Monday, May 23, 2011

"CHAOS"(2005)d/David DeFalco


Photobucket Frank Black: Peter, why are you here?

Photobucket Peter Watts: The Millenium group takes an interest in certain types of cases.Copycat murders...and B-movie rip offs of cult classics. What do you feel about this one, Frank?

Photobucket Frank Black: ...Obviously this is a thinly veiled take on the Stilo gang back in the early seventies.Just look at that one sheet.

Photobucket David DeFalco: Hey, the original was unrealistic and hard to watch!

Photobucket B.W.: What are you doing directing movies? Shouldn't you be piledriving your cousin Vinnie outside his neoned up Camaro somewhere on Dekalb Ave?

Photobucket Peter Watts:"Lui che perfora tutte le madri..." He who gouges all the mothers.What are you doing here.

Photobucket B.W.:Weren't you in "The Stepfather"(1987)?So this guy thinks he outdirected this guy(remember, we're talking making movies here, not a steel cage match).I'm not even a huge Craven fan really, out of his twenty-nine directorial efforts I liked all of four that I've seen: Last House, Hills Have Eyes, Deadly Blessing, and Swamp Thing(If that was a batting average, mind you, Craven'd be sent down to the minors indefinitely).I'm fully aware that Craven's film was a remake of Bergman's Virgin Spring(which was, in turn, based upon a Swedish ballad from the thirteenth century), but it was a ground-breaking cult classic, not a derivative piece of unimaginative, hardened dog shit like this mess turned out to be.Mind the stench, as we examine more closely...

Photobucket Jordan Black:What's a 'steel cage match', Daddy?

Photobucket Frank Black:Nevermind, sweetheart.Go upstairs and finish packing for Grandma and Grandpa's.

Phyllis and Mar-uhhh, Emily(Chantal Degroat) and Angelica(Maya Barovich) looking to score some gras...errr, Ecstacy at a rock con...ummm, rave.

Photobucket B.W.:Way to dodge your parental responsibilities, Frank.She's been packing for granny's house for three seasons.You're gonna end up spending all your Millenium cash on psychologists couches for your daughter when she's a teenager.

Photobucket Frank Black:Whoa.You can see that?

Photobucket B.W.:Actually, I see you paying the bills in low-budget Bigfoot movies for the better part of this decade, but that's another story.

Photobucket Peter Watts:In 1972, the sadistic, criminal exploits of Krug Stilo, "Weasel" Podowski, Sadie, and Junior Stilo shocked and horrified audiences worldwide; the brutal murders of Phyllis Stone and Mari Collingwood as seen through the documentary-style lens of Wes Craven have provided horror fans with an all-time favorite for forty years and running.

Photobucket B.W.: Weren't you in "Pin"(1988)?"CHAOS"(2005) is the exact same story dumbed down for the next generation, with Kevin Gage as a watered-down, racist Krug with a shaved head and a taste for human nipples, Sage Stallone, forgettable as the Junior character, Kelly KC Quann as a sort of phony cheese-trash version of Sadie with badly drawn-on tattoos, and Steven Wozniak as an even more forgettable Weasel character.Instead of a rock concert, it's a rave in the woods.Instead of a bumbling sheriff, we get the obligatory white racist variety, and Emily/Mari(Chantal Degrout) happens to have mixed race parents this time around.

Photobucket David DeFalco:It's the most brutal movie ever made!

Photobucket B.W.:Do you look like that on purpose? The murders are realistically brutal, and choicely executed, granted.But overall, it's pale in comparison to Craven's original, and even as a straight up slasher, doesn't really break any new ground.I hate when I'm biding my time waiting for chicks to get hack n' slashed, and I found myself doing just that during this movie.But you know what really blows my mind about "CHAOS"(2005)?

Photobucket Frank Black:...that I live cement, I hate this street.Give dirt to me, I bite repent.This human form where I...

Photobucket Peter Watts:Who the hell is this?

Mastectomy.You're doing it wrong.

Photobucket Frank Black:...wrong Frank Black.

Photobucket B.W.:Come back to reality, Frank.It's never the wrong time for The Pixies.

Photobucket Lucy Butler:YOU...You son of a bitch...

Photobucket Frank Black:The base sum of all evil, Lucy Butler.I knew she'd turn up here.

Photobucket B.W.:...base sum of all crazy stalking bitches, more like.One twenty-five minute elevator interlude five years ago and she thinks I belong to her.Hit the bricks, baby!

Photobucket Lucy Butler:Won't you please come back to the house, Master?I've got a new dirty teddy and tape of muzak I want you to experience for yourself...

Photobucket B.W.:Get the hook, sister.If I wanted to hang out in a locked room and carve daily notches in the wood panelling, I'da never left my parents' place.
No wonder you're having difficulty passing stool, there's a knife lodged up yer keester, young lady!

Photobucket Lucy Butler:Are you sure about that?Muzak version of Hot Chocolate's "Every1's a Winner" on indefinite repeat...and the teddy's sheer.

Photobucket B.W.:Well, maybe we oughta wrap this case up afterall, boys.

Photobucket Peter Watts:What does "CHAOS"(2005) merit on your rating scale, B.W.?

Photobucket David DeFalco:Four wops! It's so brutal!

Photobucket B.W.:Shouldn't you be posing down shirtless in the LA County Morgue for the dvd extras or something?

Photobucket Frank Black:I see a low score.Probably zero if it wasn't for the gore effects.One.One wop.

Photobucket B.W.: This is who we are, brother.

Photobucket Peter Watts:A private consortium that the FBI subcontracts out to?

Photobucket B.W.:Your mother, too, Watts.

[fade to black]

[end titles]

CHAOS(Kevin Gage) wants you offa his lan'.G'wan, git.

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