Back in my formative years, epic fantasy overbrimming with muscle-laden battle axe-wielding barbarians, curvaceous sex kittens, demented power-mad wizards, and otherworldly beasts was a hot commodity even outside of heavy metal album covers and airbrushed vans with bubble windows.I'd imagine teenaged guys of the day got spun on a lid of grass in their Billy Squier baseball tees and foggily flipped the pages of far out fantasy fare like Heavy Metal and Conan the Barbarian, grooving on the raw violence and unabashed sexuality in the artwork that jumped off the pages, while Stranglehold blared out of their eight track speakers, fucking with their ear holes.Hell, that's what I'd have been doing if I wasn't such an Eldubelhue(L.W., or Little Wop, if you will) at the time.In 1983, a collaboration between Ralph Bakshi, the director responsible for animated cult classics like Fritz the Cat(1972), The Lord of the Rings(1978), and American Pop(1981), and the late, great sci-fi/fantasy artist, Frank Frazetta, whose enormous body of impeccable artwork for everything from comic books to movie posters won him acclaim, awards, and even a well-deserved spot in the Comic Book Hall of Fame, was finally agreed upon by the two long-time friends, using the rotoscope process(cels of live action traced over by artists frame by frame) for the most part, as it was the only viable technique to capture the intricate detailing in Frazetta's comic work.As an unapologetic flyer of both the Frazetta and Bakshi flags for many moons now, I believe the finished product effectively captures the rich visual compositions and doctrine of the inimitable artist in the most beautiful way possible.Alas, in the strength of the film, one can also find its shortcomings; underneath the masterful style, there's precious little substance to wrap your mind around, and the story, as written by Marvel Comics regs Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway, lacks flow and coherency in spots.Still, it's fuckin' tits to look at...
You won't find a background cel like this in friggin' "Ice Age", buddy.
You see, there's this diabolical conjurer named Nekron(Sean Hannon), who resembles a white haired, pale and gangly He-Man/Bruce Dickinson of 'Iron Maiden' love child that, with the misdeeds of his maleficent mammy, an ice queen named Juliana(voiced by Susan 'Forbidden Zone' Tyrrell), plans on conquering the world using ape-faced primitives of high violence and low i.q. called 'Subhumans' as his army, and some sissified wrist and hand gesture psychokinesis that controls massive ice glaciers, as if the loincloth-garbed brutes weren't enough.It just so happens that one of the last bastions of free will occurs in a volcanic area aptly called Fire Keep, as ruled by a King named Jarol, whose sybaritic loin-fruit(!), Teegra(Cynthia Leake), has the propensity to crawl seductively on all fours when she isn't swinging her flesh-wares, barely concealed by a prehistoric micro-kini(!!), to and fro like the Teutonic trollop she is.Nekron enlists his Subhumans to fetch Teegra abduction-style for to use as leverage against the insubordinate sovereign, but she somehow manages to bare-ly escape, ahem, by slinking and bouncing through the treacherous forest, and heaving her pillow chest, slightly traumatized by her tribulations.In the meanwhile, Nekron's hate-glacier decimates a village of men in its path, save for a lone blonde pony-tailed warrior named Larn(Randy Norton)who wears animal-fang bling when he isn't vowing blood-vengeance for his fallen peeps.Teegra introduces herself to Larn by endearingly jacking a raw direwolf leg that he'd been ravenously gnawing at, off of him.Saved from a pack of the infernal things himself, by an abstruse gent named Darkwolf(Steve Sandor) who stretches a wolf skin over his grill when he isn't letting arrows fly.Got all that so far?
Teegra(Cynthia Leake) is primo animated box.
The Subhumans manage to kidnap Teegra a second time, and for a second time, she manages to give the monkey-grilled bastards the slip, but she's gripped up by a massive swamp retard who lumbers off to a witch with designs of trading the pouty princess off to Nekron, but his primordial contingents eighty-six both she and her pet waterhead, and drag Teegra off to him, anyway.Juliana suggests that her ice-slingin' son should marry the prisoner, but he balks at the proposition, exclaiming, "I don't need ANYBODY!" and promptly pimp slaps the dime piece down the stairs(!!!you should be slappin' that ass, Wrist-boy), before using his wrist/hand skills to force Teegra's brother to kill himself.Let's recap for a second.Half-nude curve-heavy goddess crawling through swampy terrain, just begging for a guy to make out with, served up on a platter to our resident conqueror, who doesn't dig her in the least.But when Larn's arrow misses its mark, instead of mind fucking him into self-death, he de-cloaks, and beckons the blondie for some hand-to-hand combat.Sounds like you've spent one too many eternities bound to the ice queen's apron strings, Nancy.Though I won't go into particulars on how this saga finally wraps up(this is one you've gotta experience for yourselves, preferrably under the influence of some potent smokables), there are fleets of flapping pterodactyls, man-gulping gargantuan iguanas, giant bog squids, and even reanimated witch skeletons that enter the mix before the climactic showdown between good and evil(so it's sassy evil, still qualifies as evil...) transpires.Snag a copy!
"Gloves of Metal rule tonight! Yea Leather, Metal, Spikes and Chains!" sings Nekron(Sean Hannon), a Manowar fan from way back.
This one, going out to Windy City Woprophile, John, since digging Heavy Metal as per request from my countless fifty-five gallon tubs of dvds proved a lot more difficult whilst cake-n-pipe shmammered than I originally thought it would be, should have been a huge hit for Bakshi, but it was met by luke warm reviews from critics and all but disappeared from societal radar until the fabulous bastards over at Blue Underground gave it the special edition two disc treatment it so richly deserves.It would be nine years before Bakshi served up another movie, the animation/live action mix of Cool World, which suffered from many of the same faults as tonight's review, and was also largely panned by critics, sending the director back into cartoon work for television, most recently providing voices for the unsuccessful 2003 Ren and Stimpy reboot.Frazetta's one sheet work included The Fearless Vampire Killers(1967), Mad Monster Party?(1967), and Eastwood vehicle The Gauntlet(1977).In summation, getting past the weak story should require very little effort for any fans of the genre, or specifically, Frazetta and Bakshi.The lush visuals and meticulous animation will hold your attention until the final credits.If the story were less derivative of Conan the Barbarian(Frazetta painted the covers of the original novels btw), it would have scored a perfect four wops on the rating scale, but as it stands, it still merits an impressive three big ones.See it for yourselves!
Golly, that's one satisfied looking pterosaur.
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