we all know how Hanks turned out.I may be a little hard on this one,but I have seen it several times and don't mind throwing it in every now and again.On the scale,where it counts,though,it barely manages:
In times of great duress,Amy tends to duck her head into her turtleneck like some kinda terrified ostrich.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

is porn the only winner during credit crunch?

kelly divine

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