I don't go in much for Top Ten lists here at the Wop,as mine,fickle bastard that I am,changes with my mood,so it's rare that we cover anything that would conceivably make my "greatest horror movies" list,but I've been pestered recently to cover one that's always been in my Top Ten,most of the time residing in the Top Five.For someone who prides himself on rare films and unknown classics,my Top list is usually pretty boring,and filled mostly with genre titles you'd guess would be on it in the first place.The reason I rarely tackle those movies here,is that so much has been said and written about the vast majority of them,I doubt I could ever shed any new light on them.Tonight,then,we'll draw focus on one such movie,and dedicate the review to Chelsea,who's arguably the most avid fan of said film in the world,and hope that what follows is acceptable;anyone who's perma-giddy over such dirty cinematic dealings is probably someone you'd want to keep on your good side,right?
Everybody remembers their initial introduction to their favorite things.My future fourth grade teacher was an attractive Greek broad,who dressed like Chrissy Snow from Three's Company,and resembled porn star Desiree Cousteau to a certain degree.I would often stray up to the older grade classrooms and make convo with the teachers over the way the world was going,music,movies,etc.As a pudgy class comedian with a bowl haircut,I made a point to be as socially outgoing as possible,and thus was a favorite among most of the teachers at my soon-to-be condemned grade school.Mrs. L and I were discussing movies one day when we got to the subject of the worst movie we'd ever seen.She answered,haughty and immediate."Last House on the Left.I went to see it with some girlfriends a few years back,and we walked out!These killers cut off a girl's arm...you're too young to see it,and anyway,it's trash!Ha! Ha! Ha!"Naturally,I knew right then and there I had to see it and plotted and schemed until I finally got my chance when it was re-released at the outset of the eighties.You could probably cue some romantic mood music right here...
Krug(David Hess)pounds his puh-hailus into Sadie(Jeramie Rain)on the open road,while Weasel(Fred Lincoln)plays the third wheel.
Mari Collingwood(Sandra Cassel),who is turning seventeen,is going into the city to see Bloodlust in concert with her free-spirited girlfriend Phyllis(Lucy Grantham),despite some minor protest from her folks,who give her a peace symbol pendant as an early gift.On the way into Manhattan,the girls hear a radio news broadcast that degenerate sex criminal Krug Stilo(David Hess)and his partner-in-crime,"Weasel" Podowski(Fred Lincoln)have made a daring escape from prison,thanks to Krug's animalistic female counterpart,Sadie(Jeramie Rain)and his illegitimate son,"Junior"(Marc Sheffler),who's been hooked on junk by his own father for the purpose of controlling him.Though they might seem like bumbling ne'er-do-wells at first glance,with Krug running the pantsmeat to Sadie as he drives the getaway convertible in broad daylight,nothing could be further from the truth.The girls wander the lower east side,looking to score some grass before the show,and are lured back to Stilo's hideout by Junior,who gets thrown a fix for his handiwork.Phyllis' resistance buys her a good one in the labonza,and then she's raped before Mari's disbelieving eyes.Mari's parents prepare her surprise party back home,obliviously unaware of the hot mess she's gotten herself in.The next morning,Krug and company stuff the captive girls into the trunk of their car before driving into the countryside with plans of fleeing the state manhunt.Ironically,their car breaks down just feet from the Collingwood home,and both girls are dragged into the woods nearby,where,at knifepoint they are forced into lesbianism with each other,after Krug orders Phyllis to piss her pants,which she does,naturally.Phyllis decides to make a break for it,and pays by eating stilleto-inflicted body ventilation at the hands of Weasel,before being graphically disembowled and dismembered.Mari appeals to Junior's last remaining glimmer of humanity,but is thwarted by Krug,who carves his name in her chest and rapes her after showing her Phyllis' severed arm.She stumbles,catatonic and violated,into the lake where Krug finally puts her out of her misery with well-placed bullets.Happy birthday,darling.
After Phyllis(Grantham)pissed,she and Mari(Cassel)were enlisted for an impromptu sapphic tryst before both junior misses cease to exist.
Krug and cohorts silently wash the blood off in the lake,and change into more formal attire before descending on the Collingwood house psoing as travelling salesmen,unaware that they've just walked into the house of one of the girls they've just brutally slain.Mari's parents serve the fugitives dinner,but their piggish table manners and half-assed story help paint a truer picture of who they really are,reality setting in when Mrs. Collingwood(Cynthia Carr) notices the pendant they had given Mari the day before around Junior's neck.Later that evening,she rummages through their luggage and finds blood-drenched clothing,and when she and her husband head out into the woods surrounding their house,they find their lifeless daughter's body on the shore of the lake.Oh yes,there will be revenge.Mrs. C. lures Weasel outside on the promise of rough sex,binding his arms behind his back,and bites his dick off in mid-fellatio.Dr. Collingwood sets up an electric shock trap while brandishing his trusty shotgun,but Krug escapes into the living room where he easily overpowers the middle-aged man.Just before he can add the doctor to his growing list of homicides,a dopesick Junior appears,wielding Krug's gun,with intent to shoot his own father,allowing the doctor to escape,while Krug psychologically destroys his mentally frail offspring,ordering him to blow his own brains out,which he does.By the time Krug notices the old man has disappeared,he reappears,with a revving chainsaw in tow.The bumbling sheriff,who had only existed for comic relief prior to this point,arrives on the scene just in time to beseech Collingwood not to dice Stilo into pieces,which he does anyway.Outside,Mrs. C. and Sadie have a good old fashioned catfight,which Sadie loses when the vengeful mother slits her throat in the family pool with her own stiletto.The couple reunite in the living room,and embrace,covered in blood.Indeed,the road led to nowhere.
Krug,with mouth agape,slobbers on Mari's nape,mid-rape.
Prior to cementing himself in history as one of the greatest cinematic bastards to ever grace the silver screen,Hess began his career as a songwriter,writing hits for Sal Mineo,Elvis Presley, Andy Williams,and Pat Boone(!!!),recording two solo lps before becoming the head of A & R at Mercury Records in 1969.His soundtrack for tonight's entry is incredible,to say the least,mixing vaudevillian slapstick with rich folk music,and adding to the insanity occuring on the screen.He's worked with Campanile,Craven,Deodato,Fassbinder,and recently,Eli Roth,as well as releasing two more albums,and starring in an upcoming remake of Ferrara's Driller Killer.People seem to think he is the bastard they see upon the screen,but I can honestly say he's one of the nicest guys I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.Lincoln,on the other hand,went on to direct some 289 adult films,produce 19,and act in 46,a member of the AVN Hall of Fame,scoring a Critic's Adult Film award for Best Director with 1984's aptly titled,Go For It.I'm green with envy,Fred.Rain went on to write and produce for NBC,having relationships with Bob Dylan,John Belushi,and John Savage,before marrying and later divorcing Academy Award winning actor Richard Dreyfuss(!!!),with whom she has three children.We talk enough about Craven and Cunningham here that I shouldn't have to update you on their exploits.We wont go into the 2009 remake that Craven agreed to produce after seeing long dollars put in front of his face.The power of the original is in the verite' style the film was shot in,and the believability of the monstrous Stilo crew,whose grime and evil drip off the screen in every frame.There's no way anyone could recreate that,especially with a cast that looks like they just got done filming Dawson's fucking Creek.This is one of the greatest exercises in modern realistic horror cinema,and for being that,it merits four wops and comes with my highest recommendation.
Like all great artists,Krug signs his work.
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